It’s amazing how many people actually blame God, the devil or anyone else for their own irresponsible behavior. I have a talk I used to give that I titled, “The Devil Didn’t Make Me Do It—I Can Mess Things Up All by Myself.” And I can. Sure we are all tempted from time to time but each of us is responsible for the choice we make either to resist temptation or to give in to it.

A former supporter of our work, a man in his mid-thirties complained to me about the opposite sex because of his repeated experiences in failed relationships and tried, without success, to get me to agree with him in his self-justification. No chance. A distressed young woman bemoans the fact that she and her boyfriend fell pregnant and wondered why God allowed it to happen. Amazing? Another man I know is convinced that there’s something wrong with most of the men he has had dealings with because none of them like him.

And here’s a classic from a woman in a support group I was leading some time ago. “I can’t understand why God gave me such a terrible husband,” she bitterly moaned in a whiney poor-me tone of voice.

“Who chose your husband?” I asked.

“God did!” she said and was dead serious. Her avoidance of personal responsibility and denial of reality was painfully pathetic. There was no way I could even begin to get her to face reality, let alone get her to take a good hard look to see the truth about herself. Without access to the truth there is no resolution, no recovery, and no freedom.

“When dealing with people [like this],” Jim Rohn says, “I generally take the obvious approach. When someone says, ‘This always happens to me and that always happens to me. Why do these things always happen to me?’ I simply say, ‘Beats me. I don’t know. All I know is that those kinds of things seem to happen to people like you.’”

That might sound tough but it’s true. The fact is that what we project is what we get back and what we allow we reinforce. We either face reality and admit exactly what our part is in all of these situations and get into a recovery program, or we continue to repeat our past negative patterns. As the saying goes, “If we keep doing what we’ve always done, we’ll keep getting what we’ve always got, and we’ll keep feeling what we’ve always felt.” It’s either resolution or repetition.

The only people God or anyone can help are those who say, “I have a problem. I need help.” And as long as you and I allow people in our life to get away with boundary-busting, irresponsible behavior, we become a part of their sickness.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whenever I’m in a jam or caught in a conflict or a problem, please give me the courage to face reality and see the truth of what I am contributing to the situation. And then give me the good sense to do something about it and resolve my part in it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 8:31-32 (NIV).

As noted yesterday, God’s goal isn’t to make us good for goodness sake. It is to fix us from the inside and to make us whole. We know that Jesus came to seek and to save those who were lost, but he never asked anyone directly, “Do you want to be saved?” His invitation was, “Do you want to be made whole or well?”

In several places in the Bible the word for saved can be equally translated healed. God’s goal for us is to heal the whole person in body and mind as well as in spirit. Accepting Jesus as Savior is just the beginning point. We are then to go on to maturity, to grow and become whole. This takes time. It is a process. There is no such thing as instant wholeness or instant maturity.

To be made whole we need to want it badly enough that we are willing to face and resolve the root causes of our negative behaviors, poor relationships, sins and sicknesses that are caused by unresolved personal issues—whatever they might be. We need to come out of denial (be real) and be connected to our dark side (those areas of our life that we don’t particularly want to see and definitely don’t want others to see), and confess these not only to God, but also to at least one safe, loving, and non-judgmental person—and be loved and accepted by that person in spite of our failures. As James said, “Confess your sins and faults to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.”² This is the path to healing and wholeness and also the way to grow in love, with love being the highest fruit of wholeness.

So the opposite of bad is not being good, but being made whole. Goodness that comes from the heart will be the result.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me, not only to be connected to you through Jesus, but also connected to my ‘dark side’ and to safe, loving, and accepting people to be loved, healed and made whole so that my life, actions, behaviors and relationships will be wholesome—and all goodness in my life will be the fruit or result of being made whole. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6.

2. James 5:16.

We don’t have to be good for goodness sake!

In fact, as strange as it may seem, being good may be our worst enemy. It was for the Pharisees. Their external goodness was a cover-up to avoid seeing who and what they were on the inside. Jesus didn’t approve of their external religiosity! In fact, he opposed it vehemently because it was an outward act and not an inward response.

It can bring a great sense of freedom to realize that God isn’t into rules, but rather relationships. His goal isn’t to make us good, but to make us whole and to see us healed from the inside out. The end result will be goodness but goodness that comes from a healed heart—not from adhering to rules dictated by legalism.

