Have you ever felt in the pits when a well-meaning friend told you that you shouldn’t feel that way? It makes you feel worse. Right? Whether we should or shouldn’t feel what we feel is beside the point. We feel what we feel because we are who and what we are.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. It’s what we do with them that counts. And, contrary to what many of us were taught, feelings are important. They are a God-given vital part of our humanity.

In one sense feelings are an “emotional thermometer.” They tell us what’s going on inside of us—what our emotional temperature is and, when interpreted correctly, can indicate when we are emotionally well or if there is some issue in our life we need to resolve.

When feelings are repressed, one’s “thermometer” is out of order. It’s a very unhealthy way to live. You don’t even know when you are sick (emotionally and/or spiritually). Furthermore, people whose feelings are repressed may be clever but can, at the same time, be very cold, calculating, insensitive, callous, and—in the extreme—even murderous.

Feelings can be trusted. What we can’t always trust is our interpretation of them. That’s the difficult part, but with help it can be learned and learn it we must if we are to be emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy.

Learn to listen to your emotions. Take time to write a daily journal. Record what you are feeling without any kind of self-judgment. David did a lot of this in the Psalms. Get into a support, recovery or therapy group where it is safe to express your feelings and get them out into the open where they can be accepted and examined. If emotions are deeply buried, chances are you will need a capable therapist to help you work through and resolve the barriers in your life that are blocking your feelings.

Be aware, too, that the negative emotions we fail to talk out creatively we will inevitably act out in one way or another destructively. Also remember that Jesus never told us how to feel or how not to feel—only how to act.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to get in touch with all of my emotions—both positive and negative—and learn how to express them creatively in a healthy manner so that I will become an honest and real person as David was. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus in Matthew 5:4 (NIV).

I once asked a group what they thought a Christian’s number one sin or problem was. As quick as a flash one humorist replied, “Apathy, but who cares?” While he was joking, he may have been correct, but my belief is that another of our biggest problems is the sin of denial!

No matter what our problem is, as long as we keep our head in the sand and don’t admit there’s a problem, or refuse to face reality, there is no resolution. As one ostrich said to the other, both with their heads in the sand, “Is it safe to come out yet?”

One of my greatest strengths is to admit my failures and weaknesses. That takes honesty and courage, but it doesn’t take courage to deny them. Denial is more a sign of fear and weakness.

Without access to the truth there is no healing, there is no overcoming our difficulties and problems, and there is no freedom. We put ourselves outside of God’s “boundaries” to help us.

Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”² So as long as there is any area of my life where I haven’t found freedom, then, to that degree, there is some truth about myself that I am not seeing or facing or am in denial about. Denial is deadly. It prevents us becoming all that God wants us to be. It is also the root cause of endless physical sicknesses, relational conflicts, spiritual dryness, and emotional problems including anxiety, worry, false guilt, hostility, depression and so on.

Furthermore, as today’s Scripture points out, getting real is a part of growing up into the fullness of our salvation and/or Christian maturity.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be totally open and honest with myself, with you, and with at least one safe and trusted friend to whom I can confess all my fears, failures, sins and weaknesses without any fear of being judged, criticized or put down. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 2:1-2 (TLB)(NLT).

2. John 8:32.

In a seminar I was leading on relationships a young man was sharing the problems he was having with interpersonal relationships. After listening to all he had to say, I simply asked, “Please tell me about your father.”

His reaction was rather dramatic. He stood directly to his feet and in no uncertain terms angrily replied, “That question is psychology and psychology is of the devil. I refuse to answer you.” As he picked up his belongings and stormed out of the room, I said “You just did” (meaning that he just answered me via his actions.)

My question regarding his father obviously triggered a deep issue that he was either afraid to face or refused to deal with. This was obvious by his strong overreaction.

No matter what anyone does or says to me—that may or may not be a problem—to the degree that I overreact, that is always my problem. Always!

Part of what this young man said is true in that that some psychology is bad, but there is good psychology too. This also relates to theology—some is bad and some is good. This could apply to every field. Simply put, while theology is the study and understanding of God, psychology is the study and understanding of people. And if we, as Christians, don’t understand people, we can do more harm than good when it comes to trying to help them resolve personal issues. The fact is that Jesus, being the Master Psychologist par Excellence, always understood people² and understanding them, always knew what was needed to meet their need. Furthermore, only to the degree that you and I understand ourselves are we able of know and understand anyone else.

Remember, God desires truth in our innermost being. This means being honest with ourselves, with at least one other trusted friend or counselor, and honest with God. This includes being honest with our innermost feelings, our motives, and bringing all of our supercharged repressed negative emotions into the light so that they can be confronted, dealt with, and resolved (it’s the latter of these that cause us to overreact). Whether we call this personal psychology or simply self-understanding doesn’t matter—neither is ever of the devil. If anything is of the devil, it would be living in denial and self-deception, as the devil is the father of lies.³

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of denial and projecting onto others the outcome of my unresolved personal issues by overreacting to what others do or say to me. Please confront me with the truth about myself, help me to see and resolve any unresolved issues, and help me always to walk on the path of truth. So help me God. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 51:6 (NKJV).

2. See John 2:24-25.

3. See John 8:44.

Dear Jane (name changed), as I often tell people when it comes to trying to understand and resolve personal problems: “The problem is never the problem.” By this I mean that, more often than not, the problem we see isn’t the problem that is. What we usually see is the symptom of the problem, but not the root cause. To resolve the problem it is imperative that we face and resolve the root cause/s.

Because, at times, you feel that God hates you sounds as if, in your past, you may have felt that a significant male hated you. I wonder if you may have had a confusing relationship with your father when you were growing up and never felt certain whether or not he loved you. I say this because we tend to project onto God, our Heavenly Father, exactly how we feel or felt towards our earthly father.

If a person had a close, loving and warm relationship with his or her father and felt loved and affirmed by him, it is very easy to feel close to and loved and affirmed by God. But if she had a distant relationship with her father, or never felt truly loved or affirmed by him, chances are that she won’t feel close to God either—and at times feel that he doesn’t love her—or even hates her. I know because I had to resolve this issue in my own life having come from a very dysfunctional family background and can’t ever remember feeling close to my father.

So how do you overcome and resolve these disturbing feelings?

First, I suggest that you earnestly pray that God will reveal to you the truth of your feelings; that is, the root cause of your feeling that sometimes God hates you. Keep in mind that once you clearly see the root cause, you can then see what you need to do to resolve your problem. As the greatest teacher of all times once said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”¹ Without access to the truth, there is no healing or recovery, and we stay “stuck” in our situation.

Second, if these feelings run deep, chances are you may need to see a capable Christian counselor to help you resolve the root cause of your problem. For counseling resources visit the https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php website.

Third, every day remind yourself of this truth—regardless of how you feel—a truth for which you can be 100 percent certain: No matter what you have ever done or have failed to do God loves you (and always will) totally, fully and unconditionally. And daily thank God for his unfailing love.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that when ‘I have unresolved personal issues, you give me symptoms.’ In all of my struggles please give me the courage and help I need to see and confront the root cause or causes of my problem, and to find the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: The issue we have addressed in this Daily Encounter points out the critical need and importance for a father’s love and affirmation of every child during their formative years. We ignore this divine principle to the peril of our children and their generation.

1. Jesus Christ in John 8:32.

Most of us struggle with fear of one sort or another at one time or another—some mild, some serious, some healthy, some unhealthy and self-defeating.

Healthy fear is a self-protective mechanism. We rightly fear (or should) driving through a red light, or doing anything that could hurt us or others. Unhealthy fear is that which is caused by someone who hurt us deeply, and especially when we bury and deny it. This fear can become a floating anxiety and cause us to be fearful of everyday living, separate us from close relationships and cause loneliness, give us ulcers or other physical ills, or cause us to hide it and “protect” ourselves with anger.

Fears that are relatively harmless can often be overcome by doing the thing we fear and thereby reconditioning our response to the particular thing we fear.

Unhealthy or self-defeating fears need to be dealt with at their root cause. For example, a person who was abused or abandoned as a child may be fearful of being treated the same way as an adult. And, for some strange reason, unless he faces and resolves this fear, he will tend to either withdraw from close relationships or be attracted to people who will repeat the abuse or abandonment he experienced in the past. Sadly, the things we fail to resolve we are destined to repeat.

As today’s Scripture points out, “The man [person] who fears is not made perfect in love.” Thus, to be made perfect in love means we need to resolve any unhealthy fears. To do this these fears need to be recognized and if repressed, they need to be brought into the conscious mind so they can be confronted and resolved.

Look at the symptoms in your life. Do you avoid close relationships? Is your life filled with anxiety? Are you an angry person? Do you have any impaired close relationships? Is your marriage a wreck? If any of these apply to you, chances are you may have unresolved fear. So when you pray, admit these and any other symptoms to God and ask him to give you the courage to see the root cause of these—and to lead you to the help you need to overcome these. If the fears are buried, you may need qualified professional counseling help to overcome these. Speaking personally, buried fear was a major problem in my life until I realized that unless I got into therapy to resolve my fear, I would be running from love for the rest of my life.

As we resolve unhealthy fears, we open ourselves to love, and the more we are filled with God’s love, the less fearful we will be because perfect love drives out fear.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to face the root cause of any or all fear/s I may have and lead me to the help I need to overcome them so I can be freed to know and experience your love, which is the ultimate protection against fear. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 4:18 (NIV).

Most readers will be familiar with Moses confronting Pharaoh when he was attempting to lead the ancient Israeli slaves out of bondage in Egypt. Pharaoh kept opposing, opposing, and opposing the will of God. In the process he kept hardening his heart until after repeated opportunities he still refused to do what was right, God gave up on him.

So who really hardened Pharaoh’s heart, God or Pharaoh himself?

And what’s this got to do with cognitive dissonance? Everything. Cognitive dissonance is a fancy term for mental disharmony or a lack of peace of mind. For example, if we consistently fail to do what we know is right, and/or keep doing what we know is wrong, we will lose peace of mind and experience cognitive dissonance. Because we can’t stand living this way, instead of correcting our behavior, we repress and deny our feelings, rationalize our behavior, justify our actions, start believing our own lies—and end up with a hardened heart and dead conscience—a dangerous course to follow. Ultimately we self-destruct.

All of God’s laws are universal. Take his moral law for example. We can no more break it than we can break the law of gravity. Try to break either one of these and we end up breaking ourselves against them. How foolish to think we can break God’s laws and not suffer the natural consequences. All we do is harden our heart and deaden our conscience. And unless we repent of our sinful ways and turn back to God, we end up in a lost eternity forever. God’s ways are for our protection and eternal salvation. We neglect them at our own peril.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me always to listen to and heed the warnings you have built into my mind when I am tempted to stray from the truth and what is right … so that I will never deaden my conscience and end up with a hardened heart. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. See Exodus 8:15; 8:32; 9:34; and 10:20.

I recall exactly where I was standing some years ago when an extremely simple, yet profound truth suddenly dawned on me as I said to myself, “The reason I felt empty inside is because I am.”

Like thousands of other kids I grew up suffering from love-deprivation and for a big part of my life worked tirelessly to gain approval, not realizing that I was substituting this for the love I yearned for deep inside.

Approval can look very much like love. It can be given in love but it isn’t love, and when substituted for love it never satisfies.

Approval is based on what we do, but we need to feel loved and affirmed for who we are. Approval is a good thing when given and received for the right reasons, but when substituted for love it can become another addiction to anesthetize the pain of not feeling loved. It can be like a drug. The more we get, the less it satisfies, so the more we seek after it.

Affirmation is based on who we are apart from what we do. And only when we feel affirmed, can we get off the merry-go-round of doing all sorts of things to get approval.

More than anything else we need to know God the Heavenly Father’s love and affirmation at the very core of our being. This, I believe, is one of the greatest needs of every human heart, without which we may believe in God with our head but still feel disconnected from him in our heart.

And how can I know God the Father’s love and affirmation at the core of my being? First, by believing that God loves me because his Word says so and taking this by faith. Second, by sharing my total self over time (especially my dark side) with one or two safe, trusted friends who—knowing the real me—will love and accept me just as I am—warts and all. As they do this for me, little by little I come to love and accept myself in a healthy way and, in so doing, I feel affirmed and am able to open myself to accepting God the Father’s love, acceptance and affirmation through them.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me a friend or two with whom I can be totally open and honest, friends who know me and will love me still, and through whom I can feel and know your love and affirmation at the very core of my being. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader writes: “I am writing because I need to confess some things I am struggling with. I have a drinking, smoking, and pornography problem and am irresponsible with spending. As a result I have lost my home. I don’t want to do these things and repent over and over but keep doing them. I am so sick of this filth that’s inside of me. I feel like I’m going down this shame spiral. I feel very frustrated, depressed and angry. I want to change in a hurry before something more drastic happens.”

Dear Tim (name changed), thank you for sharing your struggles. This is the beginning point of recovery. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you a quick fix as it takes commitment, time and hard work, as well as God’s help, to overcome problems that have established themselves in our life over a period of years.

The next step in recovery is to learn how to pray the right prayer; that is to pray honestly with the right motive. For instance, it is imperative that you admit that you are an addict—addicted to drinking, smoking, pornography and over-spending. Realize that any habit that controls us is an addiction. When we want God to deliver us only from our addictive behaviors without admitting the real issue of being an addict and dealing with the cause or causes (often hidden) of the addictive behaviors that enslave us, we are praying the wrong prayer with the wrong motive.

True, while your addictive behaviors are problems that need to be confronted, they are not the main issue, but the symptoms of a deeper problem—the fruit of a deeper root. It’s at that deeper root level that God wants to heal you. When we focus our prayers only on the symptoms, we tend to reinforce them, for what the mind dwells on, the body acts on.

From what you have shared about your family background, it is obvious that you are suffering a deep love-deprivation need that goes all the way back to your childhood. It is at this level where you need healing. Your addictive behaviors have been used as a defense against feeling this pain and as a means to medicate and deaden it.

You need help to stop acting out in addictive behaviors so you can feel your pain, face it, confront it, and resolve it. Start by praying the right prayer. Admit to God that you are an addict, that you are powerless to overcome your addictions in your own strength, and ask God to help you see the real cause of your problem, and to lead you to the help you need to overcome it.

Also, realize that you can’t overcome your problem alone. You have already learned that this doesn’t help. A recovery program such as an AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) group can help you to stop acting out in addictive behaviors. This will allow you to get in touch with and resolve the cause or causes of your addictive behaviors.

Chances are that you are going to need help from a capable counselor who can help you work through and resolve your childhood hurts and lack of meaningful love—which is undoubtedly at the root cause of your addiction. (See below for helpful information.)

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in all my praying, please help me to be honest with myself and with you, admit what I really am (an addict that needs help … or name whatever problem you are struggling with), and see the root cause of my addictive behaviors. And please lead me to the help I need to resolve and overcome my problem. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: For help to locate a counselor/counseling in your area see “Suggested Resources for Counseling” at: https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php

1. James 4:3 (NIV).

I’m not sure why God didn’t want David to take a count of his “armed forces” unless it was that God wanted David to stay dependent on him—not on his military might. At any rate, David went against God’s directives and became conscience-stricken.

Conscience can be a tricky thing. We weren’t born knowing what was right or wrong but with the ability to learn this. The word “conscience” is comprised of the prefix “con” meaning “with” and “science” meaning “knowledge” and literally means “with knowledge.”

At birth our conscience was like a blank tape that was programmed by those who shaped our early life. If you grew up in a rigid, legalistic, punitive home, church or religious group, chances are you will have a rigid, legalistic and punitive conscience. Some of these people feel so controlled, restricted and smothered that they end up rebelling against or even deadening their conscience. On the other hand if you grew up in a very liberal or loose environment, you may do some things God’s Word teaches are wrong and not feel a twinge of conscience.

As a result of faulty teaching, some of us sometimes feel guilty (conscience-stricken) when we shouldn’t and don’t feel conscience-stricken when we should.

As adults, to have a healthy conscience many of us need to deprogram the legalism and other faulty teaching we received in the past, and reprogram our conscience with knowledge based on what God’s Word teaches so that we know what is right and what is wrong so our feelings no longer confuse, control or lead us astray.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, sometimes I am confused so please help me to always know what is the right thing to do and the courage to do it. And help me to know what wrong things not to do, and the wisdom and strength not to do them—based on the truth of your Word and not on the basis of how I feel. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Samuel 24:10 (NIV).

Guilt, false guilt, and shame can all look alike but they’re not. For instance true guilt says you have done something wrong or bad, while shame says you are bad; that is, you are a bad person.

With real guilt, if you know you’ve done something wrong, and confess it and make restitution, the feeling of guilt goes away. If it doesn’t, it may be false guilt or shame you are struggling with.

You can confess false guilt forever, but that will never resolve it because it isn’t guilt. It is a conditioned response learned mostly in earlier years.

It can come from parents, siblings, and even from some rigid churches, sad to say.

Some of it, at least, works like this: “If you do what I want you to do, behave the way I want you to behave, conform to what I want, and even believe what I want you to believe, I will give you my love and approval. If you don’t do these things, I will withhold my love and approval and make you feel guilty. Or if you do things I don’t like, I will make you feel ashamed with my ‘shame on you’ statements and attitude.” Or if a child was sexually violated or abused he or she may feel shame-based.

False guilt and shame are destructive ways of controlling other people. Both are psychologically damaging. To overcome these, a recovery program or counseling is often needed.

As I understand it, guilt in the Bible is a legal—not a feeling—entity. If we have sinned and done wrong, we are guilty regardless of what we feel. Its purpose is not to make us feel that we are bad persons or to shame us, but to inform us that we have done wrong and that there are always consequences. The feeling response we ought to feel when we have done wrong is Godly sorrow. This is to motivate us to come to Jesus Christ for his salvation and forgiveness, wherever possible to put right the wrongs we have done, and to genuinely repent of (turn away from) sinful actions.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me never to use false guilt or shame to control anyone. Also, help me to resolve any feelings of false guilt and shame that I may have and therein experience your unconditional love, forgiveness, and affirmation at the very core of my being. If there is any real guilt in my life, help me to see it, to seek your forgiveness for it, and wherever possible put right any wrongs that I have done. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV).