All posts by 5Q

Arm-Twisting for God

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“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.”1

I first heard Joseph Bailey use the term, “Arm-twisting for God.” It is closely related to those who are cursed with the affliction to give advice—only worse—because they arm-twist in the name of God! It is often used by “religious control-freaks.”

Over the years I’ve had numerous articles sent to me—some from excellent authors—and some from would-be authors wanting to be published. Some of the latter group preface their request with remarks such as, “God (or the Holy Spirit) has given me this message and I want him to have all the glory!” With some of this material I can’t imagine God wanting the glory. I don’t publish it—and God doesn’t zap me!

On one occasion a man said to me that God told him he was to work for me. He didn’t have any qualifications for the work we do, so I didn’t give him a job. Again, God didn’t zap me!

On another occasion I was strongly rebuked by a person who didn’t understand “Jesus the Messiah” being written in Arabic especially for Muslims. I was told the Bible said he was to be called Jesus. I don’t think the angel spoke to Joseph and Mary in English! How about Hebrew? I was also informed by this person that Jesus told her I was to take this Arabic name of Jesus off my website as I was dangerously leading people astray!

I could give many more illustrations of people arm-twisting for God. They are usually insecure people needing attention and wanting their own way to feel empowered and important. At times I have said to such a person, when they told me God told them the way I should do things, that God hasn’t told me yet, so can we discuss it—and let’s pray for truth. “But I have the truth,” one declared emphatically to me. End of discussion!

As John Wesley advised, “Do not hastily ascribe things to God. Do not easily suppose dreams, voices, impressions, visions or revelations to be from God. They may be from Him. They may be from nature. They may be from the devil. Therefore, do not believe every spirit, but try the spirits, whether they are from God”2

We are told in the Bible that the test of a true prophet of God was 100% accuracy—100% of the time, and are warned not to heed false prophets. Also, in the Old Testament there was severe punishment for those who claimed to have a message from God and it wasn’t from him. This is because false prophets can be dangerous because they can lead people astray and away from the truth of God.

Our best defense against arm-twisting-for-God-false-prophets is to know what the Bible teaches, live in harmony with God’s will as found in the Bible, and constantly ask God to lead us in the way of truth.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me always to live and walk in harmony with the truth as found in your Word, the Bible, and give me the discernment to recognize every false prophet and any message, no matter how appealing, that is not in the way of truth nor from you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 7:15-16 (NIV).

2. Martin Wells Knapp, Impressions, Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1984, p. 32.

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Soul-Brother/Sister

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“A friend loves at all times.”1

In his book, Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

These people I like to call soul-brothers or soul-sisters. These are friends with whom we can trust our very soul—warts and all. In fact, for healthy living and loving relationships, every woman (single or married) needs such a soul-sister. And every man (single or married) needs such a soul-brother.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to be, and please give to me, such a friend. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

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Eye on Sparrows

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Jesus said, “Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.”1

Dr. Paige Patterson tells how the renown African-American singer, Ethel Waters, known for her ministry with Billy Graham Crusades, learned about life the hard way. Ethel said that, as a child, she always felt lost and like an outsider. She was born out of wedlock, got into trouble continuously. Ethel described it, “I never was really a child, was never liked or understood by my family, never felt like I belonged, nobody brought me up. I ran wild as a little girl, was real bad, was leader of a street gang, and a general hell-raiser.”

Rev. Williams was preaching at a revival service to which Ethel was invited. On the last night, Ethel pleaded with God to speak to her, which, to her was to be God’s last chance.

The preacher spoke on the riches of Christ and his ability to save anyone from their sins. Something happened—Christ “spoke” to Ethel and she received Jesus as her Savior and was soundly converted to Christianity. From that experience she often sang the familiar words, “Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come, / Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home, / When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He; / His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me; / His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.”2

NOTE: If you have never accepted Jesus as your Savior, be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

Suggested prayer, “Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you that you not only know about the sparrows, but also that you know everything about me—even the number of hairs on my head—and that you care for me more than I could ever realize. Please help me to know and experience your care, your love, and your affirmation of me in the very core of my being. Do this for the glory of your name. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 10:29-30 (NLT).
2. Civilla D. Martin, 1905.

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About Abortion

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“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “Do you have any information on what effect having an abortion in one’s youth can have on one’s life as an adult? I understand that it can have far-reaching effects. Is it possible for healing?”

Perhaps one who has had an abortion could best answer this question, so all I can do is share my observations and what I think. At one retreat I attended, a non-Christian, rather loose-living, non-religious woman shared with our group how she had had two abortions and didn’t know if she even loved the two children she now had. As she shared with us, she sobbed her heart out. Her past actions were certainly having far-reaching effects in her life. As I understand it, she, like many others who have had abortions, do suffer with long-term grief and guilt, unless, like for any other sin, they seek and find God’s forgiveness and healing. If they fail to resolve their guilt and grief, it will have a negative effect on their present as well as their future close relationships.

To be freed from guilt, whatever one’s sins may be, it is essential that we confess them to God and ask for his forgiveness. It is also very helpful to confess our sins and failures to a trusted friend, pastor, priest or counselor. As James wrote in the Bible, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”2 Then we need to forgive ourselves—this, for many, can be the most difficult thing to do, especially for those who are perfectionists or have perfectionist tendencies.

True, some sins are going to have lasting effects in this life and may always bring regrets, but we need to realize that there is no sin that is so big or so bad that God will not forgive—apart from the sin against God’s Holy Spirit which is the failure to accept God’s forgiveness! Any and all sins are an offense against a Holy God but, because God loves us so much, he gave his Son, Jesus, to die on the cross to pay the penalty for all our sins—large and small! All we need to do is confess our sins to God, repent of them, believe that Jesus died on the cross in our place, invite him into our heart and life as Savior, ask for his forgiveness, and thank him for it.

Note: For further help, be sure to read the article, “Forgiveness: the Power That Heals” at: http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3 and/or “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, thank you for your great love for me, and for giving your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for all my sins. I confess my sins (name them) to you God, and ask for your forgiveness. Please help me to forgive myself and all who have sinned against me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

See article: “Healing from Post-Abortion Syndrome” at: www.ncfliving.org/post_abortion.php.

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).
2. James 5:16 (NIV).

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Object Constancy, Part III

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“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he [God] removed our transgressions [sins] from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear [trust/reverence] him.”1

As we have pointed out in the past two days, it is imperative that we have object constancy in our life if we are to have meaningful and fulfilling lives. We were created for loving relationships not only with God but also with others. And without sufficient love we wither up and die inside a little every day.

To heal from past hurts so we can achieve a sufficient level of object constancy, we need to be in a meaningful recovery program, because we don’t heal without our active participation. We need to be emotionally honest and to resolve all bottled-up negative emotions, and we need to face and deal with the causes of inner emptiness. Next is:

Responsibility

Fifth, when we come to the realization that we didn’t receive sufficient parental love, we’re not looking to blame our parents because they could only give love to the degree that they had been loved themselves. We don’t want to feel sorry for ourselves either, but take responsibility for our re-parenting and getting our needs met in healthy ways—and, again, not expect anybody else to do this for us.

Acceptance

Sixth, to re-parent ourselves we need to be courageously open and honest in safe, trusted, non-judgmental, and affirming relationships (non-romantic) and keep accountable to these people. When we admit our weaknesses to safe people, we find we are loved and accepted exactly as we are. Through their love and acceptance, little by little we learn to love and accept ourselves in a healthy way. This is critical, for only to the degree that we feel loved and accepted are we able to love and accept anybody else. One effective way to do this is in a safe twelve-step recovery group.

Keep in mind that we were damaged in damaging relationships and are healed in healing relationships.

Counsel

Seventh, for those who have been abused—physically, emotionally, spiritually and/or sexually—or seriously emotionally neglected as a child, it is essential to get counseling in order to resolve our fear, so we can learn how to discern and receive healthy love, and are able to trust again.

Divine Love

Eighth, above all we need to realize just how much God, the Heavenly Father, loves and accepts us exactly as we are, so we can experience and feel his love and affirmation at the very core of our being.2

Every day, as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, we are reminded of God’s unfathomable love for us and that “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions [sins] from us.”

In sending his Son, Jesus, to come to earth and die on the cross to pay the penalty for every sin you and I have ever committed or ever will commit, there is a profound demonstration of God’s love for you and me. To know and feel this love—if we haven’t already done this—we start by accepting God’s gift of forgiveness by confessing our sins to him and inviting Jesus to come into our heart and life as personal Lord and Savior. (See “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9 for help to do this.)

