While none of us is perfect or completely mature, if we understand the characteristics of maturity, we can work on these areas to grow in maturity. While there are many characteristics, the following certainly would be among the top five:

Emotional maturity. While spiritual maturity is reflected in the quality of our relationship to God, emotional maturity is reflected in the quality of our relationships with people. They go hand in hand. As God’s Words say, “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.”¹ Thus, in reality, I’m no closer to God than I am to people.

Without a reasonable level of emotional maturity, it is virtually impossible to have healthy interpersonal relationships. Immaturity is without doubt a major cause of impaired relationships and failed marriages. Emotional maturity means that we will have a healthy self-concept—not thinking too highly or too lowly of ourselves. This will include a healthy sense of self-acceptance and self-worth, which will also determine how well we do in many other areas of life. If I fail to accept myself in a healthy way, it makes it extremely difficult to accept others in a healthy way. This is because the issues I reject in myself, I will automatically reject in others.

Emotional maturity also involves being in touch with all of our God-given emotions and that these are well integrated into every area of life. Unless one is connected to his or her inner-self (his/her emotions and motives), meaningful communications and intimate relationships are impossible. It also requires that, wherever possible, impaired relationships from the past are resolved, that we have forgiven all who have ever hurt us, and that all supercharged, repressed negative emotions from past experiences are resolved.

Personal responsibility. Another vital characteristic of maturity is acting responsibly and appropriately in all situations—neither overreacting nor under-reacting. People overreact when unresolved painful issues from the past are triggered and they react as if they were responding to the original hurt. People under-react when they withdraw from dealing with an issue they need to confront and resolve. Some excuse this behavior as being Christian and not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. Rather, it is basically being weak, afraid, or insecure—not to mention being dishonest.

As John Powell so eloquently said, “We defend our dishonesty on the grounds that it may hurt another person and then, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships.”

True, “I may have been a victim in the past but if I remain a victim, I am now a willing volunteer.” Acting in a mature manner means that I now accept personal responsibility for every area of life. It means that I refuse to play the blame-game. Consistently blaming someone else for the difficulties I have will cause me to B-LAME—emotionally, that is.

When working with divorced people, I have found that so many primarily blame their former partner for the breakdown of their relationship. They fail to see that they, too, contributed to the conflict either by being too weak, too passive, too codependent, too over-dependent, too independent, too needy, too afraid of closeness, or in any of a score of other ways.

On one occasion a friend once said to me, “Are you angry at me because I’ve been divorced three times?” “Angry, no,” I answered, “afraid, yes!” “Well they were all jerks,” she responded. So I asked, “Well, why did you marry them?”

The last I heard is that my friend is now in her fifth marriage.

The reality is unless we act responsibly and admit, confront, and resolve our personal issues, we are destined to repeat past failures. It’s either resolution or repetition.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you love and accept me as I am, but love me too much to leave me as I am. Please help me to see every area of immaturity in my life and, with your help, resolve and overcome these issues. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 4:20 (NIV).

There are many and varied reasons why people feel lonely. We have already discussed some of these. We talked about Sharon who was afraid to love because of her fear of losing love, the roots of which went back to her childhood when her father left home when she was only five years of age.

On the other hand, John came from a happy home but his parents moved every year for business reasons. Every time John made close friends, the family moved and he would lose his friends. As he grew older, he no longer wanted to make close friends because it was too painful to lose them. This left him lonely.

Both Sharon and John were able to overcome their loneliness when they realized its cause—which is the first step in resolving all problems. Once they recognized their fear they were able, little by little, to reach out to others and, in time, overcome their loneliness.

If I’m having trouble with loneliness, I, too, need to ask myself what the real cause is. Is it a communication problem, feelings of inadequacy, fear of being hurt, or another cause? If so, I may need the help of a trained counselor or an understanding pastor or friend to help me work through my struggle.

Service to others is another way to overcome loneliness. I think of my grandmother who lived to age 90. She had been a widow for many years but didn’t suffer from loneliness. She reached out to help others by regularly visiting the sick and the elderly. In helping to meet their needs she met many of her own.

People simply cannot live without human contact. As Dr. Lynch reminds us, “If we fail to form loving human relationships, our mental and physical health is in peril.”² This is why it is vital to be committed to family and friends and to make the effort to strengthen these ties.

Besides one’s family, there is no better place to find love and a sense of belonging than in a church where unconditional love, acceptance, and friendship are expressed in open, positive, and practical ways.

