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Should Christians Ever Divorce? Part II

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“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” [or husband].1

Whether we agree with it or not, divorce happens. Some have done all in their power to save their marriage but failed to do so. Then there are those who go into marriage with no sense of responsibility or commitment to make their relationship work. Today we are speaking about the former, not the latter whose divorce could rarely, if ever, be justified.

Unfortunately, some Christians today still see divorced people as second–rate citizens and many churches (and/or fellow Christians) do not accept them fully. As the old saying goes, the church is the only army who shoots its wounded! Today’s church as a whole is very much for families; that is, married families. This in light of the fact that more than half the adults 24 years and older, at least in the U.S., are single! The single world is thus a vast mission field that many, if not most, churches and Christians pretty much close a blind eye to.

The good news is that God doesn’t reject divorcees who acknowledge their failure and ask him for his help and forgiveness. Think of the woman at the well who had had several husbands and was not married to the man she was now living with! Did Jesus reject her? No. In fact he used her to take the gospel to the people in her town! We probably would have given her the “left foot of fellowship.” Think, too, of the woman caught in the act of adultery! Did Jesus reject her? No, he didn’t. And while he didn’t condone her behavior, he loved and accepted her and helped to free her from her sinful lifestyle.

Certainly divorce should ever only be the last step after every honest attempt has been made to save the marriage. But unless both partners are committed to personal honesty, facing the truth about their contribution to the conflict, and are willing to grow, change and work on their own recovery, it is hopeless. In my experience, I have witnessed that in most failed relationships too many people play the blame–game and as long as they blame the other person for their problems, without facing what they have contributed to the breakup, there is no resolution and there is no hope for resolving the conflict. The reality is that we are as sick—or as healthy—as the people we are attracted to.

God’s Word also reminds us to live, if possible, peaceably with all people,2 which is implying that it isn’t always possible to do this. And that it is better to live in the corner of the housetop than in a wide house with a quarrelsome partner.3 So when we think about what God has to say about divorce, let’s not forget the many other Scriptures that apply to relationships.

Another thing I urge divorcees is to see their failed marriage as God’s wakeup call for them to face and work through their character issues/weaknesses to ensure that they won’t make the same mistake again, for what we don’t resolve, we are destined to repeat. And God will allow us to keep repeating our mistakes until we get it! But once we learn what we need to learn, we don’t need to keep learning the hard way. What God wants for all of us is to be made whole, for only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, attitude, behavior, actions and relationships be whole–some.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be open and honest in my relationships—with you and with all the important people in my life; help me to face and resolve my character weaknesses, and to be ‘as Christ’ to others so I will be protected against divorce and other failed relationships. Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

NOTE: Be sure to read my article, “Living Again After Divorce” at: http://tinyurl.com/9g92u

1. Proverbs 21:9 (NIV).
2. Romans 12:18.
3. Proverbs 25:24.

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Should Christians Ever Divorce? Part I

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“‘For I hate divorce,’ says the LORD, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with wrong,’ says the LORD of hosts. ‘So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.’”1

A question that arises from time to time asked by Daily Encounter readers has to do with divorce: Should a Christian ever get divorced?

I’ve worked in the area of Divorce and Grief Recovery for the past decade, so I have regular contact with people struggling with this issue. For most, it is an extremely painful experience, and terribly disillusioning especially for Christians who sincerely want to do the Lord’s will.

I know one man who right now is going through divorce. I believe he has done everything in his power to save his marriage. He has been in counseling for many months working on his side of the marital conflict but, sad to say, his wife has refused to continue in counseling and emphatically declares that her husband is the one who needs to change.

There are many more wives who are in a similar situation.

So what should these people do? Should they stay in a toxic, destructive relationship? And what should or can they do when and if their partner files for divorce?

Some fight the divorce but for many they have no choice!

True, God hates divorce and he does so because it is so hurtful to those whom he loves. Most divorcees understandably hate divorce too.

But let us remember that God also hates everything else that is harmful to his children. This includes covering up wrong, gossip, lying, cheating, dishonesty, jealousy, pride, legalism, and destructive, abusive or hateful relationships, and hypocritical relationships that put on a good show in public but behind closed doors are anything but loving and kind.

Unfortunately, some who “preach that God hates divorce” to those going through it are blind to the fact that God hates their judgmental attitude just as much as he hates divorce.

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me not to be judgmental of those going through divorce, but rather help me to see my shortcomings, failures and sins and with your help, overcome these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Malachi 2:16 (NASB).

