Counselor Cecil Osborne pointed out, “When we are hiding a deeper sin or fault we often confess a lesser one all the more vigorously.”

For instance, a friend of mine had been trying to overcome his smoking habit for 20 years without success. He had been judged for this by folk in his church for as many years. When he shared his struggle with me, I simply asked, “Why do you need to smoke?”

He looked at me with a blank stare as if to say, “Are you crazy, what are you talking about? I don’t need to smoke!” He then mumbled a few incoherent words, turned around, and walked away. He died a few years later of cancer!

What I was trying to get him to see was that his smoking wasn’t the real problem. It was the presenting problem or the symptom—the fruit of a deeper root! He was confessing the wrong sin. True, his addiction to tobacco was a problem but it was the symptom of a deeper problem which he apparently didn’t want to look at.

The same is true of all addictions and many of our negative and destructive behaviors. To overcome these we need to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves, with God and with at least one trusted friend or counselor. Yes we need to acknowledge the symptoms but ask God to reveal to us the truth about the causes behind the symptoms. We may also need to ask God to give us the courage to see these causes since most of us, because of the fear of facing the unknown, don’t want to see them.

Admitting and praying about the truth is the kind of prayer that God loves to hear and always answers. As his Word says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”²

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be willing not only to admit and confess my addictions and sins, but also face me with the truth about any deeper, hidden sins and faults that may be causing me to act out in self–destructive behaviors. And lead me to the help I need to overcome and resolve these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:1-5 (NIV).
2. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).

A Daily Encounter reader wants to know about perfectionism and asks, “Is it healthy and mature, or is it a sickness and a form of immaturity?”

Perfectionism is a compulsive behavior where one is under bondage seeking to gain approval from others and to prove to him or herself that he/she is a good/perfect person. It comes mostly from early childhood training and, unfortunately, from some churches where people are taught that they can achieve sinless perfection. This is a heavy and impossible burden for anyone to carry. As John said, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”³

The fact is that we—including Christians—live in and are a part of this broken, sinful and imperfect world, and will not be freed from our sin nature and imperfections until we go to heaven. And while the Bible encourages us to always do our best, it never implies perfection this side of eternity. In fact, where the Bible says, “Be perfect,” the word can be equally translated “complete” or “mature.” What God wants is that we grow towards completeness (wholeness) and maturity and that we learn to be satisfied when we know we have done our best.

Perfectionists are not born. They are made. For instance, say Johnnie gets five A’s in his school exams and one B, what does his mother and/or father say? “How come you didn’t get all A’s?” And this is the way Johnnie grows up. No matter what he does and how well he does it, it is never quite good enough. He can never please his parent/s and forever drives himself in a vain attempt to win their approval. Our society tends to confirm the teaching that our worth depends on our performance—by getting good grades, being a great athlete, getting promoted at work, by being physically attractive, and so on.

As an adult he still feels that what he does is still never quite good enough. When he projects this attitude on to others, he can ruin his relationships, as his wife and kids can never please him. He feels that same way towards God—that he can never please him either. So he lives in a constant state of inner turmoil and can be very difficult to live with.

So what can he do to overcome this bondage?

First, he needs to acknowledge the fact that he learned this negative mind conditioning—and admit that it is neurotic. It is only as he admits this can even God help him to overcome. While this conditioning was not his fault, it is imperative that he accepts full responsibility for what he now becomes and not stay stuck by playing the blame–game. To blame others and/or say, “This is the way I am,” is often a handy excuse not to grow up.

Second, with God’s help and the help of a trusted friend and/or counselor he will need to reprogram his feelings to learn that he doesn’t have to be perfect or do anything to be loved and accepted just as he is—the way God loves and accepts us all. In time (and it does take considerable time), when loved and accepted unconditionally, he can learn that his worth as a person is never dependent on his performance, but on the fact that he is who he is and not what he does. In doing so, he can also learn to grasp the fact that God loves and accepts him for who he is and that he doesn’t have to keep striving to be perfect and earn love and acceptance.

To reprogram his feelings will be extremely liberating from a life of compulsion and bondage. As Jesus said, “You will know [experience] the truth and the truth will set you free.”⁴

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to acknowledge all of my weaknesses and bring them to you and to safe people for healing and deliverance. Help me to know at a very deep level that I am loved and accepted by you and others for who I am and that my worth as a person is never dependent on my performance. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:48 (NIV).
2. Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV).
3. 1 John 1:8 (NIV).
4. John 8:32 (NIV).

One lady I know has a grown alcoholic daughter in her mid–thirties who still lives with her mother. When the daughter goes out and is too drunk to drive home, guess who goes and picks her up? And when she’s too drunk to go to work and can’t make her car payment, guess who makes it? You’re right. It’s mother. So, which of the two is the sickest?

As long as mother keeps rescuing her daughter, the daughter has no need to face her problem and deal with it. Mother is the enabler. Counselors tell us that for every alcoholic there are four co–alcoholics or codependent enablers. These people short–circuit the natural consequences of the alcoholics’ negative, self–destructive behavior.

As difficult as it may seem, there comes a time after nothing else has worked, when the enabler needs to let go and stop their rescuing behavior, which is a part of the sickness and reinforces the problem.

Usually it is only when people with major problems hit bottom that they are likely to come out of denial, admit what they are, and do something about it. There’s no guarantee that they will do this, but if we don’t stop rescuing them, it is a sure–fire guarantee that they won’t get into recovery, as they have no need to. The prodigal son that Jesus taught about came to his senses only when he hit rock bottom. The father let go of him so he could do this. God also lets us hit rock bottom too, so we will come to our senses, acknowledge our sickness, and get into recovery.

Is there someone in your life that you need to let go of, get out of the way, and stop rescuing and enabling, and entrust them to God? This act of tough love won’t be well received (to put it mildly), but it is the most and only loving thing to do.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, wherever I need to exercise tough love, help me to see my destructive actions, and give me the courage to let go of the person/s I am enabling, and let them crash—and trust them to you with the prayer that they will come to their senses and get into recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV).