I first heard Joseph Bailey use the term, “Arm-twisting for God.” It is closely related to those who are cursed with the affliction to give advice—only worse—because they arm-twist in the name of God! It is often used by “religious control-freaks.”

Over the years I’ve had numerous articles sent to me—some from excellent authors—and some from would-be authors wanting to be published. Some of the latter group preface their request with remarks such as, “God (or the Holy Spirit) has given me this message and I want him to have all the glory!” With some of this material I can’t imagine God wanting the glory. I don’t publish it—and God doesn’t zap me!

On one occasion a man said to me that God told him he was to work for me. He didn’t have any qualifications for the work we do, so I didn’t give him a job. Again, God didn’t zap me!

On another occasion I was strongly rebuked by a person who didn’t understand “Jesus the Messiah” being written in Arabic especially for Muslims. I was told the Bible said he was to be called Jesus. I don’t think the angel spoke to Joseph and Mary in English! How about Hebrew? I was also informed by this person that Jesus told her I was to take this Arabic name of Jesus off my website as I was dangerously leading people astray!

I could give many more illustrations of people arm-twisting for God. They are usually insecure people needing attention and wanting their own way to feel empowered and important. At times I have said to such a person, when they told me God told them the way I should do things, that God hasn’t told me yet, so can we discuss it—and let’s pray for truth. “But I have the truth,” one declared emphatically to me. End of discussion!

As John Wesley advised, “Do not hastily ascribe things to God. Do not easily suppose dreams, voices, impressions, visions or revelations to be from God. They may be from Him. They may be from nature. They may be from the devil. Therefore, do not believe every spirit, but try the spirits, whether they are from God”²

We are told in the Bible that the test of a true prophet of God was 100% accuracy—100% of the time, and are warned not to heed false prophets. Also, in the Old Testament there was severe punishment for those who claimed to have a message from God and it wasn’t from him. This is because false prophets can be dangerous because they can lead people astray and away from the truth of God.

Our best defense against arm-twisting-for-God-false-prophets is to know what the Bible teaches, live in harmony with God’s will as found in the Bible, and constantly ask God to lead us in the way of truth.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me always to live and walk in harmony with the truth as found in your Word, the Bible, and give me the discernment to recognize every false prophet and any message, no matter how appealing, that is not in the way of truth nor from you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 7:15-16 (NIV).

2. Martin Wells Knapp, Impressions, Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1984, p. 32.

As we have pointed out in the past two days, it is imperative that we have object constancy in our life if we are to have meaningful and fulfilling lives. We were created for loving relationships not only with God but also with others. And without sufficient love we wither up and die inside a little every day.

To heal from past hurts so we can achieve a sufficient level of object constancy, we need to be in a meaningful recovery program, because we don’t heal without our active participation. We need to be emotionally honest and to resolve all bottled-up negative emotions, and we need to face and deal with the causes of inner emptiness. Next is:

Responsibility

Fifth, when we come to the realization that we didn’t receive sufficient parental love, we’re not looking to blame our parents because they could only give love to the degree that they had been loved themselves. We don’t want to feel sorry for ourselves either, but take responsibility for our re-parenting and getting our needs met in healthy ways—and, again, not expect anybody else to do this for us.

Acceptance

Sixth, to re-parent ourselves we need to be courageously open and honest in safe, trusted, non-judgmental, and affirming relationships (non-romantic) and keep accountable to these people. When we admit our weaknesses to safe people, we find we are loved and accepted exactly as we are. Through their love and acceptance, little by little we learn to love and accept ourselves in a healthy way. This is critical, for only to the degree that we feel loved and accepted are we able to love and accept anybody else. One effective way to do this is in a safe twelve-step recovery group.

Keep in mind that we were damaged in damaging relationships and are healed in healing relationships.

Counsel

Seventh, for those who have been abused—physically, emotionally, spiritually and/or sexually—or seriously emotionally neglected as a child, it is essential to get counseling in order to resolve our fear, so we can learn how to discern and receive healthy love, and are able to trust again.

Divine Love

Eighth, above all we need to realize just how much God, the Heavenly Father, loves and accepts us exactly as we are, so we can experience and feel his love and affirmation at the very core of our being.²

Every day, as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, we are reminded of God’s unfathomable love for us and that “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions [sins] from us.”

In sending his Son, Jesus, to come to earth and die on the cross to pay the penalty for every sin you and I have ever committed or ever will commit, there is a profound demonstration of God’s love for you and me. To know and feel this love—if we haven’t already done this—we start by accepting God’s gift of forgiveness by confessing our sins to him and inviting Jesus to come into our heart and life as personal Lord and Savior. (See “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9 for help to do this.)

And all who have accepted Jesus as their Savior (no matter how long ago) we need to daily remind ourselves of and thank God for his great love for us, and pray that we will learn to love and accept ourselves as he loves and accepts us. It is also helpful to picture ourselves as a child being held in the arms of Jesus and being blessed by him as he did the children when he was here on earth.

These steps take time and considerable effort, but follow them faithfully and you will, in time, find object constancy and the love your heart yearns to find.

Suggested prayer, “Oh, God, don’t let me die without finding the love my heart craves for and without learning how to fully love and fully live. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 103:12-13 (NIV).
2. Adapted from “The Power of Love” by Dick Innes, http://tinyurl.com/283t54

Both experience and scientific tests have shown that babies who don’t have object constancy; that is, who don’t receive sufficient love, care, and holding can die. Children who don’t have object constancy and don’t feel loved and accepted can become very aggressive or withdrawn. Teenagers may end up depressed, suicidal, on drugs, or in jail.

Adults without object constancy can become victims of any of a number of addictive substances or practices all of which are a vain attempt to fill the empty hole in their heart and deaden the pain of their hollow lives. Or they can become very ill-physically, emotionally and/or spiritually—and die before their time.

Some feel inadequate and powerless so use control as a poor substitute for empowerment. Others withdraw emotionally and, even though married and living with their spouse, they live together alone, apart.

Others unconsciously seek to replace parental love in romantic relationships and marriage. But no spouse can ever meet their mate’s unmet childhood need for mother or father-love. Others substitute sex for love and leave a trail of victims in their attempt to fill their empty void and to avoid facing the painful root cause of their emptiness and loneliness.

So, if we don’t have sufficient object constancy, how can we find the love we need and so be genuinely empowered for life?

Recovery

First, realize that the answer is not found in fame, fortune, popularity, sex, exciting “bells and whistles” romance, achievement or approval, but through recovery. The harsh reality is that only loved people find true love, and in the words of another, “We find it within or we find it not!”

Honesty

Second, recovery begins when we admit the truth, to ourselves and to a trusted friend or two, that we don’t feel loved or we didn’t feel loved as children, and that we have spent too much effort looking for love in all the wrong places.

Emotions

Third, we need to realize that we build up a considerable amount of anger, shame, hurt and grief over the loss of the love we never received. So we need to get in touch with all these buried emotions and get rid of them by expressing them creatively and mourning our loss. If necessary, we may need the help of a trusted counselor. If we don’t mourn our loss, we will inevitably take out our unresolved negative emotions on the ones we are closest too.

Causes

Fourth, when overwhelming feelings of loneliness and emptiness continually plague us, we need to realize that their roots most often lie in love deprivation from childhood. If so, it is important not to deaden or anesthetize our pain through endless activity, over-busyness, performance, sex, or any food or substance abuse, etc. What is needed is healthy re-parenting and getting our needs met in healthy ways—and not expecting anybody else to fill the empty void in our life.²

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if there is any unresolved area in my life, please reveal this to me. Help me to resolve it so I will experience a deep level of object constancy, so that my love cup will be filled to overflowing with your love and the love of others and “splash” onto every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV).
2. Adapted from “The Power of Love” by Dick Innes, http://tinyurl.com/283t54

“What on earth is object constancy?” I can hear readers asking.

It’s something that we needed to have from earliest childhood and maintain throughout life. With it we have a much better chance of living life to the full. Without it we will “limp along in the shadows of life” eking out a meager existence with a sense that something is missing—like having a feeling of emptiness. In a vain attempt to fill this void we may use food and become a foodaholic, or become a workaholic keeping busy, busy, busy to avoid facing the pain of this inner emptiness. Or we may become an alcoholic or use drugs to deaden the pain, or keep looking for love in all the wrong places.

Object constancy. We need it for survival. So what is it?

When a child is first born, as long as it is wanted and loved, it will be bonded and attached to mother in a healthy way. Here it feels safe and secure. As the child grows it not only needs to be weaned from mother’s breast but also, little by little, from mother’s presence so it can begin to find its own identity. During this process, as long as it has a deep inner sense of being loved, mother can leave the room and baby feels fine. And as long as mother’s love is constant and baby is an object of mother’s love, the baby has object constancy. That is, it constantly feels loved.

