No, no, no, no, no!

God is not like that. He is not a “punishing” father like some earthly fathers—perhaps even like your father was when you were little. God is much bigger than that. It’s we ourselves who punish ourselves.

Quitting smoking, or any addiction—small or large—is not likely to happen by giving a promise to anyone, God included. The root cause of the addiction is the symptom of a deeper problem—also used as a means of avoiding the real issue. As the saying goes, symptoms are the fruit of a deeper root. Also, as another has said, “God is merciful, when we have unresolved problems, he gives us (or allows us to have) symptoms!”

Sure, it’s important not to neglect dealing with the symptom but God wants to heal us at the deeper lever, at the root cause of our problem. Symptoms need to be a wakeup call for us to get the help we need.

So, first of all, pray the right prayer. If you are struggling with an addiction or a bad habit, ask God to give you the insight and courage to see the cause/s behind the habit … why you started it in the first place. Also, is it an escape from facing some unresolved issue in your life? Ask God to confront you with the truth behind your problem—the root cause—no matter how painful this may be.

Second, ask God to lead you to the help you need to overcome, which may be both medical and psychological-counseling help, and to help you find a support, twelve-step, or an overcomers anonymous group—whatever it takes to help you overcome your problem so it will no longer overcome you.

And remember, if you confess your failure to God and ask for his forgiveness, he will always forgive, forgive, and forgive. Remember that Jesus said we were to forgive seventy-times-seven which mean forgiving without end. That’s the way God forgives us. This is not an excuse to behave as we like but an expression of God’s love when we genuinely want his help and deliverance.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that symptoms are often a sign of unresolved personal problems. About my bad habit of ________ (name it), if this is the fruit of a deeper root, please give me the insight to see the cause/s, the courage to confront it and admit it to you and at least one other trusting person, and the good sense to get the help I need to overcome it. And please lead me to the help I need so to do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (AMP).

To me there is no more beautiful picture of God’s unconditional, non-judgmental, non-shame-based, yet non-condoning love than in the example where the religious people brought the woman caught in the act of adultery to Jesus (as seen in today’s Scripture passage).

In those days the penalty for adultery was death by stoning—a terrifying situation for this woman to be in. But for the life of me I can’t even begin to imagine how a woman could be caught alone in the act of adultery! This was because this occasion was a setup to trap Jesus—and the “accusation stones” hidden in the accusers’ pockets were to throw at Jesus rather than at the adulterous woman!

“The Law of Moses says,” these jealous religious guilt-throwing-shame-based-hypocrites said to Jesus, “that this woman must be stoned to death. What do you say?” No matter what he answered, they believed they had him trapped and would find him guilty. If he said she should be stoned to death, they could accuse him of having no mercy. If he said she should not be stoned to death, they could accuse him of breaking the Law of Moses.

Jesus’ answer was brilliant, “Yes,” he said, “the Law of Moses says she should be stoned to death. So go head and kill her!” But before they had a chance to move a finger, Jesus added, “And let the man who has never sinned be the first one to cast a stone!”

Thud! The silence was deafening as one by one those religious bigots, like frightened, guilt-ridden puppy dogs tucked their religious tails between their legs and slinked away as quickly as they could.

Jesus then asked the woman, “Where are your accusers now?” To which she replied, “They’ve all gone, Lord” Then Jesus made a profound statement, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”

Not always of course, but some people commit adultery (and/or fornication) because they are looking for love in all the wrong places. Chances are that this woman was loved and accepted by a man (Jesus) for the first time in her life—loved for whom she was and not for what she had to offer lustful men. Jesus’ acceptance of her and his giving her total unconditional love would free her from a life of sin. This is why Jesus could say to her, “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more, or go and leave your life of sin.” Notice, he did not condone her sinful behavior, but neither did he condemn her. Again, it was Jesus’ unconditional love that would set her free from her sinful behavior.

God is never about condemning us, making us feel guilty, or making us feel ashamed. It’s people who do that to us—including some religious people. God wants to forgive us and set us free from a life of sin. So we, too, need to come to Jesus and receive his unconditional, non-judgmental, and non-condoning love. It’s there for “Whosever will may come.”

1. John 8:8-11 (NKJV).

Listen to the angry tone of voice as the parent blurts out: “You bad boy! If you don’t stop your noise, I will take you outside and .…” If they are getting this kind of treatment in public, you can imagine what they are receiving at home: “You terrible girl…shame on you…you wicked, bad person .…”

When a child receives a continual dose of any shame-based accusations, he eventually believes that that is the kind of person he is and continues to feel this way throughout his adult life unless he gets the help he needs to resolve his damaged self-concept.

Another terribly shame-based group of people are those who have been physically and, especially, sexually abused in childhood or youth. Sex, to many of them, has become a dirty, repulsive thing and because they have sexual feelings, they often feel dirty and ashamed of themselves. This is such a tragedy because they never sinned but were grievously sinned against.

So how do we overcome a shame-based self-concept?

First, continually remind yourself that God loves you just as you are and that he has totally forgiven all your sins that you have confessed to him. Keep reminding yourself of this—regardless of how you feel. This kind of repetition helps re-program your faulty belief system. Many a time when I was feeling shame-based, I said over and over to myself, “God loves and accepts me as I am so I love and accept me as I am.” This kind of repetition (with feeling) programs truth (or lies) into our deeper mind and belief system.

Second, realize that we were damaged in damaging relationships and get healed in healing relationships. So, with God’s help, seek out a trusted friend (a skilled counselor if necessary) with whom you can trust your very soul. Little by little start to open up to this person and share all your shame-based feelings and all your failures. This needs to be with a non-judgmental, non-advice-giving-wanting-to-fix-you person. It needs to be someone who knows you fully and accepts you totally. Through their loving acceptance of you just as you are, little by little you learn to love and accept yourself. This does take time.

I know this can be threatening because many of us feel that if we are known for whom we truly are, we won’t be liked, let alone loved. But this is a false belief. The fact is we can only be loved to the degree that we are known. But again, it is very important that we never open up to a shame-based, judgmental person.

Third, realize, too, that love is a feeling to be learned. When we are born, we have the capacity to love, but how to love is learned. If we grow up in an angry environment, we will learn to be angry or, if in a fearful environment, we will learn to be fearful. But if we grow up in a loving environment, we will learn to be loving. We love by first being loved. Unfortunately, what we didn’t receive as a child, we need to receive now. That’s the way God created us and he doesn’t go against his own design.

As the Bible says, “We love God because he first loved us.” The same principle applies to people—we love others because someone needs to first love us.” And, as already noted, as we open up and are totally honest to a safe, non-judgmental loving person, little by little learn to love ourselves in a healthy sense. This then frees us to work on overcoming our failures. As long as we hide our sins and faults, we are never free resolve them.

Remember the words of David who sinned grievously: “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”²

We too can find the same freedom from guilt…false-guilt…and shame.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you again that you know me exactly as I am inside and out…and love me still. Lead me to the help I need so I can learn to love and accept myself the same way and be freed from all my guilt and shame. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:5 (NLT).

2. Ibid.

Because the feelings of false guilt (and shame) have been conditioned over many years, we don’t undo or re-condition them overnight.

First, however, we need to recognize what is real guilt and godly sorrow, and what is false guilt. As Jesus pointed out, when we are his true followers we will know the truth, and the truth will set us free.

When someone is using false guilt; that is, trying to manipulate us to feel guilty if we don’t do what they want us to do, we need to recognize their game and refuse to allow them to control us—regardless of how we feel. It will take a while to master this and you will probably begin to feel angry at that person and yourself for letting yourself be controlled. However, the more you resist this kind of control, the stronger you will become and the better you will feel about yourself.

A good response to “guilt throwers” is to say kindly, “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty are you?”

Of course they will deny it, but if you stop being a “guilt catcher,” “guilt throwers” will eventually stop throwing their “guilt trip” at you—and throw it to others who don’t recognize their devious manipulation.

Overcoming shame is a different challenge because shame has been programmed into your self-concept. We’ll deal with this in our next Daily Encounter.

To be continued.…

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the insight to recognize when someone is trying to lay a guilt trip on me, and give me the courage to say no to them in a kindly fashion—so that I will become stronger in character—and not a guilt-thrower myself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:31-32 (NIV).

For example, in today’s world untold numbers of people are being terrified through abuse of one sort or another. Think of the terror of those living in war-torn places where parents are killed, children are left homeless, women are raped, and homes are destroyed. Think, too, of the children who are abused—physically, emotionally, and/or sexually in every society. Unless these fears and terrors are confronted, dealt with and resolved, a person can be greatly limited or even left emotionally handicapped in adult life by these hidden tormentors.

To be made perfect in love, it is imperative that these hidden tormentors be confronted and resolved. I wish I had a simple, easy answer for resolving these fears but I don’t. I can only talk realistically from my own experience. Because of a terrifying experience in early childhood I was left with a buried terror which caused me to unconsciously run from love much of my life.

At the risk of being repetitious, here’s how I overcame my deep seated fear. In my loneliness and despair I literally begged God to confront me with the truth and reality of what I was contributing to the situation I was in. Almost immediately I saw how codependent I was which had caused me to mistake need for love. I then came to the realization that I had been running from close relationships all of my life for fear of being hurt again. Once I saw and admitted my problem, I was able to realistically ask God to lead me to the help I needed to overcome my problem. The answer didn’t come easily but I was determined with God’s help and to do what I needed to do (get in depth therapy) to overcome my fear—otherwise I knew I would be running from love for the rest of my life.

What others do to hurt us is their problem. How we react is our problem and our responsibility to overcome it. So the first step in overcoming our fears is learning to pray the right prayer; for it is only when we admit and own our problems that we are in a position and open to receive help from God or anybody else.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see any fear in my life that is blocking out love. Give me the courage to confront it and lead me to the help I need to overcome it so I can be made perfect or complete in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: For further help read, “How to Pray Effectively” at: http://tinyurl.com/kb62w

1. 1 John 4:18 (NKJV).

“Aesop had a fable about two eagles, one envious of the other because the other could soar higher and more elegantly than he could. So the envious eagle would pluck his strongest feathers from his own body and shoot them as arrows, trying to wound or kill the other eagle. It was his own undoing, however. He could not hit the high flying eagle, and he was eventually grounded by his lack of feathers. Envy destroyed the eagle.”²

Envy, greed, and jealousy are all related. They are not only destroyers of the soul, but also of our physical well-being. As Proverbs says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”³

And wasn’t envy the cause of Satan’s downfall? He was envious of God and wanted to be God himself; and look at the unbelievable mess he has gotten us into—or rather, look at the incredible mess we’ve gotten ourselves into because we have followed the ways of Satan instead of the ways of God. And how many of the atrocities that are happening in today’s world are caused by the envy and greed for control by certain men who claim themselves to be leaders when, in fact, they are destroyers!

Envy is a destroyer. It will destroy you and me, too, if we allow it to do so. Like all of God’s instructions, it is not without good reason that his Word tells us to get rid of all envy, malice, jealousy and hatred.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if there is any envy, malice, jealousy, or hatred in my heart, please reveal it to me, and give me the courage and good sense to face it, to resolve it, and get rid of it. And please forgive me for it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 2:1 (NIV).

2. Brett Blair, Sermon Illustrations, 1999.

3. Proverbs 14:30 (NIV).

“In a Peanuts cartoon strip, Charlie Brown goes to Lucy for a nickel’s worth of psychiatric help. She proceeds to pinpoint his particular ‘fear’. ‘Perhaps,’ she says, ‘you have hypengyophobia, which is the fear of responsibility.’ Charlie Brown says, ‘No.’ ‘Well, perhaps you have ailurophobia, which is the fear of cats.’ ‘No.’ ‘Well, maybe you have climacophobia, which is the fear of staircases.’ ‘No.’ Exasperated, Lucy says, ‘Well, maybe you have pantophobia, which is the fear of everything.’ ‘Yes,’ says Charles, ‘that is the one!’”

Fear is a pretty common problem among us all. We are plagued by all sorts of fears: fear of heights; fear of the dark; fear of spiders, grasshoppers, mice and all sorts of tiny bugs (that are a thousand times smaller than we are); fear of unemployment; fear of terrorists; fear of closeness; fear of love; fear of rejection; fear of death; fear of being alone; and all sorts of fears ad infinitum. Some are valid, some are learned, some are imagined, some are real, and some are false.

In fact there are some things we ought to be afraid of such as driving through red lights; driving an unsafe vehicle; diving from high places without checking the depth of the water; and so on. And we certainly ought to be afraid of death if we aren’t prepared for life after death. These are healthy fears and are nature’s way of warning us to avoid certain situations, to prepare ahead for certain situations, and to protect and take care of ourselves and our loved ones. To ignore these fears is pure foolishness.

It’s the seemingly irrational fears that cause us havoc. For instance, some people are afraid of success, so unconsciously set themselves up to fail. Some people are afraid of getting sick and set themselves up to get sick. Some people are afraid of closeness in relationships and set themselves up for a life of loneliness. So how do we overcome our fears?

Learned fears. Some learned fears we can overcome by doing the thing we fear … little by little. For example, my mother was terrified of grasshoppers—especially those big ones that were plentiful where I grew up. From an early age, I learned to be afraid of them too. To overcome this fear I practiced picking them up—the small ones to start with—until I conditioned myself to pick up the biggies.

Livable fears. Some fears are harmless and we can learn to live with them. For instance, I have a fear of certain foods (probably because of some bad situation in the past) but I can live without eating asparagus!

Buried fears. I’ve written about this before but my big fear was a fear of love/closeness that came from painful early childhood experiences. I won’t spell out the details here but I had a deeply buried fear as an adult that if someone loved me, they would leave me, smother me, or even try to get rid of me. Consequently, for much of my life I was plagued by a deep inner loneliness until I came to the realization that I was running from love.

Only as I saw and admitted this was my problem, was I able to get the help I needed to overcome it. I also knew that if I didn’t overcome it, I would be running from love for the rest of my life. With God’s help and the help of a good therapist, I was able to stop running from love for which I am extremely thankful. Again, I knew it was my problem and knew that I needed help, commitment, and hard work to overcome it.

Circumstantial fears. In circumstances that are beyond our control, we need to commit our life to God and learn to trust him. This is something we can choose to do. When I am in these situations, I like to keep quoting a Psalm of David who said (when King Saul was trying to kill him), “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”²

Remember, too, where there is no fear, there is no need of courage.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you understand my fears. Please help me to come to terms with all my fears—to be responsible in situations where fear is a warning of danger ahead; Lord, confront and overcome fears that are hindering my becoming all that you have envisioned for me; and help me learn to trust you in all circumstances that are out of my control. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 118:6 (NIV).

2. Psalm 118:6 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader whom I shall call Mary, grew up in a very dysfunctional home where there was alcoholism and severe abuse. And now, as an adult, like thousands of others, she is unable to say no to her children and to all who come to her for help. Consequently, she struggles with false guilt, feels hurt and angry because of people who use her, and, among other troubling issues, is deeply in debt.

When our lives are in chaos, it’s normal to feel depressed and troubled. As one counselor said, “When we have unresolved problems, God is merciful—he gives us symptoms. The purpose of miserable symptoms is to motivate us to seek help.

So Mary’s first step for healing and recovery was her admitting, “I have a problem. I need help.”

Many of us have a hard time saying no because we want everyone to like (love) us and that is an unrealistic goal.

The truth is when we don’t have healthy boundaries (the ability to say no), people use us because they know we are a pushover and, as such, they don’t respect us, let alone love or like us. Wanting everyone to like/love us comes from our own love-deprivation hunger (mostly from our family background) and our subsequent insecurity. Consequently, we need to work not only on building healthy boundaries but also on our self-concept. In fact, it is nigh on impossible to maintain healthy boundaries unless we also work on rebuilding a healthy self-concept and good old-fashioned self-respect.

Realize too, that when we do too much for others or do anything for anybody that they can and should be doing for themselves, we are not being loving, but codependent, and are keeping these people over-dependent on us. Furthermore, we are doing it unconsciously to meet our own need (for love)—not the other person’s.

