Related to what the Bible calls “confession,” counselors call “catharsis,” which means to purify by emptying out—an emptying out of the emotional poison that makes us sick or sicker than we need to be. Catharsis is needed to “get rid of … feelings of hatred”² as God’s Word instructs us to do. Just talking “about” negative feelings doesn’t get rid of them. In fact, it can keep one stuck in them. They need to be felt in all their intensity and expressed creatively by either verbalizing them or writing them out until they are totally dissipated. (For help see footnote No. 3.)

Confession is not only confessing our failures and sins, but also where we’ve been sinned against, as this can leave a spirit of resentment in us that we need to “empty out” and resolve.

Confession with catharsis is the emptying out of the poisonous emotions of hurt, anger, grief, guilt, and shame that are a result of our own actions or of being hurt, abandoned, abused, criticized, rejected, and so on, which stops us truly forgiving any and all who may have hurt us in the past—anywhere from yesterday to yesteryear all the way back to early childhood.

Furthermore, to fail to forgive keeps us bound by the past. As we have noted before, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Or as Max Lucado put it, “Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner.”

It is a fact of life that confession with catharsis, followed by forgiveness of any and all who have ever hurt us, opens the door to our healing and wellbeing.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see any sins in my life that I need to confess, and help me to get in touch with any unresolved negative emotions and learn how to ‘empty them out’ in helpful and healing ways. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

2. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB) (NLT).

3. See, “Taming Your Anger,” http://tinyurl.com/b439f.

A Daily Encounter reader shares how her re-married father spoils her stepsisters rotten but totally neglects her, and has done so for many years. She feels totally abandoned and rejected by him. One can understand how she feels, but as long as she feels bitter towards her father, she will never find peace of mind or heart. She, of course, is not alone in her situation. Endless people are still carrying hurt and nursing grudges from things that happened years earlier.

The reality is, as I continually remind folk, that we can’t change anybody else regardless of our relationship with them. The only person we can ever change is our self.

The real issue is not so much on what others do to us, but how we react (or overreact) to external circumstances. If our inner sense of wellbeing is dependent on how others treat us, we will remain miserable much of the time. What others do to me is their issue. How I respond is always my issue, my responsibility, and my choice. Furthermore, when we overreact to external circumstances, it is always our problem. We overreact when we have hurtful issues from the past that we have never resolved, and those ancient buried feelings get triggered.

In her book, Your Life Matters, Petrea King wrote, “Peace becomes possible when we stop blaming anything or anyone for how we feel and take responsibility for our own perceptions. If we pursue happiness in the way our culture suggests, we reach for it outside of ourselves and remain dependent on circumstances that will remain forever beyond our control. But if we anchor our sense of self in our consciousness, rather than in the outer trappings or events of our life, peace becomes possible.”²

And as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Though we search the world over for the beautiful, we find it within or we find it not.”

Furthermore, as Christians, we not only need to resolve our hurt and angry feelings from the past, but also to surrender circumstances beyond our control to the Lord and trust him to bring good out of the situation. That is a choice we can each make and live by. Only then will we discover the peace that Jesus promised to his disciples and followers.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to realize that lasting peace comes from within and is not dependent on external circumstances. Help me to change the things I can change and accept with grace the things I can’t change—and through these circumstances become more mature and Christ-like in every way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 14:27 (NIV).

2. Petrea King, Your Life Matters, Random House Australia, 2004, p. 33.

You may have heard the story (a fable to be sure) about the father who knocks on his son’s door. “Jaime,” he says, “wake up!” Jaime answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.”

The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.” Jaime says, “I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” asks the father. “Three reasons,” says Jaime. “First, because it’s so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.” And the father says, “Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.”

When I ask people in seminars how many believe that God has a life-purpose for them, most raise their hand. But when I ask how many know what it is, only a few have any idea what it might be, and even fewer have clearly defined it. Most say they want to know what it is but don’t diligently seek God to discover what it is.

Many people say they want to overcome their problems too, but are not prepared to do their part to make it happen. Even the best psychologists will tell you that “people don’t really want to be cured. What they want is relief; a cure is too painful.” One surgeon said that many patients who come to him with a problem would rather that he operate on their body than they operate on their lifestyle, and that only about 25 percent of his patients accept responsibility for their wellness.

