According to Morris Chalfant, “When polls are taken to discover what unhappily married men and women object to in each other, the ‘silent husband’ heads the wife’s list, and the ‘nagging wife’ almost always heads the list of most husbands.”

So, if my marriage and/or close relationships are less than desirable, what can I do about it? Lots actually.

First, quit the blame game. Remember, as long as we play the blame game we will b-lame.

Second, work on yourself and your own growth and maturity. The fact is that the only person we can ever change is our self, and as we change, those around us tend to change also—not always for the best, however, as some people don’t like it when we change.

Third, for men, three lessons: Learn to communicate, communicate, communicate. Your marriage and family depend on effective communications. And communication goes far beyond sharing your thoughts and saying what you think. It’s learning to be honest with your feelings and not being afraid to say how you feel, whether it be happy, joyful, sad, afraid, hurt, angry or whatever. Admittedly, if you haven’t learned to do this, it can be like learning a whole new language. I know—been there—done that! And when we do share, we need to remember to always “share the truth in love.”

Third, for women. Quit nagging. Let’s face it, it doesn’t work and unfortunately the less something works, all too often, the more we do it. As the saying goes, “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got and you’ll keep feeling as you always felt.”

Fourth, for both men and women a strong reminder to use “I” messages when you are sharing your feelings. Never say, “You made me feel such and such,” because nobody can make us feel anything without our permission. But rather say, “I feel hurt, afraid (or whatever) and I need to talk to you about such-and-such.”

Fifth, attend an effective communications class and read a good book together on this topic. An old book that I found very helpful is John Powell’s, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am. You may be able to buy a copy at your bookstore or on amazon.com. If not, borrow a copy from your library. Your librarian can also tell you about other good books on effective communications and interpersonal relationships.

Sixth, pray together—every day or night. It’s still true that the family who prays together is more likely to stay together. But when you pray, learn to pray openly and honestly. God knows exactly how you feel anyhow so you may as well tell him and then you are in a position to receive his help. Remember, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” Praying empty words and meaningless clichés is like talking to the wind.

We stay close to God by being open and truthful with him. We stay close to one another in exactly the same way.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you know all about me—my deepest joys, sorrows, hurts, fears, sins and failures—and love me still. Please help me to be real with myself, with you and with my partner, other loved ones, and my closest friends. Help me to be real and authentic so that my life will be a free channel for your love to flow through to others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

“It’s not my problem. It’s my wife/husband who needs help!”

How many times have you heard this defensive type of statement? Having worked in the area of divorce recovery for the past decade or more, I have heard it repeatedly. One person recently said to me, “How do I make my husband understand that he is the one who needs help. He needs to know that he is wrong so he can get counseling.”

“And why did you marry this person? What attracted you to him/her in the first place?” I ask. Rarely do I get an honest answer.

This is not true in all cultures but, at least where we make our own choice about whom we marry, there are always underlying reasons why we are attracted and drawn to a particular person of the opposite sex.

At least one single man I know was facing reality when he said that he could walk into a room full of women and would automatically be attracted to the sickest (emotionally sickest) woman in the room! He knew it was because of his own emotional sickness. There’s hope for this man.

No matter what your wife/husband has done, the reality is you can’t change them. If you try to, it just makes them angry or angrier. As I’ve said many times, the only one we can ever change is our self, and as we change, those around us are almost forced to change in one way or another. However, this is not always for the best because some people don’t want us to change and get angry when we do. Change upsets the games they are playing!

I’m not saying that we should put up with someone else’s abusive behavior. Not at all. But we need to remember that we are the only person we can ever change. And while we pray for the other person, we need to first ask God to change us—and to confront us with the truth about ourselves so we can see any character flaws we have that we need to work on and resolve.

And we can always ask God to help us to be as Jesus to our husband/wife so that they, seeing Jesus in us, will want him for themselves. That may be the only hope for encouraging others to change.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to quit playing the blame-game and always accept responsibility for whatever I am contributing in any conflicting situation in which I find myself. Help me to keep on changing and growing to become the person you want me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 30:18-19 (NIV).

Mike Atkinson in his Mickey’s Funnies shares the following humorous story:

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”²

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of playing the blame-game and projecting my blind spots onto others—and judging them accordingly. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 7:3-4 (NLT).

