A Daily Encounter reader asks: “I have a friend who grieves her husband’s death. He was a Pastor. How can I comfort her?”

One of the best things we can do for grieving friends is to be there for them—to give them our presence. That is, to lend them a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on as well as to pray for them. Better still is to weep with those who weep.

This is needed at holiday times, especially so as we come into the Christmas season. Such times can be bitterly lonely for the grieving.

What our grieving friends don’t need is someone to give them advice, preach at them, or tell them they shouldn’t feel the way they feel. When we lose a loved one, we grieve deeply. The pain can be insufferable. When Jesus’ friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept. We need to do the same when we lose a loved one—and grieve/weep with our friends when they suffer loss. Rare is the friend who knows how to weep with those who weep.

Realize, too, that grieving is a process that takes time. Broken bones heal in six weeks. Broken hearts don’t. They take so much longer to heal, so always be patient and understanding with grieving friends.

However, if a friend’s grieving continues, say, for more than a year and it is obvious that they are not recovering, kindly suggest that they might consider joining a grief recovery group and/or seeing a skilled counselor to help them.

For further help, read the article, “Grief and Loss Recovery” at: http://tinyurl.com/7l5xd

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank You for the gift of tears that helps relieve our pain when we lose a loved one. Grant that all my grieving friends will know Your presence and blessing in a very special way at this time of loss and pain. And please help me to be a supporting friend and comfort to them. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:4 (NIV).

When Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, died, Jesus wept. When we experience loss and are sad, we need to do the same. When we bury and hide our grief, we hurt ourselves and distort reality. As Cecil Osborne wisely said, “Every unshed tear is a prism through which all of life’s hurts are distorted.”

In his book, Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On, Tim Dayton wrote, “If my unconscious [mind] carries a silent wound, I will always be black and blue inside. I will not be able to approach situations with open eyes for fear they will trigger that unfelt pain. The grief that I carry hidden in silence has great power over my life and my relationships…. Until I understand my grief and allow myself to know it, I will not be free of its grip.”

Loss is a part of life. Grieving these is a process, not an event. There is no quick fix. Whatever emotions are involved—which can include confusion, anxiety and even anger—need to be felt, experienced and expressed in healthy ways, as well as the deep sorrow which needs to be wept or even sobbed out. Tears are God’s gift to help drain the pain of deep grief and sorrow.

Furthermore, until I know how to weep with all my heart, I will never know how to love with all my heart either.

Jesus gives us a model to follow. And His words are true: “Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to be connected to and honest with all my emotions and learn how to express them in healthy, constructive ways. And help me to learn to grieve and mourn my losses and not be afraid to cry when I am truly sad. Thank You for the gift of tears as well as the gift of laughter. Help me to realize that both are equally important and healthy. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. Jesus (Matthew 5:4).

It struck me recently how sometimes too many of my prayers are “Give me” prayers; that is, “God, please give me this, give me that, and so on.”

It reminded me of what John Powell wrote in one of his books: “Some people treat God like a Giant Bayer’s Aspirin [pill]: ‘Take God three times a day and you won’t feel any pain.’”

Somebody else suggested that some of us treat God as if He were a giant vending machine. Put your money [prayer] in the slot, push the button for the product [whatever it is you want] and hey, presto, out it pops!

Others treat God as if He were an eternal Father-Christmas-god so that we can keep asking for and receiving personal gifts … all the things we want … all year long!

“Suggested prayer: “Dear God, today I am coming to You to listen. What can I do for You today? How can I be a part of Your plans and what You are doing in the world today? Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

P.S. Why not fill in the blank with what you think God would have you to do for Him today: __________________________.

1. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader writes: “I need help strengthening my faith to realize God will keep His promises as found in His Word in Matthew 6:25-27. ‘Too little too late’ has always been my experience so far.”

I can appreciate this person’s struggle and doubts as I’ve struggled with some of these things myself at times.

I’ve been a Christian for many years and the greatest evidence I have of God meeting my needs and leading me is as I look back over the course of my life. In doing so I stand amazed at the course my life has taken, the way God has provided through the good times and the bad, the mean times and the lean. I can truly say with the hymn writer, “Jesus led me all the way.”

Whenever I worry or am afraid, I keep praying, “God, I’m worried/afraid but I choose to trust in you.” When I do this, in time my feelings catch up with my choice to trust God.

What I believe Jesus is saying in today’s Scripture is not to be over-consumed with these issues he talks about.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to learn to trust You in every circumstance knowing that my life is in Your hands. Help me always to be responsible, but not to worry and doubt. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

For the article, “Winning Over Worry” go to: http://tinyurl.com/2mkeph

1. Jesus (Matthew 6:25-27, NIV).

June (name changed), A Daily Encounter reader, writes, “My daughter has been suffering from mental illness (schizophrenia) since she was 20. She has been on medication for 7 years. Because of her illness I took to drinking so I could get to sleep at night. Now I’m addicted to alcohol and can’t break the habit. I’ve been trying for two years to overcome but to no avail. Can you please help?”

Unfortunately this anguished mother is not alone. In a survey report from George Barna: “One out of every eight (12%) noted that they are ‘dealing with an addiction’ that personally haunts them.”²

Following is what I suggested to June: Giving up any addiction is never easy and you need to realize that you can’t overcome this kind of struggle in your own strength or by going it alone. We’re not meant to do this. The Bible teaches us to “bear one another’s burdens.” This is why you need the support of understanding “fellow strugglers” such as those in an AA (Alcohol Anonymous) support group—as well as God’s help.

Oftentimes, too, there is a deeper hidden cause behind addictions. So I suggest that you ask God if there is a deeper cause that he will reveal this to you. Also ask God to lead you to the help you need to resolve this cause as well as overcome your addiction.

I also urge you to join an AA twelve-step support group as this can be a vital part of your recovery. For Alcoholic Anonymous (and other addictive) Groups your pastor, doctor or the social services in your area should be able to tell you how to find and contact a local AA group. Or you can get information from the AA web site at http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/. For additional counseling resources go to: https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php

Whatever you do, don’t try to go it alone. We all need understanding and support at times like this. You have taken the first step by saying, “I have a problem—I need help.” The second step (if you haven’t already done this) is to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior* so you can be honest with God and pray for his help. The third step is to join an AA twelve-step support group. The Fourth step is to find and join a loving, understanding and accepting church that has support groups for struggling members. And, if necessary, the fifth step may be to seek the help of a qualified, well-trained professional counselor.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whatever problem I have, please give me the courage to admit that I have this problem (name it) and that I need help. And please lead me to the help I need to overcome so my life will bring glory to Your name. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

*NOTE. To accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and be sure you are a real Christian go to: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

1. Galatians 6:2 (NKJV).

2. Barna Research Group, http://tinyurl.com/j3p5f.

Today’s Daily Encounter is from the book, Broken Chains, by Doug Batchelor.

A naturalist visiting a farm one day was surprised to see a beautiful eagle in the farmer’s chicken coop. Befuddled, he asked, “Why in the world is that eagle living with chickens?”

“Well,” answered the farmer, “I found an abandoned eagle’s egg one day and laid it in the coop, and a chicken adopted it and raised the creature after it hatched. It doesn’t know any better; it thinks it’s a chicken.” The eagle was even pecking at grain and strutting awkwardly in circles.

“Doesn’t it ever try to fly out of there?” asked the naturalist, noticing that the bird never lifted its gaze. “No,” said the farmer, “I doubt it even knows what it means to fly.”

The naturalist asked to take the eagle a few days for experiments, and the farmer agreed. The scientist placed the eagle on a fence and pushed it off, bellowing, “Fly!” But the bird just fell to the ground and started pecking. He then climbed to the top of a hayloft and did the same thing, but the frightened bird just shrieked and fluttered ungraciously to the barnyard, where it resumed its strutting.

Finally, the naturalist took the docile bird away from the environment to which it had grown accustomed, driving to the highest butte in the county. After a lengthy and sweaty climb to the hillcrest with the bird tucked under his arm, he peered over the edge and then spoke gently: “You were born to soar. It is better that you die here today on the rocks below than live the rest of your life being a chicken. It’s not what you are.”

Then, with its keen eyesight, the confused bird spotted another eagle soaring on the currents high above the bluff, and a yearning was kindled within it. The naturalist threw the majestic beast up and over the edge, crying out, “Fly! Fly! Fly!”

The eagle began to tumble toward the rocks below, but then it opened its seven-foot span of wings and, with a mighty screech, instinctively began to flap them. Soon it was gliding gracefully, climbing in ever-higher spirals on unseen thermals into the blue sky. Eventually, the mighty eagle disappeared into the glare of the morning sun. The bird had become what it was born to be.²

Have you discovered your God-given purpose and potential—and have become or are becoming all that you were born to be?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to discover my God-given life purpose and potential and become all that You have envisioned for me to be and do. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’s name, amen.”

Note: Be sure to check You Can’t Fly With a Broken Wing at www.actscom.com/store.

1. Isaiah 40:31 (NIV).

2. Doug Batchelor, Broken Chains, Pacific Press, 2004. Cited in WITandWISDOM, Richard Wimer. http://www.witandwisdom.org/.

Earlier this evening I was reading a church-sponsored website set up to provide a safe place where people can confess their sins and failures. It was called “Sharing Secrets.”

Obviously people all over are desperate to confess their sins and failures and be rid of oppressive guilt. The number of and variety of confessions were pretty much par for the course. People shared their problems with addictions, living a double life, eating disorders, gambling, pornography, adultery, hurt, lying, stealing, relationships, illicit sex, past humiliation, regret, shame, abuse, lust, substance abuse, self-harm and so on.

My best guess is that most of these people were ordinary everyday people. There may have been some but I didn’t read of any who were involved in criminal activity. Some of these people held responsible positions; some were in leadership—including a pastor or two. The reality is we are all fellow strugglers in that we have all sinned, and when we do, we are plagued by guilt. Even if we repress the guilt from conscious memory, it will still plague us in one way or another.

As psychologists tell us, we are as sick as our secrets.

Every one of us needs a safe place to confess our sins and failures and to be fully forgiven. As King David said after confessing his sin with Bathsheba, “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you [God] and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that when I admit and confess my sins to You, You fully forgive me and set me free from guilt. Help me not to sin, but when and if I do, give me the courage to confess what I have done to You and to a safe and trusting person, pastor, priest or counselor. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).

2. Proverbs 28:13 (NASB).

It is true that our lives are significantly shaped during our early formative years and many of our character issues formed then are with us for the rest of our lives.

What if we grew up in a home that was less than wholesome or where we may have been emotionally abused if not physically abused? It’s interesting to note that where I live physical and sexual abuse of a child is justifiably considered a crime and is punishable by law with the likelihood of being sentenced to time in jail. Furthermore, if the abuse is by a parent, the child is often removed from his or her custody. Tragically, emotional abuse is not even considered a crime and, depending on the intensity, can be just as psychologically damaging as physical or sexual abuse.

As an adult, overcoming the effects of childhood abuse and love deprivation is possible but it can be very challenging. Speaking personally, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and because I felt unloved and rejected, especially by my father, for many years I felt extremely insecure and felt that I was ugly and unlovable. True, I was not responsible for my upbringing, but as an adult I realized that I was responsible for overcoming my less than wholesome background.

Besides having a lot of therapy, one of many significant things I did to resolve the effects of my impaired relationship with my father was to go to his gravesite and in my imagination I “talked to him” as if he were there with me. I said, “Dad, if you were still alive today what advice would you have for me?” The answer that came to my mind was, “Don’t let your past control your future.”

Good advice. True, I may have been a victim in the past but if I chose to remain a victim I would have become a willing volunteer.

For healthy living and loving relationships it is imperative that we resolve all our past impaired relationships and forgive all who have ever hurt us. We don’t have to remain a victim but with God’s help, and that of others where necessary, we can overcome a hurtful past and become all that God envisioned for us to be. The choice is ours. So, whatever you do don’t let your past control your future.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank You for all the good that I received from my parents and my past. Also, help me to acknowledge where I may have been abused or hurt in any way physically, emotionally or spiritually and lead me to the help I need to overcome the effects caused by these destructive experiences. In so doing may I be freed to become all that You planned for me to be. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV).

A Daily Encounter reader writes: “I am desperate for help. I recently found out that my wife was sleeping with another man. She refuses to stop seeing him, claiming that they are only friends. I am told on an almost daily basis that everything I do is not good enough, and unless I do more, we will be divorced. I don’t know how to do anything more. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, and I spend evenings helping our two oldest children with school work and problems that they have faced through the day. I teach our youngest son (he is too young for school); I am in the military reserves, manage an apartment building, and am trying to run a business….”

“Dear Keith,” [not his real name] I replied, “thank you for sharing your heart with me. Your life right now is certainly a struggle and I can certainly feel for you, but it is very important to realize that the only person you can ever change is yourself. If you try to change your wife, you will end up making things worse. However, as you change, she will be forced to change one way or the other, and there is no guarantee in which way that will be.

“Keith needs to work on Keith. First of all I strongly encourage you to pray and ask God to confront you with the truth about yourself and reveal to you what you are contributing to the relational disaster you are in. This is the starting point of all recovery. Speaking personally, I was in a very painful situation for many years. After years of therapy and things only getting worse, I literally begged God to confront me with the truth of what I was still contributing to the mess I was in. Almost overnight it became glaringly obvious just how totally co-dependent that I was in this situation. I kept protecting this person from the consequences of their destructive behavior. Once I saw the truth about myself, I knew exactly what I had to do. As Jesus said, ‘You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.’

“After you see the truth of what you are contributing to your situation, I suggest that you lovingly tell your wife that you see what you have been contributing to your marriage, and that you are not going to do this any longer. I then suggest that you go together to a highly qualified Christian counselor for therapy. If your wife refuses to do this, you need to let her lovingly know that unless she does, then you will need to distance yourself from her. Inform her that you will no longer allow her to treat you the way that she has been doing. This is tough love and in situations like yours, it is a vital need.

“If your wife refuses to go to counseling with you, then you need to get counseling to take care of yourself. This is imperative. Yes, it is expensive, but you can’t afford not to do it. For several years I worked two jobs at the same time to pay for the counseling I needed to recover from my relational sickness.

“Also, pray and ask God to help you to find the counseling help you need so you can change. If you live in North America, for the name of a fine Christian counselor call the Narramore Christian Foundation at 1-800-477-5893 and press ’1′ for Dianne. She should be able to help you with the name of a Christian counselor or two in your area.

“By the way, once you change, your wife will be forced to change in her way of treating you. She may not want you to change so will quite possibly, at least for a start, treat you even worse. That’s par for the course whenever we change our relationship patterns.

“Keep praying for the truth and once you see the truth about you and do what you need to do to recover, then you can pray to see the truth about your wife. Only following the truth will ever set you free. Once you see the overall truth, you will know what you need to do.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, my life is in chaos. Please confront me with the truth of exactly what I am doing to contribute to the mess I am in. Help me to change so that I will become the person You want me to be. And please help me to be ‘as Jesus’ to my spouse (or friend), and do what I need to do in order to resolve our situation. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. John 8:32 (NIV).

NOTE: For help you may want to read my book, You Can’t Fly With a Broken Wing. You can check it out online at: http://tinyurl.com/broken-wing-book.