In spite of what some women libbers, gay and lesbian would-be-parents, and mothers having children out of wedlock (to justify their actions), claim about fathers not being important for the development and well-being of children, the fact remains, God’s plan for parenthood and family life has never changed, and the significance of the role of fatherhood (as well as motherhood) cannot be underestimated.

“According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a father’s involvement with a child increases the child’s IQ, the child’s motivation to learn, and the child’s self-confidence. In addition, children with involved dads are more likely to develop a sense of humor as well as an ‘inner excitement.’”²

Interesting too, that Dr. Frank Minirth reports how “a recent survey revealed how children are learning their values: 43 percent by parents, 38 percent by television, 8 percent by peers, and 6 percent by teachers.”³

“The Los Angeles Lakers had just completed 13 games in 10 cities in 21 days. It was particularly tough on Dominic Harris, the 5-year-old son of Ann Harris and Laker Coach Del Harris. Said Dominic to Del: ‘I miss you, Dad. In fact, I can’t remember when I didn’t miss you.’”⁴

Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their fathers and you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so much of our relational and emotional distress. The father-wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed. (The same principles also apply to women who carry a deep father-wound.)

Speaking personally, from early childhood I started looking for love in the wrong places in a vain attempt to fill the empty vacuum caused by my emotionally absentee father.

For example, in days gone by I looked for love in the things I did—like making beautiful things including a dream home. I learned to move a group to tears, make them laugh hilariously and inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these things ever made me feel loved. In other words, I mistakenly mistook approval for love.

Perhaps most delusive of all is how, from a very early age, I looked to the opposite sex to try to make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started when I was a child. I still remember how I fell “madly in love” with my second grade school teacher, looking for love from her.

Unfortunately, no mother, wife or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for a brief moment of time, but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does, he (and she) may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her, but because of him. When his passion subsides, he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own loneliness and emptiness.

And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman … and another … to prove to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll seek to deaden his inner pain through alcohol, drugs, or addictive behaviors and even ruin his health and never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships. That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places for the father-love (and/or mother-love) he never received as a child.

To all fathers, I trust today’s Daily Encounter will help you realize the importance of becoming emotionally and spiritually involved in the lives of your children. And those of us who have a father-wound, let us stop our crazy ways of making attempts to deaden the pain of our inner emptiness, admit the true need of our heart, and seek the help of God and a trusted counselor if needed to find healing of our father-wound.

NOTE: For additional help, see the complete article, “Healing a Man’s Father Wound,” at: http://tinyurl.com/9dse4.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, (for those of us who are parents—especially fathers) please help me to be the father you planned for me to be to my children. Help me always to be as Christ to them, and may they grow up knowing that they are very much loved by me as well as you. And (for all of us who have a deep father-wound), please help me to face my father-wound and lead me to the help I need for healing and recovery so that I may become the father and family man you planned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV).
2. Source: Victor Parachin, “The Fine Art of Good Fathering,” Herald of Holiness, February 1995, pp. 32-33.
3. Dr. Frank Minirth, “Withstanding the Tides of Change,” Today’s Better Life, p. 52.
4. Lexington Herald-Leader, January 1, 1996, p. C2.

In his book, Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

These people I like to call soul-brothers or soul-sisters. These are friends with whom we can trust our very soul—warts and all. In fact, for healthy living and loving relationships, every woman (single or married) needs such a soul-sister. And every man (single or married) needs such a soul-brother.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to be, and please give to me, such a friend. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

Following a series of Daily Encounters on “Forgiveness,” a number of readers wanted to know if forgiving another person meant that we have to forget what has happened; or to love and stay with them if they are abusive; or to trust them?

The answer is no, no, no! Let me explain further.

When we have sinned, we need to be reconciled to God,² but while reconciliation with others is the ideal, it isn’t always possible—and sometimes not to be desired. Some teachers argue that forgiveness isn’t possible unless the offending person admits what she/he has done and asks for forgiveness of the one they have hurt. If this were true, many of us would be stuck for life for the fact that many people do not, or will not, admit that they have done anything wrong, let alone apologize for it.

Forgiveness is dependent only on the person who has been hurt. Reconciliation is dependent on both the offended and the one who has offended.

One reader, whose husband was an alcoholic and physically abusive and dangerous when drunk, wanted to know if forgiving him meant loving and trusting him. Whew … she was in quite a predicament. However, the most loving thing she could do, was to confront him and let him know that she was not going to tolerate his behavior any longer.

Furthermore, unless he got into recovery, and overcame his alcoholism and abusive behavior, she needs to separate herself and the children from him, and not return until his counselor could assure her that she and the children would be safe to live with him again. If she keeps tolerating his abusive and destructive behavior, she becomes part of his sickness.

In cases like this, the first thing victims need to do is to get professional counsel and help because some of these abusive husbands can become very dangerous.

