“The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”¹

I’ve worked with hurting people and taught in divorce recovery groups for a number of years. If you asked me what I thought might be the number one problem in so many of these situations, I would say, “Denial. And the second is like unto it—playing the blame game.”

Over and over I hear people say with variation on the theme: “My husband did this. My wife did that.” “And what did you contribute to the breakup of your marriage?” I ask. “Nothing … my spouse did such-and-such. He was such a jerk.” “And why were you attracted to such a jerk?” I ask! “Have you ever been attracted to other jerks?” Silence …!

No matter what struggle we are in, we are always contributing something. I’ve seen husbands berating and blaming their wives for their marriage problems when in reality they were very angry at their mother and were taking it out on their wife. I’ve seen wives do the same thing when they are really mad at either their father or some other significant male who hurt them deeply in the past.

Many spouses are angry about something in their past. Others are too “nice, weak and/or passive” (codependent). Others are over-dependent and smother their partner. But do they see their problem and the contribution to the situation they are in? Many, if most, don’t. Far too many of us are in denial about our own deficiencies. The reason denial is so deadly is because, as a Daily Encounter subscriber described it: “Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying.”

Deniers are avoiders of personal responsibility. They tend also to be blamers. And as I have said many times, if I play the blame game, I will “b-lame”—and will never get well. Only as we acknowledge the truth and reality of what we are contributing to our problems, will we ever have any hope of recovery and becoming well. The reality is that the only person I can ever change is me, and as I change, others are almost forced to change in relationship to me in one way or another. This is not always for the best, however, as some people simply cannot stand or handle our change. To get well this is the risk we need to take.

The only people counselors—and even God—can help are those who willingly admit: “I have a problem. I need help.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in every conflict or difficult situation I am in, please give me the courage to see and acknowledge anything that I might be contributing to the mess I am in and lead me to the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

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King David wrote in the Psalms, “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”¹

A very popular pop-psychology book written back in the late sixties was Thomas Harris’ I’m OK- You’re OK. There’s been some suggested other titles such as, “I’m Not OK and You’re No OK but That’s OK,” and not surprising in our culture a more sarcastic one, “I’m OK – You’re an Idiot.”

In Anthony De Mello’s book, Awareness, he says, “People tell you, ‘I think you’re very charming,’ so I feel OK. I get a positive stroke [and that boosts my ego and I feel great for the moment]. I’m going to write a book someday and the title will be, I’m a Donkey, You’re a Donkey. That’s the most liberating, wonderful thing in the world, when you openly admit you’re a donkey. It’s wonderful. When people tell me, ‘You’re wrong.’ I say, ‘What can you expect of a donkey?’”² (De Mello did use a different word for donkey.)

Now, before you write me off as rattling off in psychobabble, understand what Fr. De Mello was saying; that is, we need to get real and admit what we truly are. This is not a put-down in any way, but only as we see ourselves the same as God sees us are we free to change and become all that God envisioned for us to be. Actually, until we admit what we truly are and accept ourselves as we are—warts and all—we are not free to change and grow because we just hide behind a false mask living in denial–a self-defeating and deadly way to live.

As King David declared in today’s Scripture, how joyful he became when he came out of denial, lived in complete honesty, and confessed his sins and received God’s forgiveness. All his guilt was gone! A great and joyous way to live.

Remember that while God loves me as I am, he loves me too much to leave me as I am. He wants me to grow up into the fullness of my salvation and become all that he envisioned for me to be.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of denial and give me the courage to see myself as you see me–and accept myself as you accept me—so I am free, with your help, to become all that you planned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:1-5 (NLT).
2. Anthony De Mello, Awareness,
http://www.demello.org/.

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“We love Him [God] because He first loved us.”¹

Jim was standing in line at the supermarket checkout when, to his amazement, in charged an angry, aggressive man, with his browbeaten wife in tow, pushing in line ahead of Jim and several other customers. With a forty pound (twenty-kilogram) sack of flour slung over his shoulder. Handing his wife some money, he growled: “Here, you pay for the stuff.” He then proceeded to stomp off with his bag of flour.

Unknown to him, there was a hole in the back of the flour bag. As he stormed out of the supermarket, he left behind a trail of white flour all the way to his car. As Jim walked out of the store, he noticed that the angry man had just discovered his now half-empty sack of flour. Poetic justice one might suggest!

What makes people like this man so obnoxious? Among other possibilities, he undoubtedly has a very poor self-image. The bottom line is that these people don’t feel loved. That’s why his wife was such a wimp, too. People who strongly dislike themselves tend to either become weak, passive and over-compliant and withdraw, or project their self-hatred onto the people around them by being aggressive and bullying. Because they don’t like themselves, they believe others don’t like them either and set themselves up to be rejected.

To overcome a poor self-image and the lack of a healthy sense of self-acceptance doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, commitment, and risk taking.

More often than not insecurity and a poor self-image has its roots in early childhood where one didn’t receive or feel that he received unconditional love. But here’s the challenge: What we didn’t receive in childhood we need to receive now.

And how do we do that? It’s simple but not easy. It’s based on a biblical principle in that, “We love God because He first loved us.” In other words (spiritually speaking) we learned to love God through his love for us in that he knows us fully—warts and all—and loves us regardless … unconditionally.

The same principle applies emotionally. To truly love others we need to be first loved by at least one safe, understanding, and non-judgmental person. To be loved by that person we need to be fully known by him or her—warts and all—and knowing us as we truly are, they love us unconditionally anyhow. It is through their unconditional love for us that we learn (in time) to love and accept ourselves in a healthy way.

Like I said, it is simple but not easy in that it can be very scary because we fear that if we are fully know for whom we really are, we may not be liked and then rejected. However, it is only as we take the risk and step out of our comfort zone that we have any chance of learning how to fully love and accept ourselves in a healthy way. The more we do this the more we will improve our self-image, and consequently, the less we will get our feelings hurt and the easier it will be to deal with whatever setbacks come our way. We may still get our feelings hurt but we won’t be devastated.

For further help in “Developing a Healthy Self-Image” visit: http://tinyurl.com/af5hf

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, I thank you that you know me fully as I am and love me unconditionally. Please help me to find a safe person to whom I can become fully known and loved and learn to love and accept myself in the same way that you love and accept me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 14:19 (NKJV).

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“So get rid of your feelings of hatred [anger/ resentment]. Don’t just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty.”¹ Also, “If you are angry [resentful], don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the Devil.”²

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “How do you find release from resentment?”

First, admit exactly how you feel. Realize, too, that feelings are amoral; that is in and of themselves they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. It’s what we do with them (and the cause of them) that is either right or wrong—creative or destructive.

Second, also realize that resentment is often a result of jealousy and anger. For instance, a jealous person is very often angry at either the person who received a promotion or some gift, recognition, or benefit he or she felt they were more deserving of and angry at the one who did the giving or gave the promotion.

Third, recognize that jealousy is often a byproduct of one’s insecurity and poor self-image. (We will address this issue in tomorrow’s Daily Encounter).

Fourth, to resolve resentment it is imperative that one resolves his or her anger. For help to do this read, “Taming Your Anger” at: http://tinyurl.com/b439f

Finally, one needs to fully forgive the one they feel has hurt them—whether the hurt is justified or not (often it isn’t). However, without resolving one’s hurt and anger, it is virtually impossible to forgive the one you feel has hurt you. After the hurt and anger are resolved, forgiveness becomes a simple choice—we either choose to forgive or choose to hang on to our hurt, anger and resentment.

As Loren Fischer so wisely said, “The difference between holding on to a hurt [resentment] or releasing it with forgiveness is the difference between laying your head at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals.” And as another put it, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I am feeling resentful, please help me to see the causes behind my resentment—be it insecurity, jealousy, hurt and/or anger—and find the help I need to deal with and resolve these issues so I will always freely forgive all who have hurt me as you have freely forgiven me for all of my sins. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

For further help read “Forgiveness: The Power That Heals” at: http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3 and for resolving anger read, “Taming Your Anger” at: Taming Your Anger at: http://tinyurl.com/b439f

1. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB).
2. Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB).

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“So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech.”¹ “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”²

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “For some unknown reason I have many times felt jealousy over other people receiving things. I always ask Satan to get behind me when this happens but he always returns. I have prayed numerous times for deliverance and forgiveness. How can I overcome this sense of being jealous?”

Hello June (name changed), jealousy is almost always the symptom of a deeper problem; that is, “the fruit of a deeper root.” It is almost always the result of our own sense of insecurity and/or feelings of inferiority. As a general rule, the more secure we feel within ourselves, the less likely we are to have a problem with jealousy.

In other words, to overcome jealousy we need to overcome our feelings of insecurity. To help you do this I suggest your read the article, “Developing a Healthy Self-Image” at: http://tinyurl.com/af5hf.

Second, as I often say, it is important to learn how to pray the right prayer. That is, admit to God that you have a problem with jealousy and instead of asking him to simply deliver you from your jealousy, ask him to help you see the real cause of your jealousy and help you to find the help you need to overcome this problem. For further help read, “How to Pray Effectively” at: http://tinyurl.com/kb62w.

Third, realize that while Satan always wants to defeat us, he doesn’t cause our jealousy. That’s our problem and responsibility. However, keep in mind as the Apostle pointed out in Ephesians, when we fail to resolve our anger, we give Satan a foothold. The same is true with jealousy (and other problems). When you resolve the cause of your jealousy, Satan loses his foothold and as such you take away his power to tempt and defeat you in this area.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, with all my problems help me to see the real cause/s behind these, and find the help I need to overcome them so I will take away any and all footholds in my life that leave me open for Satan to tempt me in these areas. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 2:1 (NLT).
2. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT).

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“For God did not send his Son [Jesus] into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”¹

Shame is similar to false guilt in that it is caused largely by someone who “shamed us” especially when we were young. That is, whenever we did something wrong, we got the message (verbal or non-verbal), “Shame on you.” “You are a bad person.” “You are a disappointment to me!” “I am so ashamed of you,” etc., etc.

Such criticisms are psychologically damaging. As the old saying goes, “Give a dog a name and he will live up to it.” People will too—especially if a person was constantly ridiculed, put down and shamed as a child.

True guilt says you have DONE badly but shame says you ARE bad. If a person comes to believe that he or she is a bad person, s/he will act badly. In real life we don’t always act consistently with what we profess, but we always act consistently with what we believe. So if we believe we are a bad person, that’s the way we will act.

When disciplining our children and confronting another person who has acted “badly,” we need to “condemn” the deed NOT the person! Example: “I love you but what you have done [name it] makes me feel angry and/or very disappointed.”

We need God’s help so we will learn to treat others the way God treats us. While he hates our sin because it destroys those whom he loves (us), he loves the sinner and doesn’t condemn or shame us. Shame and false guilt never come from God. They are man-induced.

Fortunately with God, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”² When we confess our sins to God and ask for his forgiveness, and ask God’s Son, Jesus Christ, to come into our heart and life as personal Lord and Savior, God forgives us fully and loves us totally. Again, false guilt and shame never come from God.

“Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you love me no matter what I have ever done or failed to do. Please forgive all my sins and, Lord Jesus, please come into my heart and life to be my personal Lord and Savior. Please help me to forgive myself and overcome all false guilt and shame and help me never to shame others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: If you prayed and asked God for forgiveness and asked Jesus to come into your heart and life, please let us know by going to: http://tinyurl.com/pgntm. If you need further help, click on: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

1. Jesus (John 3:17, NIV).
2. The Apostle Paul (Romans 8:1).

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“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”¹

John was one of the most affluent men to ever come to me for counseling. He was a very successful medical practitioner but his practice had slipped badly and his second wife was about to leave him. He had just about everything he wanted that money could buy but was one of the most miserable men I had ever met. His world had almost fallen apart.

For the entire hour in that first session I sat listening to him berate his wife. On and on he went. Finally I said, “That’s not your problem.”

“What do you mean, it’s not my problem?” He angrily asked.

“Come back next week and we’ll talk about it,” I said.

The same thing happened the next week, and the next, and the next. Finally he got it. It wasn’t his wife that he was so angry at. It was his mother and he was projecting all his pent-up anger toward her onto his wife. Only as he faced the root cause of his problem was he able to resolve it.

Why didn’t I tell him sooner what his real problem was? Because he needed to see it for himself and could only do that when he was ready to quit the blame- game and face the unresolved anger in himself.

Many of our problems, especially relational ones, are the fruit of a deeper root—a symptom of a deeper problem. All we see is the symptom or what counselors call the ”presenting problem.” If we focus only on the symptom, we tend to reinforce it. While we don’t ignore the symptoms, we need to face and deal with the root cause/s so we can resolve the root problem and therein free us from the symptoms.

And what happened to John, our doctor friend? His marriage was saved, his practice was saved, and his wife became a counselor.

As Jesus said, “You will know [experience] the truth and the truth will set you free.” Or to put it another way, as long as there is any area in my life where I am not free then to that degree I am into denial; that is, there is some truth about me that I am not seeing and/or facing.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, here are the symptoms in my life [name them]. If these are caused by something in my life that I haven’t faced and resolved, please give me the courage to see this and the will to do what I need to do to resolve it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus (John 8:32).

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Jesus asked, “Do you want to be made whole/well?”¹

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly around frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won’t even try to escape. Somehow they have been conditioned “to feel and believe” that there is no escape. They just keep circling in the cramped jar.

Many people are like this. Somewhere in their past, through a frightening and/or traumatic experience, such as being raped, sexually, physically, or emotionally abused or rejected as a child, they have been conditioned to believe at an unconscious level that they, too, are trapped and that there is no way out of their dilemma. And they end up going in circles with their life and/or relationships.

To be freed from this endless cycle of defeat, those of us who have been abused need the healing touch of God—and want it with all of our heart. As a general rule God uses other people to bring this healing. It begins with acknowledging our problem (often best detected by the symptoms we experience), genuinely wanting to be healed, being willing to face the agony of confronting these painful memories and damaged emotions, and getting the help we need (qualified counseling is often needed). Most important of all, start with praying the right prayer such as the following:

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you care about my pain and where I have been hurt in my past. In many ways my life is in chaos and I have failed miserably in my closest relationships. Please give me the courage to face any and all painful memories, connect to them and bring them to the light for your healing. Please lead me to the help I need whatever that may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6.

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"So get rid of your feelings of hatred [malice]. Don’t just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty and jealousy and talking about others behind their backs … put away all evil, deception, envy and fraud. Long to grow into the fullness of your salvation" (1 Peter 2:1-2, TLB).

In answering the question on how to build a healthy self-concept we have said that first we need to be real; that is to be truly honest with our self. Second, to be real we need to be connected to our dark side so that we are aware of and in touch with those areas in our life that we would be embarrassed for others to see. This brings us to our next point.

Third, we learn self-love. As the Bible teaches, we love God because he first loved us.¹ While this can be very difficult and threatening to grasp, we love other people and ourselves in exactly the same way. That is, we need someone to first love us because love is a skill to be learned.

If I didn’t feel loved or sufficiently loved as a child, it’s not likely that I will feel loved as an adult. To overcome, I need somebody to love me first. As I get connected to my dark side and share all these wounded parts of me with at least one or two safe people, as they love and accept me as I am-warts and all, little by little I learn to love and accept myself. (Safe people are those who know me and still love me and will not reject, judge, or try to fix or change me when I share my real self with them.)

Fourth, it is imperative that I resolve any and all unresolved feelings of hatred (stored up anger) and all other repressed negative emotions. As the Bible says, "Get rid of your feelings of hatred and don’t just pretend to be good." We don’t get rid of these damaging emotions by repressing and denying them. They need to be brought out into the open and resolved in healthy ways. Repressed they are destructive to healthy living, healthy relationships, and to having a healthy self-concept.

Fifth, I need to live in harmony with healthy moral and ethical values based on God’s standards, and maintain clearly defined boundaries-that is, ensure that I live by my values and don’t allow boundary-busters to violate my personal boundaries. When I live this way, I feel good about myself. And when I don’t, I don’t feel good about myself!

Sixth, it is also imperative that I forgive all whom I feel have hurt or offended me. Failing to forgive keeps me bound to my past and trapped by my unresolved negative feelings.

Seventh, the ultimate in self-love and acceptance is to feel connected to God and know/experience his love and affirmation at the very core of my being. This begins by confessing our dark side and our sins to God, asking for his forgiveness and accepting his Son, Jesus Christ, into my heart and life as personal Lord and Savior. And then, as we take the above steps to improve our self-concept and reach out and love other people, more and more we experience God’s love. As God’s Word says, "If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us."²

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to resolve all my negative emotions and attitudes, forgive all who have hurt me, live in harmony with your will, grow up into the fullness of my salvation so that I will develop a God-honoring healthy self-concept and be a clear channel for your love to flow through to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen."

1. I John 4:19; 2. I John 4:12.

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"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" (Romans 12:3, NIV).

A healthy self-concept is central to one’s success in life. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Their self is a gift from God, but their self-concept is pretty much in our hands. However, if we parents fail to love and accept ourselves in a healthy sense, we cannot help our children develop a healthy self-concept because we cannot give what we don’t have. Furthermore, without a healthy self-concept we become our own worst enemy.

While God’s Word says we are not to think too highly of ourselves, it doesn’t mean that we are to think too lowly of ourselves and have a poor self-image or a bad self-concept. We need to see and accept ourselves as God sees and accepts us which will give us a very healthy-self concept. So how then can we overcome a poor self-concept and/or make a good self-concept better?

First, we need to be real. Many of us are afraid that if we are known as we really are, we won’t be liked, so we pretend to be something we are not. People may like the mask or the false front or happy face we wear, but this will never make us feel loved because what they like is not the real us. We can only be loved to the degree that we allow ourselves to be known for who we are.

Second, to be real I need to be connected to my dark side which is the side of me that is hidden, often from my self as well as from others. It is that part of me that I am ashamed of or feel embarrassed or guilty about-often a major cause of why I don’t like or reject myself.

The dark side may or may not be anything that I have done that is bad. It can be parts of me that were rejected when I was small, or it maybe where somebody has done something hurtful to me somewhere in my past. For instance, if somebody consistently put me down when I was a child and made fun of my ears or anything else-and I buried those hurtful feelings-I need to get in touch with that pain and express it to a loving friend or counselor to have that side of me accepted.

Or, if I was rejected or abused either physically, emotionally, or sexually in any way, that experience also needs to be brought into the light and the pain and anger resolved before I can fully love and accept myself. In fact, all painful memories and unresolved feelings of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hurt or grief need to be brought into the open and resolved so I can be freed from my past and forgive those who have hurt me. Unresolved, these supercharged, repressed negative emotions are barriers that stop me fully loving myself and others.

To be concluded …

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to see myself as you see me and love and accept myself as you love and accept me so I will become a healthier, more contented and loving person. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen."

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