I once asked a class I was teaching, “What would you say was the Christian’s number one sin?” to which a jokester replied, “Apathy, but who cares?” And as the old saying goes, “Many a true word spoken in jest.”

“In the book The Screwtape Letters, by C. S. Lewis, a devil briefs his demon nephew, Wormwood, in a series of letters on the subtleties and techniques of tempting people. In his writings, the devil says that the objective is not to make people wicked but to make them indifferent. This higher devil cautions Wormwood that he must keep the patient comfortable at all costs. If he should start thinking about anything of importance, encourage him to think about his luncheon plans and not to worry so much because it could cause indigestion. And then the devil gives this instruction to his nephew: ‘I, the devil, will always see to it that there are bad people. Your job, my dear Wormwood, is to provide me with people who do not care.’”²

The opposite of love is not hate. It’s apathy or indifference that is practiced by people who don’t care enough to care. The fact is that “people don’t care what we know until they know how much we care.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me a loving heart so that I will truly care about others and care enough to share the love of Jesus in some way with all those you bring into my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 4:12 (NIV).

2. From http://www.sermonillustrations.com quoted by Dan Vellinga, “What Would You Do?” (sermon).

“How many feel they would like to have more love in their life?” is a question I have asked many times to seminar attendees. Many, if not most, hands are raised. When I ask the same folk how many feel all of their love needs are being met, very few hands are raised.

Some years ago there was a popular song by Jackie Deshannon that stated, “What the world needs now is love / Sweet love / It’s the only thing / That there’s just too little of / What the world needs now / Is love, sweet love / No, not just for some / But for everyone.”

Those words still ring true because so many of our human problems are caused by a breakdown or failure in love. And when I ask people how we get more love in our life, inevitably almost all say by giving love. Sounds good, but that isn’t always true because we can’t give what we don’t have. In fact, unless I have learned to love and accept myself in a healthy way, I am not able to love or accept anyone else in a healthy way. My love will be contaminated by need.

Thus, love is an action/feeling to be learned. We didn’t come into the world knowing how to love—only with the ability to learn how to love. So how do we learn to love? John stated that we love God because he first loved us. The same principle holds true for human love. We love others because others (or another) first loved us. If they didn’t, and we didn’t receive sufficient unconditional love as a child and learned how to love then, we need to receive it now and learn how to love maturely now.

Furthermore, I can only be fully loved to the degree that I am known. Thus, the way we grow in and learn to love is by becoming vulnerable and allowing at least one or two safe, accepting, and non-judgmental persons see and know us as we really are—warts and all. And as they love and accept us as we are, little by little we learn to love and accept ourselves. And as we learn to love and accept ourselves, we are then freed both to give and receive love without strings attached. But as long as we hide our inner or secret self (our dark side) behind any kind of a mask (no matter how sophisticated that mask may be), we will never feel fully loved, nor will we be able to fully love. I repeat … we can only ever feel fully loved to the degree that we are fully known.

Risky? Yes. But not to learn to love is the greatest risk of all.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to find a loving, safe, nonjudgmental, accepting person that I can trust, so I can share my total self with this person and be truly accepted and loved by this person for who I am (and not for what I do or don’t do), so that I, in turn, can learn to accept and love others more fully. And help me to experience your love more and more so that I will also be able to love others more and more. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 4:19.

I recently received an email in French requesting a copy of the “Ten Commendments.” As I can’t read French, I used the Google online translator to read this person’s request. When translating online, sometimes the words can come out rather funny. For instance, when I asked Google to translate, “The cat sat on the mat” into French it read, “Le chat s’est reposé sur la natte.” But when I asked Google to translate this back into English it read, “The cat rested on the plait.” And then when I checked the word “plait” in my computer Thesaurus it said, “ponytail.” So “The cat sat on the mat” ended up as “The cat rested on the ponytail.”

Jokes aside, it’s understandable that this can happen when translating online from one language to another, but the same thing happens very easily when communicating in person in the same language—especially between parents and children, husbands and wives.

Effective communication should be one of many “commendments” because so many misunderstandings and broken relationships are caused by mis-communications and/or misunderstood communications.

One of the challenges in communication is that we see and hear things, and will even read into things, on the basis of how we feel about ourselves, and on the bases of unresolved issues from past significant relationships.

If I am a very insecure, super-sensitive person, the slightest negative comment can send me into an emotional tailspin. Furthermore, if I didn’t get along with my mother [or father, sister, or brother], and you say or do something that reminds me of my mother, it’s going to push my “mother [or whichever] button” and I will overreact way out of proportion to what you said or did. And you are going to be left wondering what on earth is happening to me. Then we get into the battle of: “You said” … “did not.” “Yes you did”… “No I didn’t” … “Did” … “Didn’t….” And the vicious cycle continues and escalates.

As healthy relationships are vital to healthy living, learning to communicate effectively needs to be a top priority. There are many helpful tips on how we can learn to do this besides learning to hear what is not being said, but the bottom line is that we need to resolve all past impaired significant relationships so our hot buttons don’t get pushed, and that we grow in maturity so we overcome our insecurities.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see and resolve any and all impaired relationships and grow in maturity so that I can learn to love and accept myself in a healthy manner and not overreact to what others say or do to me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:37 (NIV).

“There’s a wonderful scene near the end of the movie ‘My Fair Lady’ in which Eliza Doolittle sings words that God must also sing. She says, ‘Words! Words! Words! I’m so sick of words…. If you’re in love, Show me!’”²

The reality is that words have power. However, if personal and are spoken only from the head and not the heart, they are meaningless. Or if they are used to impress, flatter, manipulate, or don’t mean a thing to the one who speaks them, they can be worse than useless.

It’s the same with our Christian witness. If we say we are a believer in Jesus Christ and don’t act accordingly, what does it mean? It means nothing.

I recall seeing a poster on the wall of the office where I attended college. It read:

The living truth is what I long to see,

I cannot live on what used to be,

So close your Bible and show me how

The Christ you talk about is living now.

As Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”³

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be a man/woman of my word in that I always do what I say I will do, and always live so my actions, which speak so much louder than my words, will always bring glory to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 1:22 (NKJV).

2. Richard Drake, “Authorized Personnel” (sermon) .

3. Matthew 5:16 (NKJV).

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “What is real love? It seems to me that some people who don’t claim to be Christians are more loving and non-judgmental than some Christians I know.”

Dear Sharon (name changed), unfortunately, just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn’t mean that they are a real or an emotionally mature person. It is also true that some non-Christians are more loving and non-judgmental than some Christians because they are more emotionally mature. However, it is important not to determine what love is by human standards but by God’s standards.

The best definition of real love is found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13. It probably would be wise for all of us, including myself, to memorize this entire chapter so it becomes a vital part of our inner belief system. This would definitely help us to act in a loving manner.

As God’s Word says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”²

Thus real love is unconditional; that is, it is love without strings attached. It doesn’t have hidden motives for loving someone. When one gives love it is always gratifying if that love is returned, but real love loves regardless of the response of the other. It always has the other’s best interest at heart—and this sometimes calls for tough love.

The Apostle Paul also noted in this masterpiece on love, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”³ In other words, real love is the fruit, perhaps the highest fruit, of both emotional and spiritual maturity. So to grow in love we need to keep growing in both emotional and spiritual maturity.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to keep growing in spiritual and emotional maturity so that my life will always—in all circumstances—reflect the heart of a truly loving person and therein bring glory to your name. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV).

2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV).

3. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV).

The first connection every child has is with mother. It starts in the womb and as the newborn child is in his or her mother’s arms (and especially on her breasts) that connection or bonding is reinforced. Unfortunately, the child who doesn’t have healthy bonding in those early years is being programmed for life-long problems unless he goes through recovery. If the child feels no bonding at all, he can die.

Connection and bonding in loving relationships are essential for our entire lifetime. We cannot live healthily without this kind of relationships. As counselors tell us, we cannot not be bonded. Thus, if we are not bonded in healthy ways to healthy people, we will be bonded in unhealthy ways. For example, some people stay in very unhealthy and toxic relationships for fear of being isolated and not connected to someone. Others, if not bonded to people, may be bonded to their work, gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, or material possessions and so on.

Healthy bonding needs to be a priority of every individual and should be available in every family and every church. If you can’t find it where you are, look for a healthy church where you can get connected in an open, honest, support group. Or find it with some open, non-judgmental healthy friends. If necessary, find it in a recovery or twelve-step group. Healthy bonding and connection to healthy people is essential for healthy, wholesome, and meaningful living.

As the Bible reminds us, the company we keep affects our life.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to find at least one safe soul-brother/sister with whom I can be totally open and honest, connected, and bonded in a healthy way, and in so doing help me to stay connected and bonded to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV).

When President Gerald Ford was in office, he was on one occasion visited in the White House by Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. When the Ford’s son, Jack, was dressing for a formal dinner with the queen and prince, he couldn’t find the studs for his shirt so he rushed into his father’s bedroom to see if he could borrow some.

He ran into the elevator with his shirt unbuttoned and hanging out and his hair disheveled—too late to discover that somebody else was already in the elevator. It was his parents with their guests, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

Mrs. Ford, feeling awkward, introduced Jack to their distinguished visitors. Sensing Mrs. Ford’s embarrassment, the queen remarked sympathetically, “I have one just like that!”

I used to have one at home something like that too. In time, I learned to keep his door closed and my mouth shut! Sometimes it’s what we don’t say that can say the most and be the most tactful.

Tact and kindness are great gifts to use every day. Indeed, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to guard my tongue and learn to say the right thing at the right time, for the right reason, in the right way, with the right motive. Help me, too, to know when to seal my lips and keep my mouth shut. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 25:11 (NKJV).

Some time ago “former Tyco executive Dennis Kozlowski walked out of a Manhattan courtroom and into a swarm of photographers. He had just been convicted on multiple counts of looting Tyco of hundreds of millions of dollars.

As Chuck Colson wrote, “I have an idea that at the peak of Kozlowski’s wealth and fame, he found his life empty and meaningless. I did when I rose to great heights of political power. According to researchers … a growing body of data points to the conclusion that the amount of money accumulated above middle-class comfort level has no impact on our happiness. They found instead that it’s social interaction and friendships that give us lasting pleasure in life.”²

Amazing isn’t it? Modern research is now agreeing with what Jesus taught 2,000 years ago. Furthermore, God’s Word repeatedly emphasizes the importance of relationships. One of the first things Jesus did at the very beginning of his earthly ministry was to choose the twelve disciples “that they might be with him.” He reminded his friend, Martha, that it was more important to relate to him—in the way that her sister, Mary, was doing—than it was to work for him—as important as that was. A new commandment that Jesus gave all his followers was to “love one another.”

Jesus also pointed out that when we come with an offering for God and remember that we have an impaired significant relationship, we are to first resolve that relationship and then bring our gift to God.

It has been claimed that 80 percent of life’s satisfaction comes from satisfactory relationships. For happiness, yes we do need to have our basic needs met, and there’s nothing wrong with wealth if it is gained honestly and used purposely with healthy motives; but of far greater importance is that we not only find peace with God, but also peace with others by forgiving all who have hurt us, and resolving every impaired relationship as far as is humanly possible.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, while not neglecting my work and responsibilities, please help me to sort out my priorities and develop and maintain healthy relationships, first with my family, then with friends, and also with strangers whom you bring into my life. And above all, please help me to love you with all my heart, and always put my relationship to you first in everything I am and do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 12:15 (NIV).

2. Chuck Colson in Breakpoint, July 19, 2005.

“According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a father’s involvement with a child increases the child’s IQ, the child’s motivation to learn, and the child’s self-confidence. In addition, children with involved dads are more likely to develop a sense of humor as well as an ‘inner excitement.’”²

Interesting too, that Dr. Frank Minirth reports how one “survey revealed how children are learning their values: 43 percent by parents, 38 percent by television, 8 percent by peers, and 6 percent by teachers.”³

Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their fathers and you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lays the secret of so much of our relational and emotional distress. The father-wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt close to or loved by our father. And that wound desperately needs to be healed. (The same principle also applies to women who carry a deep father-wound.)

Speaking personally, from early childhood I started looking for love in the wrong places in a vain attempt to fill the empty vacuum caused by my emotionally absentee father. For example, for many years starting in my youth, I looked for love in the things I did, like making beautiful things including a dream home. Then I majored in words and wrote books and poems. I learned to move a group to tears, make them laugh hilariously and inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these things ever made me feel loved.

Unfortunately, no mother, wife or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for a time, but she can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does, he may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her, but because of him. When his passion subsides, he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own loneliness and emptiness.

And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman … and another … to prove to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll deaden the pain through alcohol, drugs or addictive behaviors and eventually ruin his health, get cancer, die of a heart attack, never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships. That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places for the father-love (and/or mother-love) he never received as a child.

To fathers I trust today’s Daily Encounter will help you realize the importance of investing your very soul and becoming emotionally and spiritually involved in the lives of your children. And those of us who have a father-wound, let us stop our crazy ways of making attempts to deaden the pain of our inner emptiness, admit the real need of our heart and soul, and seek the help of God and a trusted counselor (if necessary) to find healing for our father-wound.

NOTE: For additional help, see the complete article, “Healing a Man’s Father Wound,” at http://tinyurl.com/father-wound.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, (for those of us who are parents—especially fathers) please help me to be the father you planned for me to be to my children. Help me always to be as Christ to them, and may they grow up knowing that they are very much loved by me as well as you. And (for all of us who have a deep father-wound), please help me to face my wound and lead me to the help I need for healing and recovery so that I may become the family man and man of God you planned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV).

2. Source: Victor Parachin, “The Fine Art of Good Fathering,” Herald of Holiness, February 1995, pp. 32-33.

3. Dr. Frank Minirth, “Withstanding the Tides of Change,” Today’s Better Life, p. 52.