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Name It and Claim It “Gospel”

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Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”1

“The message flickered into C.F’s living room each night: ‘Be faithful in how you live and how you give, the television preachers said, and God will shower you with material riches.’”2

And so the TV listener pledged $500 a year to one TV evangelist and wrote checks to a flamboyant faith healer, and another to a local preacher-made-good. Only the promised blessings didn’t come. C.F. ended up having to borrow money to buy food. The explanation given on TV implied that she didn’t have enough faith. Now she is understandably disillusioned with all TV ministries. Undoubtedly, unlimited numbers have suffered the same fate.

As Michael Palmer, dean of the divinity school at Regent University, founded by Pat Robertson, said, “More and more people are desperate and grasping at straws and want something that will alleviate their pain or financial crisis.”3

Sadly, there is no shortage of TV preachers who, primarily for their own gain, are ready to offer these people false promises under the guise of it being a part of the Christian gospel.

One teacher I know fittingly calls the “Name it and claim it gospel” the “blab it and grab it gospel”—which of course, is NOT the gospel of Jesus Christ.

When God promised the ancient Israelites prosperity and good success,4 he was stating that if the entire nation—as a whole—lived in harmony with God’s will and obeyed his commandments, then they would be prosperous and have good success. This was a message to the nation—not to individuals. Furthermore, prosperity and success according to God can be totally different to what man thinks prosperity and good success is; which to many, at least here in the U.S. and other Western nations, means material prosperity. Sadly, many of these people may very well be spiritual and emotional paupers.

Furthermore, do these “prosperity gospel” preachers take their message to the starving masses in India and South Africa and to other extremely needy parts of the world? I don’t think so.

Don’t misunderstand me; I am not implying that we have to be poor to be a true follower of Jesus Christ. For those of us who live in developed countries we have the opportunity to work hard and be financially prosperous which is wonderful. However, the important issue is: what is our motive for making money and for what purpose are we using it? It does take money to get God’s work on earth done—not for TV evangelists to own private jets. Giving is very important. It is one of the major resources for doing God’s work on earth—to help the poor, to aid the suffering, and to proclaim the true gospel of Jesus Christ to all the world.

However, in our giving, let us pray for guidance and give to churches and organizations who are truly committed to doing God’s work on earth, and not to those who are seeking to build up their own empire and/or ego by offering an easy-believeism, feel-good, non-committed, name it and claim it false prosperity gospel.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the desire to know what your Word teaches, the wisdom to live by it, the discernment to identify all false teachings, and the courage to stand up for truth. And please give me a grateful heart for all your blessings, and a generous spirit to support your work on earth. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 16:33 (NIV).
2. Eric Gorski, religion writer for the Denver Post.
3. Ibid.
4. See Joshua 1:6-9 (NIV).

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Lessons from Rabbits

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“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”1

Scientists were studying the impact of a high-cholesterol diet on heart disease. To measure this effect, they fed a group of genetically similar rabbits the same high-cholesterol diet. To their amazement, half the rabbits developed heart troubles, while the others were normal, with no noticeable heart disease.

This outcome was not explainable, so they bought new rabbits and repeated the study. At the end of two weeks, they obtained the same results. Something was wrong with the research design, but they could not determine the unaccountable variable.

Eventually, they discovered that during the evening the assistant who fed and cared for the rabbits took the rabbits out of their cages and cuddled them and petted them while she changed their bedding and food. However, because she was short, she could not reach the rabbits on the top shelf, so they were simply fed and changed without being picked up. Sure enough, after two weeks, the rabbits on the top row all had heart disease, while the rabbits on the bottom row were healthy. The environment and diet were exactly the same. The only variable was expressed love through touching.2

I’m not suggesting that we ignore a healthy diet. Not at all! But every one of us also needs a healthy diet of love and affection if we are to be and stay healthy.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be so filled with your love that I will always be loving and affectionate towards my loved ones and also (with discretion) to all the people you bring into my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:9–10 (NIV).
2. By Marvin Wray in “Wit and Wisdom.”

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The Fruit of Discipline

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“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”1

“A peach tree stands in our back yard,” wrote K. Marshall Strom. “Unpruned, the tree grew big and leafy. It was loaded with peaches, although the fruit was disappointingly small and tasteless.

“The year my husband, Larry, was out of work, he went to work on the tree. When I came home from school one day and saw how far back he had pruned it, I stared in shock. ‘You’ve killed it,’ I cried. ‘Now we won’t have any peaches at all.’

“I was wrong. That spring the pruned branches burst forth with a beautiful blanketing of pink blossoms. Some little green peaches replaced the blossoms. ‘Leave them alone,’ I begged. Larry ignored me and thinned the fruit.

“By the end of summer the branches were so heavily laden with fruit they had to be propped up. And the peaches—how large, sweet and juicy they were! There was no denying it: the tree was far better off from the painful cutting it endured.”2

I like to constantly emphasize that God’s goal is not to make us good but to make us whole. The result will be that genuine goodness will be the outcome of being made whole. But to be made whole usually takes a lot of “pruning” (discipline) by God. Speaking personally, the only time I ever take a look at myself and break through some defense I have been using to hide some sin or fault, is when I am hurting bad enough. I mean, who wants to change when everything is going great. Not me! I may not like the “pruning” process but I certainly appreciate the result … fruit!

So, if you are going through a rough time right now, ask God to help you see if there is some lesson he is teaching you, some issue he is wanting you to deal with, or some change he sees you need to make.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that your goal is to make me whole. Please help me to accept and submit to your pruning and discipline and, because of them, please make me a better, more whole person. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 12:11 (NIV).
2. Cited on KneEmail, http://www.oakhillcoc.org

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God’s Goal Is Not to Make us Good

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“We proclaim Him [Christ], admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete [mature] in Christ. For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.”1

We don’t have to be good for goodness sake!

In fact, being good may be our worst enemy. It was for the Pharisees! Their external goodness was a cover-up used to avoid facing what they were on the inside. Jesus did not approve of their external religiosity! In fact, he opposed it vehemently.

It can bring a great sense of freedom to realize that God isn’t into rules, but rather relationships. And his goal isn’t to make us good, but to make us whole; that is, to heal us from the inside out. The end result will be goodness but goodness that comes from a healed heart, and not from adhering to external rules and regulations dictated by legalism.

This is not an excuse to act out in sinful or destructive behaviors or to ignore God’s laws which are for our protection. Never! As the Apostle Paul said, “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means….”2

What it does mean is that I need to grow towards wholeness and maturity by recognizing my inner brokenness, my weaknesses, and my unresolved character issues and bring them not only to God, but also to a trusted friend and/or counselor for healing and recovery. As a general rule, we got damaged (emotionally) in damaging relationships and we get healed (emotionally) in healing relationships. As James said, “Therefore confess your sins [and faults] to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”3

Again, God’s goal is not to make us good, but to make us whole. It’s the heart that counts with him, not the externals. If all I have is external goodness, I am no better than the Pharisees. Realize too, that only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, our attitude, our actions, our behavior, and our relationships be “whole-some.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see my broken parts so I can bring them to you for healing. Confront me with my reality, make me whole, and lead me to the help that I need to do this. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 1:28–29 (NASB).
2. Romans 6:1 (NIV).
3. James 5:16 (NIV).

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What’s in a Name?

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“But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.’”1

When my sons were born, we wanted to give them meaningful names. My oldest son’s name is Brent, which means “upright.” My youngest son’s name is Mark which means “noble warrior.” Their middle names are also meaningful. When Mark was studying overseas, he struggled because he is bi-polar. At the time I told him that he was very courageous in what he was doing and reminded him that his name means “noble warrior” and that his middle name, Shaun (Irish for John), means “sent from God.” I also told him that I believed in him.

One tragedy is when a parent repeatedly calls his/her child a negative name such as “stupid” or “clumsy.” Chances are, the child will grow up to believe that this is true, act accordingly, and also have a very poor self-image. Calling anyone a bad name is very destructive. The exact opposite is true when parents call their children positive and affirming names.

In days of yesteryear, a person’s name had much to do with what he/she did. John Baker, for example, would have been a baker. Fred Shumaker, a shoemaker, and so on.

The greatest name of all was Jesus. His name means Savior. He was given this name by God, showing to all who hear or use his name who he is. As another has said, his name “teaches us the purpose of his incarnation. It is his human name reminding us that he who is God also became man. Peter made much of this name in the healing of the crippled beggar, and declared that there is no other name sufficient for our salvation.”

Speaking about Jesus, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “His name is not so much written but plowed into the history of the world.”