2. Mickey’s Funnies © 2008 Mike Atkinson.

http://www.mikeysFunnies.com.

Years ago a friend was talking to me about some people being “cursed with the affliction to give advice.” At the time I had no idea what he was talking about. Sure sounded strange to me. Now I understand.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, people “offering … unwanted advice” are officious. They can also be obnoxious. Such advice can be and often is a thinly veiled criticism.

I’m not talking about going to a lawyer or an accountant or a car mechanic or whatever where we need and are asking for professional advice. What I’m talking about is when we share our struggles and feelings with a friend and they have a compulsion to tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, or to “fix” us. They are in fact putting us down in that they are assuming that they know our needs better than we know them ourselves.

Even when some people want us to tell them what to do, it is a much greater help not to tell them what we think they should do, but to help THEM decide what are their options and solutions. This is what a good counselor does. He helps clients see what their options are and decide for themselves what they need to do.

What I want from a friend when I am feeling in the pits is someone to listen to me with their heart, give me their presence, and accept me as I am—and let me know they care—without giving any kind of advice or trying to fix me.

These friends can be rare. Even rarer is the friend who knows how to weep with those who weep.

In his book, Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

May God help us all to be this kind of a friend.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me an understanding, caring, and compassionate heart and help me to learn how to listen to my friends’ pain, to accept them as they are, to communicate to them that I truly care—without having a compulsion to give unsolicited advice or try to fix them. To my friends in need please help me to be a friend indeed. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

Popular author and psychologist, Gary Smalley, lists some key answers received after asking one hundred people how they knew that they had received their father’s blessing. Following are some of the answers he received:

1. “My father would put his arm around me at church and let me lay my head on his shoulder.”

2. “When my father was facing being transferred at work, he purposely took another job so that I could finish my senior year in high school at the same school.”

3. “When I wrecked my parent’s car, my father’s first reaction was to hug me and let me cry instead of yelling at me.”

4. “When I was thirteen, my dad trusted me to use his favorite hunting rifle when I was invited to go hunting with a friend and his father.”

5. “My father went with me when I had to take back an ugly dress a saleswoman had talked me into buying.”

6. “My father would let me practice pitching to him for a long time when he got home from work.”

7. “Even though I had never seen him cry before, my father cried during my wedding because he was going to miss me no longer being at home.”

For those of us who have had or still have an unresolved father issue we know the pain of missing out on our father’s blessing. For fathers of children/teens who are reading this article, I trust you will realize the crucial role you play in the emotional and spiritual development of your children. With your blessing they have a much greater chance of having a fulfilling life and a healthy marriage and family life. Without your blessing they may, like millions of others, spend the rest of their life seeking love in all the wrong ways and places, albeit in an unconscious and desperate attempt to fill the empty void in their heart caused by a lack of their father’s blessing and their subsequent father wound.

Suggested prayer (if you have a father wound): “Dear God, thank you for helping me to see that I never received my father’s blessing. Please lead me to the help I need for the healing and recovery of my father wound. (If you are a father): Please help me to be the father my children need so they will know without a shadow of a doubt that they have my full blessing. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: For further help see “Healing a Man’s Father Wound” (the same principles apply to healing a woman’s father wound) click on: http://tinyurl.com/9dse4. See also Norm Wright’s book, Healing for the Father Wound. Available at: http://tinyurl.com/32scsv)

1. Genesis 48:9 (NIV).

There’s an old story (probably a fable) about a school teacher who injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Sometimes it would be nice if life were that simple—if we could wear a plaster cast around our heart so our feelings would never get hurt!

Not so. The problem is, when we put a cast around our hurt feelings, that same cast also covers and blocks out our warm and loving feelings!

Also, when we hide and subsequently bury our feelings, we never bury them dead but very much alive … and in one way or another they come back to taunt us. And where do those feelings go? For me, by the time I was five I had learned that “big men” don’t cry so I stuffed my feelings, and by the time I was in my early thirties, I suffered from wretched hay fever. Worse still, my close relationships were anything but close.

I knew I needed help. Even though I had had years of teaching that feelings weren’t important and couldn’t be trusted, because my life was so empty, I got on my knees and asked God to help me feel again. Oh boy … that prayer turned my world upside down and made praying for patience look like a Sunday school picnic. It took deep pain to break through my cast-like defenses.

