Everybody needs to love and be loved. We all know this, but what we don’t always realize is that some of us don’t get our love needs met because we’re afraid to love and be loved. This is because somewhere in our past we were hurt by those who were supposed to love us. To love again means to be hurt again.

Take Jill for example. She was continually accusing Tom, her husband, of being over-interested in other women. Any friendliness Tom showed toward the opposite sex was misinterpreted by Jill based on her own fear.

Through counseling, Jill came to see that her fear belonged to her past. When she was very young, her father left her mother for another woman and abandoned her as well. Deep down Jill feared that Tom would do the same to her.

Tom loved Jill very much and had no intention of leaving her. Neither did he have any personal interest in any other woman. However, because of Jill projecting her fear on to Tom, her accusations were pushing him away. Had she not realized and received help to overcome her problem, she may very well have destroyed her marriage and the love she needed the most. Unless resolved, all too often the thing we fear we make to happen.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to recognize any unresolved fears in my life that may be hurting myself or others, and to find the help I need to overcome so I can be made perfect in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. 1 John 4:18 (NKJV).

Bill Snell was a very successful businessman, the president of a civic club, and a member of the local school board. He was also a devoted family man, and was especially close to his son, Jerry. Whenever possible, Jerry loved to go with his father wherever he went, and would often go to work with him at his furniture store. He became known as Mr. Jerry by many of the customers.

However, one place Bill would never go with his wife and Jerry was to Church and Sunday school claiming that he was too busy. This greatly disappointed Jerry who loved church and Sunday school.

One Sunday Jerry’s Sunday school teacher asked him, “When you get to heaven, what are you going to do first?” Without hesitation, Jerry replied, “I’m not going to heaven! I’m going with my dad. We go everywhere together.”

Soon after this Jerry’s Sunday school teacher told Bill what his son had said when he asked him about Heaven. “That’s just like him,” Bill said, “he always wants to be with me.”

“And where are you going Bill,” Jerry’s teacher gently asked him. “Where are you taking Jerry?” Bill knew exactly what she meant but felt too ashamed to answer.

The question plagued Bill. The thought, “Where am I taking my son,” kept playing over and over in his mind. Fortunately, soon after, Bill accepted Jesus as his Savior and knew then that he and Jerry would both be going to Heaven and be together forever.²

A timely question for all parents is, “Where are you taking your children?”¹

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to so live that my children, my loved ones, my friends, and my contacts will know that I am a true follower of Jesus and that they too will want to go where I’m going knowing that their sins are also forgiven, and that they have been given the gift of eternal life by accepting Jesus as their Savior. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: For help in knowing where you are going, be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Christian.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NASB).

2. Adapted from KneEmail #670. http://www.oakhillcoc.org.

I remember years ago how a friend said that some people are “cursed with the affliction to give advice.” I had no idea what he meant. Sure sounded strange to me. Now I understand. He was talking about unsolicited advice; that is, giving advice where it is neither asked for nor wanted.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, people “offering unwanted advice or services” are officious. I think that word is close to “obnoxious.” Such advice can be thinly veiled criticism.

I’m not talking about going to a lawyer, an accountant, a car mechanic, or whatever when we need professional advice. What I’m talking about is when we share our struggles and feelings with a friend and they have a compulsion to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do, or how we should or shouldn’t feel. They are in fact putting us down in that they are assuming that they know our needs and understand our situation better than we do ourselves.

Even when some people want advice about a personal issue, it is more effective not to give it to them, but help them come up with their own options and solutions.

A good counselor doesn’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t do. He helps them see for themselves what they need to do.

What I want from a friend when I am feeling in the pits, is someone to listen to me with their heart, to give me their presence, and accept me as I am, and let me know that they care—not try to fix me—or someone who will weep with me when I weep. Such friends may be rare but they are worth their weight in gold.

In his book, Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be a true friend and to be there for those who are hurting, not to give them advice or try to fix them or resolve their problems, but to listen to them, accept their feelings, give them my presence, love them, and be as Jesus to them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader whom I will call Linda wrote: “As an unmarried incest survivor who is a Christian, I wondered if you might address the subject of ‘touch deprivation’ in an upcoming devotional. I find that, though I have had counseling and there has been tremendous growth and healing, I struggle desperately each day with being completely deprived of touch. I have been asking the Lord for many years now for someone to love me, so I can experience closeness, touch, and companionship. Would it be possible to address this issue?”