As I said to Mary, to rebuild your self-concept is the challenge and we don’t do that by reading books. We do it in relationship with other people. We get damaged in damaging relationships and get healed in healing relationships. With the intensity of your codependency, I would urge you to start taking care of yourself (this is probably the most loving thing you could do for your kids), and get into counseling with a good Christian counselor. Also, get into a 12-step CODA (Codependent Anonymous) group.

Also, ask God to give you a soul-sister or soul-brother whom you can trust implicitly with your feelings and failures, someone who won’t give you advice, tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but listen to and accept you as you are. It’s only as we are fully known by a safe, accepting, non-judgmental, and loving person, and they love and accept us with all our faults, little by little we learn, though them, to love and accept ourselves. Remember, though, you took X number of years to become who you are so you don’t change all of that overnight. To grow and become whole takes a lot of commitment, determination, and hard work as well as God’s help.

Most importantly, be sure to commit and trust your life and way to God every day for the rest of your life. Ask him to give you the courage to face the truth about yourself that you need to see and resolve, and to lead you to the help you need to overcome.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you love and accept me as I am. Please help me to find a few people with whom I feel safe to let them know me as you know me. And through their loving acceptance of me, help me learn to love and accept myself so I will love others from a pure heart without strings attached. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:4-5 (NIV).

For the codependent person to overcome his/her problem the following steps will help:

First, the codependent person needs to see his problem and accept responsibility for his own actions and recovery.

Second, he needs to develop healthy boundaries and learn to say no to those who want him to do things for them that they can and need to do for themselves.

Third, he needs to stop blaming others for his unhappiness or for the difficulties he has. Blaming others is a way to avoid facing his own problem that he is in denial about—and not taking responsibility for his part in the situation he is in. Blaming others and avoiding personal responsibility is at the heart of so much unhappiness.

Fourth, codependents need to stop trying to change others. They have a compulsion to fix everybody except themselves. Trying to change or fix others only leads to frustration and anger for both parties. The only person we can ever fix or change is our self, and as we change, others around us are almost forced to change—not always for the best either, I might add. Over-dependent people don’t want us to change because it throws them for a loop.

Fifth, the codependent needs to come to terms with his or her problems. While an over-dependent person is often addicted to some form of compulsive behavior, the codependent is addicted to the addict. In reality, both are over-dependent on each other. Both are being irresponsible.

Because codependents need to feel needed in order to feel loved, they suffer from love deprivation, usually from childhood, and have confused feeling needed for feeling loved. In order to feel needed, some codependents will go to any length to keep a needy person dependent on them. They can be loyal to the point of being destructive both to themselves and others.

On the surface, codependency can appear to be very loving, kind and Christian. However, at its core it is a confusion of responsibility. The codependent is so busy trying to meet the needs of and to fix others, he neglects taking responsibility for meeting his own needs and accepting and resolving his own problems.

In so doing, he short-circuits the natural consequences of somebody else’s destructive behavior. For instance, as long as Janet keeps paying Phil’s bills for him, and keeps taking him back without serious consequences after his affairs, he will never learn responsibility in financial matters or relationships. Only when Janet stops protecting and “saving” Phil and allows him to face the consequences of his irresponsible business and personal behavior will there be any hope for Phil to recover.

Regarding John, I said to Kym, “It is one thing to accept John. It is another matter to accept his transvestite behavior. As long as you accept his behavior and keep protecting him, he will never get better and, as such, you are a part of his sickness.”

Codependents need to allow irresponsible people to face the consequences of their actions, and, if necessary, to let them hit bottom—as did the prodigal son in today’s Scripture. Only then did he come to his senses. Codependents also need to accept responsibility for themselves and work on their own growth and recovery. One effective way to do this is to join a twelve-step support or similar group. Here, you can learn to feel loved for who you are, and not for what you do for others.

Most of all, codependents need to trust their life to God—a power greater than their own—and daily ask him to confront them with the reality of their problem, help them to see the root causes of it, and lead them to the help they need and the courage to overcome. God can make a much better job of our life than we can. Why not trust it to him today and every day?

To be continued … Click HERE for Part III

Suggested prayer: Dear God, please help me to be available to those who have a genuine need, and learn to say no to those I have been rescuing and taking responsibility for. Help me to see my need and be responsible for my behavior, growth and recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Luke 15:13, 15-18 (NIV).