Here, too, one can find God—the only one who can satisfy our innate sense of spiritual loneliness. “To live apart from him,” says Wright “is the most pathetic loneliness of all.”

If you respond to God’s love through his Son, Jesus Christ, he has promised to “never, not ever, not ever leave you or forsake you.”³ No matter how you feel, Christ will always be with you.

Visualize Jesus right there with you now—wherever you are. Respond to his call to follow him. Commit and trust your life to him every day. Ask him to give you the faith to believe in him and the courage to do your part in overcoming your loneliness. As you do your part, God will help you. He has promised he will.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, when I am lonely, help me to find at least one soul brother/sister with whom I can share my total being without any fear of being judged or condemned but feel fully accepted and loved. And help me to be such a friend to another fellow struggler. Above all, help me to know and feel your presence knowing that you are always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Genesis 2:18 (NIV).

2. Time, Sept. 5, 1977.

3. See Hebrews 13:5.

Continuing our series on loneliness, psychologist Norman Wright in An Answer to Loneliness quotes one lonely woman who said, “I hurt deep down in the pit of my stomach, my arms and my shoulders ache to be held tight . . . to be told that I am really loved for what I am.”

“Deep within each of us is the hunger for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness, support, love, and the touch of tenderness,” says Wright. “We experience loneliness because these hungers are not always fed.”

For example, a child feels lonely when his parents are too busy for him. But to whom can he turn? The adolescent feels lonely when he feels misunderstood by his parents. A mother of small children feels lonely when she is too busy to have her own needs for companionship met.

When married couples cannot communicate effectively, especially with their feelings, loneliness can cut deeply.

When one loses a loved one through death or divorce or is isolated through illness, he or she feels incredibly lonely.

The elderly, who are often cut off from their families and whose friends have passed away, know the bitterness of loneliness.

People who feel inadequate are often lonely. Because they don’t like themselves, they think others don’t like them either, so they tend to withdraw, at least emotionally, from other people. Sometimes hidden hostility is a cause for loneliness. The hostile person is angry at people so he prevents them from getting too close through his negative attitude.

Another cause of loneliness is fear—fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up, fear of losing a loved one, fear of failure, and so on. For instance, when Sharon was five her father left home, and she felt rejected by him. Ever since, she has had an unconscious fear that if she ever fully loved another man, he would leave her too. Thus she was afraid to fully love her husband until she realized why she was holding back from him.

To be continued . . .

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, when I am feeling lonely help me to find a loving church/group where I can discover a sense of belonging and feel that I am contributing something worthwhile to others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 (NIV).

“I’m all alone in the universe. No one really knows me. No one really cares. God—if there is one—is far away. He got tired of the world and moved away. I looked in the mirror today and saw the real me—one hideous scar, an open sore. I’m going to sleep.”

These were the words of a brilliant student at a large, well-known university. He was one of the most promising students there. He was exceptionally gifted, handsome, athletic, and popular, and he was headed for an outstanding career in medicine. In spite of all this, he was still a very lonely young man. After writing the above note, he injected poison into his veins and died.

Loneliness, like depression, is one of the plagues of contemporary society. Few escape it altogether. In its chronic form it is a killer. When we were still printing ACTS Encounter brochures, “Overcoming Loneliness,” from which this series is taken, was one of the most requested pamphlets people requested.

Time magazine reported some years ago that health studies have long shown that unmarried or widowed people are much more susceptible to sickness than married people. For instance, the death rate from heart disease is five times as high among widows between 25 and 34 as it is among married women of the same age. And the divorced of all ages are twice as susceptible to strokes as are the married.² I would expect that little has changed since this article was first written.

James J. Lynch, when he was a specialist in psychosomatic medicine at the University of Maryland Medical School, and author of The Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, claimed that suicide, cancer, tuberculosis, accidents, mental disorders, and especially heart disease are “all significantly influenced by human companionship.”

In other words, “loneliness and isolation can literally break your heart.” Loneliness is a feeling of not being able to reach another person and his not being able to reach you. It is a feeling of being isolated even though you may be surrounded by people.

Henri Nouwen expressed it this way: the lonely person “cannot make contact; his hand closes on empty air.”

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, when I am feeling lonely help me to see if the cause lies within myself and, if so, to seek the help I need to overcome this problem. Also, help me not to withdraw into myself but reach out to others and lend a helping hand to a brother or sister who is lonely too. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Genesis 2:18 (NIV).