Jesus didn’t say, “Do you wish to be made well, but rather, do you want to be made well?” To be made well needs to be more than a wish. It needs to be a true desire, with determination and commitment to do what one has to do to get well. As a Chinese proverbs puts it, “Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.”

Do you want to get well … to achieve something worthwhile with your life … to become happy and fulfilled … and to go to Heaven when you die? Or do you just wish all these things? Remember that wishes don’t make it. If you truly want to go to Heaven be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the want to get well in every area of my life, and reveal to me any areas of resistance so I can deal with these issues, and accept full responsibility for my wellness. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:5-6 (NKJV).

“Douglas Bernstein, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois, recently asked faculty members for the ‘most unusual, bizarre and amazing student excuses’ they had ever heard. He got dozens.” Following are a few:

“An old favorite, but one professor’s class established some sort of record when 14 out of 250 students reported their grandmothers’ deaths just before final exams. In another class a student reported that he could not take the mid-term because his grandmother had died. When the instructor expressed condolences a week later, the student replied, ‘Oh, don’t worry. She was terminal, but she’s feeling much better now.’

“I had an accident, the police impounded the car, and my paper is in the glove compartment.”

“I can’t be at the exam because my cat is having kittens, and I’m her coach.”

“I need to take the final early because the husband of the woman I’m seeing is threatening to kill me.”²

Excuses go all the way back to Adam and Eve who said when they blew it, “The devil made me do it.” Yeah. Right!

Sir Walter Scott put it realistically when he wrote, “Oh, what tangled webs we weave / When first we practice to deceive.”

Of one thing we can be sure. God sees all and knows all. We can never deceive him. There will be no excuses when we stand before him on our final examination day, “As it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment.”³ To make sure you are prepared for your final exam be sure to read, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” online at: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the self-deception of excuses. Help me always to tell the truth and accept responsibility for my foul-ups. And above all, help me to admit and confess to you all my failures and sins and seek your forgiveness. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 14:17-19 (NLT).

2. Dynamic Illustrations, Mar/Apr 1995. Cited in a sermon by Rev. Dr. David E. Leininger.

3. Hebrews 9:27 (NKJV).

People who provide simplistic solutions to life’s complex problems can leave a trail of hurt people in their path. I heard a so-called “faith healer” tell a woman who had just experienced a major stroke that the reason she wasn’t healed after he prayed for her was because she (and not he) lacked faith. I mean, how cruel can you get?

I attended a lecture on healing attended by some 300 people, all in some form of ministry. At one point during the lecture the speaker asked all those not feeling well to stand. About 50 people stood—including me. The speaker called on the demon of sickness to be “cast out” en masse. He then told all those who had been healed to sit down. All but nine or ten of us sat down. One by one he then “cast out” the demon of sickness and told the individual to sit down if he had been healed. One by one they sat down. Then came my turn! He then “cast” the demon of sickness out of me. Nothing happened. The pressure to conform and lie was incredible. I refused to do so. I told the speaker that I still felt sick and that I thought my upset stomach was because of a new medication I was on, and I sat down. He moved on to the next person. During the following break one attendee thanked me for not yielding to the pressure to conform.

I’ve heard another well-known speaker teach that the answer to personal problems was to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and another that the answer to loneliness was to accept Jesus as your Savior. These may be an answer for some situations but certainly not for all. Some of our problems are physical in nature, including biological problems such as a chemical imbalance in the brain; numerous problems are emotional in nature caused by unresolved negative emotions and/or by impaired relationships; and some by a multiple of different spiritual causes. Problems may be caused by a combination of all three of these areas.

The causes of our problems can be very complex and multiple and to tell a person who has appendicitis that he has a demon or doesn’t have enough faith to be healed is ignorant, insensitive, cruel and possibly even life-threatening—and certainly not Christian or Christ-like.

As psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” May I suggest you stay clear of hammer theology—it is neither of the truth nor of God.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be sensitive to the needs of others and never give simplistic solutions to life’s complex problems. Help me to understand the nature of human suffering and always seek the truth about the true causes of my own and other’s problem, when called for, and thereby pray accordingly. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 4:2-3 (NLT).

In response to an earlier Daily Encounter on materialism being caused by the repression of the emotion of wonder, Kay wrote, “I really like what you said about wonder. I think we get so caught up with the day-to-day drive that we miss out on so many things that are ‘wonderful’ because we don’t value this emotion enough. Could you please discuss how we who are overworked and tired can take some time to re-activate that sense?”

If you are in touch with your emotions, you need to make and “take time to smell the roses” … to walk on the beach, climb a mountain, sing songs, listen to quality music, dance in the snow, let your hair down, plant a garden, have fun, etc., etc. This will greatly increase your appreciation of God and the marvels of his creation. As the hymn writer put it we become “lost in wonder, love and awe.”

However, if one is repressed and out of touch with his/her God-given emotions, it’s a lot more complicated than this.

In much younger days I’d never even heard of the emotion of wonder. The only clue I had that something was missing in my life was that I constantly felt empty inside. On the outside I was living what would be considered a good Christian life but emotionally I felt blah. I recall sharing how I felt with a friend and he, too, felt the same way. Both of us had grown up being taught that feelings weren’t important and that you couldn’t trust them. So, in spite of all we had been taught, we got down on our knees, told God how we felt, and asked him to give us some feelings anyhow.

Whew … be careful how you pray. Very soon after praying that prayer my world fell apart. I won’t bore you with the details but I surely did get feelings back. Early in life I learned to build walls around my heart to protect myself from hurt and negative feelings. However, in hiding my negative feelings I also put walls around my positive feelings and they became buried and repressed too. Unfortunately, as pain is the way into hiding, pain is also the way out. I learned it was only when my pain was greater than my fear that I was able to break through the walls (defenses) that had cut off my feelings.

My recovery didn’t happen overnight by any means and I had many painful experiences to go through, but as a result I am a much healthier, happier, more contented, and more fulfilled person today than I was at half my age.

Let me suggest as a starting point for experiencing wonder that you genuinely pray today’s prayer: “Dear God, thank you that I have been created in your image with the ability to think, to feel, and to choose. Please help me to get in touch with all of my God-given emotions (no matter how painful this may be) so that I can experience the glory of your presence and the marvels of your creation—and therein be lost in wonder, love, and awe. Please grant that my life will become wonder-full. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

P.S. For additional help in this area be sure to read the book, You Can’t Fly With a Broken Wing, by yours truly. Check it out at www.actscom.com/store.

1. Psalm 51:6 (TLB)(NLT).

One of the first rules in a healthy support group is to not confess anybody else’s sins and faults but your own.

I think the following rule (though not likely to ever happen) should apply to every newspaper journalist, radio and TV commentator, and every politician in that they should never be allowed to confess another’s sins publicly without having first confessed their own publicly! This surely would silence a whole lot of negative, nasty, and dishonest criticism.

As Greg Laurie said, “Show me a person who is hyper-critical, and I will show you a person who is guilty of far worse sin in his own life. David was guilty of adultery and of premeditated murder. Yet he thought it perfectly just to kill a man who had merely stolen his neighbor’s sheep. Of all people, King David should have been ‘Mr. Compassion.’ But instead, he was ‘Mr. Hypocrisy.’ He fell neatly into Nathan’s little prophetic trap, as the prophet pointed his finger straight at David and said, ‘You are the man.’”

Here’s another possible pitfall, to quote Cecil Osborne again: “When we are hiding a deeper sin or fault, we tend to confess a lesser one all the more vigorously,” to which I would add, “or we confess someone else’s sins and faults.”

We can’t expect open honesty with many non-Christians but, for those of us who claim to be Christ followers, before we look at the sawdust in another’s eye, let us make sure we get rid of the plank in our own eye.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of having a critical, negative attitude and help me to see that when I do criticize, it has more to do with me than the one whom I am condemning. Please help me to see and get rid of any planks in my eyes. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus in Matthew 7:3 (NIV).

“In 1642 England was caught up in the Civil War with Cromwell and the roundheads. Five years later King Charles the First was captured, tried and sentenced to death. He was executed on January 30, 1649. Fifty-nine men put their signatures to the death warrant.