This is not an excuse to act out in sinful or destructive behaviors. Not at all. As the Apostle Paul said, “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means.”²

What it does mean is that I need to grow towards wholeness and maturity by recognizing my inner brokenness, my weaknesses, and my unresolved character issues and bring them not only to God for healing, but also to a trusted friend and/or counselor. As James said, “Therefore confess your sins [and faults] to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”³

Again, God’s goal is not to make us good, but to make us whole. It’s the heart that counts with him, not the externals. If all I have is external goodness, I am no better than the Pharisees. Realize too, that only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, our attitudes, our actions, our behaviors, and our relationships be wholesome.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see my broken parts so I can bring them to you for healing. Face me with my reality, make me whole, and lead me to the help that I need to do this. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 1:28-29 (NASB).

2. Romans 6:1 (NIV).

3. James 5:16 (NIV).

Do you always do what you truly want to do, or do you give in to other’s wants because you are afraid to say no? Are you swayed by what others think because you fear you won’t be liked if you don’t do what they want or think you should do?

A part of growth and maturity is recognizing our legitimate needs, taking responsibility for getting them met in healthy ways, and by being our own person in that we are being true to ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be controlled by what others want, think, or expect. The healthy, mature person makes decisions on the basis of what he/she knows is right for him/her. While we don’t give in to others’ demands, it doesn’t mean that we never give in to their wishes. It means that we do what we choose to do, not because somebody else says we should, but because we want and freely choose to do so. Living by others’ “shoulds” will imprison us!

Like David, learn to listen to your heart. Your heart knows what you want and need. Learn to say no to others’ demands when you know that to say no is the right thing for you to do. Allowing ourselves to be controlled by others’ demands and “shoulds” also makes us angry inside.

Remember, without the freedom to say “no” our “yeses” are meaningless.

We can learn to listen to our heart “deep down inside us” and trust it. I was taught that I could never trust my feelings (heart). Wrong. I have since learned that I can always trust my feelings. What I can’t always trust is my interpretation of them. However, with practice I’m getting much better at it, and believe I am a much wiser, healthier, and more mature person as a result.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to listen to my heart and become real. Help me to listen to what my inner self is telling me and above all else, help me to listen to what you are saying. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus Name, amen.”

1. Psalm 4:4 (NIRV).

In teaching classes and counseling hurting people I often remind them that the problem is never the problem and the pain we feel is not the pain that is. This usually takes a while to sink in.

In most difficulties and conflicts what we see is the presenting problem which, more often than not, is the symptom of a deeper problem or “the fruit of a deeper root.”

As someone else said, “When we have unresolved problems/issues, God is merciful in that he gives us symptoms.” Relational conflicts, anxiety, insomnia, depression, addictions, spiritual dryness, physical ills, and any of a score of other symptoms can be caused or greatly aggravated by unresolved guilt over past unconfessed sins, a deeply buried resentment and a failure to forgive someone from a past hurt, unresolved grief from the loss of a love, or rebelling against the will of God, etc., etc. The roots of some of these issues can go all the way back to early childhood. All need to be confronted and resolved if we are to fully live and fully love, and maintain sound physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being.

Furthermore, many of our physical symptoms can be symbolic. Some ulcers, for example, are not caused so much by what we eat but by what is eating us. Tension headaches can be from jamming up anger in our head. Aching shoulders may be caused by feeling under a heavy load and so on. And if I have a pain in the neck … I may be one, or have someone or some situation in my life that I feel is a pain in the neck!

Tracing symptoms to their causes and resolving these opens the door for healing and recovery. If we don’t connect to and resolve the original pain that is the root cause of our symptoms, we will suffer the ongoing pain of the symptoms. This is what I mean by saying, “The pain we feel is not the pain that is.”

After David confessed his sin, he said, “What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record. There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration. All day and all night your hand was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water on a sunny day until I finally admitted all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess them to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”²

David gives us an excellent example to follow.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, no matter what symptoms I have in my life, if they are the fruit of a deeper root, please give me the courage to see and confront these. And please lead me to the help I need to resolve them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (TLB)(NLT).

2. Psalm 32:1-5 (TLB)(NLT).