“Hey, Dad, what do you think of that?” asked one of my sons on one occasion when I was driving him to school.

“What do I think of what?” I asked as I had no idea what he was talking about.

“That ad on the radio,” he replied rather surprised.

The radio was at a reasonable volume but I didn’t hear a word the advertiser said. Why? It’s because we all have what communicators call a mental filter system. In other words we have a tendency to hear only what we want to hear and filter (or block) out everything else. This is called “selective attention.”

This is only one reason why relationships can be so difficult … too often we don’t listen to what the other person is saying and hear only what we want to hear. This can leave partners very frustrated. “I said such and such,” one says and the other replies, “No, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “No you didn’t.” And the self-defeating cycle continues.

Not only do we have selective attention, we also have selective exposure in that we mostly expose ourselves only to those things we want to see and hear. Like the wife who leaves the book, Seven Ways to Fulfill Your Wife’s Needs, on the TV hoping her husband will read it! Chances are he won’t see it, let alone pick it up and read it.

To make matters worse, another filter we use is selective perception which means that we perceive or see things the way we want to see them—often based on our needs, interests, wants, or self-concept. For instance, the man dying of thirst in the desert sees mirages of desert springs. Or if I have a poor self-image and you give me a compliment, I will think you are lying or wanting something.

To be concluded …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be always truthful, not only with you, but also with myself and others, and always speak and communicate the truth in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15 (NIV).

Over the past couple of decades I have had the opportunity to teach numerous adults—including many singles. One of the points I continually emphasize is that, while it may not be most desirable for many, we can live without romantic relationships, but we cannot live healthy lives without healthy relationships or connections. We need to be connected in spirit to at least one loving and accepting friend such as a trusted soul-mate, without which we limp along in the shadows of life. This teaching applies to married adults as much as it does to single adults. If, in marriage, you are not truly connected to your partner in an in-depth way, you can live together alone apart, and die a little every day. I know. I was there once. I had to learn the hard way.

And how do we become connected in spirit? We do this by walking in the light, which means bringing our “dark side” into the open and being honest with at least one trusted friend or soul mate. Only then do we have true fellowship and connection—with God and others. Only then do we open ourselves for “purification from every sin.”

As we confess our failures, sins, weaknesses, and our true emotions and motives, to safe people—or at least to one safe friend—and are not judged, condemned, or put down, but loved and accepted as we are, little by little we learn to love and accept ourselves. This in turn heals us from the pain of our loneliness, emptiness, and self-rejection—one of the major causes of adding to our acting out in sinful, addictive, and/or self-destructive behaviors.

The point to remember is that when we are acting out in self-destructive ways, we are disconnected. To overcome and live victoriously we need to stay connected—to our inner-self, to our dark side, to safe people, and to God.

None of us can make it alone. God never meant us to. All the spiritual exercises in the world, no matter how good, will not help us to live victoriously without this connection. It is imperative that we stay connected in wholesome, healthy relationships to safe people as well as to God.

Without personal, courageous honesty there is no connection, there is no recovery, there is no healing, there is no walking in the light—and there is no intimacy either with God or people. Anything less is but a poor shadow of the real.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to be and to find a trusted soul mate with whom I can be totally open and honest. And help me to stay connected to my inner-self, my dark side, to safe people, and, above all, to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name.”

1. 1 John 1:7 (NIV).

According to an article in Today in the Word, soon after Queen Victoria’s marriage to Prince Albert, the couple had a quarrel, whereupon Prince Albert locked himself in his private apartment. Queen Victoria knocked furiously on his door.

“Who’s there?” asked Albert.

“The Queen of England, and she demands to be admitted.”

There was no response and the door remained locked. The queen knocked furiously again.

“Who’s there?” asked Albert again. The queen’s response was the same … as was Albert’s.

After more furious knocking and no response came a quiet pause—and then a gentle tap.

“Who’s there?” asked Albert once more.

“Your wife, Albert,” the queen replied. Immediately the door was opened.

As the writer of this article pointed out, “Love opens doors.”

Need I say more?

Suggested Prayer: “Dear God, help me always to be a door opener and not a door closer! Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 13:8 (NIV).

When my two sons were teenagers I wrote the following poem, framed it and gave them a copy as a gift from my heart.

King Duncan of Sermons.com shared how his pastor told about a young female soldier who wrote home to her parents about a young man she was attracted to. “Of course,” she said, “since we are not allowed to wear makeup, he has no idea how I really look.”

Oh?

It’s incredible, at least in the Western world, how much value we place on physical beauty. But as we all know, outward beauty has little to do with the character of the person or whether they are real or not.

In the wonderful children’s story, “The Velveteen Rabbit,” by Margery Williams, the Rabbit asked the old Skin Horse the baffling question, “What is real?” To the stuffed rabbit, according to the boasting of the other toys, being real had something to do with being impressive and captivating.

But as the wise Skin Horse answered, “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to become real and beautiful on the inside, knowing that these are of great worth to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV).

The first connection every child has is with his or her mother. It starts in the womb, and as soon as the newborn baby is in his or her mother’s arms and on her breast, that connection or bonding is reinforced and sealed. Sadly, the child who doesn’t have healthy bonding in those early years is being programmed for life-long relational problems unless he or she goes through a healthy recovery program. If a young child feels no bonding at all, he/she can soon die.

Connection and bonding are essential for our entire lifetime. We cannot live without them. As counselors tell us, we cannot “not be bonded.” Thus, if we are not bonded in healthy ways to healthy people, we will be bonded in unhealthy ways to unhealthy people or to things. For example, some people stay in very destructive and toxic relationships for fear of being isolated and disconnected from everyone. Others become bonded to their work, gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, material possessions and so on.

Healthy bonding needs to be a priority for every one of us, not only in our family relationships, but also in our closer social networks. This should be available in every church. If you can’t find it there, find it with some open, non-judgmental, healthy friends, or in a recovery or twelve-step group if necessary. Healthy bonding and connection to healthy people is essential for healthy, wholesome, and meaningful lives.

As the Bible reminds us, the company we keep affects our lives.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to find at least one safe soul-brother/sister with whom I can be totally open and honest, connected to and bonded in a healthy way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV).

It has been wisely said that 80% of life’s satisfaction comes from healthy, loving and satisfying relationships. No matter how successful one becomes in the eyes of the secular world, without loving relationships, life can become extremely empty and lonely. Like, who wants to be the richest man in the cemetery when life on earth is over?

The reality is that mankind was created for meaningful and loving relationships—without which one can limp along in the shadows of life instead of fully loving and fully living.

As noted before, God himself is in relationship; that is, via the Holy Trinity—God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, one of the very first things Jesus did at the beginning of his earthly ministry was to “choose the twelve that they might be with him.”² If Jesus needed to be in relationship with people, how much more do we need to be?

One of the major keys for effective relationships is effective communications at the feeling level. We can converse intellectually at the rational level, but without sharing at the feeling level there cannot be any closeness or emotional intimacy. Couples who don’t know how to communicate effectively basically live together alone apart.

Tragically, at least in the Western world, we know how to put a man on the moon and talk to him while he is there, but so many married couples don’t know how to talk (communicate) effectively with their partner which involves open, honest, and trustworthy sharing at the feeling level.

Best-selling author, Dr. John Powell, believes that “most of us feel that others will not tolerate emotional honesty in communication. We would rather defend our dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others, and, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships. Consequently, we ourselves do not grow, nor do we help anyone else to grow. Meanwhile, we have to live with repressed emotions—a dangerous and self-destructive path to follow. Any relationship which is to have the nature of true personal encounter must be based on honest, open, gut-level communication. The alternative is to remain in my prison, to endure inch-by-inch death as a person.”³

Just one tip here . . . don’t ever tell anyone that they shouldn’t feel the way that they feel. We feel what we feel because we are what we are. Feelings in and of themselves are neither right nor wrong. We just need to understand them. Plus, we need to learn how to accept other people’s feelings without being judgmental or trying to “fix” them. Watching a TV interview last night with a young girl who was upset and began to cry, the interviewer (a grown man) simply told her not to cry. This made her feel worse and communicated to her that it isn’t acceptable to cry when you are hurt or sad. Tears are a God-given gift and are needed to drain the pain of hurt feelings. That is; genuine tears, not crocodile tears that are designed to manipulate or to conceal anger.

For further help in knowing how to communicate openly and honestly, please read the article, “Dare to Be Honest” online at: http://tinyurl.com/dare-to-be-honest.

Dear God, “Thank you that you created mankind for relationships. Please help me learn how to be a more effective communicator so that this will help me to have greatly enriched relationships. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: For additional help read “Enrich Your Family Life” at: http://tinyurl.com/enrich-family-life.

1. Psalm 51:6 (NASV).

2. Mark 3:14.

3. John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? p. 61. Argus Communications, San Mateo, Illinois. Copyright 1969. Used by permission.

One of the main problems Daily Encounter subscribers write to me about has to do with relationships. For instance, one subscriber whom I shall call Shirley wrote: “I have found someone who is a seemingly solid Christian. I have been such an idiot in past relationships and DO NOT want to make the same mistakes AGAIN. My question is, ‘How do I go about approaching a Christian courtship? My friend has expressed interest but is as ignorant on the issue as I am. Can you please help me as we would very much prefer to make new and different mistakes.”

Hello Shirley, thank you for being honest and acknowledging your past failures in relationships. The first step in overcoming any problem is to admit, “I have a problem—I need help.” The next step, and a very critical one, is to realize that unless we resolve the cause/s of past mistakes, we are destined to repeat them. Realize, too, that we are as sick (or as healthy) as the partner/s we are attracted to. Therefore, before even considering another romantic relationship, it is imperative that you become involved in an excellent recovery program to make absolutely certain that you have resolved all the issues in your life that caused you to be attracted to those partners you had in your past failed relationships. The fact is that only healthy people—both spiritually and emotionally—are attracted to healthy partners and are able to develop healthy relationships.

Furthermore, once couples are serious about a committed relationship and the possibility of marriage, it is wise to receive qualified Christian pre-marriage counseling to make sure their personalities will mesh and not lead to conflict, and to learn the skills of dynamic relationships and the art of effective communications.

By way of interest, the fact that you say that your friend is a seemingly solid Christian raises questions. If one is a genuinely committed Christian, it doesn’t take long to discern that. It’s what one does, how one acts, and what one’s real interests are—regardless of what they say—that shows who and what a person really is. As the Bible says, “Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”²

Also, to develop healthy romantic relationships, it is wise to attend marriage and relationship seminars and to read good books which you can find by going to your local Christian bookstore and check the section on marriage and relationships. The store manager or owner can give advice on excellent relational books. Unfortunately, we spend years in education to learn how to make a living but almost zero on how to develop meaningful and fulfilling relationships. It’s up to each one of us to ensure that we learn these skills.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you created mankind for relationships. Please help me to become more and more like Jesus in every way so that I will have meaningful and loving relationships. And, if needed, please show me any unresolved character issues in my life that could in any way be damaging to healthy, loving relationships. And lead me to the help I need to resolve these issues so that my life and relationships will always bring glory to your name. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: For additional helps check out the many helpful articles on the ACTS website at: https://learning.actsweb.org/articles/Recovery.php and https://learning.actsweb.org/articles/Marriage.php.

1. Genesis 2:18 (NIV).

2. Matthew 7:20 (NKJV).

While Jesus said we were to love our neighbor as ourselves, somebody else said, “Heaven help your neighbor if you hate yourself.” The fact is I can only love and accept others to the degree that I have learned to love and accept myself; that is, in a healthy and not a conceited sense.

This has nothing to do with self-aggrandizement. It has to do with how I see myself, what I think about myself, how I feel about myself, and how well I accept myself, as this will largely determine how well I do in love and life. In other words, we need to see ourselves as God sees us—with our strengths and weaknesses—and accept ourselves as God accepts us.

Take a bar of iron and make it into nails and it will be worth a few dollars, make it into weight-bearing posts and its value will increase, refine it and make it into stainless steel pots and it will be worth even more. Refine it ever further and use it to make finely tuned space-age rocket engines and it will be worth a fortune.

Life’s like that. If you believe in yourself and accept yourself the way God believes in and accepts you, with his help and refining (plus a lot of hard work), you can become the person God wants you to be. Then you will be able to do with your life what God wants you to do and therein gain a deep sense of satisfaction because your life is contributing to God’s Kingdom and the betterment of others. This gives one’s life a high and noble purpose and great value.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see and accept myself as you see and accept me and refine my life so it can be best lived for others and therein bring glory to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 12:31 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader, who had anything but peace in her heart, writes, “I’m a follower of Jesus, but I’m tired of being lonely, depressed and stressed out. I want to be happy and enjoy life, and not be so miserable. I also want to be a better mother to my children, and to have my family back together again.”

Hello Susan (name changed), unfortunately, both for Christians and non-Christians, there are times when life does get us down, and we need help to get up again. When we are down and feel miserable, we need to understand the causes for our blahs—causes that may be physical, spiritual, relational, and/or emotional, or a combination of any or all of these. Let’s take a quick look at each of these areas:

Physical. At times like this, it pays to have a good physical examination by your doctor to make sure there is nothing wrong physically, or if there is a chemical imbalance in your body. Either one of these can be a cause of misery and depression.

Spiritual. It is also important to make sure your life is right with God and that you are living in harmony with his will. For instance, unresolved guilt can cause havoc with one’s emotions. Thus, any and all sins need to be confessed and resolved so that you know in your heart that you have been forgiven by God. See below for further help in this area.

Relational. Quite possibly, the number one reason for unhappiness in life is impaired relationships. Thus, wherever possible, it is critical that any and all impaired relationships are resolved. Unfortunately, it isn’t always possible to resolve broken relationships especially when the other person involved isn’t interested in fixing the relationship or has died. Even the Bible acknowledges that it isn’t always possible to live at peace with everyone.² When this is the case, it is imperative that we do all that we can to resolve our side of the conflict and not harbor any negative, hurt, or angry feelings. Sometimes professional counseling is needed at times like this.

Emotional. Furthermore, if one’s depression is long-standing and the cause is not physical, relational, or spiritual, it is advisable to see a skilled professional counselor. For suggested helps in this area check our website for counseling resources at: https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I am feeling down, miserable, lonely, sick and/or depressed, please help me to see the real cause/s—including any unresolved issues within me—and lead me to the help I need to resolve my problem. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

For additional helps:

For spiritual help be sure to read “Forgiveness: the Power That Heals” at: http://tinyurl.com/forgive-to-heal and/or the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at www.actsweb.org/christian.

For emotional help, see articles on our website at: www.actsweb.org/recovery.

1. Colossians 3:15 (NIV).

2. Romans 12:18 (NIV), “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”