Another Daily Encounter reader asks for help saying, “I have a problem with pornography and masturbation. I am 24 years old, and ever since I was in my early teens I have not been able to shake my addiction to these habits. I have resolved many times to put an end to these habits, but each time I find myself returning and am unable to control myself. I feel so guilty about praying because I will have to ask for forgiveness over something for which I have asked forgiveness before. But I can’t help myself when I start wanting these things. Pornography has taken over my life.”

Dear Henry (not his real name), regarding being addicted to pornography and masturbation. By admitting that you are addicted to these behaviors, you have taken the first step in your recovery.

Sometimes external acts of sin (such as what you are struggling with) are the fruit of a deeper root. If this is so, when we are hiding this deeper sin or fault, we tend to confess a lesser sin all the more vigorously. You indicated that you came from a very dysfunctional family background so your addiction could easily have its roots in your not ever feeling loved as a child. As a result your addictive behaviors are used to anesthetize the pain caused by this deeper painful root.

So first of all, pray and ask God to show you if your addiction is the fruit of a deeper unresolved problem or unmet need in your life, and to reveal to you what that issue is.

Second, to overcome your addiction it is important that you get into a sexual addiction or similar support group to help you stop acting out through pornography and masturbation so you can confront and resolve the pain that is the root cause of your addiction.

Third, pray and ask God to lead you to the help you need to overcome. Most of us are not able to resolve these issues alone. If necessary, seek capable Christian professional counseling to help you resolve these issues because, if you don’t overcome the pornography, it could readily destroy your relationships, especially within a marriage. Addictive masturbation can do the same.

Remember, too, that God doesn’t expect us to become perfect, as that is impossible as long as we live in this broken sinful world. God’s goal is not to make us good either. It is to make us whole; for only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, our actions, our behaviors, our attitudes and our relationships be wholesome. So always pray that God will help you to become whole and to lead you to all the help you need to be made whole.

For those whose struggle may not be with this issue, remember that any habit we consistently use to avoid facing our inner, hidden pain is also an addiction—such as being a workaholic, a shopaholic, a TV-aholic, a chocoholic, food-aholic, a religious-aholic, an intellectual-aholic . . . and any of a score of other addictive behaviors.

Suggested prayer: “In the words of the hymn writer, ‘Search me, O God and know my heart today / Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray / See if there be some wicked way in me / Cleanse me from every sin and set me free.’ Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6 (ASV)(NIV).

NOTE: For suggested “Resources in Counseling” visit http://tinyurl.com/counseling-resources.

Also, see the article, “Masturbation: Is it a Sin?” at: http://tinyurl.com/naqhru.

“Have you ever seen a baseball player argue with an umpire’s decision in an important situation even when it was obvious to everyone else that the call was correct? The player wants the call to go the other way so badly that he might actually have perceived it differently from that of the umpire. I remember one case where a player even swore to his teammates that a called third strike was a ball. Later, when he was shown a videotape of the pitch, which was right down the middle, he couldn’t believe it. He wanted it to be a ball so badly that he had actually perceived it to be a ball.”

One’s mind is like his eye. The moment a foreign object threatens to intrude, the eye closes. So does the mind. It will close to anything that threatens a person’s self-esteem, his personal life-style, his strongly held attitudes, values, and beliefs, and to anything that is not relevant to his felt or perceived needs and wants.

As communicators remind us, all of us have selective exposure, selective attention, selective comprehension or perception, selective distortion, and selective retention.

Selective exposure shows that people are only open to messages they want to receive.

Selective attention shows that people hear only what they want to hear.

Selective comprehension or perception shows that people will perceive things the way they want to see them.

Selective distortion shows how people change messages to match their self-concept or twist them to match their perception of reality.

Selective retention shows that people remember only what they want to remember.*

Everything else is filtered or blocked out. We are all capable of doing this. The fact is we see things not the way they are, but the way we are. However, the answer for seeing reality; that is, seeing the truth as it really is, is by our being ruthlessly honest with ourselves. The more dishonest I am with my inner self, the more I will distort all truth to make it match my distorted perception of reality and twist it to say what I want it to say. But the more honest I am with my inner self, the more I will see all truth—including God’s truth—the way it really is, and not as I may want it to appear. As Jesus reminds us, it’s the truth that liberates us.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please make me to be a man/woman of truth. Help me to be honest with myself and with you so that I will see all truth the way it is, and see things the way they are and not twist them to say what I want them to say. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 8:17-19 (NIV).

*NOTE: Today’s Daily Encounter is adapted from I Hate Witnessing—A Handbook for Effective Christian Communications, by Dick Innes. See pages 136 following (2010 edition). Available at: www.actscom.com/store.

The story or legend is told how two monks, when traveling back to their monastery in inclement weather, came to the fjord of a river. There they met a young woman who was afraid to cross the river. Seeing her dilemma one of the monks offered to carry her across the river on his back which offer she accepted.

Later that evening the monk who didn’t help the young lady accused the monk who did of breaking the rules of their monastic order. “You know we are to have no dealings with the opposite sex,” he said, “and you were wrong in doing what you did.”

To which the other monk quietly replied, “I carried her only across the river. You are carrying her still.”

When we fail to resolve our anger, and keep nursing our grudges, we not only give a “mighty foothold to the devil,” but we also hurt ourselves, damage our physical well-being, and do serious harm to our close relationships. As another has said, when we nurse our grudges and fail to forgive those who have hurt us, “It’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

So, is there anything you are still carrying? Any grudges, resentments, bitterness, hurts, unresolved grief? If so, I urge you to follow the advice of the Scriptures and resolve these issues right away. And, if necessary, see a qualified counselor to help you to do so. Your health and relationships depend on it.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the advice you give in your Word, the Bible, to help us live healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful lives—and maintain quality relationships. Help me to live by your instructions. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB)(NLT).

First a word of warning to those of us who say, “I don’t have any addictions. That’s not my problem.”

We all need to realize that anything we habitually do or use to avoid facing our inner pain is an addiction—no matter how good what we are doing may appear to be. A codependent person, for example, is addicted to the addict in his or her life. Others of us hide behind our busyness, our intellectuality, our position, or whatever. Some people escape into religion and claim they are standing on the Word of God, when in fact they are hiding behind the Word of God. They use God’s Truth as a defense against facing the truth about themselves—a very subtle, self-deceiving, and self-destructive course to take.

Also, some people, as John Powell said, treat God as if he were a giant Bayer’s aspirin. “Take God three times a day and you won’t feel any pain!” It’s not that simple. What is realistic is that God will help us but he will not do for us anything we need to do for ourselves, but he will bend the heavens to do for us what we can’t do for ourselves—that’s why Jesus came to earth and died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins and mine.

So when we ask God to help us to overcome our addictions, how can we pray to get our prayers answered?

First, pray honestly. The beginning point to resolve any problem is to admit that I have a problem. Only those who say, “I have a problem. I need help,” can ever find help.

Second, pray sincerely. We need to want to overcome our problem with all our heart and be totally committed to do what we need to do about our recovery if we want God to help us. A wish won’t wash. It has to be a genuine want. As Jesus would say, “Do you want—not wish—to be made well?”

Third, pray for truth. If, for example, I am an alcoholic, I need to (1) not only admit to myself that I am an addict but also admit/confess to God and at least one other person that I am an alcoholic (or whatever my addiction is); (2) that my life is out of control; (3) that I need help: and (4) ask God to confront me with the truth about myself; to show me the cause/s behind my addiction no matter how much it may hurt. This can be painful. I know because there have been times when I have prayed for God to confront me with the truth about myself. The good news is, once I see the truth about myself and the cause/s behind my problems, I know what I need to do to overcome. As Jesus taught, it’s the truth that sets one free.

Remember the “LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” So the way to pray to get prayer answered is to pray for truth—the truth, the whole truth about yourself.

Fourth, ask for guidance. When we pray, we need to ask God to lead us to the help we need to overcome our problem—and never give up until we find that help.

Fifth. accept responsibility. Part of our recovery, after we ask God for help and guidance, is to actively seek the help we need to overcome our problem, and to do what we need to do in order to recover.

Sixth, commitment. It took many years to become who and what we are so we don’t overcome our struggles overnight. We need to be so committed that we never give up until we work through and resolve our problem so that we become more and more the person God envisioned for us to be—and that is to be made whole. God’s goal goes much deeper than seeing us delivered from our addictions. It is that we are made whole, for only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, actions, attitudes, behaviors and relationships become wholesome.

Jesus’ question to you and me is this: “Do you want to be made whole?” God will do his part. It’s up to you and me to do our part. We need to pray the right prayer, want deliverance with all our heart, and do our part in the recovery process.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you are waiting to help me when I pray the truth from my heart. Help me always to be honest with myself and with you knowing that when I am, you will always hear and answer my prayers. Help me, too, to always pray the right prayer. Thank you for hearing and answering me. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

Yesterday we explained how addictive behavior patterns are the presenting problem—and are more often than not the fruit of a deeper root. We also noted that addictions are usually used to medicate the pain of an unresolved inner conflict. Today we ask the question, “How do we overcome addictive behaviors that are the fruit of a deeper root?”

