Years ago when I was taking a course in counselor training, the lecturer made the comment, “Whatever bothers you is your problem.”

His statement was a rude awakening for me. Actually, my biggest problem was that I was in denial about “my” biggest problem—me! I thought my issue at the time was what somebody else had done to me. I, too, was all too willing to justify myself.

I was feeling very hurt but discovered that beneath my hurt was a whole lot of pent-up hurt and anger from past unresolved experiences. I was also in denial about why I was attracted to the person whom I was accusing of hurting me.

What another person does to me may or may not be a problem. How I react is always my responsibility, and to the degree that I overreact that is always my problem.

I need to realize that nobody can hurt my feelings or make me angry without my permission, which, of course, doesn’t justify what hurtful things others do to me or what I do to them. If, for example, I am a super-sensitive person because of past hurts, I will usually overreact to people and blame them for hurting my feelings. While the real reason I am SO hurt is because I haven’t resolved my hurt from the past.

To overcome relational conflicts both parties need to admit what they are contributing to the issue at hand and see when they are overreacting—and know why! When we overreact, as long as we deny it and justify ourselves, and play the blame game, we will B-LAME—and never resolve the conflict at hand.

Suggested Prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of denial and confront me with the reality of what I am contributing to every conflict in which I find myself—whether it is at work, home, or with a friend or loved one. Help me to take full responsibility for my feelings, actions, and overreactions—and stop justifying myself when I am overreacting. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 10:29.

We know that we need to forgive all who have hurt or offended us, but are we to be reconciled to them? Wherever possible this ought to be our goal, but it isn’t always possible as reconciliation is dependent on both parties.

Primarily we need to be reconciled to God. We do this when we confess our sins to him and receive his forgiveness. However, for our own wellbeing it is imperative that we forgive any and all who have hurt us. This can be extremely difficult if the one involved won’t even admit what s/he has done. This, then, makes genuine reconciliation almost impossible.

According to some folk we can’t forgive this type of person. If this is so, some of us are going to carry grudges for a long time. In these instances forgiveness is a choice. We can choose to forgive or we can cling to our hurt and anger and hurt ourselves.

To genuinely forgive we need to get rid of our hurt and anger by expressing these feelings, not necessarily to the one who hurt us, but to an understanding person to rid ourselves of these bottled up destructive emotions. Once we do this, forgiveness becomes possible even if there is never any reconciliation.

Keep in mind, too, that forgiveness doesn’t mean that we allow the person who hurt us to hurt us again. With these people we need to have healthy boundaries to protect ourselves. Remember, too, that meekness is not weakness. Lack of healthy boundaries is.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to forgive all who have hurt me and be reconciled to them wherever possible. But help me to forgive regardless of the other person’s response. And may I always admit and resolve my part in all conflicts and be reconciled to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Corinthians 5:20.

Note: If you have never received Jesus as your Savior or received God’s forgiveness, I encourage you to do that today. To do so see “God’s Invitation” at: www.actsweb.org/invitation.php. Or for further help read, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: www.actsweb.org/christian.

A Daily Encounter subscriber writes, “I have fallen out of love with a man over a year now, so is it possible for me to fall back in love with him? We are not married. We have had a roller-coaster ride in this relationship over many years, so why is God allowing us to stay in this relationship. Also we are back together after 16 years. If we are meant to be together as husband and wife, why doesn’t God show me?

“Dear Henrietta” (name changed), I replied, “First of all realize that—at least in our Western culture—’falling in love’ has more to do with being strongly attracted to someone, being fascinated with this person, or more often than not being physically and/or sexually attracted to this person. It may lead to true love but it isn’t love. It’s either fascination or just plain lust. True love is a commitment of one imperfect person to another imperfect person, with or without so called ‘in love’ overpowering feelings.

“Secondly, God isn’t co-dependent. God will give us wisdom and guidance if we genuinely want it, but he doesn’t make our decisions or choices for us. If he did, he would be keeping us immature and over-dependent. The reality is that you are still in this not-going-anywhere relationship because you, and not God, have chosen to be in it.

“Also, realize, that only happy and mature people find and relate to happy and mature partners, and vice versa, and have happy and fulfilling relationships. Furthermore, it’s not so much a case of praying for the right partner but rather praying that you become the right partner, for only as you become the right person/partner will you be attracted to the right partner, and he to you. In life we all are either as sick or as healthy as the partners we are attracted to and they to us. Thus, if you are choosing to stay in a bad relationship, it indicates that you have issues you need to resolve. This is what God wants you to see. His concern for you is that you become a healthy and mature person before becoming involved in a committed relationship that could lead to marriage.

“To pray the right prayer you need to ask God to show you the truth about you and why you are in such an unhealthy relationship, and to help you find the help you need to recover and become whole. For only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, our attitudes, our behavior, and our relationships be wholesome. Only as we face the truth about our self, resolve our issues, and become whole will any of us have a chance of finding a meaningful and genuinely loving relationship.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me always to pray the right prayer—with the right motives—so that I will have the assurance that you have heard my prayer and that you will answer it according to your will. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 4:2-3 (NIV).

Note: for further help, see the following website for articles on relationships at: https://learning.actsweb.org/articles/Marriage.php.

For a number of years Ken was a capable professional man, a dedicated church worker, and a leader in his community. Outwardly he functioned very well. However, people had difficulty getting close to Ken because he seemed aloof. His family relationships were not good and he had ulcers. Vaguely sensing an inner emptiness, Ken joined a recovery group where he discovered that he was repressing many of his emotions.

Ken is still in the process of rediscovering his repressed self. Fortunately, however, since learning to recognize and express many of his true feelings (many of which were repressed and denied) in healthy ways, his ulcers have cleared up, and his family relationships have improved dramatically.

Unfortunately, many people are taught to ignore their negative emotions. As John T. Raffa wrote in Psychology for Living magazine: “They believe you should hide such feelings—deny, deny, deny—and become nothing but a robot instead of what God made us, beings with feelings.”

Obviously, the early Christians didn’t act this way otherwise they never would have been known for their love one for another. Peter, James, John and Paul all emphasized the need to be honest, to be open-faced, to walk in the light, to openly confess sins and faults, and to love one another. Repressed people are closed people and are unable to fully love and fully live. Neither can they have any kind of emotional intimacy in marriage and close relationships.

Only as we walk in the light, that is, in honesty and openness, are we able to have true fellowship and connection with both God and others. Furthermore, only then are we able to be open channels through which God’s love can flow to others, and in so doing will we be able to fully live and fully love.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please reveal to me any and every barrier in my life that blocks my feeling close to you and to others so that I can know true intimacy with you and the ones I love the most—and be a vibrant channel through which your love to others can flow. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully­­­, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 1:7 (NIV).

It’s an old story but worth repeating: Two friends are hiking in the woods when they come upon a menacing-looking bear walking directly toward them. When one fellow starts to slowly remove his backpack, the other whispers, “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m going to run for it,” was his reply.

“But you can’t outrun a bear,” his pal protested.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you.”

As Michael Josephson said in his weekly column, “Everywhere we see people living their lives according to this Darwinian law of the jungle. They see everything as a competition just to find the most extreme tactics to assure their own survival. You’ve heard the rationales: ‘It’s a dog-eat-dog world,’ ‘Eat or be eaten,’ ‘You’ve got to look out for Number One.’”²

Wrong! These people end up only outrunning themselves—even if it is eventually!

People who believe in and live by this dog-eat-dog philosophy will die by this philosophy. As it has been said, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.” And what is the point of being the richest or most successful person in the cemetery? The reality is that we can’t take what we gained with us when we die.

But if we honor others and treat them as Jesus would treat them, we can send ahead all that we have legitimately gained—as an investment in eternity—and therein store up riches in heaven.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from ever participating in this ‘dog-eat-dog’ mentality and practice. Help me rather to be like Jesus in all ways and treat others accordingly. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:10 (NIV).

2. Michael Josephson, Character Counts www.charactercounts.org.

I read about a very successful youth leader, or so he and many others believed, who built a tremendous youth ministry—the largest in the country. But he was always busy, busy, busy.

In fact he was so busy with his work “for God” that he neglected the most important things in his life. Late one November his wife caught him as he was racing out the door to go to preach to somebody else’s kids. She asked, “Do you know, or do you even care that from the middle of September until today, you have not been home one night?”

She had a breakdown soon after. He contemplated suicide. He later confessed, “I was a man who existed in a shell.”

Like many of us, Jim’s shell of busyness was his external protection—not from the outside world—but from his inner world of unresolved anxiety. Jim’s problem was that he was a busy-aholic. That may have been Martha’s problem too. Perhaps?

As long as we keep on the run to avoid facing our inner anxieties, our busyness can get us addicted to our own adrenaline, which becomes nothing less than a cheap anesthetic to deaden the feelings of an empty or troubled life. In so doing we end up hiding from our own reality—a self-destructive path to follow.

To overcome, the first step is to admit the truth of what we are doing; that is, admit our addiction no matter how refined it appears to be. The second step is to get into a recovery/support group to help stop the addictive/avoidance behavior so we can feel the pain we are seeking to avoid. And third, where necessary we need to seek wise or professional counseling as well as God’s help to resolve and overcome the cause or causes behind our avoidance behavior.

Suggested prayer (if needed): “Dear God, I confess that I’m a Martha to the core. Please help me to let go of the addictive over-control of my life, find the help I need to overcome, and help me to develop the relational ‘Mary’ in me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 10:38-42 (NIV).

A boy came home from school one day with a note from his teacher saying she had to punish him for swearing. His father took him aside and said, “Well, son, what about it?”

The boy replied, “I have nothing to say, Dad. I deserved it. She heard me say what I said and called me into her office.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well, she asked me where I had heard such language. But I didn’t give you away, Dad. I blamed it on the parrot.”

Need I say more except to say that the heart of all effective teaching is “show me don’t tell me.” That is, we need to model what we want our children to learn, to become, and to do!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to model for my children and others the kind of person you want me to be so that others seeing what you have done in my life will want the same for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 1:27.

In his book, The Broken Heart, James Lynch says, “Most of the people I deal with have at the root of their physical problems the problem of loneliness. They may well be living with someone, or indeed in a busy, bustling family atmosphere but they do not know what it is to experience a close relationship. The lonely are twice as likely to suffer physical problems as those who enjoy a warm relationship with at least one other person.”

Dr. Bernard Steinzor in his book, The Healing Partnership, says, “The person who feels completely alone and has lost hope of a relationship will become a patient in the wards of a mental hospital or bring their life to an end through suicide.”

Sydney Jourard in his book, The Transparent Self, said, “Every maladjusted person is someone who has not made himself known to another human being and in consequence he does not know himself. Nor can he be himself. More than that, he struggles actively to avoid becoming known by another human being. He works ceaselessly at it day and night. And it is work!”

Selwyn Hughes wrote, “We come to know ourselves only as we know how to relate effectively to others. A person who is known in a loving, trusting relationship by at least one other human being, is rich indeed and will have little fear about facing the world.”

Hughes also wrote, “We all need to be close to someone, so never apologize for the longing that you find within you for a relationship. It was built into you by the Creator and is therefore part of a divine design.” I certainly agree with Hughes in that “only in the context of relationships can the deepest longings of our being be met and satisfied.”

The reality is that we not only need a right relationship with God but healthy relationships with one another. This is why open, trusting, accepting and non-judgmental groups are such a powerful entity at a time when much of life has become technical and impersonal.

Rowland Croucher, writing in Grid, said, “More than 85 percent of small group participants of all ages say that as a result of their participation they feel better about themselves, are more open and honest with themselves, are better able to forgive others, and have been helped to serve people outside the groups.”

We can live successfully without having to be in a romantic relationship, but we cannot live a worthwhile life nor can we grow outside of meaningful relationships. As the Bible teaches, “It is not good to be alone.” If you can’t find a small group in your church, may I suggest that you start one yourself. An effective group, however, is where people are open and honest, share their struggles and sorrows as well as their joys—and where members listen, love and accept without any kind of judgment, sermonizing, giving advice—or trying to fix people.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”¹

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to find a safe group where I can be truly connected to caring and loving friends. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Genesis 2:18 (NIV).

“And it’s still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it’s best to hold hands and stick together.”

I had a dear friend whom I met in kindergarten. We went through school and technical college together. We’d been through national service together, and, though for many years we lived thousands of miles apart, we never lost contact. Not so long ago my friend fell on hard times, became discouraged and depressed and, instead of reaching out for help, withdrew into himself and took his life. A tragic waste. How sad it is when, in our hour of need, as adults, we forget to hold hands.

We all have areas of weaknesses so we all need the support of a few friends with whom we feel safe, who won’t judge, condemn or reject us, and will love and accept us as we are. None of us can make it on our own. We were created for relationships. We all need each other. Even Jesus, at the start of his ministry on earth, chose “the twelve” disciples that they might be with him. How much more do we need friends who will be with us?

One reason we fall is because we try to make it on our own. God never meant for us to go it alone. We all need each other for support, and as long as we admit our needs, confess our areas of weaknesses, and keep holding hands, we’re not likely to fall because we help hold each other up.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”¹

Suggested prayer” “Dear God, please give me a few friends who know me as I am and love me still—friends with whom I can share openly and honestly, laugh, cry, work, play and serve you, and friends who will hold me up when I feel too down to be able to stand up on my own. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV).

In another study, Edward A. Rauff, director of the Research and Information Center of the Lutheran Council in the U.S.A., found that the dominant reason a high percentage of the respondents gave for establishing a relationship with a church was “to keep the family together and to strengthen family life.”

That the church helps strengthen family life is supported by a study conducted by sociologist Steven Nock of the University of Virginia. His conclusions showed that couples who attend church regularly are 42 percent more likely to be married for the first time [that is, in their first marriage], and those in the church who were committed to its beliefs had a 23 percent better chance of having a “very happy” marriage than those who don’t go to church.

In another study reported in Homemade, Warren Mueller reports that “in families where the father and mother both attend church regularly, 72 percent of their children remain faithful. If only dad goes, 55 percent remain faithful. If mom goes alone, fifteen percent of their children remain faithful.

“Conclusion? The example of parents is extremely important … and children look to dad as leader.”

The Bible says, “Let us not neglect our church meetings, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his [Christ's] coming back again is drawing near.”¹

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, as a father, please help me model for my children and/or grandchildren the man/woman of God you want me to be, and help me always to be ‘as Jesus’ to them. And grant that they, seeing Jesus in me, will want Jesus to be in their life as well. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 10:25 (TLB)(NLT).