For those of us who have invited Jesus into our heart and life as personal Savior and Lord, it is of great comfort to know that he has written our name in his Book of Life. It will be interesting to know what meaning he has given to it. I believe it will describe who he wants us to be and what he wants us to do. Whatever it is, may he help us to discern that and live up to it!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for giving your Son, Jesus, to be the Savior of the world. Because I have accepted him as my Savior, I thank you that you have my name written in your book of life. Help me to discern what meaning you have given to my name and with your help, live up to it for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

NOTE: For more about Jesus see “Jesus Christ: God or Man?” at http://tinyurl.com/lu577

1. Matthew 1:20–21 (NIV).

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Why Did Jesus Have to Die?

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“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.”1

A Daily Encounter reader writes, “I understand Jesus died for our sins. I believe it but I just can’t understand why he had to do it. Didn’t God have power over everything? I have looked for the answer to this question for a long time. Please help.”

I’m sure that many people struggle with this same issue so let me explain. Because God is a God of infinite justice, he cannot forgive sin without justice being served. Otherwise he wouldn’t be God. This means that all sin must be judged according to the moral law of God and the universe. We can no more defy this law and live than we can defy the law of gravity by jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. The end result will be death unless—unless we apply another law, the law of aerodynamics. This law makes it possible for an airplane to fly and a parachute to lower us to the earth gradually and thereby save us.

There is another universal law that we cannot defy and live. It is “the law of sin and death,” which means that the judgment and penalty of all sin is death and eternal separation from God. That is, unless we apply a higher law which is “the law of the Spirit of Life,” which is a God-given “spiritual parachute” to save us from eternal death. God provided this law through the death of Jesus who died in our place to pay the penalty for our sin.

Furthermore, because God is also a God of absolute holiness, no sin or unforgiven sinners can survive in his presence. As some bacteria are not able to survive in the light and die if they are exposed to it, so it is with us. In our sinful state if we were exposed to God and his incredible light, we would be destroyed instantaneously. And herein lies our dilemma.

However, God’s answer to our dilemma lies in the fact that God is not only a God of infinite justice and absolute holiness, but also a God of eternal love. Because of his love, God gave his very own Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins to meet the automatic demands of his (God’s) justice and holiness. Christ’s death made possible God’s “law of the Spirit of Life”—our God-given “spiritual parachute”—to save us from eternal death.

Not to accept and use God’s “parachute” means certain death from which there is no other escape. In other words, anyone who doesn’t accept God’s pardon will automatically die for him/herself—which means eternal separation from God, the author of all love and life, in the place or condition the Bible calls hell. All we need to do is confess our sinfulness, believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that he died in our place for our sins, and ask God for, and accept, his forgiveness and pardon. If you have never done this, you can do so right now by praying the following prayer.

“Dear God, I confess that I am a sinner and am sorry for all the wrongs that I have done. I believe that your Son, Jesus Christ, died on the cross for my sins. Please forgive me. I invite you, Jesus, to come into my heart and life as Lord and Savior. I commit and trust my life to you. Please give me the desire to be what you want me to be and to do what you want me to do. Thank you for dying for my sins, for your free pardon, for your gift of eternal life, and for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

If you prayed this prayer and truly meant it, please let us know by clicking on the “My Decision” link at http://tinyurl.com/pgntm and we will send you a free copy of the e-leaflet, “How to Grow” to help you in your new spiritual life.

For further help, click on the “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” link at http://tinyurl.com/8glq9

1. Romans 8:1–3(NIV).

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Building for Eternity

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“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”1

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife, enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter.

“This is your house,” he said, “my gift to you.”

What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.

So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built. If we had realized it, we would have done it differently.

Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It’s the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity. The plaque on the wall says, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”

Who could say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you make today.2

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to live with eternity’s values in view and to build a life that will not only be rewarding for me but, more importantly, bring glory to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Colossians 3:23 (NASB).
2. Author Unknown.

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Loving Your Enemies

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“But I [Jesus] say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”1

Bob Lewis relates the story of a Christian woman “who owned two prize-winning chickens. One afternoon, the chickens worked their way out of her yard and into her neighbor’s garden. The neighbor, known for his hot temper, captured both birds, wrung their necks and then threw their lifeless carcasses across the fence into the Christian’s yard.

“The woman was understandably hurt and considered giving her neighbor a piece of her mind. Instead, she took the chickens home and prepared two chicken pot pies. Whereupon she took one to her neighbor and then apologized for not being more watchful of her chickens. The man was speechless. The chicken pot pie coupled with an apology filled him with such a sense of burning shame that his whole life began to change.”

Need I say more?

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, I find it real easy to love those who are lovable but don’t know how to love my enemies and those who would mistreat me. Please help me to grow in love so that I will always be ‘as Christ’ to everyone—friend or foe. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:44 (NKJV).

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