Do you always do what you truly want to do, or do you give in to other’s wants because you are afraid to say no? Are you swayed by what others think because you fear you won’t be liked if you don’t do what they want or think you should do?

A part of growth and maturity is recognizing our legitimate needs, taking responsibility for getting them met in healthy ways, and by being our own person in that we are being true to ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be controlled by what others want, think, or expect. The healthy, mature person makes decisions on the basis of what he/she knows is right for him/her. While we don’t give in to others’ demands, it doesn’t mean that we never give in to their wishes. It means that we do what we choose to do, not because somebody else says we should, but because we want and freely choose to do so. Living by others’ “shoulds” will imprison us!

Like David, learn to listen to your heart. Your heart knows what you want and need. Learn to say no to others’ demands when you know that to say no is the right thing for you to do. Allowing ourselves to be controlled by others’ demands and “shoulds” also makes us angry inside.

Remember, without the freedom to say “no” our “yeses” are meaningless.

We can learn to listen to our heart “deep down inside us” and trust it. I was taught that I could never trust my feelings (heart). Wrong. I have since learned that I can always trust my feelings. What I can’t always trust is my interpretation of them. However, with practice I’m getting much better at it, and believe I am a much wiser, healthier, and more mature person as a result.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to listen to my heart and become real. Help me to listen to what my inner self is telling me and above all else, help me to listen to what you are saying. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus Name, amen.”

1. Psalm 4:4 (NIRV).

In teaching classes and counseling hurting people I often remind them that the problem is never the problem and the pain we feel is not the pain that is. This usually takes a while to sink in.

In most difficulties and conflicts what we see is the presenting problem which, more often than not, is the symptom of a deeper problem or “the fruit of a deeper root.”

As someone else said, “When we have unresolved problems/issues, God is merciful in that he gives us symptoms.” Relational conflicts, anxiety, insomnia, depression, addictions, spiritual dryness, physical ills, and any of a score of other symptoms can be caused or greatly aggravated by unresolved guilt over past unconfessed sins, a deeply buried resentment and a failure to forgive someone from a past hurt, unresolved grief from the loss of a love, or rebelling against the will of God, etc., etc. The roots of some of these issues can go all the way back to early childhood. All need to be confronted and resolved if we are to fully live and fully love, and maintain sound physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being.

Furthermore, many of our physical symptoms can be symbolic. Some ulcers, for example, are not caused so much by what we eat but by what is eating us. Tension headaches can be from jamming up anger in our head. Aching shoulders may be caused by feeling under a heavy load and so on. And if I have a pain in the neck … I may be one, or have someone or some situation in my life that I feel is a pain in the neck!

Tracing symptoms to their causes and resolving these opens the door for healing and recovery. If we don’t connect to and resolve the original pain that is the root cause of our symptoms, we will suffer the ongoing pain of the symptoms. This is what I mean by saying, “The pain we feel is not the pain that is.”

After David confessed his sin, he said, “What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record. There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration. All day and all night your hand was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water on a sunny day until I finally admitted all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess them to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”²

David gives us an excellent example to follow.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, no matter what symptoms I have in my life, if they are the fruit of a deeper root, please give me the courage to see and confront these. And please lead me to the help I need to resolve them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (TLB)(NLT).

2. Psalm 32:1-5 (TLB)(NLT).

Somebody said, “The difference between predestination and free will is: “Predestination is the hand you were dealt; free will is what you do with that hand.” Good point.

While we weren’t responsible for, nor did we have any choice in what gifts and abilities we were born with, we are totally responsible for what we do about discovering and developing these gifts and talents and for how we use them.

Furthermore, regardless of our background, which I acknowledge has a profound effect on us, with God’s help and the support of encouraging friends, we can refuse to allow our past to determine our future and we can overcome much of our past, develop our talents, and become the person God wants us to be and do what we believe He wants us to do with our life.

It all boils down to choice. Either by conscious choice or by default we all choose what we want to become and do what we choose to do. As another has said, “Everyone is self-made, even if the rich are the only ones who will admit it.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to discover what my gifts and talents are—both spiritual and natural—and develop them, and find a productive way to use them for the benefit of others and for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Timothy 1:6 (NASB).

