Yesterday in answering Jamie’s question on how to forgive her mother who had died, we discussed her need to express her pent-up negative emotions of hurt and anger to make forgiveness possible. One way to resolve her anger was to write to her mother as if she were still alive and express these feelings to her.

Another way to resolve anger is to go for a drive in your car, park in a safe place, turn your radio on fairly high, and talk to your mother as if she were right there in the car with you, and express all your hurt and angry feelings to her. You may also need to do this a number of times.

Another way to get your anger off your chest is (when you are home alone) to sit down and place an empty chair in front of you and pretend your mother is sitting in that chair and express all your hurt and angry feelings to her—or read your letter to her.

If you feel you can’t do this or that you might go out of control, I suggest that you see a qualified, professional counselor* who can help you to get all of your painful feelings off your chest. Once you are confident that you have done this, forgiveness becomes much easier and is a choice … so tell your mother you forgive her.

Remember too, as William Walton put it, “To carry a grudge [unforgiveness] is like being stung to death by one bee.”

One more suggestion. It may help to do what I once did. After resolving most of my negative feelings towards my father whom I felt had rejected me, I went alone to his graveside and sat there for a couple of hours “talking to him” as if he were alive. This, too, I found to be very freeing.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank You that You have created me with emotions that put sparkle into life. Please help me to find a safe way to express all my negative feelings and to freely forgive any and all who have ever hurt me as You have freely forgiven me for all my sins and failures—so I can move on to live a full and productive life for Your glory. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT).

*NOTE: If you live in North America you could telephone the Narramore Christian Foundation for the name of a Christian counselor in your area. Call 1-800-477-5893 and press “1″ for Mary and she should be able to help you. Or go to www.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php for counseling resources.

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “All my life I felt rejected by my mother who blamed me for her having a stroke when she was pregnant with me. Now she has passed on so how can I forgive her?”

Dear Jamie (name changed), forgiving someone who has passed away is not as difficult as it may seem. First, you need to get in touch with the emotions that unwarranted blame and rejection causes. You can be certain that you will have a lot of hurt and anger that needs to be expressed to make forgiveness possible. Unresolved resentment makes forgiveness impossible.

Your hurt needs to be wept or sobbed out in all of its intensity from the pit of your stomach. With such intense pain it is usually advisable to do this in the presence of a capable counselor or counselor-led support group. You need to imagine in your mind that your mother is present and you are expressing these feelings to her. Remember that tears are God’s gift to drain the pain of intensely painful memories.

There are several healthy ways to express your anger. You can write out your feelings. Pretend that your mother is alive and write a very personal letter to her. Don’t worry about correct spelling or grammar, just write … write … write out all your angry feelings in all their intensity. Tell your mother exactly how you feel and why you feel this way. You may need to do this several times until you no longer feel angry at her. Also, read each letter to God and ask him to help you release your anger so you can forgive your mother.

You are not doing this to hurt her (which you can’t) or to hurt anyone else but to get these self-destructive emotions off your chest so you can be freed to forgive her and in so doing be free to fully live and fully love.

To be continued …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to get in touch with all of my unresolved negative emotions and find a safe way to get them off my chest so I can genuinely forgive all who have ever hurt me. And then help me to let go of the past so I can move ahead to live a fully productive live. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB).

It is a fact of life that our lifestyle affects the quality of our life and that of our families.

Alcoholism for example affects millions of families and individuals. It tears families apart and is terribly damaging to children in their developmental years when they have a parent or parents who are alcoholics. It causes innumerable crimes including rape, physical and sexual abuse, murder, robbery and maimed lives—and slaughter on our highways.

Smokers also adversely affect their loved ones and others. Pulpit Helps reported that thirty percent of all cancer deaths are related to smoking. There is also a 70 percent greater risk of heart disease among smokers than among nonsmokers. Furthermore, second-hand smoke inhaled by non-smoking family members (and others) can also be deadly.

And while it is far from being politically correct to say so, according to an article in the former Moody Monthly magazine, homosexuals account for half the nation’s cases of syphilis, even though they represent only a small percent of the population. The reason? Promiscuity. Homosexuals are also the principal victims of AIDS and other infectious diseases, and are fifteen times more likely to commit a murder. And according to the EP News Service, the U.S. government spends more on AIDS research than it does on heart diseases. This is in spite of the fact that cardiac disorders claim forty times more deaths than AIDS.

God has a sound reason for all of his laws—including the ones that cover the sins of the spirit such as emotional dishonesty, jealousy, envy, malice, hatred, resentment, greed, lust, an unforgiving spirit, and so on. All of these are damaging to the body as well as to the emotions and spirit just as much as cigarette smoking is to the body—and perhaps even more damaging. It’s a fact of life that whatever we sow, we reap. That’s the law of the harvest.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank You for Your Word, the Bible, that gives clear instructions for healthy physical, emotional, relational and spiritual living. Please give me a love and deep appreciation for Your Word, the desire to study and understand it, and the good sense to follow the instructions found therein. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:7 (NIV).

One of the great principles we need to emphasize to keep our society healthy and productive is the principle of personal responsibility. It’s a principle that needs to be programmed and engrained into our belief system. It needs to be taught and demonstrated in the home and at every level of society.

If people don’t believe they are responsible, they will not behave responsibly. If they believe they are responsible, most will consistently act and behave responsibly.

Obviously, we weren’t responsible for our upbringing but we are fully responsible for what we become. The world doesn’t owe us a living. As the Bible teaches, if we refuse to work we shouldn’t eat.

Furthermore, when we repeatedly do anything for others that they can and need to do for themselves, we can make and keep them over-dependent, immature and irresponsible. It is not the loving thing to do. It is being irresponsible.

I remember reading about some sea gulls in a fishing village that, for many years, fed on the scraps the fishermen left. When the fishing industry in this place closed, the sea gulls had forgotten how to gather food for themselves. They died of starvation.vThe same principle applies to people. When we do things to keep them over-dependent, we destroy their growth and maturity. It’s the same with God, he will bend the heavens to touch the earth to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves— such as paying the penalty for all our sins by dying on the cross at Calvary in our place to pay the penalty for all our sins—but, while he has promised to give us wisdom and guidance, he won’t do for us what we can and need to do for ourselves.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me always to be responsible for my actions and not expect others to do for me what I can and need to do for myself. Also, please help me not to take on anyone else’s responsibilities and thereby keep them over-dependent on me. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’s name, amen.”

1. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 (NIV).