Without a doubt one of the major causes of conflict in relationships is poor communications. And two of the most damaging “no-no” words in interpersonal communications are “you always” and “you never” as these are almost always false statements.

The husband who repeatedly says to his wife (or any family member), “You never do such and such, or you never do thus and so,” is almost always expressing an overstatement, and never builds a bridge for resolving the conflict at hand. Or the wife who repeatedly says to her husband (or any family member), “You always do such and such, or you always do thus and so,” is also almost always expressing an overstatement, and in so doing, builds a barrier between herself and her loved one.

This type of accusation is usually an unfair criticism from an unhappy, and sometimes angry, person who is projecting his or her own unresolved issues onto the other person.

When misunderstandings occur, it is much wiser, more creative, and more loving to express how one feels without accusing the other person for the way he or she feels. When I am upset and start a sentence with words such as, “You always …” or “You never…” I am blaming the other person for the way I feel, while in reality nobody can make me feel the way I feel without my permission.

It is important to acknowledge the fact that my feelings are always my responsibility. Furthermore, to the degree that I overreact, my feelings are always my problem. The most loving way to respond when our feelings are hurt is to start our sentence by saying, “I feel hurt …” or “I feel sad, lonely,” or whatever it is I am feeling. This way I am being honest with my emotions; am taking responsibility for them; and am not blaming the other person for the way I am feeling. By taking this approach, we have a much greater chance and opportunity for resolving the conflict or issue at hand. Remember too, that feelings are neither right nor wrong, it’s the way that we handle them that counts.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always be open and honest regarding my reactions and my emotions; never blame anyone else for the way I respond or feel; and always accept responsibility for these by communicating how I feel in an open, honest and loving way. Please help me to always be like Jesus in every situation in which I find myself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.

1. Matthew 5:37 (NKJV).

I read about one atheist who objected strongly to teaching religion in public schools. His argument was that children should be allowed to reach maturity then decide for themselves what they choose to believe.

Coleridge the poet, who heard the atheist invited him to join him in his garden which happened to be overgrown with weeds.

“What do you see?” asked Coleridge.

“It’s nothing but a patch of weeds,” replied the atheist.

“Yes,” said Coleridge, “I decided to let the garden decide for itself what it should grow.”

To leave a child without guidance would be a disaster and if we don’t want to influence his thinking, why send him to school?

To train him in the way he should go involves training in every area of life—physically, intellectually, socially, emotionally, and spiritually—so that he becomes well balanced in every area of life and a mature, healthy, interdependent adult.

This takes a lot of wisdom, guidance, and instruction. It doesn’t take care of itself. And what is the first and most effective teaching method? Modeling by example what we want our children to learn.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to model for my family the kind of person you want me to be so that they, seeing what you have done in my life, will want the same for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 22:6 (NIV).

“The glossy, coffee-table book was grandly titled, The Greatest Weddings of All Time. It featured media stars like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Prince Charles and Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda.”

As Mark Early of BreakPoint said, “Sadly, most relationships like those don’t last very long—which is probably why the book celebrates great weddings instead of great marriages.”²

Like far too many marriages, partners have little or no idea what qualities to look for in a spouse—and even more importantly—what qualities they need to have in order to find a suitable partner and to make a happy marriage.

I’ve taught in divorce and recovery groups for a number of years and over and over I hear the same question asked: “How can I find a good marriage partner?”

My answer is always the same, “By being a good marriage partner.”

The reality is that like attracts like. If I want to find a mature partner, I need to be a mature person. If I want to have a happy marriage, I need to be a happy person. Only happy, mature people have happy, mature marriages.

And why should I expect God to give me a great partner if I’m an immature, self-centered, control freak or whatever? Trust me, he won’t.

Before getting married, or to help save a poor marriage, or to make an even good marriage better, learn what it takes to make it happen. Read good books on marriage relationships.* Attend relationships and growth seminars. Join a recovery and/or growth group. Learn how to communicate effectively. Good relationships don’t happen by chance. They take knowledge, understanding, commitment, and hard work on the part of each partner so that they become healthy and mature (spiritually and emotionally) and are thus able to build a healthy and lasting marriage.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to grow in faith and love and every grace so that I will become a mature and whole person and thereby be able to build mature, loving and lasting relationships. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:2 (NIV).

2. Mark Earley, BreakPoint, June 28, 2005.

*See http://www.actscom.com/store/ for excellent book suggestions.

Ben Franklin is credited with having said the following: “For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost; being overtaken and slain by the enemy, all for the want of care about a horseshoe nail.”

Whether it’s little acts of kindness, little words of encouragement, little acts of unkindness or little acts of thoughtless deeds, little things play a big role in, and are a major part of, our lives. Their impact can far outweigh the size of the words or deeds.

Furthermore, “Men trip not on mountains, they stumble on stones.” Reminds me of a song we used to sing as kids in Sunday School,

“Oh be careful little hands what you do!

Oh be careful little hands what you do,

God is up above,

He is looking down in love,

So be careful little hands what you do.”

That song may sound silly, but it isn’t.

When addressing the chapel audience at Milligan College (Tenn.) social activist, Tony Campolo, after singing this song (with hand motions and all) shouted, “That song! That song ruined my dating life. You know, I’d be out there in a car and just when I’m ready to make the move, this voice from heaven says, ‘Be careful little hands, what you do.’”²

Remember it’s the little “foxes that spoil the grapes,” and it’s the little acts of kindness and love that enrich our own lives as well as the lives of those we touch.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me always to remember that it’s the everyday ‘little things’ that, added together, form the character and value (or otherwise) of my life. Help me to also remember the children’s song: ‘Be careful little hands’ (and tongue) what you do and say. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Song of Solomon 2:15 (NASB).

2. Cited on Terry Mattingly On Religion, http://tmatt.gospelcom.net/column/1999/03/03/.

J.M. writes, “Would you please send me some advice on how to help my daughter turn her life around and embrace God. I have been praying for two years that God would bring positive friends and circumstances into her life to help her get interested in school and positive activities, but each time I try to help her, the doors keep closing! Thanks for any advice you may send.”

Dear J.M., not always, but sometimes the best way to pray for our kids is to ask God to change us. The reality is that we can’t change anyone other than ourselves and as we change, others are pretty much forced to change in response—one way or the other. Some people don’t want us to change because it upsets the games they play. However, having said that, realize that the art of all effective communication is “show me—don’t tell me.”

So ask God to help you to show your daughter by example the value in putting God first in her life. Every day ask God to help you to be “as Jesus” to her and that she, seeing Jesus in you, will in time want Jesus in her life too. Never give up praying the following prayer. I pray it every day regarding my loved ones and also try, in some way, to be “as Jesus” to every life I touch.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be ‘as Jesus,’ especially to my loved ones and in some way to every life I touch today and every day and grant that they, seeing Jesus in me, will want the same for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:16 (NIV).

“Fathers, do not exasperate [provoke to anger] your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”¹

Many years ago a small Jewish boy asked his father, “Why must we surrender our Jewish faith and start to attend Lutheran services here in Germany?”

The father replied, “Son, we must abandon our faith so that people will accept us and support our business adventures!”

The young lad never got over his disappointment and bitterness. His faith in his father and in his religion were crushed. When the lad left Germany he went to England to study at the British Museum where he formed his philosophies for life. From those intensive investigations he wrote a book that changed the world called, The Communist Manifesto.

From that book one-third of the world fell under the spell of Marxist-Leninist ideology. The name of that little boy was Karl Marx. He influenced billions into a stream that for 70 years ruined, imprisoned and confused many lives. Today, that system of thinking is crumbling, but only after people got a good look at its tragic consequences. The influence of this father’s hypocrisy multiplied in infamy. Without godly faith, all of us are subject to distortions in our perspectives.²

As Pope John XXIII said, “It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.”

On the positive side of the coin, however, Mario Cuomo, the famous former Italian governor of New York, said, “I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work fifteen and sixteen hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example.”

Jim Valvano said, “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”

Speaking personally, my father had his struggles, was misunderstood by many (including myself), but he gave me what I believe was the greatest gift any child could ever receive—he took me to a church where I learned about God and His plan of eternal salvation through Jesus Christ my Lord.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, as a father [parent] please help me to so live that my children, seeing the example I set in following your ways and modeling what a real Christian should be, will want to follow my example to follow you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV).

2. Paul J. Fritz. Cited on http://www.bible.org/illus.asp?topic_id=2

Many readers will be familiar with the song made popular by Barbara Streisand, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” She’s right of course.

Jesus was very definitely a people person. He was a friend to and of sinners and ordinary people alike. True, he needed space at times to be alone with God, but he always came back to be with people. He rarely, if ever, ministered alone (except for going to the cross which he alone could do for us). And he relaxed with friends, both male and female.

We all need some close, supportive friends. “Bear one another’s burdens” and “love one another” is at the very heart of Christianity.

Make time to develop and maintain close friendships. In a day of trouble you will need them. You will also need them in good days. We were created for relationships and can only live healthy lives when we are in healthy relationships.

A poet wrote:

I went out to find a friend,

But could not find one there.

I went out to be a friend,

And friends were everywhere.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me first of all to be a loving friend and then find loving friends to be with. And thank you that you are a friend of sinners, such as I. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (TLB)(NLT).

Psychologists tell us that half the adult population is still harboring unresolved negative feelings towards their parents. They also warn us that until these relationships with our family of origin are resolved (and with any other significant person), we can never fully cultivate any other loving and healthy relationship. Unresolved conflicts from the past contaminate every relationship we have in the present. They can and do also seriously affect our physical and spiritual well-being.