One of my favorite Bible teachers was such an inspiration to listen to. There was only one point where I disagreed with him. He taught that we only need to confess our sins to God. Wrong.

James disagreed too. True, we need to confess our sins to God but also to one another. This doesn’t mean that we need to confess to the “whole world” but we do need to confess to at least one safe, trustworthy person.

A safe person is someone who, when we confess our sins and failures, won’t judge, condemn, shame us, or tattle on [gossip about] us to anyone else, but love and accept us as we are—as God does.

Confession is needed for healing because unresolved guilt as well as super-charged repressed negative emotions such as resentment, anger, grief, shame, pride and so on either cause many of our physical sicknesses or greatly aggravate them. When we confess our sins and get this poison out of our system, the way is cleared for healing. Unconfessed sin is a killer. It’s like a spiritual/emotional cancer and if we don’t get the “cancer” the “cancer” will get us in one way or another. It’s not without good reason that God’s Word teaches us to confess our sins before we even pray for healing.

Sadly, too often we are afraid to admit and confess our sins and failures for fear of being judged, criticized, or even condemned so we keep them well hidden. Consequently, there is limited healing, for without confession there is no healing when our sicknesses are caused or affected by our hidden unconfessed sins.

It is interesting that the Bible teacher mentioned above came down with a debilitating illness that slowly took his life—quite possibly before his time. I say this because he didn’t believe in what James said we needed to do to be healed.

When any healer avoids this principle of confession before praying for healing, he may do more harm than good in the long run. God isn’t going to heal me of a sickness or problem that is a symptom of a deeper fault. The mind can be very tricky. I may get rid of one symptom but if I don’t deal with the cause, I’ll exchange it for another and kid myself that I’ve been healed!

Speaking personally, I learned early in life to repress and bury all my negative emotions but am physically healthier today than I was when half my age. I used to have terrible hay fever and had painful bursitis in both shoulders. When I got in touch with and confessed/expressed so much buried grief, hurt and anger, I was healed of both hay fever and bursitis. When I bury my grief, for instance, where do those tears go? I either express them in a healthy way (by sobbing them out) or they will affect me in an unhealthy way. The same is true of all super-charged repressed negative emotions. We either express them creatively, or we will, in some way act them out destructively.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, here’s a list of sins/faults that I have never confessed to another soul. Please help me to get in touch with any and all buried negative emotions and any sins of pride, jealousy, resentment, grief and so on so I can confess and resolve these. And please help me to find a loving, safe, and accepting person to confess these to—as well as confessing them to you—so I can be healed. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

People—all the way from ordinary individuals, celebrities, business personnel, lawyers, politicians, etc., etc.—are notorious for avoiding or abetting others from personal responsibility.

Just today, for example, I was informed about a young woman in her mid-twenties who “fell pregnant” during a ten-day relationship with a man twenty years her senior (who happened to be wealthy). So she quit her job, bought an expensive car, rented a nice house … and sued her “overnight lover” for an exorbitant amount of monthly support to maintain her newly acquired lifestyle and the not-yet-born child. And the judge granted her what she demanded—for the next 18 years!

Pray tell me, who was the most irresponsible person in this case … the man in question, the money-grabbing woman, her lawyer or the judge? By the way the father-to-be had already offered the mother-to-be more than adequate support for the child—but she wanted more. In a year or two will this woman “want” another child and sue another hard-working wealthy man? Who’s to stop her when lawyers and judges won’t? We have gone sue-crazy in this country and too many lawyers and judges are letting people get away with it. So who are the sickest?

Furthermore, when are we going to make people responsible for THEIR actions? And isn’t abortion (regardless of what it is called) another way of allowing irresponsible people to avoid personal responsibility? Irresponsibility is a curse on society. Ultimately it destroys us. As the old saying goes, there are no free lunches. In the end we all pay.

It is absolutely imperative that personal responsibility is taught and exemplified from the cradle to the grave … starting with parents … teachers … politicians … and every one in between. And let it begin with you and me.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, grant that those of us who name the name of Christ will model responsibility in every area of life and set an example for all to follow. So help us God so to do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 4:13 (NIV).

A man went to visit a psychiatrist, or so the story goes, and said, “Doc, I’ve got two problems.” The psychiatrist said, “Okay, tell me all about it.” The man began, “Well, first of all, I think I am a Coca-Cola Machine.”

