It can be hard to believe that King David, the greatest king in Israel’s long history, with all his power, riches and fame, at times felt downcast and depressed. Many, if not most of us, at one time or another go through times of depression. The causes can be varied and many, all the way from the loss of one’s job, the loss of a loved one, the loss of one’s home, the loss of health, by a debilitating accident, or any of a number of losses or negative circumstances. For most of these situations the depression will give way to sunshine as long as one learns how to deal creatively with his or her emotions at these times, and not bury or deny them. Repressed negative emotions can and do cause havoc with one’s life, feelings, physical health and relationships. As John Powell reminds, when we repress our emotions, our stomach keeps score.

However if the depression is long-term, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Such depression is nature’s way of telling us that something is wrong and needs help to overcome and resolve. For instance, if we have stomach pains we need to see a good doctor; if toothache, we need to see a dentist. It’s the same with long-term depression, we need to see a highly qualified counselor. We don’t feel it’s wrong or unchristian to see a medical doctor or a dentist when such is called for, so it’s important that we learn to realize that it is also acceptable when there is a need to see a counselor. It can be very unkind of an insensitive Christian to tell a depressed person that all he or she needs is to trust God more, or have more faith, or even worse, to blame it on a demon (and I’ve seen all of these done).

If you, or a loved one, is struggling with depression, pray first that God will help you find the help you need—preferable from a professional Christian counselor, if any are available in your local area (talk to your family doctor or to your pastor or priest for the name of a qualified Christian counselor in your area). Or if you live in North America, you could call the Narramore Christian Foundation at 1-800-477-5893 and press “1″ for Dianne and she can quite possibly give you the name of a skilled Christian counselor or two in your area. The important thing is to do something about your need today. Putting it off rarely, if ever, resolves such depression.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I have a problem, be it physical, relational, emotional, or spiritual, please give me the courage to share my problem with a safe and trusted friend who will pray for and with me for the help I need to overcome my problem. And if it is a loved one or friend who suffers from depression, please help me to be ‘as Jesus’ to him or her and lovingly share with them their need to seek professional and qualified help. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 119:28 (NKJV).

If I were to give you nine compliments and one criticism, chances are that that one criticism would affect you much more than the nine compliments I gave you. This is because most of us don’t have a perfect self-image. If we did, criticisms would rarely bother or upset us.

Psychologist Dorothy Briggs wisely pointed out that the way we feel about ourselves affects our entire life: our happiness, marriage, work, personal relationships, creativity and stability.

In other words one’s self-concept is the mainspring that steers every child and every person to success or failure as a human being. A healthy self-concept and self-image is therefore one of the greatest gifts we can find for ourselves and pass on to our children.

The self-concept is basically comprised of three parts: (1) The self-image; that is, how we picture or see ourselves; (2) Self-esteem which is how we feel about ourselves; and (3) Self-worth, that is, how much we value ourselves. All of these add up to one’s level of self-acceptance, which is how well we love and accept ourselves in a healthy way. Unfortunately, as long as we don’t love and accept ourselves, it is very difficult to believe and feel that anyone else loves and accepts us.

God’s design for each of us was to learn self-love and acceptance when growing up through unconditional love from our parents. However, if we didn’t receive this then, it is essential that we receive it now. And how do we do this? First, realize that we can only ever feel fully loved and accepted to the degree that we are known. Second, we thus need a loving, safe, and trusted person, group, or counselor with whom we can be totally open and honest confessing all of our weaknesses, failures and sins—as well as our strengths—and be known, loved and accepted for whom we truly are. Third, through such supportive friends and their unconditional love and acceptance, little by little, we learn to love and accept ourselves in a healthy and non-conceited way.

Finally, we also need to learn to love and accept ourselves in the same way that God loves us. He knows us fully and, no matter what we have ever done or failed to do, He loves us unconditionally as we are. At the same time, however, he loves us too much to leave us as we are, because His plan for each of us is that we grow to become whole and mature in every area of life.

