Most of my generation (at least), “know how much the world fawned over actress, Marilyn Monroe. Perhaps fewer know how rejected she felt throughout her life. A reporter from the New York Times was interviewing her and, being aware of her troubled background, posed the following question: ‘Did you ever feel loved by any of the foster families with whom you lived?’

“‘Once,’ Marilyn replied, ‘when I was about seven or eight. The woman I was living with was putting on makeup, and I was watching her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached over and patted my cheeks with her rouge puff. . . . For that moment, I felt loved by her.’”²

How incredibly sad. One can understand why Marilyn ended her life at the height of her popularity. All the fame, attention, popularity and money together can never fill the empty void of an aching, lonely heart—a heart that deep down doesn’t feel loved.

Some time ago I watched Larry King interviewing Winona Judd on his TV program, Larry King Live. Winona has sold millions of copies of her recordings, and has achieved fame as one of the all time greats in female Country music. It was fascinating to hear her background. If I remember correctly, her father deserted her mother before she was born. Winona never got to see him before he died. She was crushed when she learned of his passing. She, too, struggled much of her personal life and shared how desperately lonely she felt when, after being on stage and adored by thousands of fans, had to go back to a hotel room alone. Winona may have had a loving mother, but she felt the terrible pains of not having a loving father.

Winona also spoke of her faith and said she is doing much better these days in her personal life. After hearing her story, one can understand why the title of one of her albums is, “What the World Needs Now Is Love.”

How true this is. Without knowing a mother and a father’s love, which millions of people growing up in today’s society don’t know, we limp along in the shadows of life trying to eke out a meager existence which no amount of fame, popularity or riches can meet. Loneliness, as it has been medically shown, can break your heart and take years off your life. Karen Carpenter, another famous singer—one who inadvertently starved herself to death—hauntingly sang, “Loneliness . . . it’s such a sad affair.”

People desperately need, not only God’s love, but the love of God’s people through whom, for many, is the only way they will ever find and experience God’s love.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in the midst of a lonely world where so many are looking for love in all the wrong ways and places, please help me to share your love with a lonely person today and, in so doing, may they sense that they have been touched by you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 13:34 (NIV).

2. Helen Colton, The Gift of Touch (NY: Seaview/Putnam, 1983), p. 102. Adapted. Cited on www.eSermons.com.

The first step, we said, in the healing process is to admit that we have a problem or need. We have a friend whose teenage daughter is anorexic and is also in total denial. Even though she has had to be hospitalized, she claims that there is nothing wrong with her. Until she admits that she has a serious eating disorder and that she needs help, there is no chance of her ever recovering and being made well.

The second step is to want to be healed—not just wish to be. Wanting also means that we have to accept total responsibility to do whatever we need to do in order to be made well.

Third, it isn’t enough to talk about our painful feelings. We need to find a safe place with a trusted friend, counselor, therapy group, or recovery group where we can confidentially experience and express our feelings of hurt, guilt, shame, anger, fear, plus our sins and faults. These are the secrets that comprise our dark side which, unconfessed, keep us bound. As it has been said, “We are as sick as our secrets.” Not all ills are caused by these issues, but many are.

Fourth, when necessary, where we have hurt somebody else, we need to seek their forgiveness and, wherever possible, right the wrong/s that we have done.

Fifth, we then need to forgive all who have hurt us. This is part of gaining freedom from the past. Once we have grown strong enough to face our pain, set appropriate boundaries, and develop some safe relationships, we can begin to forgive. But we cannot simply put forgiveness on top of unresolved hurt, grief, or anger. These must first be dealt with and resolved. Then we are ready to forgive.

Sixth, we also need to confess our sins and faults to God and ask for and receive his forgiveness. His Word says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”²

Seventh, we need to forgive ourselves, let go of the past, and move on to become the persons God planned for us to be. Once we have faced our pain and hurt and anger and begun to forgive, we can start looking ahead in life.

Eighth, develop a healthy support network with a trusted friend or two. At the very minimum, ask God to give you at least one close friend who you trust implicitly and with whom you can share your total self—your joys sorrows, victories, and failures—and with whom you can keep accountable.

Finally, we need to consistently seek God’s help through prayer, scripture, and Christian fellowship. I don’t mean through a magical quick fix but rather through the miracle of God’s healing over time through our relationship with Him and members of the body of Christ—the Church.

Remember, too, that one of the names for God in Hebrew, Yahweh-rophe, literally means “The Lord who heals.”

God wants to heal us and has shown us the way. It’s in the Bible: “Confess your sins and faults to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.”³ Do you truly want to be healed? If so, and the cause of your illness is within yourself, as you follow God’s way, you can and will be healed of many of life’s ills. It may take time but God wants you to become the person He created you to be.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whatever it takes, whatever I need to see and whatever I need to do, with your help I am willing to be made willing to accept full responsibility for my unresolved personal issues that are causing many of my ills—be they physical, emotional, or spiritual. And, where needed, help me to find the help I need to fully recover and experience your healing. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

2. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).

3. James 5:16 (NIV).

Continuing from yesterday’s Daily Encounter, very cautiously Jennifer (a repeated rape victim) began to share. Then her feelings came rushing out in torrents. It was the first time in her life she completely shared her years of bottled-up emotions. This catharsis (emptying out) was essential to open the way for Jennifer to begin to heal. Without first taking this step, she couldn’t be freed from the past so that she could, in time, move to a point of forgiveness. After three days of painful sharing, we prayed for Jennifer. She went back to her room and returned some time later looking like a different person. She put on a pretty blouse, makeup, fixed her hair, and came in wearing a million-dollar smile. She had a long road ahead but her healing and freedom from the past had begun.

More than a year after the seminars I ran into Jennifer again. She had sought out Christian counseling and although her progress was slow, she was doing incredibly well. Her spiritual and emotional healing was well underway.

Jennifer’s story is by no means unusual as there are millions of others who have been sexually, physically and/or emotionally abused—and even spiritually abused. Others of us, while not suffering such extreme abuse, still have our share of wounds and unmet needs. We live in a sinful, fallen world and none of us escape the ravages of sin. Every family has some “dysfunction.” True, some families are more dysfunctional than others, but every family has been affected. Some of us are either co-dependent or overly independent. Others of us are detached, perfectionistic, prone to angry outbursts, withdraw when we are hurt or angry, excessively anxious, or sad. Each of us needs some spiritual, emotional, or relational healing.

One of the facts of life is that we are destined to repeat in one form or another those dysfunctions we fail to resolve, or take out our hurt and anger on the ones we love—and then pass on our dysfunctions to our children! The Bible says, “The sins [including the emotional sins] of the fathers [parents] are visited to the third and fourth generation.”² This is why it is imperative that, with God’s help, we resolve them. The following steps will help.

First, we need to admit that we have been hurt, that we have a problem, and that we need healing.

Second, we need to want healing badly enough to be willing to face our pain rather than bury it. As Jesus, the Master Physician, said to a man who had been an invalid for 38 years: “Do you want to get well?”³ It sounds like a silly question but it is really profound. We have to want to get better badly enough to face our hidden or painful hurts. Only those who want to be healed will be. The half-hearted never make it.

To be continued . . .

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be ruthlessly honest with myself and with you and see and admit where I need healing. Help me, too, to understand the healing process according to the principles found in your Word, and please lead me to the help I need to get to the root cause/s of my problems and resolve these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).

2. Deuteronomy 5:9.

3. John 5:6.

When I first met Jennifer at a seminar I was leading, she was very withdrawn and her face, apart from sad eyes, was expressionless. She said little all day but her body language spoke volumes. It didn’t take a great deal of insight to realize that Jennifer was in pain—deep pain.

I was quite busy and didn’t give any more thought to Jennifer until a few weeks later when she turned up a thousand miles away at a more intensive week-long counseling workshop. Here her story unfolded.

Jennifer was at breaking point. She had a young son and was about to give him up for adoption. She told us she was so afraid to be touched she couldn’t stand her own child hugging her. It was no surprise to learn that Jennifer was a rape victim—repeated rape. In fact, her son was a child of rape. This terrible abuse started when she was very young and left her paralyzed with fear.

Like a lion in the forest preys on wounded animals, perpetrating men saw Jennifer as easy prey and had been violating her for much of her 40 years. She came to our counseling week as a last hope. Since nothing else had worked, she determined that if she didn’t find help here, she was going to take her life.

Fortunately, Jennifer found a place where she felt safe to share her story and express the incredibly painful emotions that had been bottled up inside since she was repeatedly raped as a small child and as an adolescent. Time and again she had been used and shamed. She felt ugly, dirty, unlovable, and despised.

To be healed Jennifer needed to share not only what had happened to her (where she had been sinned against) but also all of the hurt, shame, anger (rage), and terror she felt. Although her painful emotions were justified by the horrible mistreatment she had suffered, Jennifer had turned these emotions against herself and they were all but destroying her.

To be continued . . .

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be available to people who are hurting, and give me a listening ear, an understanding heart, and an accepting spirit so those needing to share their struggles will feel safe to do so with me. And please use me to be a ‘wounded healer.’ Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6 (NIV).

It’s an old story that we’ve all read about, but it’s a good reminder as found in the following parable about “a new mother who discovered a butterfly struggling mightily to escape its cocoon through a tiny opening at the top. She became concerned when the creature seemed to give up after making no progress. Certain that the butterfly wouldn’t make it out without help, she enlarged the hole slightly.

“On its next try, the butterfly wriggled out easily. But the young woman’s joy turned to horror as she saw its wings were shriveled and useless. Her well-intentioned intervention turned out badly because it interrupted a natural process. You see, forcing the butterfly to squeeze through a small opening is nature’s way of assuring that blood from the creature’s body is pushed into the wings. By making it easier, she deprived the butterfly of strong wings.”²

The same thing happens to children when parents over-protect them by doing too much for them, by spoiling them, or doing for them what they can and need to do for themselves, and by making decisions for them that they are capable of and need to be making themselves.

There can be a fine line knowing when to hang on and when to let go, but it’s important to realize that, as parents, it is our responsibility to train up our children so that by the time they come to adulthood, they are capable of and responsible for taking care of themselves and are healthy, interdependent adults. True, good parenting requires parents to protect their children from harm, but being overprotective can cause children to grow up being emotionally immature or even emotionally crippled.

It’s the struggles of life that make all of us strong and healthy. As blind and deaf Helen Keller once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the wisdom to know when to protect my children (and others) from harm and when to let go so they can develop their wings and become strong, self-reliant and responsible adults. Help me too, not to do for others what they can and need to do for themselves so they don’t become over-dependent on me instead of being dependent on you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV).

2. Michael Josephson. www.charactercounts.org.

A Daily Encounter reader writes, “I am currently experiencing discouragement from a friend caused by their criticism of me. In my case I wonder if some friends are too afraid of us surpassing them in some area and their being left behind. Sad, but it makes me want to pray more for my ‘discouragers’ so that they may find our Lord faithful to supply all of their wants, needs, and desires as well. After all, discouraging us doesn’t make them more successful, significant or victorious—rather, quite the opposite.”

It is true in that whenever someone rises head and shoulders above his fellow man, he quickly becomes the target for the jabs and jibes of jealous lesser men.

Criticism can be very painful especially when it comes from those who are closest to us. In the long run, however, it does much more harm to the one criticizing than it does to the one being criticized. Furthermore, criticism only destroys us if we allow it to.

If we are being criticized and the criticism is valid, we need to be big enough to accept the criticism and make necessary changes to correct where we have been wrong.

On the other hand, if the criticism is unjust, we need to realize (though easier said than done) that the more secure we become within ourselves, the less others’ criticism will bother us. In such cases I like what another has said, “What you think of me is none of my business.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be big enough to accept all criticism, evaluate it honestly, admit where I am wrong, and make changes where such is necessary. Where criticism is unjust, help me to brush it off and pray for my critic. And please deliver me from having a negative, critical attitude. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 41:9 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader writes, “I’m writing this in pure despair. I’ve written to some other Christian organizations only to receive ‘canned’ responses. I am a 50-year-old woman and have been a drug addict since the age of 13. I have been in many treatments, had psychiatric care, on psychiatric meds, in all kinds of 12-step programs, attended Church on a regular basis, read my Bible daily, prayed earnestly, helped others in leading them to the Lord … on and on and on. But I am hopelessly defeated.

“I’ve often thought that I had a demon or demons in me. I have received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and even pray in tongues, but nothing happens. I don’t seem to hear from God. Has He given up on me? I’m so scared of going to hell. I don’t want to be this way. Please help me.”

Hello, Jeanie (name changed),

I am sorry to hear of your plight and your struggle. First, let me say, you are not lost. It is our faith in Christ that saves us for all eternity—not our own good works. As long as you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died on the cross for your sins, and have accepted him as your Savior, you will never be lost nor will you go to hell.

Second, you can never go it alone to rescue yourself from your addiction. You need to continue in a good recovery program for support and to help you get and stay off drugs. And I urge you to find a good Christian counselor who specializes in helping people overcome addictive behaviors.

Third, only God and your unconscious mind know the root cause/s of your addiction. So I urge you to earnestly seek God to reveal to you the truth; that is, the root cause of your problem. You will need to be willing to face this truth with all your heart because in reality you may not want to do this because it is too painful. Tell God that you are willing to be made willing to see this truth no matter how much it hurts. Also ask God to help you find the help you need to resolve your problem.

Fourth, you may also need some medical care to help you overcome the addictive side of drugs.

Fifth, it is highly unlikely that a demon is the cause of your drug addiction. True, Satan is the ultimate cause of all our failures, but when we fail to deal with and resolve them, we give him a foothold. But when we bring our problems “into the light” and resolve them, the enemy loses his foothold.

Finally, a reminder to always pray for the truth as today’s Scripture says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” So again, ask God to confront you with the truth behind your addictive behavior; that is, help you to see the root cause of your addiction—and never give up until you see it. And remember that God loves you and is with you no matter what. He loves you with an everlasting love and wants to help you overcome your problem.

Here’s a suggested prayer you could pray: “Dear God, I admit that I am a drug addict and am asking you to help me. Have mercy on me a sinner. I beg you to show me the truth of the cause behind my addiction. Please do this for me no matter how much it hurts, and please help me to find the help I need to overcome. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Note: For further help read “Overcoming Drug Dependency,” at:

http://tinyurl.com/drug-dependency.

For counseling resources see https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php

1. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

One of the biggest barriers to forgiving those who have hurt us is our unresolved hurt and anger. More often than not, where there is hurt, there is anger. Both need to be resolved.

Anger needs to be directed to its source and felt and expressed (not just talked about) in creative ways. Wherever possible it pays to express these feelings to the one who hurt us remembering always to “speak the truth in love.”² Where this isn’t appropriate or possible, we can write out our feelings as David often did in the Psalms, read out loud what we have written, and then burn or throw away the copy. Or we can express these painful feelings to a trusted friend or counselor. Whatever we do we need to express them creatively and get them off our chest once and for all. This then clears the way for forgiveness; for as long as we nurse grudges and “sit” on our anger, we can never genuinely forgive anyone.

As Paul said, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger!” Don’t sit on it. Don’t deny it. Don’t bury and don’t repress it. Express it in healthy ways. And remember, what we fail to talk out creatively we will inevitably act out destructively in one way or another. For further help read, “Taming Your Anger” at: http://tinyurl.com/b439f.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, when I feel angry, please help me to express it creatively without blaming others for my reaction. And help me always to speak the truth in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Paul, in Ephesians 4:26 (TLB)(NLT).
2. Ephesians 4:15.

Yesterday we talked about the jealous, religious bigots who wanted to do away with Jesus and brought the woman caught in the act of adultery to Jesus for his judgment. Apart from making the hypocritical accusers look like idiots, Jesus teaches us a powerful principle in dealing with sinful acts that are self-destructive (which all sin is of course).

Can you imagine how terrified this woman must have been? The punishment for adultery in her day was death by stoning. And here she was caught in a deceptive trap and brought out in public. However, the crucial principle to understand is that before Jesus told her to go and not commit adultery again, he met the basic need in her life, the lack of which was driving her into acts of sin.

This is such a profound truth—it desperately needs to be understood. Counselors tell us that many a prostitute, for example, is a woman who has been hurt deeply by her father or another significant male . . . often having been sexually abused as a child. Thus she is very angry at men because she had been violated and her own needs for loving acceptance were never met. And now, as an adult (or teenager), she is not necessarily doing this consciously, but in one way or another she is hitting back at her father (or her violator) by becoming sexually promiscuous. She also may be desperately searching for the father’s love she never received as a child and is thus looking for love in all the wrong ways and places, or she may be trying to prove to herself that she is wanted as a woman. This, of course, never works and only makes a woman feel more used and unloved for the simple reason this kind of sex is never love. (Some men do the same thing in looking for the mother’s love they never received.)