The psychiatrist sat the man down and started therapy. For weeks, he gave it his best shot but nothing seemed to help. Finally, out of exasperation, the psychiatrist jumped up one day, took two quarters (25-cent pieces) out of his pocket, shoved them in the man’s mouth, grabbed him by the ears and shook him till he swallowed them. Then he hollered, “Okay, now give me a Coke.”

That’s when the man said, “I can’t, Doc. That’s my second problem, I’m out of order.”²

Jokes aside, the only people who have a problem that anyone can ever help, and the only ones that God can help are those who admit, “I have a problem. I need help. I’m out of order.” As long as we blame anybody else for the way we react to situations, we will never overcome our problems. What others do to me is their issue. This is not to justify what they have done. However, how I respond is always my responsibility. In other words, whatever bothers me is my problem/issue and I need to resolve that.

Overcoming any problem means acknowledging that I have a problem, admitting what the problem is, seeking help to overcome it, and persistence to hang in until the problem is resolved.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I have a problem, please give me the courage to admit it and then do something about overcoming it … and lead me to the help I need to do so. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 18:13 (NIV).

2. Parables, Etc. Nov. ’86, Submitted by Ed Rutherford, Cerritos Assembly, Cerritos, California.

I read how Ray, an energetic three-year-old, liked to play being Superman. Each morning he would have his mother pin a bath towel to the back of his T-shirt and off he’d go imagining he was wearing the magic blue and red cape pretending he was Superman. In his mind he came to believe he was Superman.

Then came kindergarten. When the teacher asked Ray for his name, he replied, “Superman.” Trying to hide her amusement she asked again, “I need to know your real name.” Again he replied in all sincerity, “Superman.”

The teacher, still trying to hide her amusement, got down to Ray’s level and, looking squarely into Ray’s eyes, said quite firmly, “I need to know your real name. What is it?”

Little Ray looked around the room, making sure no one was listening and, leaning close to the teacher, whispered in her ear, “I’m Clark Kent.”

We smile at a child’s innocence and make-believe world. But in reality some of us, afraid of being known for who we truly are, have hidden behind a pretend-mask for so long that we have come to believe that the role we play is the real us. In doing so, we fail to realize that the loneliness we struggle with is caused by our living in a make-believe world, neither knowing who we are or being known for who we are. For we can only ever be loved and connected to other loving people to the degree that we are known. Masks can’t be loved. Only real people can be loved.

Let’s learn to be like Nathanial about whom Jesus said when he first saw him, “Here comes a man in whom there is nothing false.” Or in our language, “Here comes an honest man.”

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to see any areas of my life where I am hiding or whatever things in my life I am hiding from. Help me to be honest with myself, with you, and with at least one trusted and loving friend. Help me to be real so I can truly love and be loved. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 1:47 (NIV).

Chuck Colson reports in Breakpoint how Gregg Easterbrook in his book, The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse, says that there is as much as a “ten-fold increase in unipolar depression in industrial nations in the postwar era.”

After giving one or two other reasons for this increase Colson says, “Another mistaken idea contributing to depression is the ‘postwar teaching of victimology and helplessness.’ Intellectuals, politicians, tort lawyers, and the media have worked to identify and designate new classes of victims. As Martin Seligman [of the University of Pennsylvania] notes, more and more Americans identify themselves as victims of one sort or another. The result is a sense of helplessness. Americans, especially the young, claim to have less and less control over their lives at the same time that they enjoy unprecedented personal freedom.”²

As I’ve reported on several occasions, in my experience having taught in divorce recovery and relationship classes over the past couple of decades, one of the biggest causes I have seen for failure in relationships is this victim mentality. At least 90 percent of divorcees and those in failed relationships I have worked with primarily blame their partner for their unresolved conflicts, while failing to admit that they shared equal responsibility (even if it was just being too passive and/or too codependent).

Furthermore, almost none even consider what flaw it was in them that caused them to be attracted to their partner in the first place. The reality is we are as sick as the people we are attracted to [or as healthy]. Sadly, as long as people play this blame-game, they will never recover. Even worse, they will continue to repeat their past mistakes. It’s either resolution or repetition.

