Avoid inflammatory words

To enrich your family life, it is also important to avoid inflammatory words such as, “You never” or “You always.” Such statements are rarely true. Put-downs also need to be avoided. They are thinly veiled expressions of hostility. It is much kinder to admit when you are feeling hurt or angry.

In his book, An Answer to Family Communications, H. Norman Wright tells of a study that compared happily married couples with unhappily married ones. The study showed that the happily married couples:

1. Talked more to each other
2. Conveyed the feeling that they understood what
was being said to them
3. Had a wider range of subjects available to them
to talk about
4. Preserved the communication channels and kept
them open no matter what happened
5. Showed more sensitivity to each other’s feelings
6. And made more use of nonverbal techniques
of communication.

Spending more time together is equally important for strengthening family relationships. When couples are too busy for this, they are too busy.

Families need to consider whether a father or mother should refuse a promotion if it means less time at home or if parents should limit participation in activities to allow for family togetherness.

Conflicts also need to be faced and handled creatively.

“When a married couple says they’ve never had a disagreement, they are lying, have poor memory, or one partner has been made a zero in the relationship,” says Clark Hensley, director of the Mississippi Christian Action Commission.

Wherever people live together some conflict is inevitable. Differences and frustrations (including money management and sexual problems) need to be talked about and resolved. If they aren’t, they will eventually be acted out through depression, ill health, or broken relationships.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to understand what it takes to develop loving family relationships. And help me to practice and live what I learn. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

To be continued…

1. Romans 12:9-10 (NLT).

Improve family communications

Faulty communications cause innumerable problems. This is especially true in the home. In fact, one of the first steps to improve family relationships is to improve family communications.

Family members need to talk meaningfully to each other every day, to show an interest in each other, to give constant understanding and approval, and to share and accept one another’s feelings.

Each member also needs to be given a say in family matters. When this is done, practical compromises—the oil for smooth family living—can be worked out.

Communication, of course, goes two ways. It involves not only talking but listening creatively; that is, listening to the real message behind the words.

Sometimes family members will say one thing when they mean another. For example, Dave asks June, his wife, if she’d like to go out for dinner. June is tired and doesn’t want to go, but feels Dave might be hurt if she says no. So she agrees. Then she feels resentful because Dave didn’t know how she was feeling. As a result, the dinner date was a flop.

If Dave is listening creatively, he may detect when June is saying “yes” but means “no.” However, it is important for all family members to say what they want and not leave others to guess.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to learn how to communicate effectively so that I can be a better friend, companion, and family member. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

To be continued.

1. John 13:34.

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A Daily Encounter reader writes, “I have a male friend who doesn’t accept the restrictions in the Bible regarding celibacy before marriage. He says that if he loves, cherishes, and respects the woman, it should be okay to have sexual intimacy. I told him that there are Bible verses regarding this, but have only found some and have trouble explaining further. Can you please help me and will you please consider writing on this topic.”

Sounds like a familiar line. Men—Christian or otherwise—who claim that sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable on the basis of their love for a woman, is pure manipulation. The Scriptures make it very clear that fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sinful. It’s not sinful because God says it is sin. God says it is sinful because it, like all sin, is harmful to those whom he loves—us!

Apart from health reasons (which of itself is sufficient to remain celibate outside of marriage) and the risk of an unwanted child, and then for some, abortion, sex outside of marriage can blind a couple to what kind of person their partner really is. Furthermore, becoming physically bonded too soon can and does stop couples from becoming emotionally and spiritually bonded, which is an essential foundation for building a healthy marriage and home. Furthermore, sex outside of marriage for those who rationalize that you’ve “got to try before you buy,” doesn’t prove a thing. Many couples who have been active sexually prior to marriage sadly discovered that once they were married, the sacredness of sex was over. Unfortunately some men give “love” to get sex while some women give sex to get “love”—a blind fallacy this turns out to be.

We may not always like God’s ways and they may not always be easy to follow, but God’s ways are always for our benefit. We defy them to our peril. We simply cannot improve on God’s plans. It’s much smarter, wiser, and healthier to get in on them. And in the end, investing in God’s ways and following his rules always produces great dividends.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the desire to know and study your Word so I will always know your directives. Give me the good sense to know that your directives are always for my good, and please give me the strength to abide by them and never compromise them because of my own fleshly lusts and desires. Help me to always live in harmony with your Word and your will. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 (NIV).

NOTE: For additional Scriptures on this topic see Romans 1:28-30; 1 Corinthians 5:1-2; 6:12-14, 17-19; 7:1-3; 10:7-9; 2 Corinthians 12:20-22; Galatians 5:18-20; Ephesians 5:2-4; Colossians 3:4-6.

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “Does true love exist? I have had three broken relationships. Each one made big promises he never kept. I have tried healing myself by reading some inspirational articles, but nothing worked. I always ask God, ’Why has all this happened to me when I was true to them?’ Is there no one made for me to give me love? I feel my life is full of regrets. Please tell me what I need to do to heal myself?”

The number one issue Encounter readers write to me about is poor relationships. The fact is that loving relationships—for which we were created—are vital for healthy and meaningful living. Without such relationships we limp along in the shadows of life eking out a lonely, empty and hollow existence—and very likely will die before our time.

True love does exist but it is a fruit of personal growth, maturity and wholeness—emotional and spiritual—for only to the degree that we are made whole will our attitudes, our behavior, our actions, and our relationships be wholesome.

Speaking personally, I had a lot of emotional issues from my childhood that I had to acknowledge and resolve before I found the love of my life. That took a deep commitment not only to God, seeking his help, but also for getting the counseling help I needed to overcome my personal issues and deficiencies.

Unfortunately, some Christians are expecting God to bring the “right” person into their life. It doesn’t work this way. If we want to be attracted to the “right” person, we need to be the “right” person. Only healthy people are attracted to healthy people. Actually, if we are truly honest with ourselves, we can learn a lot about ourselves by looking at our significant other relationships as we are as healthy or as sick as the people we are attracted to.

In earlier years why was I attracted to ladies who were afraid to love? It was because I was unconsciously afraid to love. This was because I had felt rejected as a child and was unconsciously afraid of being hurt again. To overcome my fear I needed to acknowledge it and get all the counseling help I needed to overcome. Was it easy? No, at times it was extremely difficult but I knew that unless I overcame my fear of love, I would be running from love the rest of my life. I acknowledged my need when my pain was greater than my fear.

So, like the young lady who asked if true love existed, if you are struggling with poor or impaired relationships, start by asking God to confront you with the truth about you and what it is in you that is causing you to be attracted to bad relationships? Without confronting this truth, you may be floundering in painful relationships for the rest of your life. As Jesus also pointed out, only the truth sets people free.

Then ask God to lead you to the help you need to guide you through the healing and recovery process. Unfortunately, in many parts of the world it can be extremely difficult to find qualified counseling help. However, there is some free online lay counseling that can be helpful. For counseling resources see https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see that my poor relationships are your wakeup call to awaken me to the fact that there are unresolved relational issues in my life. Please help me to see what these issues are and help me to find the help I need for healing and recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 13:34 (NIV).

“My wife is leaving me,” one man said to me, “what can I do?” My gut response (which I kept to myself) was, “Why didn’t you come to me at least five years sooner?”

I tried to assure this man that if he and his wife both genuinely wanted to save their marriage, there were no guarantees, but with wise counsel, deep honesty, courage, hard work and God’s help, they undoubtedly could. Both, however, need to be totally committed to saving their marriage, confront their own personal issues and quit playing the blame game, for in every conflict there are always two contributing to it in one way or another.

One way to keep a marriage healthy is to see and treat problem symptoms when they first appear. If these symptoms are the fruit of a deeper root, which they often are, they won’t go away of themselves. The longer we leave symptoms untreated the deeper their roots go and the stronger they become.

If there are things in your marriage or in other areas of your life that bother you, it is wise to seek competent guidance from a qualified counselor right away. Don’t put it off any longer. Make that appointment you know you need to make—today.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to recognize the symptoms in my life which, if left unattended and ignored, in time could harm or even destroy my closest relationships—including my relationship to you. And as I diligently seek the help I need, please lead me to the best help to meet my need. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 22:17-19 (TLB/NLT).

Michael Josephson of Character Counts says that “Mark Gibson, a former gymnastics coach, tells a wonderful story about a 15-year-old girl I’ll call Cindy. When Mark coached at a gym where several world-class gymnasts worked out, he said Cindy was the most important person in the gym. Cindy wasn’t the best athlete—not even close. But when she was in the gym, everyone whined and complained less, worked harder and achieved more. She brought out the best in everyone. You see, Cindy was blind.

“When it was her turn to do the vault, her mother would run alongside her, saying, “We’re getting close, we’re closer,” and when her mom said, “Vault!” Cindy, with complete trust in her mother and herself, would jump. It was awesome.

“Neither Cindy nor her mother allowed her sightlessness to confine her, so they soared like eagles for all to see. Cindy led in the most powerful way possible, not by fancy rhetoric but by example. All who watched her strive to be the best she could be realized how much more there is within themselves.”²

Cindy’s mother was a great encourager to her daughter. As Christians, that’s what you and I need to do for others.

The word encourage comes from “en,” meaning “in,” and “courage” meaning to “fortify one’s inner strength in fearful situations.” In other words, an encourager is one who puts courage into another or who puts inner strength into others when they are afraid or needing a helping hand.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for all the people in my life who have encouraged me along the way—who have helped spur me on when I was feeling insecure, fearful, and afraid of failure. They were ‘as Jesus’ to me. Help me to be sensitive to the needs of fellow strugglers and be ‘as Jesus’ to them and be a great encourager in their time of need. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV).

2. Michael Josephson of Character Counts www.charactercounts.org

One night when I was watching the news on TV, I couldn’t help but notice that one group who were demonstrating against war became very violent. Violent peace—an oxymoron if ever there was one!

Now, I’m not against peaceful demonstrations, but when people get violent, it seems to me that they are very angry and are looking for a peg on which to hang their anger. That is, they want to blame someone or anything outside of themselves for their own personal problems.

Unfortunately, this happens far too often in relationships. Angry people breed anger and until they “own” their anger (admit that they have an anger problem), they will continue to look for pegs on which to hang their anger and blame others for their anger and rage. What happens doesn’t make them angry—it just triggers it. To blame others or external circumstances for one’s anger is a handy excuse to hang on to if we don’t want to grow up and accept personal responsibility for our problems.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t get angry at wrongdoing and evil. We should. But when we overreact and become violent or rage-full, that is entirely our problem. The purpose of anger is to bring about creative change—not to lash out at others and blame them for our rage.

So … if you are angered too easily, too often, too much, and react out of proportion to what has happened, and you want to bring about change, may I kindly suggest that you start the change in yourself, admit your problem, and seek help to resolve it.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see through my blind spots and acknowledge all of my problems and character issues. Help me to accept personal responsibility for resolving them, and lead me to the help I need to do so. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

For further help read “Taming Your Anger” at: http://tinyurl.com/tame-anger.

1. Ephesians 4:26 (NLT).

King Duncan writes about Larry Doby who was one of baseball’s finest hitters. He is well known by baseball fans because he was the first African-American to play for an American League team. “The year was 1947. Doby was a promising rookie for the Cleveland Indians but he didn’t look very promising his first time at bat. He was tense and nervous. He swung at three pitches, missed each of them, and struck out badly. He didn’t get within a foot of the ball. Slowly he walked to the dugout with his head down. He sat on the very end of the bench and rested his head in his hands.

“A player by the name of Joe Gordon was on that same Cleveland team. Joe was an outstanding second baseman. He batted right after Doby. Gordon had a good record batting against the pitcher who was on the mound that day. But something quite extraordinary was about to happen. Joe Gordon went up to the plate and missed three pitches in a row—each of them by at least two feet. He walked slowly to the end of the bench and sat down next to Larry Doby. Then Joe Gordon slowly put his head in his hands.

“Did Joe Gordon strike out that day deliberately? We will never know. However it is interesting to note that every time Larry Doby went out on the field from that day on, he first picked up Joe Gordon’s glove and tossed it to him.”²

One would suspect that Joe Gordon probably did strike out deliberately. Good for him if he did. Sad to say there are some people in the church who are threatened by anyone who might be able to do something better than they can do or gain a little more recognition, so they underhandedly seek to block them at every turn. Think of how the religious people of Jesus’ day treated him? They were so green with envy, they eventually had him crucified.

But thank God for the “Joe Gordons” who have the gift of encouragement and exercise it generously! Let’s all encourage someone today. It could make a great difference in their life—perhaps for eternity.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the many people who have encouraged me along the way … have cheered me on when I was dragging my feet … and lifted me up when I have fallen. Please help me to do the same for others. And above all, thank you for your unfailing faithfulness to and everlasting love for me, even when I have been at my worst. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV).

2. King Duncan www.sermons.com

Jim Rohn says, “You can cut down a tree with a hammer, but it takes about 30 days. If you trade the hammer for an ax, you can cut it down in about 30 minutes. The difference between 30 days and 30 minutes is skills.”²

You could also put it this way: You can cut down a tree with an ax in about 30 minutes, with a chain saw in about five—so having the right tools for the job is a big help too!

On the other hand, it may take 30 years or more to replace that tree. So we need to be extremely careful before we start cutting down anything of value as we may never be able to replace it. Like blow upon blow of a sharp axe, blow upon blow of cutting words can hurt deeply, ruin a marriage, severely damage a friendship, and destroy the self-concept of a child!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, grant that my speech and my conversation will always be seasoned with grace and truth, and never be used to chop down anyone. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. James 3:8-10 (NIV).

2. Cited on “Quotes From the Masters.”