However, if the baby doesn’t have this deep sense of love and security, it may panic when mother leaves the room. Or even when mother is there, without a sense of constant love, baby will feel very insecure, and cry. But if and when it cries repeatedly and mother isn’t there or doesn’t come to comfort it, it will eventually stop crying and turn its pain inward. It has a lack of object constancy.

When a person grows up into adulthood without a deep sense of object constancy, it is headed for constant loneliness and relational difficulties. This person may look to the opposite sex, use sex to get what they mistake for love, and/or marry the wrong person in an unconscious attempt to fill that empty mother-void (and father-void if father’s love wasn’t constant either). Sex, romantic love, and/or marriage can never fill this void or heal this pain because the problem is that the lack of object constancy is a childhood issue. Romance and marriage is for adults.

Furthermore, where a person lacks object constancy, he or she can have a very difficult time feeling God’s love too.

And where we lack object constancy how do we find healing?

To be continued …

1. Suggested prayer for parents: “Dear God, please help me to be the loving parent I need to be so that all of my children will feel secure in my love for them and always sense your love flowing through me to them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

2. Suggested prayer for those who lack object constancy: “Dear God, about my loneliness and the empty void in my life, please help me to face the depth of this loss and stop running from the pain, and lead me to the help I need to find healing and recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John

13:34 (NIV).

“Forgive my hidden faults.”¹

Perhaps you or someone you know has gone through all the “forgiveness steps” we have written about over the past few days but still can’t find it in their heart to forgive someone who has hurt them deeply.

One reason for this is when we are overreacting. We do this when what someone has done to us triggers anger and hurt from past events that have never been resolved. Because of this, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to forgive someone for something that happened in the present when we haven’t forgiven someone else for what happened in the past.

For example, while this is perhaps an extreme case, James Townsend tells about Mildred McWhorter who “has worked for nearly thirty years with troubled families at a mission center surrounded by dilapidated houses in north Houston, Texas. She is known as ‘Miss Mac’ to folks in the area.

“Once she spotted eight-year-old Gilbert walking with his hands over his head. When asked why he was doing that, Gilbert replied, “I can’t tell you. My mama did it.”

“She found that large sections of skin under each arm had been rubbed away and blood was running down Gilbert’s side. Eventually Miss Mac learned that Gilbert’s mother had put a burlap sack over his head and arms. She had tied his arms over a clothesline where he hung for hours. If Gilbert cried, his mother would beat him with a broom or pull his hair out. She did this because Gilbert reminded her of her father.

“Miss Mac spent months working with this troubled family, which contained nine children. When family hurts and resentments go unresolved—as they apparently had between Gilbert’s mother and her father—they can be passed on to hurt the next generation.²

In working with hundreds of divorcees in recent years, I have observed that only a small percentage is willing to be ruthlessly honest with themselves to see and admit what they contributed to their failed marriage. Most want to blame their spouse entirely for the breakup. They simply don’t see or even want to see how much their over-reaction caused by unresolved relationships (especially with one or both of their parents) was a major contributing factor (or even the primary cause) of their failed relationships.

It is no wonder that the Bible “hammers home” the tremendous importance to forgive everybody who has ever hurt us—whether it was yesterday or on day one of our life. This is not an over-statement, for a child who was rejected from birth or hurt in childhood has deep pain that needs to be confronted and resolved through to forgiveness in order to fully live as an adult. It is a fact of life that hurt people hurt people. Thus every hurt needs to be healed and every “hurter” needs to be forgiven—not so much for their sake, but for the hurt one’s sake and that of their loved one.

End of series … remember forgiveness is a process, not a “quickie” event! It takes time to work through and resolve all these issues we have discussed over the past few days.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see if any feelings of hurt and anger I have are overreactions to past unresolved conflicts and, if so, please lead me to the help I need to resolve these issues. And then, please help me to forgive any and all who have ever hurt me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 19:12 (NIV).

2. James Townsend, Peloubet’s Sunday School Notes 1993-1994, Elgin, Illinois: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1990).

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”¹

Some time ago in an article in Time² inspired by Pope John Paul’s forgiveness of his would-be assassin, Mehmet Ali Agca, journalist Lance Morrow wrote, “The psychological case for forgiveness is overwhelmingly persuasive. Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.

“Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another’s control. If one does not forgive, then one is controlled by the other’s initiatives and is locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past.”

But to forgive is to be free from the past.

Jesus Christ pointed out another disturbing truth about an unforgiving spirit when he said “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”³

I believe what Christ meant was that an unforgiving spirit on my part is a sure sign that I haven’t truly shown remorse to God for all my failures nor experienced fully his forgiveness.

Furthermore, an unforgiving attitude is destructive to personal relationships. It goes without saying that many close relationships, especially marriage relationships, are destroyed not so much by what has been done but by what hasn’t been done—forgiving one another.

Wherever I fail to forgive another, a wall of resentment builds up between us and eventually we become estranged. But once I forgive, feelings of love can be restored if that is appropriate. I say “if that is appropriate” because there are times, such as in cases of abuse or a lack of repentance, when forgiveness should not lead to restoration of the relationship.

To forgive another, however, is not to ignore justice. Pope John Paul forgave his would-be-assassin, but the man stayed in prison, and rightly so. And where we want others to forgive us, we will want to do all in our power to make a just restitution.

Even God’s forgiveness demanded justice in that he gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to pay for the penalty for all our sins through his death on the cross, for death is both God’s judgment and the natural consequence of all sin. Thus the greatest forgiveness we can ever receive is that of God’s forgiveness, by confessing our sins to him and asking Jesus Christ to come into our heart and life as our personal Savior. To help you do this, read the article,
“How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to become fully aware of the depth of your forgiveness of me so that I will be so much more willing and able to forgive all who have ever hurt me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 3:13 (NIV).
2. Time, Jan. 9, 1984.
3. Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”¹

Some years ago during a visit to Yellowstone Park, one writer observed that the only animal that the grizzly bear would share his food with was a skunk. It wasn’t that the grizzly wanted to share his food but rather that he chose to. With one swing of his powerful paw he could have crushed the skunk. So why did he allow the skunk to eat with him?

Because he knew the high cost to getting even.

Clever bear!

Undoubtedly he learned the hard way. Strange that we humans often aren’t as smart. Sometimes we carry grudges for years, often repressing them from conscious memory, and end up hurting ourselves more than the ones we would like to get even with. We fail to see how damaging an unforgiving spirit is.

Physicians and counselors alike attest to the damage done by an unforgiving spirit. Some medical doctors estimate that the majority of illnesses they treat are related to emotional problems such as resentment, which is a lack of forgiveness. And counselors see the roots of bitterness reflected in depression, anxiety, and destroyed relationships.

I read one report of an astonished patient who was told by his doctor: “If you don’t cut out your resentments, I may have to cut out a part of your intestinal tract.”

Fortunately, the man took the doctor’s advice. He had been nursing a bitter grudge against a former business partner. He went to see this man, resolved their differences, and forgave him. When he returned to the doctor, his physical condition had cleared up.

That advice isn’t new of course. The greatest physician who ever lived, Jesus Christ, pointed out 2,000 years ago the importance of forgiveness. When he encouraged us to “forgive seventy-seven times,” he was thinking of our emotional and physical well-being as much as our spiritual. In his book, None of These Diseases, Dr. S. I. McMillen reported that a forgiving spirit could save us from “ulcerative colitis, toxic goiters, high blood pressure, and scores of other diseases” including ulcers, asthma, arthritis, neuro-dermatitis, and heart ailments—all possible effects of resentment.

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if there is any unforgiving spirit in my heart, please confront me with this reality, and help me to resolve this so I am free to forgive others as you have so freely forgiven me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”¹

“I am having trouble forgiving someone,” writes a Daily Encounter reader. “It was a horrible thing this person did to me. She hasn’t apologized and acts as if everything is normal. I am filled with resentment and hatred. What this person did cannot be fixed. I want so bad to resolve my feelings, but don’t know what to do to get over what happened.”

Unfortunately, if we need an apology from those who hurt us to enable us to forgive them, we would be struggling because this often doesn’t happen.

To forgive such a person, we need to resolve our resentment and hatred—both of which are stored up hurt and anger. Once we resolve these feelings, the path is open for forgiveness. In fact, until we do this, it is impossible to forgive anyone as our resentment and hatred will keep popping up their ugly heads.

So how can you do this? You can, as it were, “write a letter” addressing the person who hurt you, but never ever send it. In this writing you need to express the depths of your feelings of hurt and anger right from your gut—this is what David did in several of the Psalms. You may need to do this a number of times until all your feelings of hurt and anger have dissipated. As long as these feelings are bottled up, they will control your response to the one who hurt you, and quite possibly affect all your close relationships. After each letter is written, read it over, share its contents with God and with a safe, non-judgmental, non-advice-giving, trusted friend or confidant, telling them exactly how you feel, and then destroy the letter.

Or you could go alone in your car to a private place and park where you are sure to be safe. Wind up the windows, (turn the radio on if it helps), and pretend the person who hurt you is with you. Then “talk to this person” and get off your chest everything you would like to say to him or her—expressing all your hurt and angry feelings. Do this say for a half hour, then go back and do this a number of times, spending less and less time each “visit,” until all your negative feelings are gone.

