According to Chuck Colson in Breakpoint (August 3, 2009), “In the 1960s, the average South Korean woman gave birth to six children during her lifetime. Forty years later, South Korea has one of the lowest fertility rates in the world—slightly more than one child per woman.

“The sharp decline in fertility threatens the social harmony and ‘sustainable development of Korean society.’ Concern over the ‘national crisis of super-low fertility’ has prompted calls for political and cultural changes from unexpected quarters.^“2

Korea’s low birthrate, unless arrested, will eventually threaten its survival as Japan’s low birthrate is currently doing to Japan.

If societies and nations recommend only one child per couple, they are recommending a program for national extinction.

South Korea has realized this. Recognizing the needs of Society, Choi Seon-jeong, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of Korea, and the Korean government—”after years of encouraging families to have only one child”—have done an about-face and are now promoting “child-bearing and child-rearing.”

As Colson points out, we don’t hear the American Planned Parenthood officials talk about the needs of society. Their concern is that of an individual woman’s right to choose—regardless of the ultimate consequences of society and the nation. Anything less than this is considered an attack on their freedom. This is just another tenet of our self-centered, me-first generation.

When we abandon our moral foundation and keep pushing God out of society, we also abandon personal responsibility and will reap the consequences. Tragically, the so called “politically correct” and self-centered people just don’t get it.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from being a part of the self-centered, me-first generation and help me to become more and more like Jesus in every way and therein be a genuine example for my family, friends, and all the people in my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:7 (NKJV)

2. Breakpoint, August 3, 2009, http://www.breakpoint.org

Another Daily Encounter reader asks: “I would like to know what it means to honor your mother and father? My mother and I don’t have a mother-daughter relationship. I used to be so angry and bitter that I wouldn’t allow anyone to get close to me because I kept getting hurt. I tried to discuss my feelings with my mother but she got so angry at me that she hung up the phone and wouldn’t talk to me. I have been told that I am not honoring my mother. I would appreciate your advice on this matter.”

Jane (not her real name) asks a valid question because, without doubt, there are numerous—perhaps mega thousands—of adult children who have an impaired relationship with a parent or their parents. Until these conflicts are resolved, these people are bound to have ongoing conflicts in all close relationships.

However, if you were abused either physically, sexually, emotionally and/or spiritually by a parent or both parents, how do you even respect, let alone honor them? It’s a tough question.

First, I believe we honor our parents most by not allowing their mistreatment of us to stop or hinder our becoming all that God envisioned for us to be.

Second, it is critical that we don’t remain bitter towards our parents, and that we forgive them, because failing to forgive any and all who have ever hurt us is self-destructive. It’s “like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Third, before we can truly forgive anyone, it is essential that we resolve our hurt and anger towards them. Unresolved hurt and anger is what leaves us feeling bitter and resentful—and blocks forgiveness. For help to resolve these feelings read “Taming Your Anger” at: http://tinyurl.com/tame-anger.

Fourth, we also need to develop healthy boundaries so that we don’t allow our parents (or anyone else) to continue to hurt us. Forgiving people doesn’t mean that we have to like them or allow them to continue to mistreat us. Reconciliation should always be the aim but that is dependent on both parties. Forgiveness is only dependent on the one who has been hurt and thus is a choice. The Bible also instructs fathers [and mothers] not to provoke their children to anger or embitter them.² So while parents are responsible for what they have done and do, we are responsible for how we respond to what others have done to us. True, we need to forgive abusive people, but we also need to let them know in a loving way that if they continue this kind of treatment of us, we will have to distance ourselves from them.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if I have any impaired relationships, please help me to see and resolve what I may have contributed to these situations, and help me to forgive any and all who have ever hurt me so that I will be free from all bitterness and resentment. Furthermore, where I have hurt others, help me to be humble enough to admit it and ask for their forgiveness and do all in my power to reconcile with this person or these persons. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Exodus 20:12 (NIV).
2. See Colossians 3:21 (KJV and NIV).

Once upon a time sports used to be sports. Kids would play together at every opportunity they had. When my boys were kids, they played roller-blade street hockey just about every evening for several years with the neighborhood kids—young and old, big and small alike—and rarely got into any scuffles. They supervised themselves without any parents pressuring them to score or win.

Later one of my boys played team ice hockey. Some of the parents were unbelievable. I even saw one father punch out another father. You’ve probably seen the same kind of thing as so many sports have become incredibly competitive—winning for too many has become everything.

If it weren’t so serious, it would be rather funny or idiotic—or both. As Bill O’Reilly reported, “If there’s one thing worse than a frustrated, would-be coach up in the stadium, it is perhaps an angry soccer Mom: Pattie A. of Greensboro, NC, really wanted her son to do well in soccer. Watching him play a game one day, she took offense at the referee’s ‘unfair’ calls. She also took action: running out onto the field, she punched the official in the mouth. The official was … 15 years old. Socking that kid didn’t play well with the judge, who convicted this overeager soccer mom of assault. She was fined and … banned from all soccer games for three years—a catastrophic punishment for a mother of this sort.”²

It’s sad that many sports today seem to have little, if any, character-building characteristics. Winning isn’t everything. It’s nice to win but everybody can’t win. There are always losers and if kids don’t learn to be good losers, they are going to be in for some big shocks as adults. What is more important is teaching kids to enjoy playing the game and working together as a team. The same principle should apply to high school and college athletes as well.

It’s we parents and adults who need to set the example, for we are the ones who have pressured our kids to perform, and more often than not, just to boost our own ego. In God’s book, winning is doing right, doing our best, and persevering in the face of opposition and discouragement.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to ‘throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles me, and help me to run with perseverance the race that you have marked out for me,’ and thereby be a true winner in your sight. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 12:1 (NIV).
2. The O’Reilly Factor, Bill O’Reilly, p. 115. Cited on: http://www.esermons.com/.

Em Griffin, in his book, The Mind Changers, says about today’s Scripture: “This is the most ignored bit of advice I know of in Scripture, probably because we’re afraid that people won’t like us or trust us when they see how crummy we really are. But the reverse is true. They’ve got the same sin problem. As we openly reveal our innermost struggles, the plastic masks we wear begin to slip. Human warmth escapes and people begin to respond in trust.”

As Richard Halverson, former chaplain of the U.S. Senate, said, “Only sinners can relate.

“Sinners enjoy authentic fellowship. Saints don’t!

“People who pose as saints aren’t liberated to remove their masks.

“Under pressure to project conventional piety, they are unable to open up and share themselves.

“Upholding the traditional religious image, they remain invulnerable in human relationships because they dare not expose their real selves.

“They major in propositions rather than persons . . . share their victories but never their failures . . . congratulate one another in their little mutual admiration society.

“Meeting head to head instead of heart to heart, protecting themselves against discovery, they ricochet against each other like marbles.

“The authentic saint is oblivious to his sainthood, deeply aware of his unworthiness, sensitive to his failure, confesses he is a sinner, which makes possible true fellowship.

“Sinners acknowledge their inadequacy, lean heavy on God’s grace, and identify quickly with need in others.

“Recognizing all men are sinners, unwilling to hide from the truth, they share their weaknesses, confess their sin to one another, and do not fear vulnerability.

“They come together like crushed grapes, crushed and fragrant, dependent upon each other and God.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to be open and honest with at least one trusted friend with whom I feel safe to confess my, faults and failures, so that I can experience true connection and fellowship, and be healed as your Word promises. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

*NOTE: Today’s Daily Encounter is taken from I Hate Witnessing—A Handbook for Effective Christian Communications, by Dick Innes, pp. 63-64 (2003 edition). Available at: www.actscom.com/store.

1. James 5:16 (Phillips and NIV).

Here’s a test. You’ve heard of tongue-twisters . . . well here’s an eye-twister (which may be difficult for those whose primary language isn’t English). See if you can read the following:

“Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deosn’t raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?”

(Now I know why I am such a poor proof reader—especially of my own writing.)

The mind does a similar thing in other areas of life. That is, we see things not they way they are, but the way we are. For instance, if I am a negative person, I will see negative things in what others do—things that may not even be there—and be critical about them. If I am a supersensitive person, I will read into what others say or do and overreact—not on the basis of what they have said or done, but on the basis of who and what I am. On the other hand, if I am a loving person, I will overlook the petty faults in others and be accepting and forgiving of them, for love does “cover a multitude of sins.”

Indeed, what we see is who we are or who we are is what we will see.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to be a loving person and, while not being blind to evil, help me not to be negative or supersensitive, but to overlook the petty faults of others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 4:8 (NASB).

Seven-year-old Tommie was as cute as a button. In Vacation Bible School this past summer he was very attentive, bright, mixed with the other kids and related to them extremely well; that is, until his mother came in, sat with him among the kids, and kept her arm around him. Tommy immediately withdrew.

Smother mothers’ love for their kids is more need—not for the child but for themselves, the mothers. This is extremely unhealthy for the child.

I have a close friend whose mother was an emotional smother mother. She set him up in the home to be the “little father/husband” because she needed him to lean on and to meet her needs. Until my friend got away from her and into therapy to work through and resolve his fear of being smothered, he was afraid to love a woman. In his conditioned unconscious mind, to be loved by a woman meant to be smothered. For much of his life he kept running from love.

And as for Tommy, unless his mother stops clinging to him out of her own need, he, too, is being programmed for failure in love. He may never be able to love a woman for fear of being smothered. Mothers need to let go of their sons so they are able to identify with their father or other significant male if no father is around. Otherwise they never learn to fully accept themselves as men, neither are they able to fully love a woman nor be a supporting husband or father.

The same principle applies to clinging, smother fathers. Children need to be allowed to grow up and be trained to become self-sufficient, independent teenagers so they can become healthy, secure, and inter-dependent adults.

So many adults today still have the emotional umbilical cord attached to their mothers. They need to cut it themselves so they can be freed from their mother-control to become their own person.

As we see in today’s Scripture lesson, while Jesus was still dependent on his parents, he had cut the emotional umbilical cord by the time he was twelve years of age—which was the age for introduction into adulthood in the culture in which Jesus grew up.

Our job as parents is, among other things, to start letting go of our children even in tiny ways from earliest childhood so that by the time they are young adults they are liberated to become adults in their own right. If we smother a young tree, it will become stunted and die. If you smother a child, it too, will become stunted and die (or remain severely handicapped) emotionally.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if I am a smother parent in any way, please help me to see the error of my way and, as your human parents had to let go of over-controlling you, help me to stop smothering and over-controlling my children, so that they are free to become mature adults in their own right. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: Be sure to read the poem “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Note online at: http://tinyurl.com/children-live-with.

1. Luke 2:48-49 (NKJV).

In his book, The Magic of Teamwork, Pat Williams shared how “Chad Sheron was an outstanding basketball player at Vanderbilt University. He came up with a great metaphor describing the interaction of individuals and teams—but his metaphor comes not from the world of sports but from his premed studies at Vanderbilt. He observed that the various cells of the human body—muscle cells, blood cells, organ cells, bone cells, and all the other cells—are designed to work together to enhance the health and life of the entire body. Each cell is a part of the body’s ‘team.’ But there is one kind of cell that can create enormous problems for the body—a cell called a mutagen. ‘A mutagen,’ Chad observes, ‘is a cell that has stopped acting like its peer cells and just grows for its own sake. Just as mutagens cause cancer in the human body, people who behave like mutagens can have a cancerous effect on a team.”²

Either rightly or wrongly I was taught years ago in a pastoral counseling class that every church has a church boss—and very often it isn’t the pastor. Almost always, wherever people are together, there is someone who wants to be in control. The church is no different because we are all fellow strugglers—sinners saved by grace—and, unfortunately, we won’t be free from conflict until we get to heaven.

I recall some years ago in the church where I was a member how I said to the pastor about a “control freak” that if he (the pastor) didn’t get rid of this man, he would do his utmost to get rid of him (the pastor). He almost did and caused great harm to the church. So what do we do with these “mutagens”? It’s tough I know, but there are times when tough love is called for, and we have to do what we have to do. For if we have a “cancer” and don’t get rid of it, the cancer will get rid of us.

It may be a bit crude, but when they threw troublemaker Jonah overboard, there was a great calm. At the very least, discipline is needed to reform “mutagens.” If this fails, then the Jonah principle may need to be applied to save the many from the damage by the least.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me never to be a ‘mutagen’ in any group—whether it is at my work place, on a sports team, at church, and especially in my home. And where there is a ‘mutagen’ in any one of these where I am a team player, please give me the wisdom to know how and the courage to lovingly deal with this person as you would do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 12:26 (NKJV).
2. The Magic of Teamwork by Pat Williams, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, 1997, p. 10. Cited on http://www.sermons.com/.

A Daily Encounter reader writes to say how his wife seems to listen more to her mother than she does to him. He is frustrated and wants to know what he can do.

Actually it is amazing how many adult children are still being controlled by domineering parents. As long as they allow themselves to be under the control of anyone else—be it a parent, a domineering spouse, or even their children—they have a problem. It is a mark of their immaturity.

I recall having a policeman in one of my seminars who said that the children who were in trouble with the law in his town very often had parents who were afraid of them; that is, the children, and were allowing their children to control them.

People who seek to control others do so because of their immaturity and insecurity. They only feel safe when they are in control. This, of course, gives them a false sense of security as it is a defense mechanism against facing and dealing with their insecurities.

On the other hand, adults who allow others to control them also do so because of their immaturity and insecurity. They are afraid to stand up for themselves and take control of and responsibility for their own life. As adults we are to be our own person—under our own control and direction–not to be independent in relationships, but interdependent.

Furthermore, when adults allow themselves to be controlled by others, they cannot be under God’s control or direction. And when people (including some legalistic pastors) seek to control others, they are playing the role of God in other people’s lives.

As for married couples who allow themselves to be controlled by either of their parents, they are setting themselves up for major marital conflicts. As the Bible teaches, when we marry, we are to leave our parents and depend on each other. That is, we are to cut the emotional umbilical cord that can keep us tied to and controlled by a domineering parent. If our parents don’t cut the cord and let go, we need to cut it ourselves.

The same principle applies to single adults who have a control freak parent whom they are still allowing to control them.

Sure, it isn’t easy to cut the emotional umbilical cord that’s been connecting us since we were in the womb. Try to cut it and the control freak will get mad and try to put us on a guilt trip—but that’s his/her problem and we are not responsible for his/her reaction. Cutting the cord starts by saying, “no,” then “No,” and then “NO” if called for.

You can practice saying “no” to high-pressure sales people such as some telemarketers. You don’t have to give a reason why you are saying “no.” In other words, start by saying “no” in the easiest places first. The more you do, the stronger and more confident you will become. It may take a while for you timid ones, but you can learn to do it too. Or take a course in assertiveness training. It will be worth its weight in gold.

Remember, we are only controlled by others when we allow it. Furthermore, and most important of all, if we want our life to be under God’s control and direction, we need to take ourselves out from under the control of anyone else—be it a parent, a child, or even a spouse. Marital partners are to be co-equal with each other with neither one controlling the other.

Tomorrow we will discuss how to handle guilt-throwers who use guilt to control even their adult children.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from allowing myself to be controlled by others and from ever controlling others. I willingly commit the control of my life to your Holy Spirit. And please help me to give others the same freedom. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Genesis 2:24 (NIV).

As noted yesterday, wherever people live together some conflict is inevitable. Keep in mind, however, that many reactions to conflict are overreactions caused by unresolved conflicts from the past. For instance, if you had a “nagging” parent and your partner even appears to be “nagging,” chances are your old feelings will be triggered and you will overreact.

When we overreact, the overreaction is always our problem. We need to accept responsibility for that and not blame others. Otherwise, conflicts will remain unresolved.

To admit that one is overreacting is being mature. To blindly act out those feelings is immature. Instead, when anxious emotions are triggered, don’t deny these feelings but say to yourself, “How would I act in this situation if I weren’t feeling so upset?” Then try to act accordingly and then verbalize your feelings without blaming the other person for them.

If overreaction is a pattern of your behavior, do not hesitate to seek help from a competent pastor or counselor. To admit need for help is also a sign of maturity.

Forgiveness is another essential quality in healthy relationships

“Many marriages are gradually eroded and eventually destroyed because one person is unable to forgive,” says Norman Wright. “A person who continually brings up something his spouse did or said in the past continues to punish the other person and erects a wall of coldness.”²

As God forgives us when we confess our wrongs, we also need to forgive each other.³

Clear communications, doing things together, handling conflicts creatively, and forgiving each other are all vital for family harmony. However, the most important need is to put God at the center of your home. He can make a much better job of it than you can if you will daily commit your life to him and follow his divine order for the home.

Research has shown that families who are deeply committed to their Christian faith have a much better chance of having a happy marriage and home. A good way to start is by going to church this week as a family.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I have a conflict with any friend or family member, please help me to communicate effectively without overreacting or playing the blame game. And where I’ve been hurt, please help me to deal with my feelings in a creative way and forgive the one who hurt me as you have so freely forgiven me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: This series on the family is adapted from the online article, “Enrich Your Family Life” by Dick Innes at. http://tinyurl.com/enrich-family-life.

1. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT).
2. Family Life Today, January 1980.
3. See Colossians 3:13.