My recovery and healing didn’t happen overnight, but the good news is that when I learned to cry again and express my hurt and pain instead of stuffing it, I was healed of hay fever. And my personal relationship have never been more fulfilling, ever. With God’s help and the help of excellent teachers and counselors I have learned to live and love again.

It may not sound refined, but the fact is that the feelings we stuff, stuff up our lives!

When it comes to handling feelings as God intended, the best example we can ever find and follow is to read about the life of Jesus in the Gospels and see how he handled his emotions. When he grieved, he wept. When he was angry, he expressed it creatively and did something about what made him angry.

Suggested prayer. “Dear God, how dull and empty life would be without the emotions you have given to us as a gift to be cherished. Please help me to be real with my feelings and handle them creatively—as Jesus did—so I can learn to fully live and fully love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

In “Character Counts” Michael Josephson shares how the students at Sandy’s high school were badly shaken by the news that a classmate had just committed suicide. He left a note saying, “It’s hard to live when nobody cares if you die.” Realizing this was both a traumatic event that needed to be confronted and a teachable moment, a teacher talked to the students about how important it is that people feel valued. So, he told them to imagine they were about to die. Then he gave an assignment: “Write a note to tell someone how important he or she is to you.”

Sandy, who had a rocky relationship with her mother, was especially moved by the idea that she might die without telling her mom how important she was, so she wrote a note: “We’ve had some rough times and I know I haven’t been a very good daughter but I know I’m lucky to have you in my life. You are the best person I’ve ever known. Thanks for not giving up on me.” She told her mom about the assignment and gave her the note. Her mom cried and hugged Sandy but said little.

The next morning Sandy found a note on her mirror. “Dearest daughter,” it said, “I want you to know how much you are valued. Being your mother is the most important thing in my life. The truth is I’ve felt like such a failure I was seriously considering ending it all. I thought you’d be better off without me. Your appreciation makes my life worth living.”

Be careful not to underestimate the power of expressed appreciation. As Sandy learned, it can make a big difference.²

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be an encourager to all the people you bring into my life, and help me always to remember and be thankful for all the encouragement I have received from you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 3:13. (NIV).

2. This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts. www.charactercounts.org

An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell out any difficult words.

Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently say, “My difficult word is reconciliation: R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.”²

A Daily Encounter reader (whom I will call Frieda) knows just how difficult reconciliation can be. She lives close to her parents and shares how critical and emotionally abusive they are of her and her daughter. She has tried everything she knows to forgive them and bring about reconciliation but nothing has worked. Worse still, they won’t even admit that they are abusive. She feels that if she distances herself from them it will “kill” them.

The fact is that it won’t kill them. And, if they act as if it will, and cry, “Poor ‘me’ … how could you treat us like this?” that would be just another form of manipulative abuse.

Frieda may feel it will “kill” her, for we often project onto others what we are afraid of happening to ourselves. If she tolerates abusive behavior of herself and her daughter, she is being a part of the sickness, and it may very well kill her before her time. Such stress can and does take years off of one’s life.

Forgiveness, as we have spelled out before, is dependent only on us. That’s what makes it possible and that is what frees us. Reconciliation is the ideal to work towards, but sometimes it just isn’t possible, as this is dependent on both parties.

To free ourselves from toxic, abusive people, we need to have healthy boundaries, exercise tough love, and make it very clear to these people that: (1) We don’t appreciate their critical, judgmental, and/or abusive treatment of us; (2) That we will no longer tolerate it; (3) That if it happens even one more time, we will distance ourselves from them; and (4) We will not have any contact with them until they choose to treat us in a kind and loving manner.

And of course, we need to be absolutely sure that we always treat them in a kind and loving manner. Keep in mind, too, that the most loving thing to do with toxic people is to distance yourself from them—for your sake and theirs.

If you distance yourself from them, they may or may not change their treatment of you, but unless you exercise tough love, maintain healthy boundaries rather than keep on taking their abuse, you can be almost certain that they will continue to abuse you.

What others do is their choice. What we allow them to do to us is our choice. Remember on most occasions Jesus was tender and compassionate. But when called for, he blasted the phony religious leaders. He used a whip to drive out of the temple the money changers who were misusing the house of God to rip people off. And he said about children: “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.”³

Tough words. Tough love. We too, need to love the things God loves and hate the things he hates—and God hates anything that is destructive of those whom he loves. Us!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the courage to stand against abusive people and the strength to disallow them to hurt me and/or my children. Help me always to know what you would do and give me the courage to do it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:23-24 (NASB).

