All posts by 5Q

Freedom from Guilt and Shame

“For God did not send his Son [Jesus] into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”1

Shame is similar to false guilt in that it is caused largely by someone who “shamed us” especially when we were young. That is, whenever we did something wrong, we got the message (verbal or non-verbal), “Shame on you.” “You are a bad person.” “You are a disappointment to me!” “I am so ashamed of you,” etc., etc.

Such criticisms are psychologically damaging. As the old saying goes, “Give a dog a name and he will live up to it.” People will too—especially if a person was constantly ridiculed, put down and shamed as a child.

True guilt says you have DONE badly but shame says you ARE bad. If a person comes to believe that he or she is a bad person, s/he will act badly. In real life we don’t always act consistently with what we profess, but we always act consistently with what we believe. So if we believe we are a bad person, that’s the way we will act.

When disciplining our children and confronting another person who has acted “badly,” we need to “condemn” the deed NOT the person! Example: “I love you but what you have done [name it] makes me feel angry and/or very disappointed.”

We need God’s help so we will learn to treat others the way God treats us. While he hates our sin because it destroys those whom he loves (us), he loves the sinner and doesn’t condemn or shame us. Shame and false guilt never come from God. They are man-induced.

Fortunately with God, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”2 When we confess our sins to God and ask for his forgiveness, and ask God’s Son, Jesus Christ, to come into our heart and life as personal Lord and Savior, God forgives us fully and loves us totally. Again, false guilt and shame never come from God.

“Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you love me no matter what I have ever done or failed to do. Please forgive all my sins and, Lord Jesus, please come into my heart and life to be my personal Lord and Savior. Please help me to forgive myself and overcome all false guilt and shame and help me never to shame others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: If you prayed and asked God for forgiveness and asked Jesus to come into your heart and life, please let us know by going to: http://tinyurl.com/pgntm. If you need further help, click on: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

1. Jesus (John 3:17, NIV).
2. The Apostle Paul (Romans 8:1).

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The Supreme Sacrifice

Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”1

On November 11, 1918, “World War I ended when Germany, bereft of manpower, supplies and food, signed an armistice agreement. The war’s tolls were at least 10 million dead, 6 million of them civilians, and 21 million wounded.”

How tragic and insane war is. The carnage, the killing, the maiming for life, the emotional trauma and scars, the grief of loved ones all because one man or a few men have an insatiable thirst for power with the grandiose dream of conquering and ruling the world or a significant part of it.

But thank God that when such men rise to power, that our young men and women rise up to defend the rest of us and are willing to sacrifice their life in order to save ours.

Today we remember all service men and women with much thanksgiving and grateful hearts. Where would so many of us be today had it not been for these dedicated young men and women?

As another has said so well:

“It is the soldier, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier,
Who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protestor to burn the flag.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, from those of us who have the wonderful privilege of living in a free country, we thank you for the multiplied thousands of service men and woman who put their lives on the line and for those who gave their lives in order to save ours. And we thank you for the wonderful freedom that we have as a result. May we never take these blessings and privileges for granted. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 15:13.

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Three Kinds of People

“It is required that those who have been given a trust [gift] must prove faithful.”1

It has been said that there are three kinds of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who don’t know that anything is happening!

Australian swimmer, Shane Gould, who won three gold medals in the 1972 Olympics, has been considered one of the greatest swimmers of all time. She didn’t sit back and watch things happen. She made them happen.

Early in her career, when she was only 14 years of age, a news reporter asked her how she thought she would do in one of her early swim meets in the U.S. She replied, “I have a feeling there will be a world record today.”

There was!

Shane set a world record in the one-hundred-meter freestyle event and a second in the two-hundred. When asked how she thought she would do in the more punishing four-hundred-meter event she said, “I get stronger every race, and besides … my parents said they’d take me to Disneyland if I win, and we’re leaving tomorrow!”

She went to Disneyland with three world records! By the time she was 16 she had five world records. It is true, she also had talent but she won not only because of this, but because of her preparation, hard work, and her positive self- expectancy.

Only a very few are gifted sufficiently to be able to win gold medals. However, every one of us is gifted in some area and most of us are gifted in several areas. And while we are not all called of God to be famous, we are all called to be faithful in serving him and our fellow man with the gifts that we have been given.

We, too, can be among those who make things happen if we are well trained in our area of gifting and are adequately prepared for the task we want and feel called to do. We also need to have faith in our cause, take advantage of opportunities when they arise, believe that with God’s help we can achieve what we set out to do, and are prepared to work hard to make it happen.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the gifts you have given to me. Help me always to use and invest these wisely for you and your Kingdom and in so doing be investing in eternity. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. The Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 4:2, NIV).

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Children Learn What They Live

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”1

Change is rarely easy. In fact it can be very difficult to change the patterns learned in our developmental years. Solomon noted the importance of early training some 3,000 years ago. Dorothy Law Nolte explained it rather precisely in the following words:

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.2

It hardly needs saying that we need to be very loving in the way we bring up our children. But what if we, as adults, didn’t receive loving, wholesome training as a child ourselves? Can we change? Yes, if we truly want to and are willing to accept responsibility for doing what we need to do to change.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, knowing that my parents did the best they knew how, help me never to blame them for any problems I have, and please give me the desire to keep growing so I become a warm, loving, accepting adult/parent. And please lead me to the help I need to overcome the effects of any deficiencies in my childhood training. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Solomon (Proverbs 22:6).
2. Adapted from “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte. See www.actsweb.org/child_live_with.php

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Unanswered Prayer

“This is the confidence that we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.”1

A friend told me about her minister whose five-year-old son told his father that he was praying for him. Excitedly his dad asked him, “And what did you ask God for?”

“Dear God,” I prayed, “I don’t want my dad to be a minister. Will you please make him the ice-cream man because he makes all children happy?”

We are amused by this child’s prayer but I wonder sometimes if God doesn’t laugh at some of my childish (not child-like) self-centered prayers. As someone else has said, God always answers prayer. Sometimes the answer is “Yes,” sometimes it’s “No,” sometimes it’s “Wait a while,” and sometimes it’s “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Like a loving father, God knows what is best for us and answers accordingly. Of one thing we can be sure, when we come to him through Jesus Christ our Lord with a sincere heart, God always hears and answers our prayers one way or another. One of the keys for getting prayers answered the way we request them is, as the Bible says, to pray in harmony with God’s will.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to know your Word and always pray in harmony with your will and always trust that the answer you give is what is best for me and all others concerned. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John (1 John 5:14-15, NIV).

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Hold Tight

“Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, unto which you are called.”1

I checked the following story on snopes.com but it wasn’t listed, so I can’t confirm it either way. At any rate it makes an excellent parable. According to the story: “On a commuter flight from Portland, Maine, to Boston in 1987, the pilot heard an unusual noise near the rear of the plane. Henry Dempsey turned the controls over to the co-pilot and went back to check it out. As he reached the tail section, the plane hit an air pocket, and Dempsey was tossed against the rear door. He quickly discovered the source of the mysterious noise. The rear door had been improperly latched prior to take-off, and it flew open. Dempsey was instantly sucked out of the tiny jet.

“The co-pilot saw the red light that indicated an open door. He radioed the nearest airport requesting permission for an emergency landing. He reported that the pilot had fallen out of the plane and wanted a helicopter to search the area. After the plane landed, the ground crew found Dempsey holding on to a railing on the aircraft. Somehow he had caught the railing and held on for ten minutes as the plane flew 200 mph at an altitude of 4,000 feet, and then, when landing, he kept his head from hitting the runway, which was only 12 inches away. “

In today’s pressured world it is very easy to be “sucked into” all sorts of temptations—which, if we give in to them, could easily destroy us. So we need to hold on tenaciously to eternal values and the eternal life that God has given to all who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the strength and courage to hold on to you, to my faith, and to eternal values no matter what trials and temptations may come my way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. The Apostle Paul (1 Timothy 6:12).

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What We Project

“Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”1

On one occasion when I was in a particular group, one man constantly and bitterly complained how negatively other people treated him.

As kindly as I could I finally said to him, “You know, John, what we project is what we get back!”

I felt as though my words fell on “deaf, angry” ears!

The fact remains, if we constantly project negative vibes and express negative words, that is what we will receive in return. Also, if we constantly project feelings of anger and express angry words, anger responses is what we will receive in return.

On the other hand, if we constantly project loving and warm feelings and express kind, loving and encouraging words, that, too, is what we will receive in return.

Unless we are being persecuted because of our Christian faith, as a general rule what we consistently project is what we consistently get back. As Jesus also said, “We reap what we sow.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to realize and accept the fact that if I am constantly feeling put down, rejected or criticized, chances are (in most cases) it may just be because of the attitude that I am projecting. Help me see what my problem is and lead me to the help I need to change. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus (Luke 6:38, NIV).

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Forgiveness

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”1

A friend sent me the following illustration: One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes. For every person we refused to forgive for whatever they did, we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag.

We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for two weeks, putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to our desk at work, etc.

The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually and emotionally, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget it and leave it in embarrassing places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for nursing our grudges. Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person while it clearly is for ourselves!

So the next time you decide you can’t forgive someone, ask yourself, Isn’t your bag heavy enough?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to forgive all who have ever hurt me and to never nurse a grudge—no matter what others have done or have failed to do—just as you always forgive me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus (Luke 6:37, NIV).

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Pray Without Ceasing

“One day Jesus told his disciples a story to illustrate their need for constant prayer and to show them that they must keep praying until the answer comes.”1

“Help God! Help! Forgive me for my sins and save me. And you’d better do it real quick because my mother is about to kill me!”

This was a prayer from Jamie, a friend’s granddaughter. Jamie, a four-year old, had just applied her mother’s fingernail polish to her fingernails plus many other places on her hands and in mother’s bedroom. A not too happy mother had sent her to the bathroom to wait until the mess in the bedroom was cleaned up.

When mother came into the bathroom, the prayer above was what she heard her daughter praying!

It’s good for all of us to pray whenever we are in trouble. Probably most of us do. I certainly do. As someone has said, “There will always be prayer in schools as long as there are exams!”

However, when we are in trouble is not the only time we need to pray. Like me, you probably have a “friend” or two who only calls you when they want something. As soon as you hear their voice, you think to yourself, “I wonder what s/he wants now?”

I don’t like those kinds of “friends” and I can’t help but wonder how God feels if the only time I come to him is when I am in trouble or want something?

As Jesus said, we ought to pray at all times and for many reasons—especially to express thanks and gratitude for all the blessings God gives to us daily.

Or as the King James translation puts it, “Men ought always to pray, and not to faint.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me a thankful heart and help me to give you my presence daily as you want to give me yours. Help me to pray about other’s needs as well as everything in my life and not faint. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 18:1 (TLB).

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When the Problem Isn’t the Problem

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”1

John was one of the most affluent men to ever come to me for counseling. He was a very successful medical practitioner but his practice had slipped badly and his second wife was about to leave him. He had just about everything he wanted that money could buy but was one of the most miserable men I had ever met. His world had almost fallen apart.

For the entire hour in that first session I sat listening to him berate his wife. On and on he went. Finally I said, “That’s not your problem.”

“What do you mean, it’s not my problem?” He angrily asked.

“Come back next week and we’ll talk about it,” I said.

The same thing happened the next week, and the next, and the next. Finally he got it. It wasn’t his wife that he was so angry at. It was his mother and he was projecting all his pent-up anger toward her onto his wife. Only as he faced the root cause of his problem was he able to resolve it.

Why didn’t I tell him sooner what his real problem was? Because he needed to see it for himself and could only do that when he was ready to quit the blame- game and face the unresolved anger in himself.

Many of our problems, especially relational ones, are the fruit of a deeper root—a symptom of a deeper problem. All we see is the symptom or what counselors call the ”presenting problem.” If we focus only on the symptom, we tend to reinforce it. While we don’t ignore the symptoms, we need to face and deal with the root cause/s so we can resolve the root problem and therein free us from the symptoms.

And what happened to John, our doctor friend? His marriage was saved, his practice was saved, and his wife became a counselor.

As Jesus said, “You will know [experience] the truth and the truth will set you free.” Or to put it another way, as long as there is any area in my life where I am not free then to that degree I am into denial; that is, there is some truth about me that I am not seeing and/or facing.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, here are the symptoms in my life [name them]. If these are caused by something in my life that I haven’t faced and resolved, please give me the courage to see this and the will to do what I need to do to resolve it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jesus (John 8:32).

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