Lee Strobel tells about a mother from Costa Mesa, California, who told about the day her three-year old son was on her heels wherever she went. She was having trouble doing her routine chores.

“Whenever I stopped to do something and turned back around I would trip over him,” she said. “Several times I suggested fun activities to keep him occupied, but he would just smile and say, ‘That’s alright Mommy I’d rather be in here with you.’ He continued to follow me and after the fifth trip, my patience wore thin and I asked him why he was following me constantly.”

He said, “My Sunday school teacher told me to walk in Jesus’ footsteps but I can’t see him so I’m walking in yours.”

The greatest way we can teach our children about—and show our loved ones—the love of Jesus is through the example of how we live, and how we model his love in our everyday life.

As another has said, “We raise not the children we want but the children that we the parents are.”

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to so live that people, especially my children (and loved ones), will see Jesus in me, and will also want to follow in my footsteps and have Jesus in their life too. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 11:1 (KJV).

Sixth, the next point in resolving conflict is: stick to the subject at hand. Oh boy, when people stuff their negative feelings and sit on their hurt and anger, look out! They will eventually either implode (turn their emotions inward and get sick), or explode. And it may be the “smallest” little thing that triggers the explosion, so beware. They may also go back to unresolved grievances from decades ago! To resolve conflicts, it is imperative to deal only with the issue at hand. Period! Other unresolved issues can and need to be discussed at a different time.

Seventh, give up the right to always be right. People who have a compulsion to always be right tend to be insecure and immature. Be willing to say, “I was wrong. I apologize.” As the Apostle Paul points out, we are not only to speak the truth in love but also to grow up and mature in all areas of our Christian life.⁸ That includes humility and respect for others and their viewpoints.

Eighth, as the Bible also teaches, “If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil.”⁹ That means we should resolve conflicts and angry feelings as quickly as possible. When we resolve to do this, the devil loses his foothold.

Ninth, speak softly. Most of us tend to raise our voices when we are upset. Research has shown that one effective way to handle yellers is to speak softly. This tends to make them lean forward and speak more softly so they can hear what you are saying. Yelling begets yelling! As Michel de Montaigne said, “He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak.” The Bible says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.”¹⁰

Tenth, pray. Pray first about yourself. One of the most powerful prayers I ever learned to pray was when I was at wits’ end in a seemingly never-ending conflict. In utter frustration I literally begged God to face me with the truth of what I was contributing to this seemingly impossible situation in which I found myself. Within two weeks I saw my hopeless co-dependency (even though I hadn’t even heard of the word at the time).

Once I saw the reality of what I was contributing, I knew exactly what I could and needed to do in order to resolve my part in the conflict. I wish I had learned to pray this prayer years before—even in Sunday School. Had I done so, I could have saved myself years of needless pain and frustration.

Finally, pray together. When two people are willing to face the truth about themselves, accept responsibility for their part in the conflict, and pray accordingly, there are not too many conflicts that can’t be resolved. Remember, “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”¹¹

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in every conflict situation in which I find myself please help me to see exactly what I am contributing—whether it be positive or negative—and always take responsibility for what I think, feel, say and do. And help me to learn to be Christ-like at all times and always speak the truth in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

6. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV).

7. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT).

8. Ephesians 4:15 (NASB).

9. Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB)(NLT).

10. Proverbs 15:1 (TLB)(NLT).

11. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

Author John Powell expressed this attitude poignantly when he said, “We defend our dishonesty [denying and not sharing our true feelings] on the grounds that it may hurt another person, and then, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships.”³

Fourth, in continuing our series on resolving conflict the fourth point is to use “I” messages. That is, instead of saying, “You make me mad,” or “You really hurt my feelings,” say words to this effect. “When you say (or do) things like thus and so, I feel hurt and/or angry, and I need to talk to you about it.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings and avoid blaming others. Many of us are like the lawyer in the Bible who, “wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbor?’”⁴ This was when Jesus told him that the greatest commandment was to love God and your neighbor as yourself.

Blaming others blocks resolution. As difficult as it may be, I need to admit that nobody hurts my feelings or makes me angry without my permission. As counselor Dr. Narramore puts it, “The other person is responsible for their action. We are responsible for our reaction!”

For instance, if I had a perfect self-concept—which I don’t have—my feelings would rarely be hurt. What the other person said or did wouldn’t upset me. But if I feel inferior or have low self-esteem, I will be easily wounded and/or angered. To the degree I overreact, however, that is always my problem. The other person has simply triggered my unresolved emotions.

Overreactions happen when unresolved issues or wounds from our past are triggered. The more I have resolved my issues from the past, the less I will overreact when negative things happen to me. This isn’t to say that we won’t ever get our feelings hurt or that we shouldn’t feel angry at times, but we need to learn how to respond in the right manner … at the right time … in the right proportion to what has happened, not in proportion to our hypersensitivity.

Fifth, working with several hundred divorced people over the past decade or two, I have found that many divorcees primarily blame their former spouse for the failure of their marriage without taking a serious look at what they contributed. Conflicts can only be resolved when both parties acknowledge their contribution to the problem or misunderstanding. Yes, it is true that some people are belligerent, dogmatic, and abusive. Even the Bible implies that some people are impossible to get along with.⁵ But even then there is something we can do. It may be standing up for ourselves—that is, overcoming our overly passive or overly dependent, or super-sensitive style by saying to an angry, abusive person words to the effect that if they continue to treat you in this manner, you will have to distance yourself from them. And, if you make this statement, you need to stand by your words and do what you say you will do. And also assure this person that your door will always be open should they choose to stop being abusive. In these situations tough love is needed; for as long as we allow ourselves to be abused, we are a part of the problem. In every situation there is always some responsibility we can exercise.

To be concluded …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in every conflict situation please help me to be non-defensive, quit playing the blame-game, and see how in any way I might be overreacting and use this as a motivation to grow and become a more loving, understanding and mature adult. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

2. Luke 10:29 (NIV).

3. John Powell, Why I Am Afraid to Tell You Who I Am, Argus Communications.

4. Luke 10:29 (NKJV).

5. Romans 12:18 (NIV).

I recall hearing the pastor of a large church, when celebrating his twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, declare that he and his wife had never had a conflict. I didn’t believe him. Wherever there are two people, there will always be some conflict, misunderstanding, or difference of opinion at one time or another. About the only way to live without ever having a conflict is to live in isolation as a hermit, or have one partner become a doormat who chooses “peace at any price,” but this is not conflict free. The conflict/s have just gone underground and hidden from view.

Handled creatively, conflicts and disagreements can lead to growth and increased mutual understanding. But to make differences of opinions productive, we need to learn to disagree agreeably, and to value the other person’s perspective in the process. So how do we do this?

First, and foremost, listen…listen…listen—not only with our ears, but even more so with our hearts. We need to hear what other people are really saying—not just what we think they are saying. We need to listen to their feelings as well as their thoughts. Good communication and conflict resolution requires listening beneath the other person’s words to their sometimes hidden emotions and unspoken needs or wishes.

Careful listening ensures that we won’t distort what the other person is trying to say. This is necessary because we each tend to interpret messages through our own lenses. If we are extremely sensitive to criticism, for example, we may interpret our spouse’s potentially helpful suggestion as a criticism. The more our seeing and hearing “lenses” are distorted by our personal unresolved problems, the more likely we are to twist the messages people are giving us to make them match our perception of reality.

Second, always strive to speak the truth in love. Remember that “grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.”² We, too, need to precede truth with grace; that is, to always give loving, gracious acceptance. Some of us are long at speaking the truth but short on listening and short on loving. Unless we speak from a point of sensitive caring, people will not feel safe enough to share openly with us. Consequently, they may hide their true feelings, or become angry or defensive. Unless both parties can share their thoughts—and more so their genuine feelings—there can be no resolution.

Third, we need to be aware of our own true thoughts and feelings. If we feel angry, for example, it will be important to acknowledge our anger. But we should also be aware of what feelings and thoughts lay beneath our anger. Anger, for example, often covers anxiety or fear. Instead of being aware of our fear, we get angry. That feels safer. Not acknowledging this only makes matters worse.

At other times we use anger to stop others from getting close to us because we fear intimacy. Equally destructive, we deny our feelings altogether and pretend to be something we are not. Each of these reactions prevents conflict resolution. Unresolved conflicts create resentment, and festering resentment destroys many relationships.

To be continued ….

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I am in a conflict situation, please give me a listening and understanding heart so I will always hear and give consideration to the others person’s point of view, and not be deafened by my own need to defend myself nor blinded by my own self-interest. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:18 (NIV).

2. John 1:17.

The following description of a friend came from an English magazine: “A true friend is one who has the courage to disagree with us when [we are] in the wrong, and advise us for our own good, rather than let his sympathy or sentimentality cause him to agree.”

Charles Spurgeon once said, “Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.”

Samuel Johnston said, “We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is that last drop which makes it run over, so in a series of kindnesses, there is at least one that makes the heart run over.”

And Dr. Alfred Adler, internationally known psychiatrist, based the following conclusions on a careful analysis of thousands of clients: “The most important task imposed by religion has always been, ‘Love thy neighbor….’ It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury on others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

Oh the priceless value of having at least one deep abiding friendship. Thank God for the gift of friendship.

Suggested prayer: “And thank you God for Jesus—the friend of sinners. Help me also to be a friend to fellow sinners and spread your love and forgiveness everywhere I go. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

Many ask the question, does God choose our life partner or is it up to us to make our own choice? My answer is “yes” and “no” in that God will give us wisdom and guidance if we seek it, but we are responsible for choosing the one we marry—at least this is so in Western culture.

There are a few country and western songs that I really like, one of which is by Tracy Byrd. It’s “The Keeper of the Stars.” Tracy (in my mind at least) is referring to God even if his theological terminology doesn’t come out of a seminary course.

In his song Tracy says:

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew

Now I just can’t believe you’re in my life

Heaven’s smilin’ down on me

As I look at you tonight.

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars

He sure knew what he was doin’

When he joined these two hearts

I hold everything

When I hold you in my arms

I’ve got all I’ll ever need

Thanks to the keeper of the stars.

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew.²

The someone Tracy is referring to, in his words, is the “Keeper of the stars.”

This is how I feel towards Joy, my wife—who has indeed helped make my life Joy-full. I also feel like “heaven’s smilin’ down on me.”

Some would argue that finding a wife or husband for them has not been a good experience. In fact, it’s been the opposite. What few fail to realize, however, is that no matter what kind of person we married, there were reasons in us why we were attracted to that person in the first place. And if we will take a long hard honest look at what we contributed to the failure of our marriage, God will use this to help us grow and become a much healthier person. And that’s a good thing. The fact is that only emotionally healthy happy people find healthy happy partners, and have healthy happy marriages.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you want me to become whole in every area of life so that I can enjoy and appreciate the abundant life of love, joy and peace (you promised your followers), and to find loving relationships. Please help me so to grow and become whole. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 18:22 (NIV).

2. Tracy Byrd, “Keeper of the Stars.” http://tracybyrd.musiccitynetworks.com/ Copyright. Used by permission.

I took a piece of plastic clay

And idly fashioned it one day;

And as my fingers pressed it still,

It moved and yielded at my will.

I came again when days were past,

The form I gave it still it bore,

And as my fingers pressed it still,

I could change that form no more.

I took a piece of living clay,

And gently formed it day by day,

And molded with my power and art,

A young child’s soft and yielding heart.

I came again when days were gone;

It was a man I looked upon,

He still that early impress bore,

And I could change it never more.

– The Bible Friend

Basically, we raise not necessarily the children we want, but more so the children that we the parents are. Therefore, one of the greatest gifts that we parents can give to our children, after showing them the way to Jesus, is to model the kind of person that God wants us to be so that they, seeing that in us, will want the same for themselves.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to model for my children the kind of person you want me to be so that my children will see you in me and want the same for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 1:8-9 (NIV).

Mark Early in BreakPoint shares “why Miriam Weinstein’s new book, The Surprising Power of Family Meals, is so valuable” for family health and quality living—especially for the children.

“As other authors have done, Weinstein tells us fewer and fewer families are taking the time to eat dinner together. Then she delves into the reasons why we should eat with our families, looking at various studies on the benefits of family dinners. Believe it or not, researchers have carefully studied dinnertime—from the kind of conversation that goes on around the table, to the lifelong effect that regular mealtimes have on children’s eating habits.

“The research indicates that many young adults with eating disorders never had a regular dinnertime when they were growing up. They literally never learned how to eat a proper meal.

“Weinstein tells us that when the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse studied ways to keep kids from destructive behaviors, family dinners were ‘more important than church attendance, more important even than grades at school.’ The Center has repeated that study several times since then, ‘and every year, eating supper [dinner] together regularly as a family tops the list of variables that are within our control.’

“The point is family meals aren’t just about food. As Weinstein puts it, ‘Supper is about nourishment of all kinds.’ That includes physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual nourishment.”²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help us to make eating time in our home a time that will always produce warm memories for all our children, and by all who dine with us. Please help us to make our home a house of blessing to all who enter therein. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Deuteronomy 4:9-10 (NIV).

2. Mark Earley in BreakPoint, November 22, 2005. www.BreakPoint.org.

Every February, throughout the Western World (at least), romantic greeting cards, flowers, and specially packaged candy are given to our loved one/s as an expression of our love, all in the name of St. Valentine.

And who might St. Valentine be? One legend says that he was a priest in Rome during the third century AD at the time of the Roman Empire and that he may have been thrown into prison and killed for helping Christians escape the cruelty of Roman prisons where Christian prisoners were beaten and tortured.

According to another legend, “Valentine actually sent the first ‘valentine’ greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl—who may have been his jailor’s daughter—who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed ‘From your Valentine,’ an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It’s no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.”²

If truth be known, there’s probably a mixture of validity and make-believe in all of these legends. Nevertheless it’s a good thing to show and tell our loved ones how much we love and appreciate them, not only in a romantic way on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year. As Jesus commanded us: “Love one another as I have loved you.” That needs to be applied at all times—a big order and a goal we all need to strive towards.

In the words of John Oxenham, “Love ever gives, forgives, outlives, and ever stands with open hands, for while it lives, it gives. For this is love’s prerogative—to give, and give, and give.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for special days and special ways to show our loved ones how much we love and appreciate them. Please help me to love my loved ones and others as you have loved me every day of the year. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus in John 15:12-13 (NIV).

2. The History Channel, www.history.com

As none of us is perfect, most of us have an issue of one kind or another. Probably my biggest issue was being afraid to love, which came from childhood hurts. A friend recently asked me if I ever still feel afraid to love and I said not very often but sometimes I do. “What do you do when you feel this way?” he asked to which I replied, “I do the loving thing.”

Nobody feels loving all the time, but we can always do the loving thing if we so choose. People who choose otherwise usually end up driving love away. I’ve seen this happen and I’m sure you have too.

Jesus never told us how we should or shouldn’t feel … he just told us how to act. Sure, it is important to recognize and acknowledge our feelings. Not to do so is to be in denial. However, it is equally important not to allow our feelings to control us. That can be childish and immature. But rather, we need to be in control of our feelings and regardless of what we feel, always do the right thing, the loving thing. This is a mark of maturity.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, no matter what situation I am in nor how I feel, please help me to be like Jesus and always do the loving thing—even if this includes tough love where such is needed. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 14:1 (NLT).