First, face reality. Addicts are very adept at avoiding reality, are steeped in denial, and have all sorts of devious ways of denying their addiction. Like the man who says, “Sure I drink a lot but I’m not an alcoholic,” even though he has a dozen or so beers a day and often comes home either drunk or half-drunk. Or like the wife who is a closet drinker. She will do everything in her sneaky-power to avoid being caught and is in deep denial about her addiction.

Thus, the first step in overcoming any addiction is to face reality and admit, “I have a problem. I need help.” Even God limits himself from helping us until we admit we have a problem, acknowledge that our life is out of control, and that we need help.

Second, accept responsibility. The addict needs to get into an effective recovery program—such as a Twelve-Step or similar program—that will help him to stop acting out through his addiction, and to confront his inner reality and pain head on. This can be extremely difficult and very painful because for much of his life he has avoided facing his reality and feeling his pain. However until he stops medicating his pain and feels and faces it, chances are that he will never do anything about overcoming his problem.

Some time ago a friend who had tried without success for twenty years to stop smoking asked me for help. He admitted he had a problem but didn’t really want to confront the cause behind it. I asked him a simple question: “Why do you need to smoke?” He mumbled a few incoherent sentences and walked away. Sadly, he died a few years later from cancer. The reality is that if we don’t get the cause behind our symptoms, the symptoms will get us.

If you have an addiction, ask yourself, “Why do I need this ________ (name it) addiction?” We will fight tenaciously against even asking this question claiming vehemently that we don’t need it. But we do in that we need it to keep us from facing reality.

Also, if you happen to be living with an addict, it is tremendously important that you stop rescuing him (or her) from the natural consequences of his/her self-destructive behavior. If you continue to rescue him/her, you become a part of the sickness and may need to get into a recovery/support program for yourself. Tough love with consequences is an absolute must dealing with an addict.

Third, and most important of all, is to pray the right prayer. As James points out in today’s Scripture, many of our prayers aren’t answered because we pray amiss; that is, we pray the wrong prayer with wrong motives.

We pray, we plead, we beg, we cry: “Oh God, deliver me from my addiction!” And never get delivered. Why? Because we’re praying the wrong prayer. We’re addressing the symptom rather than the cause. God isn’t going to deliver me from my addictive behavior if I am unwilling to face the cause or causes behind it.

Furthermore, our mind can play tricks on us deceiving us into believing we have been cured when all we’ve done is exchange one symptom for another. I recall hearing one speaker claiming that when he accepted Jesus as his Savior, he was immediately delivered from alcoholism. Trouble is, he hadn’t confronted and resolved the root cause of his alcoholism and was now a rage-aholic! Denial is deadly. If we don’t admit, confront, and deal with our unresolved issues in a creative and healthy way, they will come out in some destructive, unhealthy way.

So how do we pray the right prayer? We will answer this question in tomorrow’s Daily Encounter.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me always to pray the right prayer focusing not so much on my symptoms but on the causes behind them so that I can receive your help, and any other help I need, to overcome my addiction/s and live victoriously. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 4:2-3 (NKJV).

A Daily Encounter reader writes: “I am a controlling person and a perfectionist and am being self-destructive as I don’t know how to give up my addictions. I keep trying and keep failing. I promise I will do better the next day and fail again … and again … and again. Please help me.”

It helps to realize that God is merciful in that, when we have unresolved personal issues, he allows us to have symptoms. To put it another way, symptoms are nature’s warning signal—a flashing red light—telling us that something within us is amiss and needs fixing. Symptoms can be emotional, physical, spiritual, an addiction, or a combination of any or all of the above.

Symptoms are also called the presenting problem; that is, the problem that we see. They are almost always the fruit of a deeper root.

For instance, a controlling person is one who is very insecure and needs to be in control of others and their circumstances to feel safe and secure. But this is a false sense of security as a secure person doesn’t have a need to be in control of everything. The more insecure the person, the more need they have to control. They can be very difficult to live with.

The perfectionist is also an insecure person. For them to feel secure everything has to be perfect. They can never quite please themselves in what they do no matter how good it is. Neither can you please them no matter how hard you try and how well you do. They will search for a fault, and if there isn’t one, they will make one up. They, too, can be very difficult to live with.