“Up to a point a man’s life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, ‘This I am today; that I will be tomorrow.’”³

Or we could put it this way, “This is the way I am today. That, by the grace of God, is what I will be tomorrow.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from ever playing the blame-game. Help me always to look for and discover whatever I have or am contributing to any conflict I happen to find myself in. And then, when admitting my problem, please lead me to the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 14:12 (NIV).

2. Breakpoint, August 26, 2004 http://www.breakpoint.org/bp-home

3. Louis L’Amour.

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won’t even try to escape.

Some of us are like the flies. Because of a traumatic or painful experience in our past, we have been “conditioned” to believe that we are trapped in a prison of helplessness without escape, so we are afraid to try again for fear of failure or of being hurt again.

To overcome, we need to acknowledge where we have been hurt and, if necessary, get into a recovery program to overcome our painful memories and unresolved feelings.

As Peter said, “So get rid of your feelings of hatred.”² The same principle applies to all negative feelings—especially the supercharged repressed negative emotions. Repressing or denying these feelings doesn’t get rid of them. It only adds “interest” to them and makes matters worse. Furthermore, we can never truly “get rid of” a negative painful past until we have resolved it. Only then are we truly able to forgive any and all who have ever hurt us. Until we do this, we are still bound to and controlled by our past.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to resolve any hurts from the past that are affecting my life in any negative way. And, if necessary, find the help needed to do this, so that I can forgive any and all who have ever hurt me, and in so doing put all these matters behind me, and be free to fully live and fully love and to better serve you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV).

2. I Peter 2:1 (TLB)(NLT).

A Daily Encounter subscriber shares his struggle saying, “I have a challenge in overcoming the problem of lust. I have tried several times to overcome this problem, and have had momentary success only to fall after a short time. However, I am determined to conquer this weakness but need help to overcome.

Dear Joel (name changed), thank you for your honesty in sharing your problem with lust, which, by the way is a problem that many of us struggle with or have struggled with at some time in our life.

First, understand that sexual feelings are normal and are a God-given gift to humanity. The important issue, however, is that we remain in control of this drive and don’t allow it to control us. We also need to control it in our mind because, as Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”² Doing this, of course, is not merely a weakness, it is sin. The fact is, what we consistently think about eventually comes about.

Second, besides struggling with our sinful nature, lust can be a symptom of, and further aggravated by, a deeper fault or problem. For example, lust can be caused by repressed love; and when it is, it is a false and empty substitute for love. If this is the case, wise counseling may be needed to resolve this problem.

Third, when we don’t get our needs met in healthy ways, it can be very tempting to get them met in unhealthy ways such as through illicit sex. Thus, especially when single, it is very important to have several healthy non-sexual friendships with both sexes in mixed company to get legitimate social needs met in healthy ways.

Fourth, until married it is advisable to find healthy ways to sublimate your sexual drive by being involved in creative projects that provide a means for you to use your gifts and talents and, in so doing, help burn up some of your sexual drive/energy. Intense physical exercise can also help burn up some of this energy.

Fifth, the goal is to become an emotionally and spiritually mature person so that you will, when the time is right, be attracted to a mature marriage partner so your sexual needs can be met in healthy ways in a good marriage. As the Apostle Paul said, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.”³

Sixth, if you feel totally defeated by your sexual lust and/or actions, it is wise to seek capable Christian counseling to help you work through and resolve the issues behind your out-of-control lust. If you live in North America you could call the Narramore Christian Foundation at 1-800-477-5893 and press “1″ for Dianne and she may be able to give you the name of a good Christian counselor in your area.

Finally, pray. At the beginning of every day I suggest that you commit and trust your life and way to God, asking him to lead you in the way you should go. Furthermore, every time you are tempted to lust after a woman (or a man if you are a woman) keep praying, “Lord Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner. Lord Jesus, help,” until the temptation subsides. This is a very effective way to guard your thinking and help keep your mind pure.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, I acknowledge the fact that I have a sinful nature and without your help, am prone to go astray. I surrender my heart and life to you; please help me to become whole in every area of my life so that my lifestyle, my actions, and my relationships will all be wholesome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 4:8 (NIV).

2. Matthew 5:28 (NIV).

3. 1 Corinthians 7:9 (NIV).