Sometimes reconciliation isn’t possible because that is dependent on both parties. However, it is imperative that we take care of our side of any conflict and resolve any feelings of hurt and anger we might have so we can genuinely forgive any and all who have hurt us. To fail to forgive keeps us bound by the past. And as noted before, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

It’s not without good reason that Jesus taught us the need to forgive even our enemies even to seventy-times-seven (meaning endlessly). He also said that if you come to God and there remember you have an impaired relationship with a brother or sister, leave your gift for God for the time being and do everything in your power to resolve that relationship.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please confront me with the reality of any significant impaired relationship that I have—and give me the courage to do what I need to do to resolve my part in this conflict. And help me to forgive any and all who have ever hurt me so that I am freed to fully live and fully love—and to experience the depth of your forgiveness. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV).

Yesterday, according to Dr. Stinnett’s research, we shared the first three characteristics that make a family successful and strong. They were as follows: commitment, spending time together, and effective communications. Today we discuss the other three characteristics.

FOURTH, strong families express appreciation to one another. Another common complaint I hear from husbands and wives is this: “I feel taken for granted and don’t feel appreciated.” I am sure, too, that many children feel the same.

It is so easy to say, “Thank you. I really appreciate your washing and ironing my shirts, cooking my meals, mowing the yard, cleaning up your room, leaving the bathroom tidy, taking out the garbage, bringing home the paycheck—but most of all I appreciate you just because you’re you.”

FIFTH, happy families are able to solve problems in a crisis. Mature people know that crises come to every family simply because we live in an imperfect world. And while crises often drive weaker families apart, they draw stronger families together and help make them stronger. The strong may bend under a crisis but not break, and they always bounce back.

SIXTH, successful families have a strong spiritual commitment. Stinnett’s research “found that strong families have a high degree of religious orientation and commitment. Not all belong to organized churches, but most do. They all consider themselves to be highly committed to their spiritual lives.”²

A study conducted by sociologist Steven Nock of the University of Virginia supports this conclusion. His study showed that couples who attend church regularly are 42 percent more likely to be married for the first time, and those in the church who were strongly committed to its beliefs had a 23 percent better chance of having a “very happy” marriage than those who don’t go to church.

People then who have happy marriages and strong families are those who are committed to making their families strong. They work hard at communicating effectively. They spend time together. They express love and appreciation. They accept crises as normal and know how to work through them, and above all they trust in God and apply their faith to everyday living.

Would you like to have a happier and stronger family? You can. A good place to start is by taking your family and/or yourself to a church or chapel this week where family living is honored and held in very high respect.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you again for the family which you have given for the benefit of all mankind. Help me to live in harmony with your will and make healthy family living one of my top priorities. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 3:20 (NIV).

2. Rekers, George, Ed., Family Building: Six Qualities of a Strong Family (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1985), p. 43. Logos Research Institute, Inc.

Being concerned with what makes families healthy, Dr. Stinnett led a major international research project to learn the secrets of strong families. His studies included strong black, white, ethnic, and single-parent families in North America, South America, Switzerland, Austria, Germany and South Africa.

Dr. Stinnett’s findings were discussed at a national forum held in Washington, D.C., where family specialists and leaders from various sectors of society gathered specifically to determine exactly what it was that made families strong. The content of these discussions is presented in the excellent book edited by Dr. George Rekers and titled, Family Building: Six Qualities of a Strong Family.

In the study led by Dr. Stinnett, 3,000 families were interviewed. Each one, regardless of its background, rated very high on marriage happiness and in their satisfaction with parent-child relationships. A considerable amount of information was collected, but, according to Dr. Stinnett, when thoroughly analyzed it boiled down to six major qualities.²

The research also showed that these qualities just didn’t happen. People made them happen. They are the result of “deliberate intention and practice.”

What then are these SIX CHARACTERISTICS that make a family successful and strong?

FIRST, strong families are committed to making the family work. Family members don’t expect perfection from one another. They accept one another as they are, and accept responsibilities and work together as a team.

Their commitment goes far beyond feelings. Feelings are important and are integrated, but they come and go. They are variable. Commitment is constant. It is an act of the will. In other words, if we want a strong, happy family, we need to be committed to making it happen.

SECOND, happy families spend time together, not only quality time but quantity time. They work, they plan, they struggle, and they play together. This is much easier said than done, but done it must be if we want strong families.

THIRD, successful families have effective communications. The major complaint I hear, especially from wives on both sides of the Pacific, is a variation on the theme, “My husband doesn’t understand my feelings nor does he share his.”

To communicate effectively, each family member needs to be encouraged to express not only his or her thoughts, ideas, and opinions, but also his or her feelings in constructive ways and have them accepted. Without this there can be no intimacy and families end up as strangers living together alone.

To be concluded …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that the family is a vital part of your design for all mankind so that people can live healthier and happier lives. May all who would seek to destroy the family as you designed it fail miserably in their attempts. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Joshua 24:15 (NIV).

2. Rekers, George, Ed., Family Building: Six Qualities of a Strong Family (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1985), pp. 38. © Logos Research Institute, Inc.