Many articles, both personal and scientific, all attest to the healing power of touch. Children who were deprived of sufficient loving touch often grow up to be somewhat cold and distant in relating to other people. Other children who were abused either physically or sexually can also have relational and emotional difficulties as adults. While they hunger for touch, touch can trigger their painful memories of past hurtful experiences and revive all those associated negative emotions.

As adults we still need the healing power of touch. If we don’t get this need met in healthy ways, we can become physically ill, emotionally starved, and/or try to get the need for touch met in unhealthy ways such as in harmful sexual activities that only add to one’s emotional deprivation and sense of loneliness.

So, how do people like Linda who is only one among thousands in this predicament get their needs for touch met?

First, people who have been hurt by harmful touch need to get into an effective recovery/therapy program to overcome their fear of touch and resolve the painful memories and emotions that are triggered by touch.

Second, rather than praying for a partner to love, pray that God will lead you to a healthy recovery program so you can be healed, for only healthy people find healthy love.

Third, a very effective way to get the need for touch met in a healthy way is through wholesome massage by a registered masseuse and/or masseur. This applies to both men and women. A half-hour massage can reduce stress, support your immune system, help you feel calmer, and meet your need for touch hunger. This is very non-threatening touch as there is nothing demanded back from you in return.

Fourth, if you are a woman, hug your sister, your mother, little children, and your friends. If you are a man (men need touch just as much as women), and don’t feel comfortable yet in hugging other men, start touching your brother or friend on the arm, or patting him on the back. In time you will learn to be comfortable with a good bear hug from other men.

Fifth, a great place to give and receive healthy touch and hugs is in a healthy church. In Paul’s day it was culturally acceptable (as it still is in some cultures) to greet one another with a holy kiss. Here in the West we, especially we men, don’t find this culturally acceptable. So, to be culturally adaptable, let’s put it this way, “Greet one another with a holy hug.”

Remember, Jesus held the children and blessed them. He also touched sick people when he healed them. His indeed was a healing touch. And healing touch is something we all need.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that your Son Jesus always gave people in need a healing touch. Help me to find the healing touch that I need and become a healing ‘toucher’ to others—always touching and hugging to give love and not for any ulterior motive. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Mark 10:13-14, 16 (NKJV).

You may have read about an experiment where “pigeons were put in cages with one green and one red button. In one cage, if the birds pecked the green button they got food every time. In the other, the green button yielded food erratically and the pigeons had to persist to get enough food. In both cases, pecking the red button did nothing. Both sets of birds thrived, learning what they had to do to survive and ignoring the red button that yielded no food. But when the birds that were used to getting a reward every time were put in the cage that fed them only occasionally, they failed to adapt; they hit their heads against the cage and pecked wildly at everything in sight.”²

Birds and animals can be very smart and quickly learn to pursue activities that produce positive results while avoiding activities that don’t. Pity we humans aren’t always as smart. Too many of us invest our lives in empty, meaningless or even harmful activities and relationships, and have a way of continually hitting red buttons that always result in getting negative responses.

Others, who, like the pigeons that were used to getting rewarded all the time when put in the cage where they were rewarded only occasionally, couldn’t cope, so people who, when growing up, were overprotected, spoiled, or had parents that did far too much for them, have a difficult time adjusting to adult life and accepting personal responsibility. Also as adults, when we, other organizations, and/or the government do for others what they CAN and NEED to do for themselves, we keep them over-dependent and irresponsible.

As adults we need to eliminate (overcome) our own red buttons that trigger our unresolved issues from the past, and not purposely hit others’ red buttons that never result in obtaining what we need or want.

Furthermore, we need to learn through experience and hard work to accept personal responsibility for every area of our life. True, we were not responsible for our upbringing and early training, but as adults we are totally responsible for our recovery, our actions, our well-being, for who and what we become, and for every area of our life. To expect otherwise is self-defeating and ultimately self-destructive.

Most important of all is that we need to remind ourselves that we are not only responsible for ourselves and what we do, but we are also responsible before God and one day will be required to give an account of our life to him.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the gift of life and for all the blessings you have given so freely to me. Help me to see issues in my life that I need to resolve and overcome, to avoid unnecessarily hitting others’ red buttons, and help me to accept personal responsibility for every area of my life so that when I stand before you, I will hear your welcoming words, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Hebrews 4:13 (NIV).

2. Michael Josephson in Character Counts. www.charactercounts.org

You may have read the following poem, but it is well worth reading again:

I took a piece of plastic clay

And idly fashioned it one day;

And as my fingers pressed it still,

It moved and yielded as my will.

I came again when days were past,

The form I gave it still it bore,

And as my fingers pressed it still,

I could change that form no more.

I took a piece of living clay,

And gently formed it day by day,

And molded with my power and art

A young child’s soft and yielding heart.

I came again when days were gone;

It was a man I looked upon,

He still that early impress bore,

And I could change it never more.²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be as Christ to my children (and/or to any children that I may have the opportunity to influence) so that they, seeing Jesus in me, will want him in their life as well. Help me to model your love and loving ways so that my life will impact, not only my children so that they will grow up in the ways of God, but in some way every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 22:6 (KJV).

2. Author Unknown.

At some time every one of us will experience painful circumstances of one kind or another. The important issue is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens. Painful experiences can make us bitter or better. The choice is up to each one of us. Like the Apostle Paul we need to learn how to let go of what lies behind so we, too, can “press on” to achieve God’s goal for our life.

To do this requires the following steps on our part:

Quit playing the blame-game. One lady I was working with in a group setting complained bitterly saying, “I can’t understand why God gave me such a terrible husband.” “Who chose him?” I asked. “God did,” she replied. She had deceived herself into believing that fantasy. God will guide us if we genuinely seek his direction, but he won’t make our decisions for us. As adults we are totally responsible for every decision and choice we make. As long as we play the blame-game, we can never get on with our life. We stay stuck where we are and can do so for years.

Overcome denial. Fred (not his real name), has been divorced for close to twenty years. His former wife re-married soon after their divorce. But Fred is still living in the delusion that his former wife will return to him. He is refusing to let go of the past, and is stuck there. Denial is deadly if we ever hope to fully live and fully love.

Forgive to be free. No matter how badly we feel we have been hurt, failing to forgive keeps us bound by the past as we are unconsciously allowing bitter memories of past hurts to control our present life. As another has said, “Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Resolve supercharged negative emotions. Regardless of the reason, whenever we feel let down, rejected, or even abused, we have hurt and angry feelings. This is normal. To nurse these negative emotions is damaging to all present and future close relationships and meaningful living. Until we resolve these negative emotions, it is impossible to forgive.

Denying, suppressing, and/or repressing supercharged negative emotions is also destructive of physical, emotional, and spiritual health. No wonder God’s Word advises: “So get rid of your feelings of hatred [unresolved anger]. Don’t just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty … deception, envy and fraud.”² Stuffing negative emotions is not getting rid of them.³

As we follow these steps for letting go, we are freed to forget what lies behind and move onward and upward to achieve our God-given goals and life-purpose.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your Word with practical advice for healthy relationships and meaningful living. Help me to take responsibility for my responses to all situations, never play the blame-game, be free from denial and forgive everyone who has every hurt me so that I can let go of and put behind me all hurts and failures from the past, and ‘press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.’ Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 3:13-14 (NASB).

2. 1 Peter 2:1, 3 (TLB)(NLT).

3. For further help in dealing with negative emotions read “Dare to Be Honest” at: http://tinyurl.com/dare-to-be-honest

As I have said before, in working with divorced people over the years I have found that far too many divorcees are adept at primarily blaming their partner for the failure of their marriage. Most fail to see what they contributed to the breakup. I once did too.

Before marriage, many of us prayed that we would find the right partner when what we needed to pray was that we would be the right person. As much as many hate the following statement: we are as sick as the people we are attracted to—especially romantically. For those who want a more positive statement we could put it this way: we are as healthy as the people we are attracted to. In other words, if we want to have a healthy and mature marriage, we need to be a healthy and mature person.

I learned this the hard way because my first marriage was a disaster. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and, as a teen, being the only son with three sisters, I was set up to play the role of the emotionally missing father/husband in the home. My mother leaned on me emotionally; and as a teen I took a lot of care of my two younger sisters as well as much of the family home. In so doing I learned to mistake need for love.

When thinking of marriage, what kind of person was I attracted to? Yes, you guessed it—someone who unconsciously needed to be taken care of. At the time I didn’t realize that I was a super-codependent caretaker person and that the person I was attracted to was a needy over-dependent person. So which of the two of us was the sicker? We were as sick as each other and equally immature. I just happened to be the functional one. Tragically, we lived together alone apart and died a little every day. After 18 years of therapy, and every counselor having given up on us, I finally gave up. (As a side line, after our marriage ended, my cholesterol level dropped 80 points almost overnight. Stress is a killer! And what is more stressful than impaired and failed relationships?)

Romantically we are pretty much attracted to a person with whom our neuroses mesh. Or as a counselor of mine used to day, “The bumps on my head matched the holes in her head.” How true this is. In fact, we can tell a whole lot about ourselves by the kind of person/s we are romantically attracted to.

So when did I get to see my major part in my failed marriage? After years of therapy and our situation continuing to deteriorate, I was at wits end and literally begged God to face me with the truth of what I was still contributing to the mess my marriage was in. Almost overnight, even though I had never heard of the word back then, I saw my super codependency and realized that as long as I was taking care of my then wife, not only was she not getting better, but she was becoming increasingly non-functional. Because I was taking care of her, she didn’t have to get better. My codependency was in the way.

Indeed, it was this truth that set me free from my blindness.

In many ways the codependent is addicted to the over-dependent person. It’s the same with a co-alcoholic. As long as a wife (or vice-versa) is taking care of her alcoholic husband and rescuing him from the results of his avoided responsibilities, she is an equal part of his sickness and needs to get out of the way and let him crash. This will not guarantee his getting into recovery, but without her doing this, there is little chance of his ever facing reality and accepting responsibility for his own recovery. Codependents need to do likewise in that they need to stop doing anything that the over-dependent person is capable of doing for him or herself.

On a more positive note, if there is any depth and quality in my ministry today it came out of many years of struggle in a very dysfunctional marriage which challenged me to face reality and get into recovery for myself. I am thankful for my education, but I didn’t learn about life in Sunday school, church, Bible College, undergraduate college or in graduate school. As the old saying goes, I learned about life in the “College of Hard Knocks.” My failures and recovery process also taught me to encourage others when they experience failure, not to waste their pain, but to invest it wisely in their own growth and recovery, and then in ministering to others. Failure can be an invaluable teacher when invested wisely.

I was severely criticized and lost all of my church support after I was divorced more than twenty years ago. Yes, it is true, God hates divorce—but who in his or her right mind doesn’t do the same? Divorce is incredibly painful. I certainly don’t believe in easy divorce and firmly believe that divorce should only ever be the last resort when all else fails. But like David of old, God didn’t reject him after his failures, and I am extremely grateful that God didn’t reject me either after my failures.

I share my story not to gain sympathy (because my life today has never been more fulfilling or more productive) but to emphasize the fact that, especially in our churches and Christian circles, let’s not preach about the sin of divorce and treat divorcees as second-class citizens unless we teach and emphasize the tremendous need for helping our young adults understand the dynamics of relationships. We also need to point out the pitfalls of attraction that is neurotic, and help them become mature and healthy emotionally before ever looking for a marriage partner. Until we deal with the major causes behind failed relationships and marriages, we will continue to see a never-ending flow of “over the cliff” divorces. In other words we need “to build a fence at the top of the cliff before building a hospital at the bottom.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your Word that teaches us that it is the truth that sets us free. Please help me to understand not only the truth about you and your Word, but also the truth about myself, others, and the dynamics of relationships. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus” name, amen.”

1. John 8:32 (NIV).

Note: If interested, I have written in much more detail about the dynamics of relationships and recovery in both of the following books: How to Mend a Broken Heart and You Can’t Fly With a Broken Wing. These are both on sale at: http://actscom.com/store

For a number of years I have worked and taught in the area of “Divorce and Grief Recovery.” With divorcees we emphasize the importance of not getting into another committed relationship too soon; that is, not before resolving the grief and loss of their divorce—and even more important, not before facing and resolving the character issues that led them to be attracted to the person they married and separated from.

Time and again I have seen divorcees ignore this advice, and before long they are going through a second and sometimes a third divorce. The same can happen to widows and widowers who re-marry too soon.

True, there is nothing like romance to anesthetize the pain caused by the loss of a love and, like a drug, blind one to reality. People who use romance and/or sex to avoid facing their reality and deaden their pain, fail to see that while romance can lead to love, romance in and of itself is not love. Neither is sex. Romance can be triggered by physical and sexual attraction, by being over-needy, or by the magnetic pull of one’s neuroses (unresolved character issues).

The fact is that we are as sick (or as healthy) as the people (especially in romantic relationships) we are attracted to. We need to realize that what we fail to resolve we are destined to repeat. For instance, an over-dependent person will most likely be attracted to a codependent partner and vice versa. A weak, passive person will be attracted to a domineering and controlling partner and vice versa. A woman who had a bad relationship with her father is just as likely to be attracted to a man just like her father—and relate to him in exactly the same way as she did to her father. Or a man who had a bad relationship with his mother will likely be attracted to a woman just like his mother and repeat that bad relationship.

And the divorcee who fails to resolve his or her character issues will, in all probability, be attracted to the same kind of person they just divorced. The reality is that, before we can have healthy relationships, we need to be healthy, for only healthy and mature people find and make healthy and mature relationships.

And maturity is what God’s Word (as seen in today’s Scripture) encourages every one of us to become.

Furthermore, we strongly encourage all couples, whether or not they have been married before, to have in-depth pre-marriage counseling before they get married to ensure that they are suitable for each others, as feelings can come and go and be up and down like a yo-yo.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to see the causes in me that contributed to my failed relationship/s, and to find the help I need to resolve these issues so that I will become, not only mature in my relationship to Jesus Christ, but also in my relationships to others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: In our next three Daily Encounters we will discuss some of the key characteristics of maturity.

1. Colossians 1:28-29 (NLT)

A Daily Encounter reader writes in response to one of our messages on being peacemakers: “As you know, meaningful relationships require boundaries. Sometimes this means letting the other person know you are offended even if they do not react the way you might wish. At times keeping your boundaries may even mean terminating an unhealthy relationship.

“But what about when the relationship is one you cannot terminate, say with a parent, spouse, or other family member who is also a Christian? I am not speaking of blatant abuse situations but the gray areas in which a lot of people, including myself, often find ourselves. What about when parents have deep unresolved anger and hurt which they will not confront and resolve, so they wind up projecting it onto their children—including their adult children?

“So where is the line? How do you honor your parents and keep your boundaries?”

True, the Bible does say we are to honor and obey our parents, but it never says that we are to accept everything they, or anybody else, do to us, or ask us to do.

Meekness isn’t weakness. Jesus, of course, is the prime example of one who had healthy boundaries. He didn’t allow anyone to do anything to him without his permission, nor did he always meet the expectations of his parents. And he always confronted evil and wrongdoing.

So, while we are also told in the Bible to obey our parents and our leaders, when they, or anyone else, are abusive, evil, or do wrong, the higher law for us to follow is the law of God—and that is always to do the right thing. At times this will require tough love and saying “no” to anyone who would mistreat or abuse us, and who are being boundary busters with us.

When Peter and the other apostles were commanded by the religious leaders not to preach about Jesus, Peter said, “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). And they kept preaching.

And think how Jesus handled the religious Pharisees and those who abused the house of God (the temple) and were ripping off the poor. He drove them out of the temple with a whip and called them a brood of vipers!

If we ask ourselves the question, “What would Jesus do?” in every situation in which we find ourselves and could discern the correct answer, we would know what to do. And then we would need to ask him for the courage to help us to do it.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for Jesus who is the prime example for us to follow in every situation . . . whether warm and compassionate or angry at evil. Please help me to know what you would do in every confusing situation in which I find myself—and please give me the courage to do that without being controlled by false guilt or what others might think of me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus in Matthew 21:12 (NIV).