Phil, a businessman, has gone bankrupt twice. As a result, he and Janet, his wife, have lost two homes. Both times, Janet worked hard to pay off their debts and rescue Phil.

Phil had also been involved in an extramarital affair for several years. When Janet found out about this, she was hurt terribly, but when Phil said how sorry he was, assured Janet how much he loved her, and promised that he would never see the other woman again, Janet forgave him and took him back.

Later, Phil told Janet he had found work in another city and would be away for several weeks. He was gone for more than two months. Phil wrote and told Janet how much he missed her and that she was the only woman in his life, but he didn’t send her any support. Again, Janet was left with the responsibility of paying all the bills.

Some time after he returned, Janet discovered that Phil had been away with the other woman!

Kym is married to a transvestite. “I knew John was this way before I married him,” Kym told me, “but I believed if I loved him, I could change him. But it isn’t working. When he dresses like a woman and wants me to make love to him this way, I feel sick in my stomach. My counselor has advised me to accept him as he is. What should I do?”

Exactly what should Janet and Kym and others in similar or related situations do? What is the Christian thing to do?

First, they need to understand the nature of their problem. True, Phil and John have serious problems, but Janet and Kym also have problems of their own. They are both codependent and have a lack of healthy boundaries.

Codependency applies to the caretakers of any over-dependent person—such as any kind of addict or irresponsible person, and doing for these people what they can and need to do for themselves.

To resolve their problem, codependents need, first of all, to admit their sickness, for only as we face the truth about ourselves, as Jesus put it, will we ever begin to overcome our problems and find freedom and happiness.

To be continued … Click HERE for Part II

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in every problem or challenging situation I am in, please confront me with the reality of what I am contributing to the problem and lead me to the help I need to resolve this. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:32 (NIV).

In my younger days I sincerely wanted to obey God and do his will but was confused about how to know his will.

I went through a time when I felt that the “little voice inside my head” was God speaking to me, which I interpreted as a conviction. But I was wrong. It was a compulsion.

Admittedly, it can be tricky to discern between a conviction and a compulsion. I like to compare the difference between the two like that of comparing lust to love. Lust can look like love, smell like love, and feel like love—but is a world apart from love. Love can wait. Lust can’t. Love gives. Lust takes. Love is an energizer and a motivator of persons. Lust is a deceiver and a destroyer of persons.

And so it is with compulsions; they can be from within ourselves, or from the tempter. For instance, if the devil knows he can’t pull us down into a life of sin, illicit sex, alcohol and the like, he will try and push us over the top and, as the old saying goes, we become so heavenly minded we are of no earthly use.

Whether from the devil or our own self, compulsions are deceptive and destructive—and are never from God—ever. For “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty”²—always. But where the spirit of compulsion is, there is bondage. A conviction is where you are drawn to follow and you always have the freedom not to do so. With a compulsion, you are driven and feel compelled to do so—it’s that little voice inside your head that says, “You’ve got to do it. You’ve got to do it. You’ve got to do it—or something bad will happen if you don’t.” Taken to an extreme, as it is for those who suffer from the mental illness, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), it can drive a person—and those whom they live with—“crazy.”

Because of compulsions, some Christians do some crazy things in the name of the Lord. True, sometimes God wants some people to do unusual things, but never weird things. For instance, in younger days, had the “little voice in my head” told me to stand on my head, I would have felt compelled to do it. I doubt if I would have done it, but would have felt guilty if I didn’t. We need to remember that God’s Word says, “Let all things be done decently and in order.”³ That’s wise advice to follow. God has also given us a head as well as a heart, and we need to use both.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the insight to know the difference between a conviction and a compulsion, the wisdom to reject compulsions, and the courage to follow convictions that come from your Spirit. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Corinthians 3:17 (NASB).

2. Ibid (NASB).

3. 1 Corinthians 14:40 (NKJV).

Business professors Gary Hamel and C.K. Prahalad wrote about an experiment with four monkeys. In their cage was placed a pole with a bunch of bananas suspended at the top. When one of the monkeys climbed the pole, just as he reached out to grasp hold of a banana, he was doused with a torrent of cold water. Squealing, he quickly scampered down the pole. The same thing happened to the three other monkeys. After several more attempts, they abandoned all hope of reaching the bananas.

The researchers then replaced one of the monkeys with another monkey, and as soon as the newcomer monkey began to climb the pole, the other three monkeys pulled him away. After several more attempts, he too gave up. A second one of the four original monkeys was replaced and the same thing happened to him. He, too, was pulled away from the pole when he attempted to climb it. In time all four of the original monkeys were replaced … none of whom dared climb the pole even though they never knew why and had never been doused with cold water.²

False fears, which may have had validity at one time but are no longer valid, are not only taught and learned by monkeys, but also by people. Such fears can be learned through an early traumatic experience—or learned from a parent—and be firmly programmed into our unconscious mind, and hold us back from becoming and doing all that God envisioned for us to be and do. For some people, irrational fears can be crippling. Only as we see and know the truth can we begin to be set free.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to confront all of my fears and see them for what they are. Help me to overcome them and be set free to become and do all that you planned for me to be and do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

For help be sure to read the article, “Conquering Fear,” at: http://tinyurl.com/rhlho

1. John 8:32 (NIV).

2. From Failing Forward, by John C. Maxwell. Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Years ago when I was doing a counselor training course, one of the instructors made the statement, “Whatever bothers you is your problem!”

“Hmmm,” I thought to myself, “that’s an interesting concept—never thought of that before.”

At the time I was going through a rough situation personally and was in despair about it. During the course of the training, I explained to my counselor about my predicament and he said, “That must make you angry.”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just hurt.” And he left me with the thought, “That must make you angry!”

Shortly after that I went for a long walk, thinking about, “That must make you angry.” Then the truth hit me like a bolt of lighting! “Whew,” I admitted to myself, “I am angry—very angry!”

I was never able to change the person whom I felt had rejected and hurt me so badly, but I was able to change me, and come to terms with my feelings (which I had learned to bury and deny at an early age), and resolve them. It also helped me to deal with the anger I had towards my father from whom I had been estranged for many years and resolve that impaired relationship. Fortunately, I was able to do this a few months before he died. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

What others do to me may or may not be a problem, but how I react and feel is always my responsibility. However, to the degree that I overreact, that is always my problem.

It is true; whatever bothers me is my problem. This can be a hard pill to swallow, but until we accept this reality, we will continue to blame others for our feelings and possibly never resolve our hurts/anger or impaired relationships.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the people in my life whom you have used to confront me with truth and reality. They have been angels in disguise. Help me to always recognize them as such and use their insights to help me become a better, healthier, and more loving and accepting person. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 18:13 (KJV).

In June of 1987 workers on a building site in London hit a cast iron pipe when using a pile driver. After digging out the buried pipe—and dropping it—they realized it looked suspiciously like a bomb.

It was! It turned out to be a 2,200 pound bomb from World War II—one of the largest the Germans used during the blitz which killed 15,000 Londoners. The area was evacuated and a bomb disposal unit took 18 hours to disarm it.

Unresolved buried emotions such as anger, hatred, unforgiveness, resentment, shame, guilt, and grief can be like buried bombs and can be easily triggered and detonated. No wonder Paul advised us to never sleep on our anger and Peter said to get rid of such feelings. To do this we need to get them out in the open and defuse them by expressing them in a safe place … in a creative way … to a trusted friend or counselor … or write them out as David often did in the Psalms. The important thing is to get them out and off our chest and not bottle them up inside.

To heal negative emotions we need to feel them. To resolve them we need to relive them. That is, we need to bring back painful memories from past hurtful experiences to conscious memory so we can get them out in the open where they can be expressed and resolved. Bottling up feelings, like burying old bombs, is a very dangerous course to follow.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your Word, the Bible, which gives practical instructions for creative and healthy living. Please help me to follow your instructions and face any buried negative emotional “bombs” in my life, and help me to resolve them creatively so I won’t explode onto other people. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:26 (TLB), [NLT].

NOTE: See the article, “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings,” at: http://tinyurl.com/3jceny

I remember years ago a friend talking about some people being “cursed with the affliction to give advice.” At the time it sure sounded strange as I had no idea what he meant. Now I understand.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, people “offering … unwanted [unsolicited] advice or services” are officious. They can also be obnoxious. Unwanted or unsolicited advice can be a put-down and can be a thinly veiled criticism.

I’m not talking about going to a lawyer, an accountant, a car mechanic, or whatever, where we need and ask for professional advice. What I’m talking about is when we share our struggles and feelings with a friend and they have a compulsion to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do. They are putting us down in that they assume that they know the answer to our situation and needs better than we know them ourselves.

Other people have a compulsion to tell you simple things like how to shine your shoes … how to sweep the floor … and how to do a myriad of other things that are obvious to all, assuming that you aren’t as knowledgeable or as smart as they are. They treat adults like a mother treats a small child! As the saying goes, “they come on parent.” They also make people angry.

Even when some people want advice in their personal life, it is a much wiser not to give it, but to help them see what their options are and determine their own solutions. As long as I “come on parent” to others, advising them what they should or shouldn’t do, it may inflate my weak ego and make me feel important (falsely so), but it keeps others over-dependent on me and immature. It can also play the part of God and the Holy Spirit in other people’s lives!

A good counselor doesn’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t do. He/she helps his/her clients to face reality (to see the truth … first about themselves and then about the situation they are in) and decide for themselves what they need to do.

