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More on Relationships

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“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”1

Of all the requests for help from Daily Encounter readers, most have to do with impaired relationships. One of the toughest issues to deal with seems to be in the area of forgiving those who have hurt us.

For example another reader writes, “I have been dealing with an issue for some time. I was hurt deeply by two friends, but have never received an apology from them for what they did. I am trying to forgive and forget but haven’t been able to. I have prayed about it because I don’t want to become consumed with anger, but the pain is still there. What can I do?”

I guess most of us have been in a similar situation, and, if not yet, sooner or later we will be. So how do we handle this type of issue?

As the Bible encourages us, it is helpful to go to the person who has hurt us, and share with him/her how we feel. However, when we do this, it is important not to go with a blame-game-attitude. This is because what they did is their issue, but how we react and feel is always our issue and responsibility. We need to tell the person who has hurt us that we appreciate and value their friendship, but that we feel very hurt. We need to admit that our feelings are our problem; explain why we feel hurt; and say that we would like to talk things over so we can resolve our feelings.

This is usually the best approach wherever possible—and we have the courage to do it! There is no guarantee, however, that the offending party will respond favorably. But once we have done our part (as long as it is in a caring and mature manner), the rest is up to them. However, if they or we are immature, it may make matters worse! That’s always a risk to take in seeking to resolve impaired relationships.

Either way, it is imperative that we resolve our feelings. If we don’t, our hurt and anger may cause us to become resentful, and affect us physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. If we can’t resolve our conflict the first way, and still can’t resolve our feelings and genuinely forgive, we need to talk to an understanding pastor, or if necessary, to a qualified Christian counselor who will help us work through and resolve our feelings.

However, before we do anything, we need to ask God to reveal to us the truth of what we may be contributing in any way to the conflict we are in. This is critical because (as already noted) what others do to us is their problem or issue, but how we react is always our issue and our responsibility. Furthermore, to the degree we overreact, if we do, that is always our problem. Remember, too, that supersensitive people who have unresolved hurts from the past, will inevitably overreact in one way or another, either by exploding and lashing out at others, or by imploding and turning their hurt and anger in on themselves and stay hurt, become resentful, and even physically ill.

Impaired relationships can be and are very destructive to ourselves and others, and are the cause of many illnesses—relational, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. This is why the Bible encourages us to not allow the sun to go down while we are still angry, and to resolve these issues as quickly as possible.

NOTE: For further help see “Forgiveness: The Power That Heals,” http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to never forget that I live in a broken world where all people, including myself, have frailties and are struggling at some level to find loving relationships. Please help me to keep growing in Christian love and learning to handle every impaired relationship in a mature, Christ-like manner, and in so doing be an example for others to follow. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV).

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Hiding from God

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“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me…. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”1

You may have read about the iron-fisted professor (supposedly at the University of California) who was extremely rigid with his students. In reminding them about their final exam for the course he was teaching, he said they were not to begin their test until he told them exactly when they were to commence, and after exactly one hour they were to finish precisely at the time he said they were to stop, and immediately bring their test and place it on the front desk as they left the class room. If they failed to follow his instructions precisely, he would fail them.

So … at the final exam all the students followed the professor’s instructions exactly as he demanded—except for one student who kept writing after they were told to stop. The professor demanded that he stop writing, but he didn’t. He just kept working on his final exam. When he was finished, he brought his test to the front desk where the furious professor was sitting.

“Why didn’t you follow my instructions?” the professor demanded.

“Because I needed more time,” the student replied.

“Don’t you know I am going to fail you? What is your name?”

“You mean you don’t know my name?” the student replied.

“How could I?” the professor barked, “I have 400 students in this class!”

“Good,” said the student as he slipped his test into the pile of 399 other examination papers on the professor’s desk—and walked out of the room!

In this life we can hide all sorts of things from all sorts of people, but we can never hide from God. He sees all. He knows all. And he loves and accepts us anyhow. But we can also be sure that, unless forgiven, our sins will find us out—even if it is eventually!

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, thank you that I can never hide from you, that you know all about me, and that you always know where I am and what I am doing. That can be both frightening and comforting. Help me to so live that I will never need to be afraid of your seeing me, and help me to take comfort in the fact that no matter what circumstances I am in, you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully[,] in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 139:1, 7-14 (NIV).

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Second Chances

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“Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: ‘Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.’”1

I think most of us enjoy the story of “Jonah and the Whale (Great Fish).” Jonah was commissioned by God to go to Nineveh and warn the people that if they didn’t repent of their wicked, sinful ways, God would destroy them. Jonah didn’t like these people and didn’t want God to save them, so he boarded a ship and went off in the opposite direction. But God sent a great storm “to shake Jonah up.” However, all aboard the ship were terrified for their lives. When Jonah admitted he was the cause of the storm, the sailors threw him overboard.

