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Resolving Conflict Creatively, Part II

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“Instead, we will lovingly follow the truth at all times—speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly—and so become more and more in every way like Christ who is the Head of his body, the church.”1

To resolve conflict creatively we need, first, not only to speak the truth in love and, second, to listen with our heart, but third, we need to be honest and share our true feelings—not just our surface feelings. For example, anger is often a defense against feeling our fear. So, to resolve conflict, it’s important not to deny the anger, but to be aware that it is a defense against feeling our deeper feelings. This can be difficult for many of us to do. We either don’t know how to do this, or we use anger to stop the other person from getting close to us.

Or, equally destructive, to avoid conflict we deny our true feelings and pretend to be something we are not. This way conflict never gets faced, let alone resolved, and resentment can fester below the surface for years. And this festering is the cause behind many a broken relationship.

Author John Powell expressed this attitude very poignantly when he said, “We defend our dishonesty [denying and not sharing our true feelings] on the grounds that it may hurt another person. And then, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships.”2

Fourth, to resolve conflict it is also very important to use “I” messages. That is, instead of saying, “You make me mad or you really hurt my feelings,” say words to the effect, “When you say (or do) things like thus and so, I feel hurt and/or angry, and I need to talk about it.”

Fifth, avoid the blame-game at all costs. Many, if not most of us are like the lawyer in the Bible who, “wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbor?’”3 This was when Jesus told him that the greatest commandment was to love God and your neighbor as yourself.

If I don’t love and accept myself in a healthy sense, conflict can be terribly distressing. I need to realize that nobody can upset me (hurt my feelings or make me angry) without my permission. For instance, if I had a perfect self-concept (which I don’t) it would be very rare that my feelings would ever get hurt. What the other person says or does may or may not be a problem, but how I respond is always my responsibility. And to the degree I overreact, that is always my problem.

So before I lay the blame at another’s feet, I need to be courageously honest with myself and know when I am responding responsibly and openly admit when I am overreacting out of proportion to what has happened. Overreactions happen when unresolved issues from the past get triggered. The trigger is not my problem but my overreaction is!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to lovingly follow the truth at all times—speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly—and so become more and more in every way like Christ. Help me to know whenever I overreact in a conflict situation, to admit that it is my problem, and help me to overcome it. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

(To be continued.)

1. Ephesians 4:15 (TLB).
2. John Powell, Why I Am Afraid to Tell You
Who I Am, Argus Communications.
3. Luke 10:29 (NKJV).

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Resolving Conflict Creatively, Part I

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“But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.”1

I recall hearing a preacher of a large church, when celebrating his twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, declaring that he and his wife had never had a conflict. Chances are that one of the partners had become a doormat or a “peace at any price” person. About the only other way to live without ever having an argument or conflict is to become a hermit.

Wherever there are people, there will always be conflict at one time or another. When handled creatively, conflict can lead not only to resolution but also to personal growth. What we need to do is learn how to fight fair, to disagree agreeably, and to “fight” like a Christian.

So how do we do this?

First and foremost is to always strive to speak the truth in love. Remember that grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. We, too, need to precede truth with grace; that is, to always give loving, gracious acceptance. Unless we do this, the other person will not likely feel safe to share their truth. And without the sharing of truth, there is no connection and there is no resolution of conflict.

Second, listen…listen…listen—not only with our ears, but much more so with the heart. We need to hear what the other person is saying—not just what we think they are saying. This is because we all interpret messages through our own lenses, for “we see things not as they are, but as we are.” And the more dishonest we are with our own inner-self (feelings), the more our seeing and hearing “lenses” are distorted and the more we will twist messages to make them match our perception of reality. For instance, if we are insecure or don’t like ourselves, we will read into what others say to put ourselves down.

(To be continued.)

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be gracious in conflict situations, to always speak the truth in love, and be much more willing to listen before I speak. Help me to hear what the other person is saying regardless of their words and to handle conflict in a Christ-like manner. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15 (NASB).

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A Dirty Way to Fight

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“Instead, we will lovingly follow the truth at all times—speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly—and so become more and more in every way like Christ.”1

Having worked in the area of relationships for some time, I have discovered that one of the major problems (and challenges) seems to be the inability for couples to communicate and resolve conflict effectively. In fact, according to counselors, this is one of the major reasons why relationships fail.

Relationships are based more than anything on emotions. Men may disagree with me here but I don’t think our female readers will. In my experience, the number one complaint I have heard from wives over the years (on both sides of the Pacific Ocean) is a variation on the theme, “My husband doesn’t share his feelings with me and doesn’t listen to or understand mine.”Surprise? Surprise!

True, we men know how to put a man on the moon and how to talk to him while he is there, but some of us don’t know how to effectively communicate with our wife or kids while we’re in the same room!

However, it is not always we men who are at fault. Again, in my experience, nearly as many men as women bemoan the fact that their spouse withdraws when her feelings are hurt.

Withdrawal is a downright dirty way to fight.

It can be a form of passive hostility, self-pity, or self-justification. It can be caused by a fear of conflict, a fear of being dominated by the other person, or any of a number of other reasons. However, when one party withdraws, there is no possible chance for resolution. It’s even worse when both parties withdraw.

What we need to learn is to “fight” like a Christian!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be an effective communicator, to be honest with my feelings, never withdraw from conflict, and always speak the truth in love. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15–16 (TLB).

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Look Out for Quacks

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“‘Come, let us meet together on one of the villages on the plain of Ono.’ But they were scheming to harm me.”1

When Nehemiah and the Israelites had almost completed rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem several centuries BC, enemies were strongly opposed to their progress and sought through trickery to deceive Nehemiah and get rid of him. They tried to lure him away from his work and invited him to meet with them in the Plain of Ono.

But Nehemiah’s reply was, “O no!” He knew their stories were fabricated and that they were lying. Just as well he did, otherwise he would have been destroyed and God’s work frustrated. Nehemiah stuck to the job God commissioned him to do until the work was finished and the walls rebuilt. He didn’t allow himself to be sidetracked.Whenever we get involved in God’s work, there is always opposition. The enemy attacks at every opportunity and usually at our most vulnerable places. He is a master of deceit and we, like Nehemiah, need to be aware of his devices.

More often than not, he comes as an angel of light—seemingly as a teacher and promoter of truth. But many a sincere Christian has been deceived and led astray by these often authoritative-sounding, silver-tongued orators, and deceptive leaders who claim to be coming in the name of the Lord.”Be careful,” Jesus said to them [his disciples]. “Be on your guard against the yeast [false teaching] of the Pharisees and Sadducees [the religious leaders of Jesus' day].”2

At the risk of being over-repetitious, when in doubt, always pray for God to reveal to you the truth. And the more connected we are with our own inner truth—that is, the more honest we are with our own self—the easier and quicker we will “smell” (sense and discern) the false teachings of those who are not for real.

So, be on your guard and watch out for phony people with phony solutions.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be a man or woman of truth so I will always have the insight to discern all false teaching and never be led astray from the true teachings of your Word no matter how eloquent or persuasive the teachers may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Nehemiah 6:2 (NIV).
2. Matthew 16:6 (NIV).

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Don’t Forget to Pray

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“The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord.”1

After the days of Moses when the armies of Israel, led by Joshua, were conquering the Promised Land marked out for them by God, the surrounding kings and nations were understandably terrified. This was because God was with the Israelites giving them great victories wherever they went.

However, the men of Gibeon, a nearby country, resorted to trickery and outsmarted Joshua. They sent a delegation to Joshua with the appearance of having come from a distant land so they could deceive Joshua into making a treaty with them. Their donkeys carried worn-out sacks and old wineskins that were cracked and had been mended. They wore old clothes, and worn and patched sandals, and the bread they carried with them was dry and moldy.

Their ruse worked. Joshua signed a treaty with them and only afterwards discovered they were a neighboring people among those countries God had told Joshua to destroy because of their wickedness. They had to live with the consequences as a result.

Joshua’s mistake was that he made this treaty without praying and inquiring of the Lord! An extremely valuable lesson for all of us to learn!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for including this story in your Word, the Bible, as a graphic reminder for me to seek your guidance and direction for every aspect of my life, so that I will continuously live in harmony with your perfect will. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Joshua 9:14 (NIV).

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The Day That Changed the World

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“I [Jesus] am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades [hell].”1

I recall reading about a father who was caught with his two young daughters in a snow storm and lost his way. When night fell he wrapped his jacket around his two girls and lay on top of them to stop them from freezing to death. The next day they were found by a search party. The two girls were alive and safe, but the father had frozen to death. He gave his life to save the ones he loved.

That is what Jesus did for you and me. He gave his life on the Roman cross some 2,000 years ago to pay for the consequences of our sin—death; that is, spiritual and eternal death which is not the cessation of life but eternal separation from God, the author and creator of all love and life. But when Jesus rose from the grave he forever overcame the power of death and sin. In so doing, he guaranteed resurrection and eternal life for all who accept him as their personal Lord and Savior.

Rivi Zacharias expresses Christ’s death and resurrection simply yet profoundly in the following words: “The disciples were the ones marked out for death. Those who survived Jesus were really the dead. And he, Jesus, the dead one, was really the living one.”

And because Jesus is the Living One—the day he rose from the grave was the day that changed the world forever. And the day that you and I commit our life to him and receive his free pardon is the day that will change our life—for all eternity. Forever!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for your great sacrifice in giving your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place to pay the ransom price for all my sin! And dear Jesus, because you died for me, help me to love you as I ought and to live all the days of my life for you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Revelation 1:18 (NIV).

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The Critical Path

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“Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.”1

In his book, Peak Performers, Dr. Charles Garfield describes how the astronauts keep their spacecraft on course.

“On their flights between earth and the moon, it was said, the Apollo ships were off course much of the time. In each instance, the spacecraft would wander off its path and the crew would correct—wander off and correct, again and again. And do you now what? It didn’t matter. What mattered were the results. They got to the moon. They got home. They did it by having the discipline and knowledge to get themselves back on course. They followed not a perfect path, but a critical path.”

Whether we’re shooting for the moon, seeking to achieve a better personal or family life, or seeking to obey and serve God, whatever our goals, the principle is the same. There are always unpredictable and unexpected events that call for change and adjustment. Although the astronauts had to be precise in their calculations, they still allowed for mistakes and corrections. The person who doesn’t allow for such adjustments will probably not reach his or her goals. As Garfield said, the critical path is the way to reach any target.

For the Christian, our goal is to obey and serve God and to go on to maturity. We will stumble at times, make mistakes, fail, and hit many a bump in the road. When we fall, however, the important thing is to get up, correct our course and go on. This is the critical path for us.

And as one author reminds us, The bumps are what we climb on!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, every day I commit and trust my life and way to you and commit my life to serving you. Thank you that you are always with me to guide and direct my life and correct any wrong or harmful turns that I might make—to keep me on target with the goals and purpose you have for my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 24:16 (NIV).

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Rules Vs. Relationships

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“He [Jesus] looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”1

God is not into rules. He’s into relationships. For example, when Jesus healed the man with the withered hand on the Jewish Sabbath, the religious leaders began to plot how they might kill him. Jesus was angry with these Pharisees because, among other things, they loved their rigid rules more than they loved people. They may have had religion, but they certainly didn’t have Christ, Christianity, or God!

What is even more absurd is that these same religious leaders who murdered Jesus insisted that he be taken off the cross before sundown (the beginning of their religious Sabbath day) on the day they killed him because it wasn’t “lawful” for him to be hanging dead on the cross on their Sabbath. To leave him there would have broken one of their laws and they would have felt ceremoniously unclean! Imagine that!

As strange as it may seem to many, religion may send more people to hell than anything else! That is, religion that depends on one’s own “good works” or man-made laws, rules or traditions. These will never get anyone to heaven. God’s Word, the Bible, makes it very clear that: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.”2

Again, God isn’t into religion or rules. He’s into relationships. Jesus died so that we could be reconnected to God and have a right relationship with him. He also wants to make us whole so we can have wholesome relationships with others and live in harmony with God’s laws—not to get us into God’s heaven, but so we can live wholesome lives.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you gave your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins so that I could have a right relationship with you, others and myself. Help me to live by your laws that give life and not be bound by man-made religion, legalistic rules, or traditions that are not based on your Word, the Bible. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 3:5 (NIV).
2. Ephesians 2:8–9 (NKJV).

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Successful Living

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“God’s laws are perfect. They protect us, make us wise, and give us joy and light.”1

Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Nature never breaks her own laws.” Fortunately for us it doesn’t. If it weren’t for the law of gravity, for example, the earth wouldn’t stay in its orbit and we’d all fly off into outer space. If we try to break nature’s laws—such as the law of gravity, we can’t. It will break or even kill us!

There are universal moral laws, too, without which our society would fall apart. If we defy these laws, they will also break us, or rather; we will break ourselves against them. Most man-made laws are important too. They make living together possible. Imagine driving on today’s highways without any traffic laws!

There are also laws that govern human development. For example, every child needs considerable nurture, unconditional love, acceptance and approval throughout his developmental years. When this law is violated, so are our children—many of whom are left with broken lives. There are also laws that apply to adult health, happiness, and well-being. Defy, ignore or break these laws and we break ourselves.

God has also given us spiritual laws … not to take away our joy or freedom, but to give us the fullness of life as well as eternal life. We defy these laws to our eternal destruction.

We heed these laws not because we are legalists and have to obey them, but because we want and choose to obey them because we know we need to for our own well-being and that of our loved ones. As the Psalmist wrote, “God’s laws are perfect. They protect us, make us wise, and give us joy and light. God’s laws are pure, eternal, just. They are more desirable than gold. They are sweeter than honey dripping from a honeycomb. For they warn us away from harm and give success to those who obey them.”2

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to understand that all of your laws are for my total well-being—both for this life and for the life to come. Give me the good sense and courage to always live in harmony with your laws so that I will live in harmony with myself, others and you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 19:7 (TLB).
2. Psalm 19:7–11 (TLB).

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The Church’s Impact on the Family

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“Let us not give up meeting together [in church], as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another….”1

A study conducted some time ago by sociologist Steven Nock of the University of Virginia showed that couples who regularly attend church are 42% more likely to be married for the first time. And those in the church who were committed to its beliefs had a 23% better chance of having a “very happy” marriage than those who don’t attend church.

Furthermore, according to a report by Warren Mueller, where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55%, but where only the mother attends, just 15% of the children remain involved in the church.

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be an active participant in a healthy church and have positive fellowship (relationships) with fellow Christians both for my own growth and to be an encourager to others. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Hebrews 10:25 (NIV).

NOTE: See article, “What a Good Church Can Do for You” at: http://tinyurl.com/bs9jf

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