And all who have accepted Jesus as their Savior (no matter how long ago) we need to daily remind ourselves of and thank God for his great love for us, and pray that we will learn to love and accept ourselves as he loves and accepts us. It is also helpful to picture ourselves as a child being held in the arms of Jesus and being blessed by him as he did the children when he was here on earth.

These steps take time and considerable effort, but follow them faithfully and you will, in time, find object constancy and the love your heart yearns to find.

Suggested prayer, “Oh, God, don’t let me die without finding the love my heart craves for and without learning how to fully love and fully live. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 103:12-13 (NIV).
2. Adapted from “The Power of Love” by Dick Innes, http://tinyurl.com/283t54

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Object Constancy, Part II

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“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….”1

Both experience and scientific tests have shown that babies who don’t have object constancy; that is, who don’t receive sufficient love, care, and holding can die. Children who don’t have object constancy and don’t feel loved and accepted can become very aggressive or withdrawn. Teenagers may end up depressed, suicidal, on drugs, or in jail.

Adults without object constancy can become victims of any of a number of addictive substances or practices all of which are a vain attempt to fill the empty hole in their heart and deaden the pain of their hollow lives. Or they can become very ill-physically, emotionally and/or spiritually—and die before their time.

Some feel inadequate and powerless so use control as a poor substitute for empowerment. Others withdraw emotionally and, even though married and living with their spouse, they live together alone, apart.

Others unconsciously seek to replace parental love in romantic relationships and marriage. But no spouse can ever meet their mate’s unmet childhood need for mother or father-love. Others substitute sex for love and leave a trail of victims in their attempt to fill their empty void and to avoid facing the painful root cause of their emptiness and loneliness.

So, if we don’t have sufficient object constancy, how can we find the love we need and so be genuinely empowered for life?

Recovery

First, realize that the answer is not found in fame, fortune, popularity, sex, exciting “bells and whistles” romance, achievement or approval, but through recovery. The harsh reality is that only loved people find true love, and in the words of another, “We find it within or we find it not!”

Honesty

Second, recovery begins when we admit the truth, to ourselves and to a trusted friend or two, that we don’t feel loved or we didn’t feel loved as children, and that we have spent too much effort looking for love in all the wrong places.

Emotions

Third, we need to realize that we build up a considerable amount of anger, shame, hurt and grief over the loss of the love we never received. So we need to get in touch with all these buried emotions and get rid of them by expressing them creatively and mourning our loss. If necessary, we may need the help of a trusted counselor. If we don’t mourn our loss, we will inevitably take out our unresolved negative emotions on the ones we are closest too.

Causes

Fourth, when overwhelming feelings of loneliness and emptiness continually plague us, we need to realize that their roots most often lie in love deprivation from childhood. If so, it is important not to deaden or anesthetize our pain through endless activity, over-busyness, performance, sex, or any food or substance abuse, etc. What is needed is healthy re-parenting and getting our needs met in healthy ways—and not expecting anybody else to fill the empty void in our life.2

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if there is any unresolved area in my life, please reveal this to me. Help me to resolve it so I will experience a deep level of object constancy, so that my love cup will be filled to overflowing with your love and the love of others and “splash” onto every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV).
2. Adapted from “The Power of Love” by Dick Innes, http://tinyurl.com/283t54

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Object Constancy, Part I

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“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”1

“What on earth is object constancy?” I can hear readers asking.

It’s something that we needed to have from earliest childhood and maintain throughout life. With it we have a much better chance of living life to the full. Without it we will “limp along in the shadows of life” eking out a meager existence with a sense that something is missing—like having a feeling of emptiness. In a vain attempt to fill this void we may use food and become a foodaholic, or become a workaholic keeping busy, busy, busy to avoid facing the pain of this inner emptiness. Or we may become an alcoholic or use drugs to deaden the pain, or keep looking for love in all the wrong places.

Object constancy. We need it for survival. So what is it?

When a child is first born, as long as it is wanted and loved, it will be bonded and attached to mother in a healthy way. Here it feels safe and secure. As the child grows it not only needs to be weaned from mother’s breast but also, little by little, from mother’s presence so it can begin to find its own identity. During this process, as long as it has a deep inner sense of being loved, mother can leave the room and baby feels fine. And as long as mother’s love is constant and baby is an object of mother’s love, the baby has object constancy. That is, it constantly feels loved.

However, if the baby doesn’t have this deep sense of love and security, it may panic when mother leaves the room. Or even when mother is there, without a sense of constant love, baby will feel very insecure, and cry. But if and when it cries repeatedly and mother isn’t there or doesn’t come to comfort it, it will eventually stop crying and turn its pain inward. It has a lack of object constancy.

When a person grows up into adulthood without a deep sense of object constancy, it is headed for constant loneliness and relational difficulties. This person may look to the opposite sex, use sex to get what they mistake for love, and/or marry the wrong person in an unconscious attempt to fill that empty mother-void (and father-void if father’s love wasn’t constant either). Sex, romantic love, and/or marriage can never fill this void or heal this pain because the problem is that the lack of object constancy is a childhood issue. Romance and marriage is for adults.

Furthermore, where a person lacks object constancy, he or she can have a very difficult time feeling God’s love too.

And where we lack object constancy how do we find healing?

To be continued …

1. Suggested prayer for parents: “Dear God, please help me to be the loving parent I need to be so that all of my children will feel secure in my love for them and always sense your love flowing through me to them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

2. Suggested prayer for those who lack object constancy: “Dear God, about my loneliness and the empty void in my life, please help me to face the depth of this loss and stop running from the pain, and lead me to the help I need to find healing and recovery. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John

13:34 (NIV).

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Forgiveness Vs. Reconciliation

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“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”1

Following a series of Daily Encounters on “Forgiveness,” a number of readers wanted to know if forgiving another person meant that we have to forget what has happened; or to love and stay with them if they are abusive; or to trust them?

The answer is no, no, no! Let me explain further.

When we have sinned, we need to be reconciled to God,2 but while reconciliation with others is the ideal, it isn’t always possible—and sometimes not to be desired. Some teachers argue that forgiveness isn’t possible unless the offending person admits what she/he has done and asks for forgiveness of the one they have hurt. If this were true, many of us would be stuck for life for the fact that many people do not, or will not, admit that they have done anything wrong, let alone apologize for it.

Forgiveness is dependent only on the person who has been hurt. Reconciliation is dependent on both the offended and the one who has offended.

One reader, whose husband was an alcoholic and physically abusive and dangerous when drunk, wanted to know if forgiving him meant loving and trusting him. Whew … she was in quite a predicament. However, the most loving thing she could do, was to confront him and let him know that she was not going to tolerate his behavior any longer.

Furthermore, unless he got into recovery, and overcame his alcoholism and abusive behavior, she needs to separate herself and the children from him, and not return until his counselor could assure her that she and the children would be safe to live with him again. If she keeps tolerating his abusive and destructive behavior, she becomes part of his sickness.

In cases like this, the first thing victims need to do is to get professional counsel and help because some of these abusive husbands can become very dangerous.

And unless destructive and/or toxic, abusive people repent and change their ways, it is wise to avoid associating with them wherever possible. As the Bible indicates, it just isn’t possible to live peaceably with all people.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, in all my relationships, please help me to forgive all who have hurt me, to seek forgiveness where I have hurt others, and give me the wisdom to know when reconciliation is or isn’t advisable or possible, and give me the courage to do what I need to do no matter how painful or frightening it may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:17-18 (NASB).
2. 2 Corinthians 5:20 (NIV).

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God “Speaks”

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“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”1

A young teenager named Cody went on a mission venture to Ethiopia. While there he was exposed to poverty conditions he never knew existed. On one occasion, a little boy tugged on his shirt, evidently indicating that he wanted the t-shirt which Cody was wearing.

Cody gently turned him away and kept his shirt. He returned to the States and began to reflect upon the trip. The face of the little boy would not leave his memory. Nor would his t-shirt.

Cody began a campaign to collect t-shirts to send to the poverty-stricken country. He made calls, knocked on doors, and eventually had a whopping 18,000 t-shirts of which 10,000 were usable.

CNN called after hearing of his efforts and reported that they had discovered a relief plane to ship the shirts free of charge—but they could not guarantee where they would end up.

The relief agency used a jet and flew into a country not requiring a customs inspection—you guessed it—Ethiopia. The recipients were ecstatic. So was Cody.2

Perhaps, more often than not, if we look for the obvious, we will see it every-which-way we turn. And, if we are in tune with God and living in harmony with his will, we will see it.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to see the world around me through the eyes of Jesus and be what he would be and do what he would do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 1:27 (NIV).
2. “Vision—It’s The Tool of The Spirit.” Adapted from John Ortberg, www.willowcreek.org.

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Observing the Obvious

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“Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles.”1

I have read how in a park on the beautiful island of Bermuda there is a rock hanging on a rope with a large sign beside it which says, “Weather Station: Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If the rock is gone, it’s a hurricane.”

Don’t you just love it? At least it’s reliable!

I sometime kid, too, that the best way to get the latest weather report is to look out the window! Some things in life are obvious. And yet it is amazing how the obvious can stare us in the face and we not see it. And sometimes, with God, instead of “looking out the window” where the answer is staring us in the face, we want a special sign from him! All the evidence was staring the Jews in the face and still they refused to accept Jesus as their promised Messiah—because he didn’t arrive the way they wanted or expected!

Sometimes we, too, want a special sign from God for various reasons when the answer is staring us in the face. Sometimes we want God to be co-dependent and tell us everything we should or shouldn’t do—or even do for us what we need to do for ourselves. It should be obvious to the alcoholic who wants his wife and family back that he first needs to come to grips with his problem and overcome it, before he can expect his wife to return to him. Instead, he wants God to deliver him from the obvious consequences of his irresponsible behavior and give him his wife and family back now. It doesn’t work that way. Never has. Never will.

I have to admit when in college on more than one occasion I prayed that God would help me pass an exam when I knew very well that I wasn’t adequately prepared because I hadn’t studied sufficiently throughout the school term. It had nothing to do with God’s mercy that I passed this course. I had studied enough to get by. Had I not done this, I would have failed … with God’s blessing, no less!

But God isn’t codependent. He will not do anything for us that we need and can do for ourselves. Otherwise he would be keeping us over-dependent and immature. He will give us wisdom if we ask for it and guidance if we trust our life to him, but he does not and will not make our decisions for us, any more than a healthy parent will tell their adult children what they should or shouldn’t do. A healthy and wise parent will be a good sounding board for their adult children and help them to see their options so they can make their own decisions and choices. God will also do this for us if we ask him.

And when people ask questions such as, Is it God’s will that I should or shouldn’t marry this person? Or get this job? Or join this group? etc., etc., there may be some exceptions—and some won’t like this—but whether we should or shouldn’t get married is our choice. Also, God doesn’t send the right person to us (as so many pray for and expect). We need to be the right person if we are to be attracted to the right partner and he or she to us. Also, if I want to have a happy marriage, I need to be a happy person, for only happy partners make happy marriages. The fact is nobody else can make me happy—or unhappy for that matter, unless I allow them to. And where we work or for whom we work is also our choice. While God does call some people for specific ministries, he doesn’t have our lives in narrow, rigid, pigeon-holes. He gives us freedom to make our own choices and to live our life as we will—and the responsibility for the choices we make. If we make bad choices, we will get bad results.

God has given us both a head and a heart and expects us to use them both. God’s will for us covers a broad spectrum and a large framework. The important thing is that we live in harmony with his will; that is in accordance with the principles for effective living as found in his Word, the Bible. When we do this, while no life is perfect, we will find that most of life falls into place in harmonious ways. And the only way we can discover what these principles are is to read them in the Bible.

People who want God to tell them every detail of their lives are like little children wanting mommy or daddy to tell them every move. God wants us to grow up and be responsible, to become whole, and learn to make healthy choices and decisions. As I so often say, it’s only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, behavior, actions, relationships, choices and decisions be wholesome.

So where do we begin to know how to make right choices? By reading, studying and knowing God’s Word. This is where we find his principles for effective and wholesome daily living.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me a love for your Word and with the help of your Spirit, help me to understand it and learn your laws and principles for healthy, wholesome living. And please give me a longing to be made whole and a willingness to accept responsibility to do what I need to do. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Corinthians 1:22 (NIV).

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