And unless destructive and/or toxic, abusive people repent and change their ways, it is wise to avoid associating with them wherever possible. As the Bible indicates, it just isn’t possible to live peaceably with all people.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, in all my relationships, please help me to forgive all who have hurt me, to seek forgiveness where I have hurt others, and give me the wisdom to know when reconciliation is or isn’t advisable or possible, and give me the courage to do what I need to do no matter how painful or frightening it may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:17-18 (NASB).
2. 2 Corinthians 5:20 (NIV).

Paul Harvey reports how “Snow Man was a nameless, gray-white gelding that Harry De Leyer picked up cheaply at a horse auction. The only other bid for the horse came from a glue factory.

“Harry trained Snow Man, and the horse served well at the girls’ school where Harry was the riding master. However, when the school closed for the summer, a neighbor made a generous offer for Snow Man, and Harry could not afford to refuse it. So Snow Man had a new home.

“Snow Man, however, liked his old home. Time and time again he jumped the neighbor’s high fences and returned to Harry. Finally, Harry bought his horse back.

“In that series of events, though, was a clue to Snow Man’s real greatness. Snow Man was a natural jumper, and the horse that once jumped fences to return to his loving previous master later jumped at Madison Square Garden for two national titles!”²

There’s nothing like loving attention and encouragement to bring out the best in all of us! We all need it. And we all need to give it! The word “encouragement” comes from “en” meaning “in” with the word courage. Thus, to encourage someone is to put courage into them—to help them to be and do their very best.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for all the people who loved me, believed in me, and encouraged me to help me get to where I am today. Please help me to be a great encourager to all my friends and loved ones, to all the people you bring into my life, and to those whose path I cross. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. I Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV).
2. Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey’s the Rest of the Story, Lynne Harvey, ed. (New York: Bantam Books, 1977), pp. 6-8.

Although you may have missed her, actress Kathy Bates played the vital role of heiress Molly Brown in the movie Titanic.

Bates became known as the “mom” to the crew and became known as well as one who continually encouraged the crew and cast. Bates told a story in a recent interview to explain her perspective.

“There’s a great story I always remember when I think about crews and directors. There was a guest conductor who was rude to everyone in the symphony. Everyone hated him. Finally, at the packed dress rehearsal, he lifts his arms and nothing happens. Not a sound. He’s stunned. He draws himself up and gives the down beat again. No sound. Finally, the first-chair violinist stands up and says, ‘That’s just to show you that no sound comes out of that baton of yours.’ I always think about that when I am making a movie.”²

Everyone needs to be appreciated. And everyone needs to express appreciation.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please give me a thankful heart and help me always to live in an attitude of gratitude. Open my eyes to see not only your great love for me but also the innumerable blessings you give to me every day of my life. And help me to express appreciation to all the people you bring into my life … and help me to practice this most of all at home. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 17:16-18 (NIV).
2. Adapted from USA Today, May 1998

A man whose wife has separated from him desperately wants to know how to get his prayer answered and get his wife back. His prayer is that God will save his marriage from divorce and restore his family.

Good prayer? Maybe.

Here’s the catch. This man has been unfaithful to his wife—repeatedly.

My answer: “Dear George (name changed): The way to get prayer answered is to pray the right prayer. By that I mean, the most effective prayer you can pray right now after you have confessed your sins and received God’s forgiveness, is to pray for truth. As the Bible says, ‘The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.^’2

“While praying for God to save your marriage is very important, before you do this, you need to ask God to confront you with the truth about yourself and to show you the deeper cause/s for your infidelity and adulterous behavior. You have to want to face this truth with all your heart (and resolve your problem at this level); otherwise you will keep running from it—and keep acting it out in further adulteries—and drive your wife farther away from you.

“God is more interested in healing you at this deeper level right now than your getting your wife back. Why is this? If you don’t get healed at this deeper level, you will undoubtedly keep committing the same sins and failing—no matter how noble your intentions. It’s resolution or repetition.

“The reality is that we either resolve the cause (or causes) of our problems or we keep repeating them. We fall … we feel terrible … we confess … we promise God we will never do this thing again if he will forgive us just one more time. We fall again … we feel worse … we confess … we promise God we will never do this thing again if he will forgive us just one more time. We fall again … and again … and again … same prayer … same results. As the old saying about insanity goes, we keep doing the same thing or praying the same prayer and expect different results!

“Why? Because we’re praying the wrong prayer. We focus on the symptom instead of facing head-on the cause/s of our behavior.

“It is imperative that you pray for God to confront you with the truth about yourself and why you commit this sin and keep failing. You will need to want this with all your heart as it can be very painful to break through the defenses you have built to avoid facing your inner pain. Because your failure is a habitual sin (and quite possibly an addiction), I also urge you to get capable, professional Christian counseling to help you work through and resolve your problem.

“You probably don’t realize this right now but your wife leaving you is God’s wake–up call for you to get into recovery. And if you pray the right prayer, God will hear and answer your prayer.<

“Tough words I know but as Jesus said, only the truth will set you free.”

Suggested prayer (for one and all): “Dear God please help me to know how to pray the right prayer in all sticky situations and to always be honest with myself and with you. Thank you that when I pray this way, you always hear and answer my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:32 (NIV).
2. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “What is a wife to do when her husband doesn’t follow God’s plan?”

First, a lot depends on what kind of husband we are talking about.

For example, if a husband is an alcoholic, on drugs, or abusive to either the wife or the children, then tough love is needed. I mean real tough. If he refuses to get help, then the wife should tell him she will have to distance herself and the children from him until he admits his problem, is genuinely repentant, and gets into recovery and genuinely committed to overcoming his problem. If he is physically abusive, she needs to report him to the authorities and remove herself and the children immediately.

She also needs to be courageously honest with herself, examine her own heart, and ask God to reveal to her anything she may be contributing to the predicament she is in. Wives who are caretakers (codependent) need to be needed in order to feel loved. And this of course isn’t love. It’s need. In this case, she too needs to be in recovery to work through her character issues.

If the husband wants his wife to participate in things that are illegal, immoral, wrong or sinful, then she should definitely take a stand and not go along with him.

On the other hand, if the husband is loving, kind, warm, and accepting (as many non-Christians can be), but hasn’t accepted the Lord as his Savior, and doesn’t want to go to church, then the wife needs to love and respect him in return. And hopefully, he will allow her to go to church. But if he doesn’t, what should the wife do? First she needs to examine her options. Perhaps she could go to a woman’s fellowship group in the day time if she is able to, or to an evening group if this is possible. And at least she needs to be able to meet with at least one or two other Christian ladies for the loving Christian support and fellowship she needs. The church is not the building. It’s where two or three meet together in the Lord’s name. There he is in their midst.² If the husband is a control freak and won’t allow her to do one of these, then both of them need to go for marriage counseling.

The wife needs to be growing towards wholeness herself; pray every day for wisdom, guidance, understanding, love, kindness and patience; and pray earnestly for her husband. Every day she needs to commit and trust herself and him to the Lord, and above all ask God to help her to be as Christ to him always in all ways, and pray that he, seeing Christ and his love in her, will want the same for himself.

The same principles apply if the wife isn’t a Christian and the husband is.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, no matter what situation I am in, please give me the courage to face whatever it is that I am contributing to the problem, and help me to change. Give me the wisdom to know what the right thing to do is, and the courage to do it no matter how painful it may be. And help me always to be as Christ to my husband (or wife) and children so that they seeing you in me will want you as their Savior as well. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 5:21-22 (KJV).
2. Matthew 18:20 (NASB).

A question that arises from time to time asked by Daily Encounter readers has to do with divorce: Should a Christian ever get divorced?

I’ve worked in the area of Divorce and Grief Recovery for the past decade, so I have regular contact with people struggling with this issue. For most, it is an extremely painful experience, and terribly disillusioning especially for Christians who sincerely want to do the Lord’s will.

I know one man who right now is going through divorce. I believe he has done everything in his power to save his marriage. He has been in counseling for many months working on his side of the marital conflict but, sad to say, his wife has refused to continue in counseling and emphatically declares that her husband is the one who needs to change.

There are many more wives who are in a similar situation.

So what should these people do? Should they stay in a toxic, destructive relationship? And what should or can they do when and if their partner files for divorce?

Some fight the divorce but for many they have no choice!

True, God hates divorce and he does so because it is so hurtful to those whom he loves. Most divorcees understandably hate divorce too.

But let us remember that God also hates everything else that is harmful to his children. This includes covering up wrong, gossip, lying, cheating, dishonesty, jealousy, pride, legalism, and destructive, abusive or hateful relationships, and hypocritical relationships that put on a good show in public but behind closed doors are anything but loving and kind.

Unfortunately, some who “preach that God hates divorce” to those going through it are blind to the fact that God hates their judgmental attitude just as much as he hates divorce.

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me not to be judgmental of those going through divorce, but rather help me to see my shortcomings, failures and sins and with your help, overcome these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Malachi 2:16 (NASB).

Scientists were studying the impact of a high-cholesterol diet on heart disease. To measure this effect, they fed a group of genetically similar rabbits the same high-cholesterol diet. To their amazement, half the rabbits developed heart troubles, while the others were normal, with no noticeable heart disease.

This outcome was not explainable, so they bought new rabbits and repeated the study. At the end of two weeks, they obtained the same results. Something was wrong with the research design, but they could not determine the unaccountable variable.

Eventually, they discovered that during the evening the assistant who fed and cared for the rabbits took the rabbits out of their cages and cuddled them and petted them while she changed their bedding and food. However, because she was short, she could not reach the rabbits on the top shelf, so they were simply fed and changed without being picked up. Sure enough, after two weeks, the rabbits on the top row all had heart disease, while the rabbits on the bottom row were healthy. The environment and diet were exactly the same. The only variable was expressed love through touching.²

I’m not suggesting that we ignore a healthy diet. Not at all! But every one of us also needs a healthy diet of love and affection if we are to be and stay healthy.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be so filled with your love that I will always be loving and affectionate towards my loved ones and also (with discretion) to all the people you bring into my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:9–10 (NIV).
2. By Marvin Wray in “Wit and Wisdom.”