The Bible says not to let the sun go down while you are feeling angry. This is because unresolved anger that has turned into resentment is an emotional poison. This is why it needs to be resolved as quickly as possible. If you can’t resolve your anger alone, it will pay (wherever humanly possible) to see a capable counselor who can help you. If you don’t do this, future medical bills may be much higher than counseling costs.

As already suggested, be sure to express your feelings to God. He knows how you feel anyhow (and loves you regardless). Ask him to lead you to the help you need to resolve your hurt and anger so you will be able to truly forgive the one who hurt you.

Remember, unresolved anger is not only “poison” but also like an emotional cancer, and either you get the “cancer” or the “cancer” gets you. As another has said, “Failing to forgive is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always be honest with my feelings and learn to express them to you and to a safe and trusted friend. And where I can’t seem to resolve these feelings and am unable to forgive _______ (name the person), please lead me to the help I need to resolve any and all feelings of resentment, hurt, anger, hatred, and bitterness and be able to fully forgive this person, just as you have forgiven me for all my sins and failures. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV).

Pastor Verne Arens writes how “he once knew someone who was a leader in the congregation. At one time or another he had filled most (if not all) of the important leadership positions in that church. More than that, however, oftentimes he was the one who would volunteer for those tough, dirty jobs that no one else wanted: washing dishes after a potluck supper, helping to teach the confirmation class, stacking shelves at the food bank.

“This is the kind of person you would like to clone and with whom you’d like to fill the congregation,right? Wrong! This person was a delight to have around until things didn’t go his way, and then he was a nightmare: disruptive, divisive, even destructive. He didn’t understand the meaning of community and was not a team player. And when (not for the first time) he and his wife climbed into their huff-mobile and drove away after some disagreement, the congregation finally had the good sense not to beg them to come back. Finally that congregation had learned to distinguish between the voice of a shepherd and the voice of a stranger.”²

Another description of this type of person is control freak. Sometimes, after a reasonable number of rebukes, the most loving thing we can do is to ask them to leave. As long as we keep giving in to them, we become a part of their sickness (terrible insecurity). It’s interesting to note that when they threw Jonah overboard, there was a great calm!

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please grant that I will never be a control freak and thereby play the role of God in other peoples’ lives. If I ever am, please open my eyes to what I am doing and help me to change my ways. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 10:27, 5 (NKJV).
2. “(Good) Help Wanted,” by Rev. Verne Arens

n the grade school I attended as a kid growing up in Australia, there was a motto written over the door of every class room. Some were taken from the Bible such as, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.”²

Also, every week students were required to attend the religious instruction class of their choice. One had to have a note from his or her parents NOT to attend. Keep in mind that Australians as a whole are not a religious people, but the secular authorities knew the importance of teaching a high standard of moral ethics. We were also taught that a vital part of character was being honest and keeping our word.

In today’s world here in America we have taken the Bible and prayer out of our schools. We are forbidding the use of God’s name and anything that is religious (especially Christian) to be displayed in public places, and have carried the separation of church and state to a ridiculous extreme in a nation that was built on a solid Judeo-Christian ethic with the inscription on our coins, “In God we trust.” The result? Moral ethics have become irrelevant or non-existent in far too many circles.

Hence such tragic events as the crisis and crash of the major Enron and other businesses.

Chuck Colson quotes theologian Michael Novak who argues that western liberal democracy is like a three-legged stool. One leg, political freedom; the second, economic freedom; the third, moral responsibility. Weaken any leg—the stool topples.

Colson continues, “Enron’s [and other business] collapses exposes a decayed third leg—moral responsibility. Now mind you, Enron’s leaders were the best and the brightest pillars of the community. Enron’s chairman, Kenneth Lay, boasted he hired only graduates of the top business schools.

“What Enron’s collapse exposes is the glaring failure of these business schools. Ethics, you see, historically rests on absolute truth, which our top schools have systematically assaulted for four decades. And business school graduates leave the schools, as I discovered when I lectured at Harvard Business School ten years ago, without a clue about ethics.”³

And how do we change our world? One person at a time who will stand for integrity, honesty, justice, and a high standard of morality and moral ethics.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, in a day when moral standards and ethics have already collapsed, please change the world in which I live and let your work begin in me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 14:34 (NIV).
2. Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV)
3. BreakPoint with Chuck Colson, April 15,2002. http://www.breakpoint.org.