“When Charles II was restored to the throne some eleven years later, he wanted to avenge his father’s death. However, by that time, some had died and others were living abroad. They were arrested, taken back to England, and ordered to stand trial.

“As for those who had died, the bodies of fifteen signatories, many of whom had been dead for years, were exhumed and then hung on the gallows.”²

That’s exactly what resentment does. It digs up the past. It is caused by nursing grudges and failing to forgive—a practice that God’s Words warns us not to do. This is because buried and/or unresolved anger, hurt, grief, bitterness, etc., work like emotional cancer that “rots the bones,” destroys relationships, and keeps one bound by the past.

As I’ve quoted before, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” No wonder that God’s Word also says, “So get rid of your feelings of hatred [unresolved anger and resentment]. Don’t just pretend to be good.”³

For further help read, “Forgiveness: The Power that Heals” at http://tinyurl.com/btwy7.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of nursing grudges and holding on to all negative emotions so that I can become a happier, healthier person and a clear channel of your love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT).

2. Ivor Bailey, “Digging up the Past,” Encounter magazine (Australia), June/July 2005.

3. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB)(NLT).

Years ago I remember reading a simple but profound statement that Cecil Osborne made. He said, “When we are hiding a deeper sin or fault we tend to confess a lesser sin all the more vigorously.”

For instance, an old friend had been trying to overcome his smoking habit for twenty years without success. He had been judged for this by folk in his church for as many years. He had also confessed his problem endlessly and prayed for deliverance, but no matter what he did, he just couldn’t beat the habit.

When he shared his struggle with me I simply asked him, “Why do you need to smoke?”

He looked at me with a blank look as if to say, “Are you crazy, what are you talking about? I don’t need this problem.”

He then mumbled a few incoherent words, turned around and walked away. He died a few years later of cancer!

My friend’s smoking wasn’t the real problem. It was the fruit of a deeper root. He was confessing the wrong sin. True, his addiction to tobacco was a problem that needed to be resolved, but it was the symptom of a deeper problem that, it seems, he didn’t want to look at, confront and deal with.

The same is true of all addictive behaviors and many of our negative and sinful actions. We need to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves, to at least one safe person who won’t judge or put us down, and to God, and admit and confess not only the symptoms, but also the causes behind them. We may need to ask God to give us the courage to face these causes and lead us to the help, support, and recovery we need to overcome. This is the kind of praying that God hears and answers.

As his Word, the Bible, says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the courage to face, see and resolve any and all causes behind any symptoms in my life—whether they be behavioral, physical, emotional or spiritual. Help me to find a safe, trusted friend to confess these to. And lead me to the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 12:19 (NIV).

2. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

One lady I know has a grown alcoholic daughter in her mid thirties who still lives at home. When the daughter goes out and is too drunk to drive home, guess who goes and picks her up? And when she’s too drunk to go to work and can’t make her car payments, guess who makes the payments for her? You’re right. It’s her mother. So, which of the two is the sickest?

As long as mother keeps rescuing her daughter, the daughter has no need to face her problem and deal with it. Mother is the enabler and is a part of the sickness. Counselors tell us that for every alcoholic there are four co-alcoholic or codependent enablers. These people short-circuit the natural consequences of somebody else’s negative and self-destructive behavior.

As difficult as it may seem, there comes a time, after nothing else has worked, when the enabler needs to let go, stop all rescuing of the problem person, and let them crash. Scary? Yes, but absolutely essential if the person has any hope of recovery.

As a general rule, it’s only when people with major problems hit bottom, that they are likely to come out of denial, admit what they are, and do something about getting into recovery. There’s no guarantee that they will do this, but if we don’t stop rescuing them, it is a surefire guarantee that they will NOT get into recovery. They have no need to. The prodigal son, about whom Jesus taught, came to his senses only when he hit rock bottom. The father let go of him so he could do this. God lets us hit rock bottom, too, so we will come to our senses and turn to him for help.

Is there someone in your life you need to let go of and trust them to God? This won’t be the most popular thing you can do (to put it mildly), but it is the most loving thing.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to support people who are genuinely in need, but not rescue people from the consequences of their self-destructive behaviors. Give me the wisdom to know what I need to do and the courage to do it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV).