Bob Lewis relates the story of a Christian woman “who owned two prize-winning chickens. One afternoon, the chickens worked their way out of her yard and into her neighbor’s garden. The neighbor, known for his hot temper, captured both birds, wrung their necks and then threw their lifeless carcasses across the fence into the Christian’s yard.

“The woman was understandably hurt and considered giving her neighbor a piece of her mind. Instead, she took the chickens home and prepared two chicken pot pies. Whereupon she took one to her neighbor and then apologized for not being more watchful of her chickens. The man was speechless. The chicken pot pie coupled with an apology filled him with such a sense of burning shame that his whole life began to change.”

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, I find it real easy to love those who are lovable but don’t know how to love my enemies and those who would mistreat me. Please help me to grow in love so that I will always be ‘as Christ’ to everyone—friend or foe. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:44 (NKJV).

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know, everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes,” was his reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me regardless of my marital state to love and appreciate my spouse and/or family members as you would have me love and appreciate them and, with your help, always be as Christ to them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Ephesians 5:25 (NIV).

A ninth step in resolving anger is to give up the right to always be right. People who have a compulsion to always be right are very insecure and immature. Be willing to say, “I was wrong. I apologize.” As the Apostle Paul points out, we are not only to speak the truth in love but also to grow up in all areas of our Christian life—both are essential for effective communications and creative conflict management.

Tenth, as the Bible also teaches, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.” In other words, resolve conflict and anger as quickly as possible. And, by the way, my anger is not a demon as some want to blame. The anger is all mine but when I fail to resolve it (like all negative emotions), I give “a mighty foothold to the Devil.” When I resolve my anger, the devil loses his foothold and is defeated.

Eleventh, speak softly. Probably most of us tend to raise our voices when we are ticked off. However, keep in mind that research has shown that one effective way to handle yellers is to speak softly. This tends to make them lean forward and speak softer so they can hear what you are saying. Remember that yelling begets yelling! Also, as Michel de Montaigne said, “He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak.”

Twelfth, pray. First pray about yourself. One of the most powerful prayers I ever learned to pray was when I was at wit’s end in a seemingly hopeless conflict. In utter frustration I begged God to face me with the truth of what I was still contributing to the mess I was in. What years of counseling failed to achieve, prayer did in two weeks. I saw my hopeless co-dependency (even though I hadn’t even heard of the word at the time). Only when I saw the reality of what I was contributing was I able to resolve my part in the conflict. I wish I would have learned to pray this prayer years before—even in Sunday school. Had I done so, I could have saved myself years of needless pain and frustration.

Then pray together. When two people genuinely want to grow through and resolve their conflicts and are willing and want to face the truth about themselves and pray accordingly, I don’t think there are too many arguments and conflicts that can’t be resolved.

Remember always, “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the wonderful principles in your Word that give instructions needed, not only to resolve conflict creatively, but to guide and direct in every aspect of life. Help me to always strive to live by these principles in everything I am and do. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

RECAP: Here are the twelve steps for resolving conflict creatively: 1. Speak the truth in love. 2. Listen with the heart. 3. Be honest with your true feelings. 4. Use “I” messages. 5. Avoid the blame game. 6. Accept responsibility. 7. Stick to the subject at hand. 8. Confess nobody’s sin but your own. 9. Give up the right to always be right. 10. Resolve anger quickly. 11. Speak softly. 12. Pray.

1. Ephesians 4:26–27 (NLT).
2. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

To resolve conflict creatively we have pointed out the need to strive always to speak the truth in love, to listen with our hearts and hear what the other person is not saying, to be honest with our true feelings, to use “I” messages, and to avoid the blame game.

Sixth, we also need to accept responsibility. Working with several hundred divorced people over the past decade, I have found that the majority primarily blame their former spouse for the breakup of their marriage without taking a serious look at what they contributed. I repeat, conflict managed creatively can be growth producing when both parties will accept responsibility for their share in the conflict. Yes, it is true, some people are bullies, belligerent, and dogmatic, but some of us are too “nice” to stand up for ourselves—that is, we are too weak, too passive, too co-dependent, or too super-sensitive.

Even the Bible implies that some people are impossible to get along with, and there comes a time—with controlling, manipulating, dishonest, or abusive people—when we need to say, “No more,” and exercise tough love. When we fail to do this, that’s our problem. And as we said yesterday, what the other person does or fails to do is their issue (or problem). How I respond is always my responsibility. Only when I can see and admit my part in the conflict can I have a chance of getting to resolution. I believe that failure for each party to see what he/she is contributing to the conflict is one of the major causes of relational failure.

Seventh, stick to the subject at hand. Whew … when people stuff their negative feelings and sit on their hurt and anger, look out! They will eventually either implode, that is, turn their emotions inward and get sick or even have a heart attack, or they will explode. And it will be the “dumbest” little thing that triggers the explosion, and beware … they will go back to unresolved grievances for the past three years (or three decades). To fight fair, it is imperative to deal only with the issue at hand.

Eighth, confess nobody’s “sins” but your own and seek to change only yourself! The reality is that the only person I can ever change is myself. When I confess the other person’s faults and try to change him or her, it just makes them madder, and rightfully so. As Jesus also said, before we try to take a splinter out of the other person’s eye, we need to take the log out of our own. Amazing, isn’t it? It is so much easier to see the other guy’s splinter and not even be aware of the log in our own eye!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always accept my responsibility in every conflict situation and face the truth of what I am contributing, and to resolve whatever that might be. Help me to admit and confess only my own sins and seek forgiveness for my failures, not only from you, but also from those I may have hurt unwittingly or on purpose. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

(To be concluded)

1. Romans 12:18 (NIV).

To resolve conflict creatively we need, first, not only to speak the truth in love and, second, to listen with our heart, but third, we need to be honest and share our true feelings—not just our surface feelings. For example, anger is often a defense against feeling our fear. So, to resolve conflict, it’s important not to deny the anger, but to be aware that it is a defense against feeling our deeper feelings. This can be difficult for many of us to do. We either don’t know how to do this, or we use anger to stop the other person from getting close to us.

Or, equally destructive, to avoid conflict we deny our true feelings and pretend to be something we are not. This way conflict never gets faced, let alone resolved, and resentment can fester below the surface for years. And this festering is the cause behind many a broken relationship.

Author John Powell expressed this attitude very poignantly when he said, “We defend our dishonesty [denying and not sharing our true feelings] on the grounds that it may hurt another person. And then, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships.”²

Fourth, to resolve conflict it is also very important to use “I” messages. That is, instead of saying, “You make me mad or you really hurt my feelings,” say words to the effect, “When you say (or do) things like thus and so, I feel hurt and/or angry, and I need to talk about it.”

Fifth, avoid the blame-game at all costs. Many, if not most of us are like the lawyer in the Bible who, “wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbor?’”³ This was when Jesus told him that the greatest commandment was to love God and your neighbor as yourself.

If I don’t love and accept myself in a healthy sense, conflict can be terribly distressing. I need to realize that nobody can upset me (hurt my feelings or make me angry) without my permission. For instance, if I had a perfect self-concept (which I don’t) it would be very rare that my feelings would ever get hurt. What the other person says or does may or may not be a problem, but how I respond is always my responsibility. And to the degree I overreact, that is always my problem.

So before I lay the blame at another’s feet, I need to be courageously honest with myself and know when I am responding responsibly and openly admit when I am overreacting out of proportion to what has happened. Overreactions happen when unresolved issues from the past get triggered. The trigger is not my problem but my overreaction is!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to lovingly follow the truth at all times—speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly—and so become more and more in every way like Christ. Help me to know whenever I overreact in a conflict situation, to admit that it is my problem, and help me to overcome it. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

(To be continued.)

1. Ephesians 4:15 (TLB).
2. John Powell, Why I Am Afraid to Tell You
Who I Am, Argus Communications.
3. Luke 10:29 (NKJV).

Having worked in the area of relationships for some time, I have discovered that one of the major problems (and challenges) seems to be the inability for couples to communicate and resolve conflict effectively. In fact, according to counselors, this is one of the major reasons why relationships fail.

Relationships are based more than anything on emotions. Men may disagree with me here but I don’t think our female readers will. In my experience, the number one complaint I have heard from wives over the years (on both sides of the Pacific Ocean) is a variation on the theme, “My husband doesn’t share his feelings with me and doesn’t listen to or understand mine.”Surprise? Surprise!

True, we men know how to put a man on the moon and how to talk to him while he is there, but some of us don’t know how to effectively communicate with our wife or kids while we’re in the same room!

However, it is not always we men who are at fault. Again, in my experience, nearly as many men as women bemoan the fact that their spouse withdraws when her feelings are hurt.

Withdrawal is a downright dirty way to fight.

It can be a form of passive hostility, self-pity, or self-justification. It can be caused by a fear of conflict, a fear of being dominated by the other person, or any of a number of other reasons. However, when one party withdraws, there is no possible chance for resolution. It’s even worse when both parties withdraw.

What we need to learn is to “fight” like a Christian!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be an effective communicator, to be honest with my feelings, never withdraw from conflict, and always speak the truth in love. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15–16 (TLB).

A study conducted some time ago by sociologist Steven Nock of the University of Virginia showed that couples who regularly attend church are 42% more likely to be married for the first time. And those in the church who were committed to its beliefs had a 23% better chance of having a “very happy” marriage than those who don’t attend church.

Furthermore, according to a report by Warren Mueller, where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55%, but where only the mother attends, just 15% of the children remain involved in the church.

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be an active participant in a healthy church and have positive fellowship (relationships) with fellow Christians both for my own growth and to be an encourager to others. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Hebrews 10:25 (NIV).

NOTE: See article, “What a Good Church Can Do for You” at: http://tinyurl.com/bs9jf

It is good to remind ourselves that God created mankind primarily for relationships from which come eighty percent of life’s satisfaction. To live meaningfully we need to be in meaningful relationships, without which life can be very empty and lonely.

If we don’t know how to relate in healthy ways, we don’t know how to live fully, and we can impair both our mental and physical health as a result. Or another way to put it: to fully live we need to fully love!

It helps us to remember that God himself is in relationship through the Trinity (God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit). Also, Jesus started the Christian movement with relationships: “He [Jesus] appointed twelve…that they might be with him.”² Furthermore, practically all of Christ’s ministry was done in relationship with his twelve disciples.

As a Christian, our first need is to keep in a right relationship with God, which begins by accepting Jesus Christ as our personal Savior and Lord. Trying to live the Christian life without this is like trying to go east by traveling west.

We then need close, healthy relationships with people. Only then can we realize some of the deepest longings of the human heart. This doesn’t mean that we are to be overdependent on others, codependent with them, or independent from them, but interdependent with them.

The reality is that we need people. Barbra Streisand expressed it well in the song: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

Furthermore, the degree of our mental health, emotional maturity, and spiritual well-being will be reflected in the health or otherwise of our close relationships. God’s command to “love one another” is not a sentimental suggestion. It’s an imperative.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me first of all to have a right relationship with you and then to resolve any character issues in my life that may hinder my having healthy relationships with others. Help me to love you and others more fully and myself in a healthy way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Genesis 2:18 (NIV).
2. Mark 3:14 (NIV).