Regarding the addict, his or her addictions are usually a means of escape used to medicate or anesthetize the pain of their inner struggle. When they feel their pain—whether it is an overwhelming sense of emptiness, loneliness, anxiety, depression—they reach for the booze and another drink, another cigarette, more sex, become super-busy, go on a shopping spree, or whatever—a never-ending, self-defeating, downward spiral.

So how do we overcome? To be continued in Part II.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that your desire for me is that I lay aside every weight and overcome the sins that set me back. Help me to understand why I act the way I do and lead me to the help I need to overcome so that my life will glorify you in everything I do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 12:1-2 (NKJV).

A Daily Encounter reader whom I will call Janice wrote, “I am at my wit’s end, please I need your help. I was sexually abused by a family member from the age of 6 years to 13 years old and then he died. I was always the child who was either fighting with the neighbors, my brother or sisters, and this led to getting a thrashing with a belt on many a night. I fell pregnant at the age of 18, a year out of school, and got married ….”

Janice’s marriage was a disaster—with abuse, rejection, affairs. She was divorced … remarried … another disaster … divorced again … married again … another disaster … another divorce … same man only with different names.

While Janice’s story is extreme, she is not alone. I have taught in divorce and grief recovery workshops over the past decade-and-a-half and have seen too many singles repeat the same mistake over and over.

As I said to Janice (and have written many times), what we don’t resolve we are destined to repeat. We have two choices—either resolution or repetition.

We need to realize that we are basically attracted to other people (especially romantically) on the basis of who we are. The one I am attracted to is a match of me in that “the bumps on my head match the holes in her head.” All too soon I begin to see the holes in her head, but fail to see the bumps on mine!

Because Janice was abused as a child and a teenager, she is drawn to abusive men—in an unconscious attempt to “make things right this time.” It never works.

As painful as it is to admit, we are as sick (or as healthy) as the people we are attracted to. Until we admit this and look at the bumps/holes on/in our head and quit blaming our partner for our relational difficulties, and get into a healthy recovery program, chances are that we will continue to keep repeating the same mistakes.

The important thing to realize is not to look for the right partner but to become the right partner, for only happy, healthy people find happy, healthy partners. Furthermore, only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, actions, attitudes, and relationships become wholesome. Realize too, that while God wants us to be made whole, he usually works through others to do this. We were damaged in damaging relationships and find healing in healing relationships.

If you (or someone you know) can identify in some way with Janice, I urge you to seek wise counseling to help you face and resolve the issues in your life that are causing you to have failed or unsatisfying relationships. Life is too short to live in the constant pain of impaired and hurtful relationships. Such can not only destroy the quality of your life, but also take years off your life.

If you live in North America and need the name of a Christian counselor in your area, call the Narramore Christian Foundation for a counselor near you. The number is 1-800-477-5893 Ex 227. Tell Mary that Dick Innes suggested you call. Don’t delay. Make that call today. Or if you live overseas, you can receive free lay counseling with New Hope Counseling online at: http://www.newhopenow.org/.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to grow and become whole in every area of life so that my life and relationships will be truly wholesome. May I settle for nothing less. And please lead me to the counseling I need to help me so that my life will become a living testimony of your saving power and help. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6 (NIV).

A Spanish proverb says: “God says, ‘Choose what you will and pay for it.’”

Not so here in the U.S., maybe, according to at least some so-called justices. Chuck Colson in BreakPoint pointed out a few years ago just one of many similar examples when he wrote, “A young woman I’ll call Susie Smith has a weight problem: She’s five feet, six inches and weighs 270 pounds. Why does she weigh twice her healthy weight? Genetics? Poor nutrition? Lack of exercise?

“No! McDonald’s. Smith claims that she is obese because ‘her regular diet included an Egg McMuffin for breakfast and a Big Mac meal for dinner.’ And that is why she and other overweight people were suing McDonald’s.”

Back in college days for two summers I drove a CTA passenger bus in Chicago, and in our training we learned how some people would purposely fall in the bus so they could sue the bus company for damages. And these people never seem to want for a lawyer who will accept their case.

In recent days we have read how smokers have successfully sued tobacco companies for millions of dollars blaming the manufacturers for their (the smokers’) addiction! I certainly don’t approve of tobacco companies but not one of them ever made anyone buy or smoke their cigarettes. Every single smoker did so because of his/her own choice and action. And never has a McDonald’s ever made any customer buy an Egg McMuffin or a Big Mac let alone make them eat them.

