Category Archives: Recovery

Confessing the Wrong Sin

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“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”1

Counselor Cecil Osborne pointed out, “When we are hiding a deeper sin or fault we often confess a lesser one all the more vigorously.”

For instance, a friend of mine had been trying to overcome his smoking habit for 20 years without success. He had been judged for this by folk in his church for as many years. When he shared his struggle with me, I simply asked, “Why do you need to smoke?”

He looked at me with a blank stare as if to say, “Are you crazy, what are you talking about? I don’t need to smoke!” He then mumbled a few incoherent words, turned around, and walked away. He died a few years later of cancer!

What I was trying to get him to see was that his smoking wasn’t the real problem. It was the presenting problem or the symptom—the fruit of a deeper root! He was confessing the wrong sin. True, his addiction to tobacco was a problem but it was the symptom of a deeper problem which he apparently didn’t want to look at.

The same is true of all addictions and many of our negative and destructive behaviors. To overcome these we need to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves, with God and with at least one trusted friend or counselor. Yes we need to acknowledge the symptoms but ask God to reveal to us the truth about the causes behind the symptoms. We may also need to ask God to give us the courage to see these causes since most of us, because of the fear of facing the unknown, don’t want to see them.

Admitting and praying about the truth is the kind of prayer that God loves to hear and always answers. As his Word says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”2

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be willing not only to admit and confess my addictions and sins, but also face me with the truth about any deeper, hidden sins and faults that may be causing me to act out in self–destructive behaviors. And lead me to the help I need to overcome and resolve these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:1-5 (NIV).
2. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

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Perfectionism

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“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”1 And “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.”2

A Daily Encounter reader wants to know about perfectionism and asks, “Is it healthy and mature, or is it a sickness and a form of immaturity?”

Perfectionism is a compulsive behavior where one is under bondage seeking to gain approval from others and to prove to him or herself that he/she is a good/perfect person. It comes mostly from early childhood training and, unfortunately, from some churches where people are taught that they can achieve sinless perfection. This is a heavy and impossible burden for anyone to carry. As John said, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”3

The fact is that we—including Christians—live in and are a part of this broken, sinful and imperfect world, and will not be freed from our sin nature and imperfections until we go to heaven. And while the Bible encourages us to always do our best, it never implies perfection this side of eternity. In fact, where the Bible says, “Be perfect,” the word can be equally translated “complete” or “mature.” What God wants is that we grow towards completeness (wholeness) and maturity and that we learn to be satisfied when we know we have done our best.

Perfectionists are not born. They are made. For instance, say Johnnie gets five A’s in his school exams and one B, what does his mother and/or father say? “How come you didn’t get all A’s?” And this is the way Johnnie grows up. No matter what he does and how well he does it, it is never quite good enough. He can never please his parent/s and forever drives himself in a vain attempt to win their approval. Our society tends to confirm the teaching that our worth depends on our performance—by getting good grades, being a great athlete, getting promoted at work, by being physically attractive, and so on.

As an adult he still feels that what he does is still never quite good enough. When he projects this attitude on to others, he can ruin his relationships, as his wife and kids can never please him. He feels that same way towards God—that he can never please him either. So he lives in a constant state of inner turmoil and can be very difficult to live with.

So what can he do to overcome this bondage?

First, he needs to acknowledge the fact that he learned this negative mind conditioning—and admit that it is neurotic. It is only as he admits this can even God help him to overcome. While this conditioning was not his fault, it is imperative that he accepts full responsibility for what he now becomes and not stay stuck by playing the blame–game. To blame others and/or say, “This is the way I am,” is often a handy excuse not to grow up.

Second, with God’s help and the help of a trusted friend and/or counselor he will need to reprogram his feelings to learn that he doesn’t have to be perfect or do anything to be loved and accepted just as he is—the way God loves and accepts us all. In time (and it does take considerable time), when loved and accepted unconditionally, he can learn that his worth as a person is never dependent on his performance, but on the fact that he is who he is and not what he does. In doing so, he can also learn to grasp the fact that God loves and accepts him for who he is and that he doesn’t have to keep striving to be perfect and earn love and acceptance.

To reprogram his feelings will be extremely liberating from a life of compulsion and bondage. As Jesus said, “You will know [experience] the truth and the truth will set you free.”4

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to acknowledge all of my weaknesses and bring them to you and to safe people for healing and deliverance. Help me to know at a very deep level that I am loved and accepted by you and others for who I am and that my worth as a person is never dependent on my performance. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:48 (NIV).
2. Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV).
3. 1 John 1:8 (NIV).
4. John 8:32 (NIV).

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Letting Go

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“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”1

One lady I know has a grown alcoholic daughter in her mid–thirties who still lives with her mother. When the daughter goes out and is too drunk to drive home, guess who goes and picks her up? And when she’s too drunk to go to work and can’t make her car payment, guess who makes it? You’re right. It’s mother. So, which of the two is the sickest?

As long as mother keeps rescuing her daughter, the daughter has no need to face her problem and deal with it. Mother is the enabler. Counselors tell us that for every alcoholic there are four co–alcoholics or codependent enablers. These people short–circuit the natural consequences of the alcoholics’ negative, self–destructive behavior.

As difficult as it may seem, there comes a time after nothing else has worked, when the enabler needs to let go and stop their rescuing behavior, which is a part of the sickness and reinforces the problem.

Usually it is only when people with major problems hit bottom that they are likely to come out of denial, admit what they are, and do something about it. There’s no guarantee that they will do this, but if we don’t stop rescuing them, it is a sure–fire guarantee that they won’t get into recovery, as they have no need to. The prodigal son that Jesus taught about came to his senses only when he hit rock bottom. The father let go of him so he could do this. God also lets us hit rock bottom too, so we will come to our senses, acknowledge our sickness, and get into recovery.

Is there someone in your life that you need to let go of, get out of the way, and stop rescuing and enabling, and entrust them to God? This act of tough love won’t be well received (to put it mildly), but it is the most and only loving thing to do.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, wherever I need to exercise tough love, help me to see my destructive actions, and give me the courage to let go of the person/s I am enabling, and let them crash—and trust them to you with the prayer that they will come to their senses and get into recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV).

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Resolving Conflict Creatively, Part I

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“But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.”1

I recall hearing a preacher of a large church, when celebrating his twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, declaring that he and his wife had never had a conflict. Chances are that one of the partners had become a doormat or a “peace at any price” person. About the only other way to live without ever having an argument or conflict is to become a hermit.

Wherever there are people, there will always be conflict at one time or another. When handled creatively, conflict can lead not only to resolution but also to personal growth. What we need to do is learn how to fight fair, to disagree agreeably, and to “fight” like a Christian.

So how do we do this?

First and foremost is to always strive to speak the truth in love. Remember that grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. We, too, need to precede truth with grace; that is, to always give loving, gracious acceptance. Unless we do this, the other person will not likely feel safe to share their truth. And without the sharing of truth, there is no connection and there is no resolution of conflict.

Second, listen…listen…listen—not only with our ears, but much more so with the heart. We need to hear what the other person is saying—not just what we think they are saying. This is because we all interpret messages through our own lenses, for “we see things not as they are, but as we are.” And the more dishonest we are with our own inner-self (feelings), the more our seeing and hearing “lenses” are distorted and the more we will twist messages to make them match our perception of reality. For instance, if we are insecure or don’t like ourselves, we will read into what others say to put ourselves down.

(To be continued.)

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be gracious in conflict situations, to always speak the truth in love, and be much more willing to listen before I speak. Help me to hear what the other person is saying regardless of their words and to handle conflict in a Christ-like manner. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15 (NASB).

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The Fruit of a Deeper Root

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“People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.”1

Problems. Nobody is immune from committing sins. However, often the problems we see are not the problems that are! For instance, a problem, whether it is emotional, spiritual or physical, is often the symptom of a deeper problem; that is, “the fruit of a deeper root.” The root cause may be an unresolved emotional, spiritual or moral problem which can express itself in any one of a number of ways such as the following: relational conflicts, worry, stress, anxiety, insomnia, depression, addictions, spiritual dryness, physical sickness, abuse, etc., etc.

Many physical symptoms can be symbolic. For example, ulcers may be caused not so much by what we eat but by what is eating us. Tension headaches can be caused by “jamming up” anger in our head. Aching shoulders may be caused by our feeling that we are burdened by a heavy load. And if I have a pain in the neck, I may….

Confession opens the door for recovery: not only from the symptoms but also from the causes.

After David confessed his sin, he said, “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”2

A good example to follow.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, here’s the symptom/s (be specific_____________name it/them) in my life. I acknowledge these to you. Please give me the courage to face the cause/s of these and lead me to the help I need to resolve them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (NLT).
2. Psalm 32:1-5 (NLT).

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The Empty Promise of Promiscuity

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Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”1

“Recently I’ve become promiscuous,” began 20-year-old Ellen’s sad email. “I’ve been boy crazy for as long as I can remember. My father left my life when I was twelve. My mom worked long hours and had little time for my brother and me after our parents divorced. I don’t understand why I feel I can’t function without a significant other in my life. I had a baby when I was 16, married at 17, and now I’m 20 and divorced. I’m searching for a ‘soul mate’ and I’m in love with the idea of love. It’s ruining my morals and my values. I feel empty. Can you help?”

The above message was sent to a counselor friend of mine, Dr. Bruce Narramore. Tragically, situations like this in today’s permissive society are far too common where so many lonely people seek to fill the empty void and hunger in their heart with false substitutes such as meaningless sex and empty relationships—both of which serve only to increase their sense of despair.

Bruce said, “I encouraged Ellen to seek help to gain an understanding of some of the causes of her problems. I pointed out how the void left by losing her dad and mom programmed her to feel an unusually deep need for human connection which was probably the driving force behind her promiscuity and excessive need for a man in her life. I also told her she could never fill the void coming from those childhood losses through a sexual relationship or even through marriage. We can’t fill childhood voids with adult relationships. That is like pouring water through sand. The water is temporarily cooling but soon vanishes. If Ellen doesn’t reverse this pattern, she will go through life trying to find the parents she lost through one tragic relationship after another.

“Ironically, not until Ellen becomes emotionally and spiritually strong enough to live without a man will she be ready for a healthy relationship. At that point she will be a mature adult ready for an adult relationship, rather than an emotional child searching for a lost daddy. And she will no longer ‘be in love with the idea of love’ which is simply a childish fantasy. Instead, she will be ready to love and be loved by a real person.”2

Fortunately, Ellen admitted that she had a problem and needed help. She did seek counseling to help her resolve her childhood losses. We trust that she is now well on the road to recovery and ready for healthy relationships. Ellen’s situation is a reminder to all who have unresolved losses that they also need to resolve their losses so they can get off the endless merry-go-round of seeking to fill the empty void in their heart by looking for love in all the wrong faces and places and by trying to fill their void with “things” instead of healthy relationships.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to admit to any unhealthy relationships and/or behaviors in my life, see the cause/s of these, and find the help I need to overcome so that I will grow in maturity and learn to fully live and fully love so my life will be a clean channel through which your love can flow to others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus name, amen.”

1. Matthew 11:28 (NIV).
2. Narramore, Bruce, Project Letter of the Narramore Christian Foundation.

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How Can You Forgive Abusive Parents?

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“Forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us.”1

MT writes, “I have a problem which I would appreciate your help with because I don’t know what to do anymore. People tell me that I’m too nice because I let people push me around a lot. But my biggest issue is that I can’t forgive my parents. I have this hatred toward them that I can’t explain. I repeatedly try to make peace with them but they never want to help me back. My relationship with them is very difficult. My main concern is how can I get rid of this sour feeling I have for them?”

When we have been hurt—especially by parents—it can be very difficult to forgive them. However, if we don’t forgive them, we end up hurting ourselves even more because our inner resentment eats away at us physically, emotionally and spiritually. As someone has said, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

So how can you forgive your parents? First, it is impossible to forgive anyone until we first resolve our hurt and our anger. Unresolved, they block forgiveness. However, once they are resolved, the door is open for forgiveness, which becomes a choice.

Second, I would strongly advise that you seek professional counseling to help you resolve your hurt and anger so you will be able to forgive your parents.

Third, forgiving them doesn’t mean that you allow them to continue to hurt you, so you need to exercise tough love and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself. Let them know, lovingly but firmly, that if they continue to treat you in a hurtful manner, you will need to distance yourself from them.

Fourth, realize, too, that people who are being “too nice” aren’t really being nice. They are being weak because they are afraid to stand up for themselves. So you need to work on this problem too so that you will be able to establish healthy boundaries. You will probably need counseling to help you in this area too. You can’t change your parents, but with God’s help and the help of capable counseling you can change you, and in so doing this will change your life.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to resolve any negative emotions that may in any way be affecting my relationships as well as my physical and spiritual health. Help me to resolve every impaired relationship and freely forgive all who have ever hurt me as you so freely forgive me when I ask for it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus name, amen.”

For additional help read the following articles:

“Taming Your Anger” at: http://tinyurl.com/b439f
“Boundaries” at” http://tinyurl.com/2x9a6u
“Developing a Healthy Self-Image” at: http://tinyurl.com/af5hf
“Forgiveness: The Power That Heals” at: http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3

1. Matthew 6:12 (TLB).

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A Compulsive Need to Rescue

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“For each one shall bear his own *load.”1

A Daily Encounter reader writes, “My friend Jane (name changed) is broken-hearted. Her boyfriend of four years broke up with her and the guy still keeps in touch with her. She still loves him so much. Jane is now so much pained especially that the guy told her he impregnated his current girlfriend. She feels very much responsible for him. Until now she still feels responsible for him and blames herself for letting him go astray and of not being strong enough for him. How can I help her get out of being in that state?”

Here is another example of co-dependency which is when someone takes on the responsibility for someone else. This of course isn’t love. It’s need. That is, one needs to feel needed (rescue others) in order to feel okay about themselves. One would ask, “How in the world could Jane be responsible for a man making another woman pregnant?” Boggles the mind! But that’s not the way the codependent sees it. They don’t see it as a Messiah complex.

The codependent’s problem is just as real as the problem of the one they are seeking to rescue. As long as they are doing this, they don’t have to face their own issues. This is like seeing the holes in the other person’s head but unable to see the matching bumps in their own head!

Among other things, the codependent is always seeking to short circuit the natural consequences of somebody else’s negative behavior. Only as the codependent gets out of the way and allows the problem person to face the consequences of his/her self-destructive behavior, does this person have a chance of facing reality and getting the help they need to get well. There’s no guarantee that they will, but as long as we keep rescuing them, that’s almost a guarantee that they won’t get well.

So for all we rescuers (of whom I was the “chief of sinners”), we need to face and accept our problem and get the help we need to get well. Codependency can look like it is Christian, but it isn’t. It is also stopping people from becoming dependent on God by keeping them dependent on us. It’s a sickness from which we need healing and deliverance.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in any and all areas where I may be being codependent, please help me to see, admit, and confess it. And please lead me to the help I need to be made well and whole. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:5 (NKJV).

*NOTE: The word ”load” in today’s Scripture denotes a load that one is quite capable of carrying him/herself.

See article on “Overcoming Codependency” at: http://tinyurl.com/8p4t6

Melody Beatie’s books, Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency are also helpful reading.

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The Law of the Garbage Truck

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Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven …. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”1

Mike Benson asks, “How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood?

“Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? The mark of a successful [mature] person is how quickly he/she can get back his/her focus on what’s important.

“I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car’s back end by just inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly.

“So, I said, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital.’ And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’ He said, ‘Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.’

“I started thinking, how often do I let garbage trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, ‘I’m not going to do it anymore.’”2

However, as many of us know, that’s easier said than done. When we overreact to people who “dump their garbage” on us, we need to realize that what the other person does is his or her problem—but to the degree that we overreact that is our problem. To react in a Christ-like manner, it is imperative that we resolve our “garbage.” If we don’t, we will be forever allowing others to control our moods and trigger our unresolved problems. For help in “Taming Your Anger [garbage]” go to: http://tinyurl.com/b439f

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to recognize whenever I overreact to what others do to me and to resolve my problem so that I will, with your help, always respond to others (no matter what they do) in a loving and Christ-like manner. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:43-44; 46-47 (NIV).
2. Mike Benson, KneEmail. To subscribe, send a blank email to: kneemail-subscribe@welovegod.org

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Well, Well, Well

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“When Jesus noticed him [an invalid] lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time [thirty-eight years, in fact] in that condition, He said to him, ‘Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?]‘”1

I have a friend who had polio when she was a child and was left with a physical handicap. Many had prayed for her healing but she was never healed. Well-meaning but insensitive Christians told her she didn’t have enough faith, or gave some other lame excuse. It left her feeling insecure for many years until she realized that God doesn’t heal everybody. I don’t know why. In this life we all suffer from ailments from time to time. Some people get healed and some don’t.

Having said this, I believe that many of us could be much healthier if we lived in harmony with biblical principles. In Old Testament times (before modern medicine) Jewish people were instructed by God not to eat certain foods. This was because these foods were disease riddled. In New Testament times God’s Word gives us two key principles for the healing of at least some sicknesses.

First, Jesus said to the invalid, “Do you want to become well?” Modern medicine has shown that those who truly want to get well are the ones most likely to do so. They take responsibility for their recovery even though it means a radical change of lifestyle. In other words, we need to want to get well badly enough that we will do whatever we can in order to get well.

I had another friend who had tried to quit smoking for years. He had been criticized for it and preached at about it. Nothing worked. He came to me hoping I might be able to help. After he shared his struggle with me I quietly asked, “Why do you need to smoke?” He gave me THE LOOK … mumbled a few incoherent words, turned around and walked away. I think Jim (not his real name) was looking for a quick fix to overcome his addiction and save his life. He didn’t want to look at possible causes … and died of lung cancer not too long after.

Second, many ills—not all by any means—or diseases are caused either by—or greatly aggravated by—unresolved personal issues that cause dis-ease. For example, the first symptom of super-charged repressed hostility might be death by heart attack. It is also well known that stress can be a killer. Stress can be caused by any number of pressures—some of which we may have no control over but many of which we do. For instance, unresolved guilt, illicit sex, being unfaithful in marriage, dishonesty in business, impaired relationships, etc., etc., can all cause big-time stress, which in turn causes dis-ease, and even early death.

The answer for healing of dis-ease caused by these stressors is also found in the Bible. It’s simple, though not easy: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”2

Speaking personally, as I’ve shared before, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and in my twenties suffered from painful bursitis in both shoulders and with wretched hay fever. When I found myself in a broken marriage and got into therapy, I discovered that I had an awful lot of buried grief and anger from childhood days—emotions that I had buried and was in denial about; but when I faced, confessed and expressed these “sins of the spirit” and resolved them, I was healed of both bursitis and hay fever.

God’s principles are not meant to take away our freedom but to give us freedom from many ills and problems. It’s our choice as to what we do about them. Do we really want to get well, or do we just wish to do so?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that in your Word, the Bible, you give dynamic principles for wholesome living. Give me a hunger to know what your Word teaches and the good sense to live in harmony with your will so that I will be made well. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6 (AB).
2. James 5:16 (NIV).

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