What I want from a friend when I am feeling in the pits, is someone to listen to me with their heart, to give me their presence, and accept me as I am—and in so doing communicate to me that they care. On such occasions I don’t want or need advice, unsolicited or otherwise.

In other words I want friends who rejoice with me when I rejoice and weep with me when I weep. If you have such friends, cherish them forever. They are rare jewels.

Suggested prayer, “Thank you God and Jesus that you are friends of sinners such as I. Help me to be such a friend to others. Help me not to give advice but always and in all ways be as Jesus to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:15 (NKJV).

According to Chuck Colson in BreakPoint, “When Edward Bello committed his most recent crime, he expected to go to prison. Instead, the judge sentenced him to nine months with no television. He said he wanted ‘to create a condition of silent introspection’ in order to induce Bello to change his behavior.

“Belo’s lawyers were outraged. They appealed on the grounds that making Bello keep his seven TV sets turned off is ‘cruel and unusual punishment’—and thus violates the Constitution.”²

Can you believe it? Astounding! What has our society become? Not watching television is supposed to be “cruel and unusual punishment!”

While television is an incredible means of communication and does have some very uplifting, educational, and inspiring programs, you have to search to find them as most of the programming glorifies illicit sex, violence, instant gratification, easy divorce and no end of trash. Even some of the religious programming with its glitz, glitter and phony spirituality is incredibly embarrassing!

At times (in the U.S.A.) it is “Turn off TV Week,” and it’s probably a good idea to turn your TV off for the week, but it’s much more critical always to guard what we watch and what we allow our children to watch. This is because constant repetition of any type of programming programs the unconscious mind and one’s belief system. For example, if I constantly watch illicit sex, I will gradually come to accept it and then believe that it is acceptable, and so believing sets me up to act it out! That’s how so much wretched and irresponsible TV is helping to shape the beliefs, practices, and the ever-decaying morals of our society.

Even Jesus said that if your eye offends you, better to pluck it out. In other words, we need to be very careful what we watch and allow our minds to meditate on. For if we meditate (let our minds dwell on) good, we will act accordingly, and if we meditate on sin and evil, we will also act accordingly. Let us never forget that what the mind dwells on, the body acts on! And as David said to God, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.”³

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your Word, the Bible that gives me instructions not only for life after life, but also for how to live life to the fullest in the here and now. Please give me the desire to meditate on your Word and thereby program it into my unconscious belief system so that I will always live in harmony with your will. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 4:8 (NKJV).
2. Chuck Colson, BreakPoint, April 19,2002 http://www.breakpoint.org
3. Psalm 119:11 (NIV).

Yesterday we talked about fears that cause us to lack trust. Today I want to share how I faced and overcame my deeply buried fear (terror) and learned to trust and love again. (To read yesterday’s Daily Encounter, go to www.actsweb.org and click on Encounter Archives in the left column). Today we want to discuss how to overcome fear/s and learn how to trust.

First, I acknowledged the fact that my fear was my problem. Had I blamed anyone else for it, I would have lost the greatest human love I’ve ever known.

Second, I was determined that, with God’s help, I wouldn’t allow my fear to control me. And, by the way, if we don’t acknowledge our fear and “own” it, it will control us one way or another—usually unconsciously, such as being very angry and defensive when we are afraid, setting ourselves up to fail, looking for love in the wrong places, and avoiding many good opportunities, etc., etc.

Third, I asked God to help me get to the root cause/s of my fear and lead me to the help I needed to overcome it. Every day I committed and trusted my life and way to God, and I often quoted the psalm of David who, when King Saul was hunting him down to kill him, said, “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

Fourth, I shared my struggles with my closest friends whom I knew wouldn’t tell me to just “get over it” or tell me that I wasn’t trusting God or offer various other bits of over-simplistic, insensitive and useless, unsolicited advice.

Fifth, I got into two years of very intensive counseling with in-depth therapy. It wasn’t easy (in fact it was very challenging), but with God’s help, the professional counseling, and the loving support of understanding friends, I made it just fine.

Because I never learned to trust as a child, I had to learn it as an adult. As I stepped out of my comfort zone, admitted my problem to God, to supporting friends, and a helpful counselor, and found that they loved and accepted me anyhow, little by little I learned to trust and love.

Fears are real. I know. The apostle Paul did too, otherwise why would God have sent an angel to him when he was in prison to tell him to “fear not?” He knew he wasn’t going to get out alive and was undoubtedly scared to death even though he was also trusting God.

According to one Bible scholar, there are 350 “fear nots” in the Bible—one for every day of the year. Obviously God understands our struggle with fear and lack of trust.