But God in his mercy sent a big fish to swallow Jonah. Had God not done this, without a doubt Jonah would have drowned. On the third day, Jonah repented and God caused the great fish to vomit him up on a beach. After Jonah repented and God rescued him, God commissioned him a second time.

Having worked in the area of recovery for a number of years, and specifically in the area of divorce and grief recovery over the past decade, I have seen too many individuals rush into a second marriage without resolving the issues that caused their first marriage to fail—and then see their second marriage and, for some, their third marriage fail.

What many fail to realize is that, in all of life (not just marriage), what we fail to resolve we are destined to repeat … repeat … repeat … until we get it right!

The good news is that no matter how many times we fail, God in his mercy and infinite patience will give us a second, third, fourth, fifth, ad infinitum opportunity to get things right. However, once we get it right, we don’t have to go through the same failure again!

This is why I encourage divorcees (and others who have failed in other situations) to resolve the issues in their life that caused their marriage or situation to fail so they won’t have to go through the same terrible experience. God wants us to recover, heal and become whole so we won’t keep hurting ourselves—and others. Like Jonah, God will keep giving us as many opportunities as we need so we will get it right. That means quitting the blame game, admitting and facing our personal problems, and getting into recovery.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to admit every failure in my life and help me to see the causes behind these failures, and lead me to the help I need to resolve these issues and recover so I can move on with my life in more creative and wholesome ways. Please help me to use every one of my failures as an opportunity to grow and become a better, healthier, more God-honoring person. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Jonah 3:1-2 (NIV).

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Vengeance

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“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”1

In church one Sunday the visiting speaker told how a U.S. soldier (whom I will call Ed) in Afghanistan received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. Understandably, he was deeply hurt. To make matters worse, she asked him to return her photo as she needed it for her local newspaper to announce her engagement to another man.

The men in Ed’s unit all felt for Ed and were mad at his former girlfriend, so they all gave Ed a copy of a photo of their girl friends. Ed put these in a box and mailed them to his former girlfriend with a note which said, “I’m sending you a photo of all my girlfriends and can’t remember which photo is yours. So will you please take out yours and return all the rest to me.”

Aha! “Good for Ed,” I want to say! Vengeance can taste so sweet—at least for the immediate present. I know at times when I have felt that someone has been critical of me and their cutting remarks have cut deeply, I want to strike back and let them have a verbal blast packaged in humor/sarcasm, and have to pray for grace so I won’t do what I want to do … or at least say what I’d really like to say!

However, as the Bible reminds us, vengeance is best left to the Lord and judgment best left to the Holy Spirit. For some of us, including me, we will need to be “growing in grace” for the rest of our lives.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to keep growing in grace so that I will not lash out and hurt others when they have hurt me. Help me to turn the other cheek, and always be as Christ to those I find unlovable. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:19 (NIV).

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Crabgrass

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“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.”1

Pastor Ed Hart shared in a recent sermon, “Anyone who has put in a lawn understands about crabgrass because it hides there. It’s there but you don’t know it. Just when you think you have mastered the perfect lawn, lush and green, and you are sitting, taking in all that wonderful oxygen coming off those little blades of grass, you see it … and you say to yourself, ‘Aha! I’ve caught it in time. I’ve got it just as it is starting!’ However, as you begin to remove the crabgrass, you realize it’s been there all the time—forever!

“Just when we think we’re doing great in the Christian life … we discover something about ourselves that C.S. Lewis understood very well. In his book, Screwtape Letters, (a book of imagined correspondence between a major devil and his nephew, Wormwood, a junior devil), he writes the following to Wormwood, about humility:

“I see only one thing to do at the moment—as your patient (a young Christian) has become humble. Have you drawn his attention to the fact? All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is especially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, ‘By Jove, I’m being humble!’ And almost immediately pride, pride at his own humility, will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt. Through as many stages as you please, but don’t try this too long for fear you will awaken his sense of humor and proportion. In which case he will merely laugh at you and go to bed.”

“Lewis caught it. It is so easy to become puffed up about our own goodness, our good deeds, and our self-righteousness, and to take pride in it—and it’s the crabgrass of our soul that sneaks in there. Jesus warned us not to be like the hypocrites who do all for an outward show, and not to take ourselves too seriously. What we do should not be for appearance sake. But when we see ‘the crabgrass of pride’ poking up its ugly head, recognize it for what it is. Dismiss it. Laugh at yourself and go to bed.”2

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to purify my motives and do good deeds because I love you and I love those whom you love. I admit that I need much help to do this. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 6:1-2 (NIV).
2. Edgar P. Hart, in his sermon, “Not All Is What It Seems.” First Presbyterian Church of Napa, California. May 12, 2002.