2. Time, Sept. 5, 1977.

A reader writes: “In a recent Daily Encounter you mentioned that God forgives us and you also said, ‘don’t forget to forgive yourself. But what if you can’t? What if you don’t know how to?’

“In short a family member was terminally ill and I was her 24/7 caregiver which was stressful, and there were times I lost my temper or times when I knew I should do something with her but was hiding in another room because I didn’t like to see her that way. There is so much I did or didn’t do for which I am very regretful and I don’t know how to forgive myself. I have been seeing a counselor and it has helped me understand but I can’t seem to forgive myself. I know there has to be a way—but how?”

Dear Janice (name changed), when we confess our sins to God, he does forgive us regardless of our feelings. When we can’t forgive ourselves, one reason is because we are either perfectionists or have perfectionistic tendencies. The problem then isn’t that we can’t forgive ourselves, but that we are perfectionists who have unreal expectations of ourselves.

Another reason can be because of low self-esteem, and we falsely believe that we are not worthy of forgiveness.

So, ask God to give you the insight and courage to face the root cause of your inability to forgive yourself. If you seek this truth with all your heart, when you are ready to face and accept it, you will see it.

In the meantime, try to see that you are expecting more of yourself than God is. Remember, when you confess your sins and failures to him, he forgives you fully and freely. Every day say out loud many times: “Thank you, God, that you have forgiven me and, because you have forgiven me, with your help I forgive me.” Repeatedly stating this with deep emotion or feeling, can help to program this truth into your unconscious mind and into your belief system. Once you truly believe this truth, you will be able to feel forgiven.

Yes, you may find this difficult to do, but do it anyhow because it is based on God’s Word and not your feelings. Just don’t allow your damaged emotions to control your life.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that when I confess my sins to you, you have promised to forgive me. Help me to not only know this but also feel it in my heart. And whenever I have a problem forgiving myself, please help me to see the reason for this, and lead me to the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 1:8-9 (NIV).

Em Griffin, author of The Mind Changers, tells about a good friend from the University of Michigan who went as a medical missionary to Bangladesh. When he arrived on the mission field, he was informed that he couldn’t keep his four children with him, but that they would have to go away to boarding school. This was the policy of the mission and he didn’t have a choice.

He responded, “Sure I have a choice! Our kids need us. Evangelization in the home first, then on the mission field.” He then proceeded to raise more money, found a teacher, and established a mission school right on the hospital grounds.

Certainly we need to follow our God-given leaders. However, when they are in the wrong (as we/they sometimes are), it is important to confront them in Christian love where necessary, and to do what is right. As Peter pointed out, no leader has a right to control (lord it over) anybody else. When we do, we are playing the role of God and the Holy Spirit in their life.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the serenity to accept the leadership of your servants when what they say is in harmony with your will, the courage and grace to stand against them when they are not in your will, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. 1 Peter 5:2-3 (NIV).

“It seems to be human nature to forget to say, ‘Thank you.’ Samuel Leibowitz, a brilliant criminal lawyer, saved 78 people from the electric chair; not one thanked him. Art King had the radio program, ‘Job Center of the Air.’ He supposedly found jobs for 2500 people, of whom, only ten ever thanked him. An official of the post office, in charge of the Dead Letter Box in Washington, D.C., reported, one year, that he had received hundreds of thousands of letters addressed to ‘Santa Claus’ asking him to bring many things, but after Christmas, only one letter came to the box thanking Santa Claus for bringing the toys asked for.”²

How do I appreciate thee? Let me count the ways!

Whoever the “thees” are in your life and mine, let us take stock and name the ways we have been blessed through their love, their friendship, their support, their encouragement, their help and so on.

And let us not fail to express gratitude when such is due. As William Arthur Ward said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Furthermore, let us be givers, just not takers.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me a grateful heart and may I never ever fail to thank you for the innumerable blessings I continually receive from your hand. Most of all I am and will be forever grateful for your ‘so great salvation’ with the gift of sins forgiven and eternal life through the sacrifice of your Son, Jesus. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 17:16-18 (NIV).

2. Tony Bland. Cited on www.sermons.com.

In Moody Monthly George Sweeting writes about the desperate need for honesty in our culture. He refers to Dr. Madison Sarratt, who taught mathematics at Vanderbilt University for many years, who, before giving a test, would caution his class something like this:

“Today I am giving two examinations: one in trigonometry and the other in honesty. I hope you will pass them both. If you must fail one, fail trigonometry. There are many good people in the world who can’t pass trig, but there are no good people in the world who cannot pass the examination of honesty.”

In the news in recent times we are hearing more and more about cheaters in high school, cheaters in college, cheaters in politics, cheaters in business…. Cheaters may appear to win in the short run but the fact remains, in the long run cheaters never win. Sooner or later their cheating will catch up with them. The broker who cheated on me and stole my retirement fund spent six years in jail, and that’s small punishment in terms of his self-punishment in what he has done to his self-concept and character. Will anyone ever trust him again?

The tragedy is that the more our society accepts cheating and personal dishonesty as a way of life, the more we hurt ourselves and ultimately our society. Self-governing to survive for the long haul is dependent on the honesty, good will and character of those being governed. When we can no longer be trusted to abide by the laws—especially the laws as found in the Ten Commandments, which were given for the benefit and freedom of every society, the law will end up governing us not as a democracy but as a dictatorship or some other form of legalistic bondage. In fact, without honesty, character and sound ethics, a free society cannot survive as a free society for the long term.

God’s laws are for the good of all. We defy them to our peril.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your laws that are given for the good of all. Please give me a great respect and appreciation of all of your laws and the courage to abide by them. And please help me to be honest with myself, with you, and with others in all of my dealings. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Joshua 1:7 (NIV).

As most of our Daily Encounter readers know, I grew up in Australia, a land that is only slightly smaller than mainland USA, but there are more people within a 200 mile radius of where I now live in Southern California than the whole of Australia combined. It seems that most of them are on the LA freeways at the same time during the rush hour traffic. Why they call it rush hour I’ll never know. As another has said, it should be called slow hour!

However, recently when I was driving home from Los Angeles on the busy 405 freeway—where it was ten lanes wide with hundreds of cars traveling at high speed in both directions—I noticed a young palm tree growing out of a crack in the pavement at the foot of the three-foot-high concrete barrier right in the middle of the freeway that separates the speeding traffic flowing in opposite directions. This tiny tree was only about a meter or so from the fast lane and was totally oblivious to the thousands of cars that zip by at high speed every hour of the day and night. The thought of it blew me away.

Now, I have no ambition to plant myself where that palm tree had planted itself—that may be okay for a palm tree but not for people—to plant one’s self in such a situation would be suicide. But in the midst of the rush and bustle of everyday life with all its endless pressures, little by little I’m working on learning to trust in God and be calm and peaceful (like that palm tree), realizing that, in the words of the unknown poet:

‘Tis not the softer things of life

Which stimulate man’s will to strive;

But bleak adversity and strife

Do most to keep man’s will alive.

O’er rose-strewn paths the weaklings creep,

But brave hearts dare to climb the steep.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, again today I commit and trust my life and way to you in all that I am and do. Help me to trust you no matter what this day may bring, and not become anxious or afraid knowing that my times are in your hands. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 6:28-30 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “I am presently suffering from the advanced stages of Muscular Dystrophy. I’ve prayed to God for healing my incurable family disease for many years–all to no avail. My family has lost hope for a cure. I’ve been on a feeding tube for four years. Why doesn’t God heal neurologic genetic familial diseases and give hope to suffering people like me?

Hello, Rex (name changed), I confess I don’t know why God doesn’t heal many illnesses. Sometimes God does heal these ills and sometimes he doesn’t. Speaking personally, there is mental illness in my family and a sister, son and a nephew all suffer and have never been healed. The harsh reality is that we live in a very broken and sin-sick world . . . a world that has been broken by the disease of sin and there will be no deliverance from so much evil, sickness and sorrow until the Lord Jesus comes back and takes all his true followers to be with him forever in heaven where, thanks to God, there will be no more sadness, sickness, sorrow and suffering.

My personal desire is that God would hasten the day of Christ’s return to put an end to all the evil and suffering in the world. But God always does things in his timing—never mine, and that is unquestionably a good thing.

In the meantime we struggle on. I suggest that every day for the rest of your life you commit and trust your life and way to the Lord. Tell God that you are available with all your problems and sickness and ask him to help you in some way to be “as Jesus” to every life you touch. And may God use you to be a channel of his love in some way—no matter how small—to every life you touch. It is amazing what God can do in and through people regardless of their circumstances when their life is totally committed to him.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, there are so many things in life that we don’t understand. So in the words of the serenity prayer, ‘grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.’ And regardless of my circumstances please use me to be a channel of your love in some way to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Revelation 21:4 (NJKV).