To know and experience God’s love, we first need to accept His forgiveness and be sure that we are a true Christian. For help to do this, see the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: www.actsweb.org/christian.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to know and experience your unconditional love, and through your love and that of supportive and trusted friends, learn to love and accept myself in a healthy way. And please use me to be a safe and trusted supportive friend to others who also need to experience your love and develop a healthy self-concept … all for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 12:29-31 (NIV).

Note: For further help see the article, “Developing a Healthy Self-Image” at: https://learning.actsweb.org/articles/article.php?i=123&d=1&c=5&p=1.

A friend shared with me saying, “My husband is a good man in many ways. He’s given me everything a woman would want: a lovely home, a good car, everything to make my life comfortable, plus freedom to do my own thing.”

“You must be really happy then,” I said.

“You’d think so,” she replied, “but I’m not. I feel that Bill has given me everything but himself. I know that he loves me, but when I try to share my feelings with him, he clams up or changes the subject. So how can I tell him how I feel without making him feel threatened? I just wish that we could really talk.”

We men need to realize that closeness and intimacy come from being open and honest, not just with our thoughts, but primarily with our inner self; that is, our emotions/feelings, and open in communicating at this level. So how do we learn to do this?

First, we need to learn how to get in touch with and be connected to our feelings—our inner self—and stop hiding our real self behind defenses such as being a workaholic, a talk-aholic, an intellectual-aholic, or even a religious-aholic, or a perfectionist, and so on. To be close, not only to people, but also to God, it is imperative that we are connected to our inner self. As God’s Word states, “Behold, You [God] desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.”²

Second, we need to bring back the wonder that we had as a small child—one of life’s richest emotions. To do this, take time to smell the roses. Plant a tree. Pick a flower. Take it to your loved one. Write a poem. Listen to music that touches your heart. Draw or paint a picture with your non-dominant hand (it doesn’t even have to be good). Climb a mountain. Let your hair down. Do something a little crazy. Get out of your comfort zone. Have fun. Go see a funny movie. Laugh. Go see a sad movie. Cry. The tragedy is that if we are out of touch with our wonder, we are most likely, instead of loving people and using things, to end up unhappily loving things and using people.

Third, take time to be with your spouse and children or close friends. Hug them often. Tell them that you love them. Take time to talk and even more time to listen to them. Encourage them to tell you what they are feeling. Listen with your heart. Give them your presence; that is, your full attention. And please, as another has said, don’t be cursed with the affliction to give advice when your spouse (or anyone else) is sharing her/his feelings with you! Giving advice where it is neither asked for nor wanted is being what Webster’s Dictionary calls “officious.” It’s also being obnoxious!

Fourth, join a good therapy, support, or twelve-step recovery group where it is safe to share your struggles and express your feelings without being criticized or put down, or given unsolicited advice. This is an excellent way to learn by others’ example and by practicing it yourself.

Fifth, if you feel closed down, you may need to get into counseling. Sharing feelings is something that is learned. If it weren’t learned in childhood, it needs to be learned now. We all need teachers for this.

Finally, pray a prayer such as the following: “Dear God, please help me to see and accept the inner-truth about—and be connected to—my true inner self. And please help me to learn how to communicate openly and honestly with my loved ones and to close friends, and always ‘speak the truth in love’ so that I will become more and more like Christ in every way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15 (NLT).

2. Psalm 51:6 (NKJV).

Dr. S. McMillen told of a patient of his who had an asthma attack whenever he heard a church bell ring. Why was this?

“Several years before, while waiting for his bride to arrive at the church, just as the church bell was ringing, he heard that his fiancée had changed her mind. The emotional shock brought on a severe attack of asthma.

“In the years that followed, every time he heard a church bell, he was seized with an asthma attack.”

This is just one of endless ways in which painful memories can cause sickness, emotional problems, negative reactions, or broken relationships for which inner healing of damaged emotions is needed.

Speaking personally, when I was only five years old, my little sister took sick suddenly and died. I’m sure people meant well and tried to comfort me in my loss by telling me that Jesus took her to be with him in Heaven. Unfortunately that didn’t comfort me because for many, many years every time I said the name of Jesus my stomach would cringe. I could say Jesus Christ, or just Christ, but I couldn’t say Jesus without over-reacting. And, as a small child, this also left me with a deep fear of getting into close relationships because I feared if I loved someone, they would leave me.

So how did I overcome? I wish I could give you a quick-fix-simple answer, but I can’t.

First, I needed to acknowledge my problem and learn why I couldn’t say the name of Jesus without cringing, and also why I was so afraid to love. The biggest challenge was breaking through my defenses, because my fear and damaged emotions were deeply buried. Second, I prayed earnestly that God would face me with the truth of what was the root cause/s of my fear. Third, I also prayed that God would lead me to the therapy help I needed because I knew that if I didn’t resolve my fear, I would keep running from love for the rest of my life. Consequently, I did need a considerable amount of in-depth therapy to resolve and overcome my damaged emotions. However, while breaking through my defenses was very painful, it was well worth it and very freeing.

Finally, and most important of all, I had to genuinely want to be healed and be willing to do everything I needed to do in order to be healed. As Jesus said to the sick man, “Do you want to be made well?”² The fact is, the half-hearted are never willing to pay the price for healing and never make it. We have to want healing with all of our heart.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in all of life’s struggles please confront me with the truth of what I am in any way contributing to the situations I am in, knowing that facing the truth is the beginning point of being healed and set free.³ Thank you, too, for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

2. John 5:6 (NIV).

3. John 8:32.

For additional help, read the article, “Overcoming Damaged Emotions” at: www.actsweb.org/articles/article.php?i=72&d=1&c=4&p=1, also “Forgiveness, the Power That Heals,” online at: www.actsweb.org/articles/article.php?i=1&d=1&c=4&p=1.

I also encourage you to listen to the CD message, “Healing, Wholeness and Happiness,” by yours truly. This can be purchased online at: http://actscom.com/store/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=16. Also read the book, “You Can’t Fly With a Broken Wing” at: http://actscom.com/store/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=14.

For counseling resources see: www.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php.

One medical doctor I read about claims that, of all the patients who come to him saying they need help, approximately 25 percent don’t want to get well at all. Others just want sympathy. Some don’t even want to live. About 50 percent want the doctor to fix them. They would rather he operate on their body, than they operate on their lifestyle. Only 20 to 25 percent accept responsibility for their own recovery and well-being.

A large Christian counseling organization did a mini-survey with their counselors. They came up with the same percentages. One quarter of their clients didn’t want to get well. Approximately half expected the counselor to fix them. And only one out of four accepted responsibility for their recovery. The reality is that a counselor can’t fix anybody. They can only help a person see what the cause of their difficulty is and guide them to work through and resolve it.

When it comes to being overweight, for example, many of us say we want to weigh less than we do. However, most of us don’t eat anything we don’t want to eat. Thus we get confused between a wish and a want. Unless we have a biological problem, many of us wish we weighed less but don’t want to badly enough to do what it takes to lose weight.

Only when we truly want to overcome our problems and be made whole—and accept responsibility to do what we need to do to make it happen—will we. As Jesus asked, “Do you want to be made whole?”

Suggested Prayer; “Dear God, please give me the want and the will to be made whole, and with your help do what I need to do to in order to be made whole. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6.

Change. It can be very threatening.

Sometimes we unconsciously choose to become ineffective, irrelevant, or even die rather than change. It happens with individuals, marriages, businesses, organizations, and unfortunately with some churches. Even the “church” people of Christ’s day who were looking for and expecting the promised Messiah didn’t accept him when he came because he didn’t come the way they expected him to come, nor did he do what they wanted or expected him to do (that is, overthrow the oppressing Roman rule). Consequently, they rejected Christ, the Messiah, and clung to their irrelevant religious traditions.

Traditions and rituals are effective as long as they are relevant. While truth never changes, times change as do the needs of people, so when our traditions are no longer relevant, we need to be open to change; that is, creative and productive change—not just change for change’s sake, or simply to be so-called “politically correct” which, more often than not, is an oxymoron if ever there was one.

The same principle applies to my personal and family life. If I want to see change, instead of doing more of the same—which many of us tend to do when what we are doing isn’t working—I need to make some creative and relevant changes.

As the saying goes, “Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, give me the insight to accept traditions that are relevant; the courage to change the ones that aren’t, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 1:11.

A reader writes, “I’ve been receiving Daily Encounter devotions for a number of years and very much appreciate their practical application of the gospel and Christian message. I was discussing with a friend the reverse question from a recent Daily Encounter—not whether God is codependent but whether we are codependent on God. Can you please address this issue?”

Someone facetiously said that as long as there are tests/exams for school children, there will always be prayer in the schools. I can attest to that fact—at least when I was in college. Many a time when I felt I was inadequately prepared for a test, I prayed like crazy for God’s help. In fact, a roommate was so worried about my flunking one important exam, he had several students pray for me. When I passed and got a better grade than he did, he was not happy with me. So, did my friends’ prayers have any effect? Only if they helped calm my mind so I could better remember the answers I already knew because of the study I had done. Had I not studied at all, then God wouldn’t have helped me.

I think some of us act towards God as if he were codependent. But God isn’t codependent. Never was. Never will be. If he allowed us to be codependent on him, he would be keeping us immature and irresponsible. If I hadn’t done any study for the exam just mentioned, I would have deserved to have failed and God would have let me!

Sometimes we approach God as if he were a “giant father Christmas in the sky” expecting him to grant our every whim and wish. Or as John Powell put it: “Some people treat God as if he were a Giant Bayer Aspirin (pain-killer pill)—take God three times a day and you won’t feel any pain!” God doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t jump through our hoops. His goal for each of us is that we grow up, mature and act responsibly in every area of life. God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves (that’s why he sent Jesus to die for our sins), but he will not do for us what we can and are quite capable of doing for ourselves.

As today’s scripture says, “Long to grow up into the fullness of your salvation.” And a vital part of growing up is acting responsibly and not expecting God or anybody else to do for us what we can and need to do for ourselves.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see and understand what I need to be and do to grow up into the fullness of your salvation, and act responsibly in every area of my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 2:2 (TLB)(NLT).

A Daily Encounter reader writes, “Please address mental illness and please tell us that we are not demon possessed.”

True, there is a demonic world and while I have never personally seen anyone who was demon possessed, I have certainly seen quite a few people who were mentally ill. In fact, there is mental illness in my family background.

I have a relative who is Bipolar who, when a teenager, was told by some well-meaning but ill-informed Christians that his problem was a demon. This caused him to become more depressed. Besides being totally false, what these people said and did was incredibly insensitive and cruel.

I have a friend in her thirties who also suffers badly from Bipolar disorder. Sadly she believes that because she has this problem, she can’t be a Christian. Besides being totally false, this is terribly sad and while her illness isn’t caused by a demon or demon possession, what she believes is the kind of lie that Satan wants people to believe.

Before another friend was diagnosed as schizophrenic, she was tormented for several years by hallucinations of an ugly, evil face. Some thought this was demonic, but it turned out to be the long-forgotten haunting memory of her great-grandfather who sexually abused her as a young child, and threatened to kill her with a large farmer’s knife if she ever told anyone. Her mental illness was not caused by a demon, but the sexual abuse certainly was demonic, evil behavior, and certainly didn’t help her mental condition.

I am not a psychiatrist and don’t pretend to understand what mental illness is or what causes it, but it is my understanding that Bipolar, for instance, is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and many, if not most, of these people can live very productive lives providing they stay on their medication.

While demon possession is real in some cases, in other cases some mental illness can look like demon possession. However, mental illness itself is not demon possession any more that appendicitis is. Mentally ill people need our acceptance, support, and understanding just as much as (and perhaps even more than) those who are physically ill.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me an understanding heart so that I will not be judgmental of those who are mentally ill, but rather, help me to be as Jesus to these people and accept them as you do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 17:14-15, 18 (NIV).

Yesterday we discussed how to overcome real guilt by confessing what we have done wrong both to God and to at least one trusted person and, where possible, to the one whom we have hurt or wronged. When we do this, real guilt goes.