What so-called justices are granting is not only absurd, it’s downright alarming. Once upon a time law, order, and justice, were based on the Judeo-Christian ethic. No longer. We’ve thrown out prayer, God, and the Bible from our schools. And there’s ever increasing pressure to have God and the Bible removed from all public places. Consequently we are now living in what has been called post-Christian America and it seems as if some lawyers and judges are making their own laws instead of adhering to the law as spelled out in the Constitution.

Consequently, personal and moral responsibility is rapidly being decimated.

If we keep heading this way, law and order based on a higher power (be it God or the Constitution—essential for the successful functioning of any society and nation) will become so eroded, we will end up like ancient Rome and every other civilization who discarded God, morality, and personal responsibility.

The Spanish proverb is correct: “God says, ‘Choose what you will and pay for it.’” Susie Smith and company did exactly what they wanted to do and are paying for it. Denial will never take off their weight nor cure their lung cancer, the result of smoking.

One thing is certain, we cannot break God’s laws and survive any more than we can break the universal law of gravity. When we attempt to, it breaks us. What we sow is what we reap! Period—even if it is eventually.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please send a revival of your Spirit to our nation so that we will return to your ways and abide by your laws. Deliver us from our self-delusional irresponsibility and help us to realize that when we defy your ways, we ultimately destroy ourselves and the world of our children’s children. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:7 (NASB).

First, be honest and admit how you are feeling and don’t pretend you are something that you are not. This only worsens and complicates matters and doesn’t resolve anything.

Second, accept yourself as a normal human being who sometimes has angry feelings.

Third, ask God to help you admit your true feelings and to lead you to the help you need to resolve them in healthy ways.

Fourth, accept responsibility for your feelings and don’t blame others for your feelings. What the other person has done to us is their issue, but how I respond is always my responsibility. Also, don’t blame the devil. When I get angry, the devil doesn’t make me do it. I can get angry all by myself. Neither is my anger a demon as some would have me believe. As the Bible says, when we don’t resolve our anger we “give a mighty foothold to the devil.” So, when we resolve our anger, he, the devil, loses his foothold!

Fifth, determine to resolve your feelings the same day or as quickly as possible

Sixth, express your feeling creatively—perhaps to an understanding friend first or to an “imaginary” substitute, and where necessary, to the person at whom you are angry. This is not an excuse to lash out at others. The goal should always be to “speak the truth in love.”²

When expressing anger we need to verbalize the emotion. Talking about the anger doesn’t resolve it. The emotion needs to be released—not as an attack, nor to blame another for it, but as an expression of our feeling—realizing that our anger is both our problem and our responsibility. When this is done adequately, the anger dissipates.

It is neither true nor helpful to say, “You make me mad.” This is blaming the other person for your reaction and puts him or her on the defensive. It is more helpful to say, “I need to talk to you about such and such. I feel very angry about this. I know my anger is my problem and I may be overreacting, but I need to talk to you about this matter.” That is, use “I” messages, not “you” messages.

Anger can also be expressed in writing, as David did in the Psalms.³ I have done this many times, after which I have torn up the piece of paper. Where necessary I have very carefully re-written those feelings (to speak the truth in love) and personally shared them with the other person or people involved.

Resolving relationships is very important. Christ reminds us that if we have any conflict with another person, we are to put things right before bringing our gifts to God.⁴

Seventh, before expressing anger, check to see if you are feeling afraid or threatened, because anger is often used as a defense against feeling afraid. If fear is the problem, talk about that.

Eighth, if you can’t resolve your anger in any of the above ways, be sure to see a highly trained, qualified counselor. I know this can be costly but we can’t afford not to resolve our anger. Otherwise the adverse effects caused by unresolved anger and especially hostility will be far more costly in terms of relationships, and emotional and physical health.

Last, when you have resolved your anger, forgive, forgive, forgive! This will forever free you from all who have hurt you.

For physical, emotional and spiritual health we need to be in touch with all our feelings (positive and negative), and use and express them in creative ways. This, too, is the way of love, for unresolved anger turns into resentment and builds barriers between friends, loved ones and even God, and blocks out love.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you again for your Word which gives positive instructions for healthy and productive living. Help me to apply it to my daily living, and resolve and get rid of all negative emotions. And help me to do this in healthy ways and always to speak the truth in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: This series on anger has been adapted from my article “Taming Your Anger” on line at: http://tinyurl.com/b439f.

1. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB) (NLT).

2. Ephesians 4:15.

3. See Psalm 109.

4. See Mark 11:25.