2. From Michael Bledsoe beau@bledsoe.com

3. Mark 9:42 (NKJV).

Of all the requests for help from Daily Encounter readers, most have to do with impaired relationships. One of the toughest issues to deal with seems to be in the area of forgiving those who have hurt us.

For example another reader writes, “I have been dealing with an issue for some time. I was hurt deeply by two friends, but have never received an apology from them for what they did. I am trying to forgive and forget but haven’t been able to. I have prayed about it because I don’t want to become consumed with anger, but the pain is still there. What can I do?”

I guess most of us have been in a similar situation, and, if not yet, sooner or later we will be. So how do we handle this type of issue?

As the Bible encourages us, it is helpful to go to the person who has hurt us, and share with him/her how we feel. However, when we do this, it is important not to go with a blame-game-attitude. This is because what they did is their issue, but how we react and feel is always our issue and responsibility. We need to tell the person who has hurt us that we appreciate and value their friendship, but that we feel very hurt. We need to admit that our feelings are our problem; explain why we feel hurt; and say that we would like to talk things over so we can resolve our feelings.

This is usually the best approach wherever possible—and we have the courage to do it! There is no guarantee, however, that the offending party will respond favorably. But once we have done our part (as long as it is in a caring and mature manner), the rest is up to them. However, if they or we are immature, it may make matters worse! That’s always a risk to take in seeking to resolve impaired relationships.

Either way, it is imperative that we resolve our feelings. If we don’t, our hurt and anger may cause us to become resentful, and affect us physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. If we can’t resolve our conflict the first way, and still can’t resolve our feelings and genuinely forgive, we need to talk to an understanding pastor, or if necessary, to a qualified Christian counselor who will help us work through and resolve our feelings.

However, before we do anything, we need to ask God to reveal to us the truth of what we may be contributing in any way to the conflict we are in. This is critical because (as already noted) what others do to us is their problem or issue, but how we react is always our issue and our responsibility. Furthermore, to the degree we overreact, if we do, that is always our problem. Remember, too, that supersensitive people who have unresolved hurts from the past, will inevitably overreact in one way or another, either by exploding and lashing out at others, or by imploding and turning their hurt and anger in on themselves and stay hurt, become resentful, and even physically ill.

Impaired relationships can be and are very destructive to ourselves and others, and are the cause of many illnesses—relational, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. This is why the Bible encourages us to not allow the sun to go down while we are still angry, and to resolve these issues as quickly as possible.

NOTE: For further help see “Forgiveness: The Power That Heals,” http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to never forget that I live in a broken world where all people, including myself, have frailties and are struggling at some level to find loving relationships. Please help me to keep growing in Christian love and learning to handle every impaired relationship in a mature, Christ-like manner, and in so doing be an example for others to follow. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV).

In church one Sunday the visiting speaker told how a U.S. soldier (whom I will call Ed) in Afghanistan received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. Understandably, he was deeply hurt. To make matters worse, she asked him to return her photo as she needed it for her local newspaper to announce her engagement to another man.

The men in Ed’s unit all felt for Ed and were mad at his former girlfriend, so they all gave Ed a copy of a photo of their girl friends. Ed put these in a box and mailed them to his former girlfriend with a note which said, “I’m sending you a photo of all my girlfriends and can’t remember which photo is yours. So will you please take out yours and return all the rest to me.”

Aha! “Good for Ed,” I want to say! Vengeance can taste so sweet—at least for the immediate present. I know at times when I have felt that someone has been critical of me and their cutting remarks have cut deeply, I want to strike back and let them have a verbal blast packaged in humor/sarcasm, and have to pray for grace so I won’t do what I want to do … or at least say what I’d really like to say!

However, as the Bible reminds us, vengeance is best left to the Lord and judgment best left to the Holy Spirit. For some of us, including me, we will need to be “growing in grace” for the rest of our lives.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to keep growing in grace so that I will not lash out and hurt others when they have hurt me. Help me to turn the other cheek, and always be as Christ to those I find unlovable. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:19 (NIV).