I think it was General George Washington who said to his soldiers when they had to cross the Potomac River with their rifles and battle gear in hand, “Trust God but keep your powder dry!” In other words, acknowledge and own your fears. Trust God and accept responsibility and seek the help you need to overcome them. The only people that God or anyone else can help are those who admit and say, “I have a problem. I need help.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you understand me and my fears (and all my weaknesses). Please give me the courage to see and admit my fears, and lead me to the help I need to overcome them so that I can learn to trust and love again. And in the words of another, ‘Oh God, don’t let me die without having fully lived and fully loved.’ Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 118:6 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “Will you please write a daily on trust?”

Lack of trust is caused by fear. And fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Some fears are healthy. Others are crippling. We rightly fear driving through a red traffic light or driving down the freeway—the wrong way. Major fears and seemingly unfounded ones almost always have their roots in a past fearful experience.

I used to be terrified of public speaking and this, according to what I have read, is a common fear. I was scared to death that when I got up to speak, I’d run out of things to say and make a fool of myself. This was heightened because of my insecurity. In younger days it took me several years to get up enough courage to ask for a date because I was afraid of rejection—another common fear.

An even bigger fear for me was being afraid to love. “How could this be?” you ask. “How could anyone be afraid of the very thing we all need the most?”

The love I was afraid of was not that of friends, but the love between a man and a woman. I was usually attracted to gals who weren’t interested in me (romantically that is). This kept me safe. And as long as I was just a good friend with the woman who is now my wife, I was fine and felt safe. But once Joy started loving me, I freaked out—big time! I panicked a blue streak and wanted to run for my life.

Fortunately I knew it was my problem. But had I not thought so highly of Joy, I would have run from love—again. I also knew that if I didn’t get help to overcome my fear, I could spend the rest of my life running from love. It took me a long time to see this.

My fear of love and inability to trust had deep roots in early childhood. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had an absentee father (emotionally speaking) and never felt that he loved me. My mother set me up to be the “little husband” in the family and I felt over-leaned on and smothered. And I also had an aunt that killed her own baby and apparently attempted to kill, or at least hurt, me when I was a baby. (She committed suicide.) I also lost a little sister to whom I was very much attached. She died when I was only five. So in my childish mind I had come to believe that if you love me, you will leave me, reject me, smother me, or you may even try to kill me.

This deeply buried fear I brought unconsciously into my adult life and spent most of my life running from love. It was this fear that got triggered when Joy started loving me. (By way of interest, some years ago a psychological test showed that I had a buried terror. At the time, I had no idea what it was.)

Many adults who were abused, abandoned, neglected, or felt rejected in childhood also struggle with similar or related debilitating fears.

So you ask, “How did I overcome? How did I learn to trust?”

To be continued…

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, ‘I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made,’ and I thank you that no one understands me like you do. Please help me to understand myself and the causes behind some of the irrational things I sometimes do. Help me to admit and face all of my fears and bring them to you for your healing, and guide me to the help I need to overcome them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV).

One reason we don’t get some prayers answered is because we are praying the wrong prayer. Not necessarily because of a wrong motive, but because we focus our prayer on the symptom and not on the cause of the problem or illness.

There’s a well-known hymn that says, “O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” We could also sing, “O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not pray the right prayer.”

For example, if I have a stomach ulcer or a headache, I tend to ask God to heal my ulcer or my headache. This is what I mean by focusing our prayer on the symptom. While some ulcers have a biological cause, some are caused not by what I eat but by what is eating me, and then what I eat aggravates the problem. I’ve never had an ulcer and rarely have a headache, but when I do have a headache, it’s usually because I am either mad about something or am under a lot of stress.

If I am going to ask God for healing, I need to admit not only the symptom, but also ask him to give me the insight to see, and the courage to face, anything in my life that is causing my illness, and then ask him for the help to resolve it.

It is unrealistic to ask God to heal my symptoms if I fail to face and deal with the causes. If he did, he would be irresponsible. It is possible, however, to exchange one symptom for another because if we don’t deal with the cause of our problem, in time it will come out another way—probably a worse way.

I recall hearing one man claim that the moment he became a Christian, God delivered him from his alcoholism. He may have quit his drinking but it was rather obvious that he was now (or still) a rage-aholic, which quite possibly was a cause behind his alcoholism.

This principle applies not only to physical ills but to many other problems as well. I learned this lesson the hard way. After many years trying to resolve a frustrating situation I was in, I begged God to give me the courage to face the truth of what I was contributing to the problem. Within two weeks I saw what an enabler I had been for so long. Once I saw the truth, I knew exactly what I needed to do, which in the doing resolved my part of the problem.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, with every problem, illness, conflict, and challenge I face, help me to pray the right prayer and see any cause behind my sickness or problem and what I am contributing to my situation. Help me to resolve whatever cause there might be so that I will clear the way for your deliverance, healing, and freedom. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 4:2-3 (NIV).