However, if having done the above and I still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt. With false guilt I can confess it all day long, but the “guilty” feeling will never go away because it isn’t guilt.

False guilt is a conditioned response that is more often than not learned in childhood. If, for example, I had super-strict parents and lived up to their every expectation, did everything the way they wanted it done, and even believed the same as they believed and so on, they would give me their love and approval. If, on the other hand, I didn’t conform to their every expectation (be they realistic or not), they would withdraw their love and approval, and would make me feel guilty. That’s false guilt. In other words, this kind of parental love is conditional, but conditional love isn’t love at all. It’s a means of controlling others.

Immature parents aren’t the only ones that use false guilt to control others. Legalistic churches and religious groups are notorious for doing this. This keeps their followers in bondage, hinders their growth in maturity, and stops their depending on God’s Spirit to direct them.

False guilt can also be the result of being a perfectionist or having perfectionistic tendencies. When one doesn’t live up to his unrealistic expectations of himself, like his parents of old, he sends himself on a false guilt trip.

So how do we overcome false guilt? I wish I had a simple answer, but I don’t. Nor do I have a magic wand to make the problem vanish. Resolving false guilt requires a reprogramming of one’s thinking as well as his/her emotional responses. One’s “guilty self-image” in large part was programmed in the past by failing to conform to and living up to somebody else’s unrealistic expectations of him or her.

Reprogramming is achieved over time by developing a guilt-free healthy self-image based on who one IS—and NOT on what he/she did or didn’t do. As I let a trusted friend or counselor see the real me—warts and all—and as he/she loves and accepts me as I am, little by little I learn to love and accept myself in the same way that God loves and accepts me. This takes courageous honesty, a commitment to recovery, and perseverance. God’s Word, the Bible, provides the essential key for this healing: “Therefore confess your sins [and faults] one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see when I am experiencing false guilt; help me to understand the root cause of it; and please help me to find a safe, accepting friend or counselor to whom I can confess my struggles, and who will help me on the pathway to recovery. And when my guilt is real, please give me the courage to admit and confess the cause of this guilt, not only to you, but also to a trusted friend or counselor—and where needed to the one I may have sinned against. Thank you for your forgiveness, and for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

“How can I get rid of this terrible guilt?” a distraught father recently asked me. “I have been in a terrible conflict with one of my sons for many years. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated with him that I said to myself, ‘I wish he would die.’ That night he died.”

This father is blaming himself for the death of his son. In his mind he is convinced that Satan killed him because of his wish.

I can understand why this father is distraught. However, the fact is, he didn’t cause his son to die. His son had been very ill for some time and died of natural causes. If Satan had anything to do with this matter, it was sowing the lie in the father’s mind about the devil killing his son. What the father is struggling with is not real guilt but false guilt.

One of the difficulties regarding guilt is learning to tell the difference between real guilt and false guilt. Because they pretty much feel the same, it can be challenging to sort out the real from the false.

Some counselors claim that all guilt is psychologically damaging, but this is nonsense. If we don’t feel guilty when we do wrong, we’d be a bunch of psychopaths with dead consciences. It’s false guilt that is psychologically damaging because it keeps people in endless bondage not because of what they did, but because of their faulty thinking.

To resolve real guilt, for our spiritual wellbeing we need to admit what we have done wrong, confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. When we do this God forgives us. He promised he would.² For our mental wellbeing we also need to confess our wrongdoing to at least one trusted friend or counselor, and wherever possible ask the one we wronged for their forgiveness, and seek to make amends for what we have done. And then, regardless of whether this person forgives us or not, God has forgiven us and we need to forgive ourselves. When we genuinely do this, we experience the relief that David experienced when he confessed his sin with Bathsheba.

However, if having done all of this and we still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is a totally different matter.

Continued tomorrow in Part II….

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always admit and confess my sins so I can be forgiven and therein resolve my feelings of guilt, and please help me to overcome the sins that so easily beset me. When I experience false guilt, help me to see it for what it is and get the help I need to overcome it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:2-5 (NLT).

2. 1 John 1:9.