When Jesus dealt with the adulterous woman, he looked beyond her outward sinful acts and could see her damaged emotions and unmet need for loving acceptance. While he didn’t condone her sin nor condemn her for it, before telling her not to commit this sin again, Jesus first met the deep unmet need in her life—the lack of which was undoubtedly driving her into acts of sin—that is, the lack of loving acceptance. In all probability, for the very first time in her life this woman was loved and accepted by a man for whom she was—and not for what she had to offer. What Jesus did was meet her deep unmet need for a father’s love. In so doing he healed her deep father wound, delivering her from her compulsion to act out in self-destructive sinful behavior.

How unkind, how misunderstanding, and how un-Christ-like it is of me to condemn people for their acts of sin without even trying to understand the cause or causes behind their behavior, let alone trying to meet their unmet needs. Added to our sinful nature is the lack of love that drives us into so many acts of sin; only unconditional love and acceptance will ever take us out again.

Keep in mind, too, the reason Jesus was able to help this woman was because she admitted her sin and didn’t try to deny it—the total opposite of her accusers. Only those who admit their sins and faults can ever be forgiven and freed from them.*

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to admit my sins and faults and see the reasons behind my self-destructive behaviors . . . and lead me to the help I need to overcome. Also, help me to understand the same for others who admit their sins and faults, and use me to be a part of the answer in helping to meet the unmet need in their life . . . the lack of which is driving them into acts of sin. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:10-11 (NKJV).

*NOTE: Today’s Daily Encounter is adapted from I Hate Witnessing—A Handbook for Effective Christian Communications, (c) by Dick Innes (2010 edition), pp. 166-167. Available at: www.actscom.com/store

The woman being caught in the act of adultery “alone” and being brought to Jesus for his judgment is a dead giveaway of the motives of the religious bigots who brought this woman to Jesus. For instance, where was the adulterous man? Actually, the stones in their back pockets were for Jesus—not for the woman. She was merely a pawn in the game these hypocritical religious leaders were playing. They were intensely jealous of Jesus and were out to destroy him.

You can imagine these bigots gloating among themselves. “Whatever way Jesus answers, he will be dammed,” they figured. “If he says to punish her according to the law of God, we will accuse him of having no mercy. If he says to let her go free, we’ll accuse him of breaking God’s law.”

So there they stood encircling Jesus and this terrified woman. They were like a pack of hungry wolves waiting to pounce on their prey—in this case the prey being Jesus.

What did they care about the woman? Nothing.

“Now, teacher,” they sarcastically addressed Jesus, “this woman was caught committing adultery—in the very act no less. God’s law demands that such a woman be stoned to death. What is your judgment?”

Jesus ignored them. He stooped down and wrote on the ground . . . maybe, just maybe, writing the names of the men in the group who had also committed adultery? Whatever, they were persistent. So Jesus stood up and answered, “True, God’s law says she must be stoned to death. Go ahead. Stone her.”

However, after a brief silent pause, with a burning look into the eyes of every one of this woman’s accusers—a look that pierced the depths of their consciences—Jesus added, “Hold it! One condition—let the man who has never sinned cast the first stone!”

Wham!

The silence was deafening. Now more like frightened puppy dogs, the accusers tucked their hypocritical tails between their legs and got out of there as quickly as possible.

And then, Jesus, with a great heart of compassion that understood this woman’s deepest need, said, “Where are your accusers? Isn’t there anyone left to condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she replied, “they’ve all gone.”

Then Jesus made a simple but profound statement: “I don’t condemn you either. Go, and don’t commit this sin anymore.”²

To be continued.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from pointing a critical finger at others when I myself have also committed the same or a similar sin. And like you, and because of your forgiveness of me, help me to have compassion on those who admit and confess their sins. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:2-6 (NIV).
2. See John 8:1-11.

NOTE: Today’s Daily Encounter is adapted from I Hate Witnessing—A Handbook for Effective Christian Communications, (c) by Dick Innes (2010 edition), pp. 166-167. Available at: www.actscom.com/store