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Healing a Man’s Father-Wound

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“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”1

In spite of what some women libbers, gay and lesbian would-be-parents, and mothers having children out of wedlock (to justify their actions), claim about fathers not being important for the development and well-being of children, the fact remains, God’s plan for parenthood and family life has never changed, and the significance of the role of fatherhood (as well as motherhood) cannot be underestimated.

“According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a father’s involvement with a child increases the child’s IQ, the child’s motivation to learn, and the child’s self-confidence. In addition, children with involved dads are more likely to develop a sense of humor as well as an ‘inner excitement.’”2

Interesting too, that Dr. Frank Minirth reports how “a recent survey revealed how children are learning their values: 43 percent by parents, 38 percent by television, 8 percent by peers, and 6 percent by teachers.”3

“The Los Angeles Lakers had just completed 13 games in 10 cities in 21 days. It was particularly tough on Dominic Harris, the 5-year-old son of Ann Harris and Laker Coach Del Harris. Said Dominic to Del: ‘I miss you, Dad. In fact, I can’t remember when I didn’t miss you.’”4

Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their fathers and you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so much of our relational and emotional distress. The father-wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed. (The same principles also apply to women who carry a deep father-wound.)

Speaking personally, from early childhood I started looking for love in the wrong places in a vain attempt to fill the empty vacuum caused by my emotionally absentee father.

For example, in days gone by I looked for love in the things I did—like making beautiful things including a dream home. I learned to move a group to tears, make them laugh hilariously and inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these things ever made me feel loved. In other words, I mistakenly mistook approval for love.

Perhaps most delusive of all is how, from a very early age, I looked to the opposite sex to try to make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started when I was a child. I still remember how I fell “madly in love” with my second grade school teacher, looking for love from her.

Unfortunately, no mother, wife or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for a brief moment of time, but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does, he (and she) may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her, but because of him. When his passion subsides, he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own loneliness and emptiness.

And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman … and another … to prove to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll seek to deaden his inner pain through alcohol, drugs, or addictive behaviors and even ruin his health and never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships. That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places for the father-love (and/or mother-love) he never received as a child.

To all fathers, I trust today’s Daily Encounter will help you realize the importance of becoming emotionally and spiritually involved in the lives of your children. And those of us who have a father-wound, let us stop our crazy ways of making attempts to deaden the pain of our inner emptiness, admit the true need of our heart, and seek the help of God and a trusted counselor if needed to find healing of our father-wound.

NOTE: For additional help, see the complete article, “Healing a Man’s Father Wound,” at: http://tinyurl.com/9dse4.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, (for those of us who are parents—especially fathers) please help me to be the father you planned for me to be to my children. Help me always to be as Christ to them, and may they grow up knowing that they are very much loved by me as well as you. And (for all of us who have a deep father-wound), please help me to face my father-wound and lead me to the help I need for healing and recovery so that I may become the father and family man you planned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV).
2. Source: Victor Parachin, “The Fine Art of Good Fathering,” Herald of Holiness, February 1995, pp. 32-33.
3. Dr. Frank Minirth, “Withstanding the Tides of Change,” Today’s Better Life, p. 52.
4. Lexington Herald-Leader, January 1, 1996, p. C2.

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Toxic Leaders

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“Care for the flock of God entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your good example.”1

A Daily Encounter reader requests: “Could you do a lesson on spiritual abuse in the church, please? Something about pastors who, rather than shepherding their flock, rebuke people into submission? And, like the Pharisees, know the letter of the law but not the spirit.”

Unfortunately, some legalistic leaders who use false guilt to control others do exist. When the early church slipped back into legalism, Paul asked them, “Who has bewitched [bedeviled] you?”2

People who have a need to control others, whether they are in the church or elsewhere, are very insecure and immature. They gain a sense of false security only when they feel that they are in control of those under or around them. While this is an emotional sickness, it affects those whom they control spiritually as well as emotionally, and can be psychologically damaging to them.

Furthermore, when leaders control others, they are playing the role of God and God’s Spirit in other peoples’ lives.

However, when we (as adults) allow ourselves to be controlled by others instead of yielding to the control or direction of God’s Spirit—and depend on others to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do—we act like children who need a parent figure for our own security. In so doing, we become a part of the controlling person’s sickness! This way we don’t have to think for ourselves, or accept responsibility for our decisions, and we can blame someone else for our bad choices. We do this because of our own insecurity and immaturity.

While we can’t change others, with God’s help we can change ourselves, and not allow others to control us or lord it over us! That is our responsibility.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that I can depend on you and on your Word, the Bible, to show me healthy ways of living, worshipping, and relating to others. Help me to grow in maturity so I will not be a controlling person or allow myself to be controlled or ‘lorded over’ by others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 5:2-3 (NLT).
2. Galatians 3:1 (KJV).

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The Power of Gossip

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“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”1

Alan Boone tells the humorous story how, at the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”2

Ooops … Some time ago after teaching a class, I was sharing personally with a friend and my microphone was still turned on! Very embarrassing!

What can be even more devastating and disappointing is when you have shared in confidence something very personal with someone that you trusted, only to find that they have shared it with someone else, and that someone shared it with someone else, and so on. Trust has been broken and you feel betrayed.

How easy it is to gossip. We can do it in numerous ways besides verbal assaults on a person’s character. When someone’s name is mentioned, all we have to do is say, “Oh, HIM!” in a negative tone of voice—or even give a dirty look at the mention of a person’s name. As another has said, “Most of us would never steal a man’s transportation, but think nothing of stealing his reputation.”

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to guard my tongue, and always ignore and never pass on harmful gossip. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 11:13 (NIV).
2. Alan Smith, Boone, NC. www.TFTD-online.com.

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The Winning Team

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“And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.”1

“Max Lucado, in his book, In the Grip of Grace, tells of his boyhood days when he and his friends would gather on the street each afternoon to play football. One dad in the neighborhood, a die-hard football buff, would sometimes join them. This dad always played for whichever team was losing that day. Max Lucado writes, ‘His appearance in the huddle changed the whole ball game. He was confident, strong, and most of all, he had a plan.’ The kids, fired up by his leadership and emboldened by his plan, played with new determination.

“Lucado makes the point that Jesus did the same thing for us. He came to join the losing team, and his appearance in the game changed everything. He was a leader who inspired hope, confidence, courage, and love in his disciples. And he had a plan, a plan so outrageous and amazing that no one, not even his disciples, truly understood it at first. But they trusted him as their leader, and so they followed. And now all of Jesus’ followers can be sure that we are going to win this game in the end.”

On January 8, 1956, five young men, Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Pete Fleming, and Roger Younderian died in the prime of life as they were seeking to take the gospel to the Woarani [Auca: meaning “savage”] Indians of Ecuador. They were all slain by the very tribe to whom they were seeking to bring the saving message of Jesus Christ.

And even though they all lost their lives, the words of Jim Elliot, the pilot of the five martyred missionaries, are as real today as they were the day Jim said them: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” This is because all who are on Jesus’ team will ultimately and eternally win, for Jesus Christ is still and always will be King of kings and Lord of lords, the Creator of the universe, the Great Creator who became our Savior.

Suggested prayer, “Thank you God for your great salvation and that, no matter what my circumstances are today, knowing that I am a child of yours and on your team, in the end I will win forever and forever. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 5:11-14 (NIV).

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Affliction to Give Advice

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“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”1

I remember years ago a friend talking about some people being “cursed with the affliction to give advice.” At the time it sure sounded strange as I had no idea what he meant. Now I understand.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, people “offering … unwanted [unsolicited] advice or services” are officious. They can also be obnoxious. Unwanted or unsolicited advice can be a put-down and can be a thinly veiled criticism.

I’m not talking about going to a lawyer, an accountant, a car mechanic, or whatever, where we need and ask for professional advice. What I’m talking about is when we share our struggles and feelings with a friend and they have a compulsion to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do. They are putting us down in that they assume that they know the answer to our situation and needs better than we know them ourselves.

Other people have a compulsion to tell you simple things like how to shine your shoes … how to sweep the floor … and how to do a myriad of other things that are obvious to all, assuming that you aren’t as knowledgeable or as smart as they are. They treat adults like a mother treats a small child! As the saying goes, “they come on parent.” They also make people angry.

Even when some people want advice in their personal life, it is a much wiser not to give it, but to help them see what their options are and determine their own solutions. As long as I “come on parent” to others, advising them what they should or shouldn’t do, it may inflate my weak ego and make me feel important (falsely so), but it keeps others over-dependent on me and immature. It can also play the part of God and the Holy Spirit in other people’s lives!

A good counselor doesn’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t do. He/she helps his/her clients to face reality (to see the truth … first about themselves and then about the situation they are in) and decide for themselves what they need to do.

What I want from a friend when I am feeling in the pits, is someone to listen to me with their heart, to give me their presence, and accept me as I am—and in so doing communicate to me that they care. On such occasions I don’t want or need advice, unsolicited or otherwise.

In other words I want friends who rejoice with me when I rejoice and weep with me when I weep. If you have such friends, cherish them forever. They are rare jewels.

Suggested prayer, “Thank you God and Jesus that you are friends of sinners such as I. Help me to be such a friend to others. Help me not to give advice but always and in all ways be as Jesus to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:15 (NKJV).

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