Monthly Archives: July 2013

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself … Part II

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“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”1

Yesterday we discussed how to overcome real guilt by confessing what we have done wrong both to God and to at least one trusted person and, where possible, to the one whom we have hurt or wronged. When we do this, real guilt goes.

However, if having done the above and I still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt. With false guilt I can confess it all day long, but the “guilty” feeling will never go away because it isn’t guilt.

False guilt is a conditioned response that is more often than not learned in childhood. If, for example, I had super-strict parents and lived up to their every expectation, did everything the way they wanted it done, and even believed the same as they believed and so on, they would give me their love and approval. If, on the other hand, I didn’t conform to their every expectation (be they realistic or not), they would withdraw their love and approval, and would make me feel guilty. That’s false guilt. In other words, this kind of parental love is conditional, but conditional love isn’t love at all. It’s a means of controlling others.

Immature parents aren’t the only ones that use false guilt to control others. Legalistic churches and religious groups are notorious for doing this. This keeps their followers in bondage, hinders their growth in maturity, and stops their depending on God’s Spirit to direct them.

False guilt can also be the result of being a perfectionist or having perfectionistic tendencies. When one doesn’t live up to his unrealistic expectations of himself, like his parents of old, he sends himself on a false guilt trip.

So how do we overcome false guilt? I wish I had a simple answer, but I don’t. Nor do I have a magic wand to make the problem vanish. Resolving false guilt requires a reprogramming of one’s thinking as well as his/her emotional responses. One’s “guilty self-image” in large part was programmed in the past by failing to conform to and living up to somebody else’s unrealistic expectations of him or her.

Reprogramming is achieved over time by developing a guilt-free healthy self-image based on who one IS—and NOT on what he/she did or didn’t do. As I let a trusted friend or counselor see the real me—warts and all—and as he/she loves and accepts me as I am, little by little I learn to love and accept myself in the same way that God loves and accepts me. This takes courageous honesty, a commitment to recovery, and perseverance. God’s Word, the Bible, provides the essential key for this healing: “Therefore confess your sins [and faults] one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see when I am experiencing false guilt; help me to understand the root cause of it; and please help me to find a safe, accepting friend or counselor to whom I can confess my struggles, and who will help me on the pathway to recovery. And when my guilt is real, please give me the courage to admit and confess the cause of this guilt, not only to you, but also to a trusted friend or counselor—and where needed to the one I may have sinned against. Thank you for your forgiveness, and for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. James 5:16 (NIV).

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When You Can’t Forgive Yourself … Part I

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“Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”1

“How can I get rid of this terrible guilt?” a distraught father recently asked me. “I have been in a terrible conflict with one of my sons for many years. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated with him that I said to myself, ‘I wish he would die.’ That night he died.”

This father is blaming himself for the death of his son. In his mind he is convinced that Satan killed him because of his wish.

I can understand why this father is distraught. However, the fact is, he didn’t cause his son to die. His son had been very ill for some time and died of natural causes. If Satan had anything to do with this matter, it was sowing the lie in the father’s mind about the devil killing his son. What the father is struggling with is not real guilt but false guilt.

One of the difficulties regarding guilt is learning to tell the difference between real guilt and false guilt. Because they pretty much feel the same, it can be challenging to sort out the real from the false.

Some counselors claim that all guilt is psychologically damaging, but this is nonsense. If we don’t feel guilty when we do wrong, we’d be a bunch of psychopaths with dead consciences. It’s false guilt that is psychologically damaging because it keeps people in endless bondage not because of what they did, but because of their faulty thinking.

To resolve real guilt, for our spiritual wellbeing we need to admit what we have done wrong, confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. When we do this God forgives us. He promised he would.2 For our mental wellbeing we also need to confess our wrongdoing to at least one trusted friend or counselor, and wherever possible ask the one we wronged for their forgiveness, and seek to make amends for what we have done. And then, regardless of whether this person forgives us or not, God has forgiven us and we need to forgive ourselves. When we genuinely do this, we experience the relief that David experienced when he confessed his sin with Bathsheba.

However, if having done all of this and we still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is a totally different matter.

Continued tomorrow in Part II….

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always admit and confess my sins so I can be forgiven and therein resolve my feelings of guilt, and please help me to overcome the sins that so easily beset me. When I experience false guilt, help me to see it for what it is and get the help I need to overcome it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 32:2-5 (NLT).

2. 1 John 1:9.

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Whittling Away at the Word of God

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“All Scripture is God-breathed [inspired] and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”1

In an Agape Press news report, Mark Creech shared how “Mike Yaconelli once wrote in the Wittenburg Door about his life in a small rural community where there were lots of cattle ranches, and once in a while a cow would wander off and get lost. He wrote, ‘Ask a rancher how a cow gets lost, and chances are he will reply, ‘Well, the cow starts nibbling on a tuft of green grass, and when it finishes, it looks ahead to the next tuft of green grass and starts nibbling on that one, and then it nibbles on a tuft of green grass right next to the hole in the fence. It then sees another tuft of green grass on the other side of the fence, so it nibbles on that one and then goes on to the next tuft. The next thing you know the cow has nibbled itself into being lost.’”2

Over the last two centuries liberal theologians and churches have whittled away at the Word of God until they have gotten to the point where they decide what is God’s Word and what isn’t. Among many church leaders and church members today abortion on demand is accepted and approved, homosexuality and the gay lifestyle are no longer questioned, and gay marriage is permitted—all of which God’s Word, the Bible, strongly opposes. And the reason God is opposed to any and all sinful behavior is because it hurts and ultimately destroys those whom he loves—us!

Mark Creech also shared how a fairly recent poll of members of a major Protestant church in the U.S. “found that only 43% of parishioners, 50% of elders, and 39% of clergy could agree that Jesus Christ was the only way of salvation.”3 At this point such adherents have nibbled themselves into being lost—eternally lost—because Jesus made it very clear that he and he alone was the only way to God. He said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”4

Furthermore, had there been any other way for men and women to come to God, why would Jesus, the Son of God, have needed to come to earth in human form, to be crucified and die on the cruel and excruciatingly painful Roman cross to save us from our sins?

Whenever we ignore God’s Word and go our own way, we do so to our peril. And in so doing, we can drag other people down with us into an eternal hell.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for your Word, the Bible, in which you give clear instructions for this life as well as the next. Please deliver me from the sin and folly of adding to your Word or detracting from it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV).

2. Mark H. Creech, “The Right Frame of Mind. How

Did Mainline Churches Get This Way?” August 25,

2003. Agape Press.

3. Ibid.

4. John 14:6 (NIV).

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Outrunning Who?

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“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”1

It’s an old story but worth repeating: Two friends are hiking in the woods when they come upon a menacing-looking bear walking directly toward them. When one fellow starts to slowly remove his backpack, the other whispers, “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m going to run for it,” was his reply.

“But you can’t outrun a bear,” his pal protested.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you.”

As Michael Josephson said in his weekly column, “Everywhere we see people living their lives according to this Darwinian law of the jungle. They see everything as a competition just to find the most extreme tactics to assure their own survival. You’ve heard the rationales: ‘It’s a dog-eat-dog world,’ ‘Eat or be eaten,’ ‘You’ve got to look out for Number One.’”2

Wrong! These people end up only outrunning themselves—even if it is eventually!

People who believe in and live by this dog-eat-dog philosophy will die by this philosophy. As it has been said, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.” And what is the point of being the richest or most successful person in the cemetery? The reality is that we can’t take what we gained with us when we die.

But if we honor others and treat them as Jesus would treat them, we can send ahead all that we have legitimately gained—as an investment in eternity—and therein store up riches in heaven.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from ever participating in this ‘dog-eat-dog’ mentality and practice. Help me rather to be like Jesus in all ways and treat others accordingly. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:10 (NIV).

2. Michael Josephson, Character Counts www.charactercounts.org.

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Do Your Best

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“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”1

“When Leonardo da Vinci was still a pupil, his elderly, well-known teacher asked him to finish a painting that he, the teacher, had begun.

“Young da Vinci stood in such awe of his master’s skill that at first he respectfully declined. But his teacher would accept no excuse. He simply said, ‘Do your best.’ Trembling, da Vinci took his brush and began. With each stroke, his hand grew steadier as the genius within him awoke. Soon he was so caught up in his work that he forgot his timidity. When the painting was finished, the frail and weak master was carried into the studio to see it. Embracing his student, he exclaimed, ‘My son, I paint no more!’”2

Not everyone has the kind of talent and genius that Leonardo da Vinci had, but every one of us has God-given talents that he wants us to develop and use for his glory. He never expects from us what he hasn’t gifted us to do. And he has already equipped us to do what he wants us to do. So use what talents you possess. Do your best and leave the rest to God. As Henry van Dyke said, “The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the talents you have given to me. Please help me to see what they are, develop them fully, and use them to the best of my ability for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV).

2. Richard W. De Haan, Radio Bible Class, www.rbc.org.

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How Then Should We Work?

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“For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.”1

According to an article by Eric Metaxas in BreakPoint Daily, “More than 5,000 people jammed a sports arena for a conference featuring motivational speakers…. One of the speakers asked a simple question: ‘If you went home tonight and found that a long lost relative had died and left you ten million dollars, would you be at work tomorrow?’

“Almost in a single voice came the boisterous reply: ‘NO!’2

“Friends, I can tell you, if I’d been there, I would have stood up and shouted, ‘YES!’”

Had I been there, I also would have stood up and shouted, “YES!” … and would have immediately prayed and researched how I could use this money to reach more people around the world with the saving gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ, which is a vital part of what God is doing in the world today.

The BreakPoint article also stated that 77% of Americans hate their job.2 This is extremely sad because all legitimate work is God-ordained. Think of all the people in today’s world who are out of work and want to work. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like to experience. For many it has to be devastating. Today’s Scripture, of course, would not apply to those who truly want to work, but can’t find a job. It is also clear about those who could work but don’t want to. This reminds me of a sign on the San Clemente pier, which is close to where we live, that says the following:

“Don’t feed the birds. It makes them over-dependent on people,
and they forget how to fend for themselves … and die.”

If we have work, let us be thankful for it, and realize that no matter what we do we are to do all for the glory of God; and regardless of our position, we need to ask God to help us to be an effective witness for Jesus, and to be “as Jesus” to all those with whom we work—including the boss.

But I can “hear” some saying about me that I am just lucky because I have work that is very fulfilling. This is true; however, over the years I have worked cleaning filthy machines in a pie factory, scrubbing floors and being a janitor at a church at night time and over weekends, and doing whatever work I could find to put myself through several years of college. I was very thankful for this work which made it possible for me to eat and to pay all my college bills.

If you are in a job that you hate, I encourage you to get well trained to do the kind of work that you would find fulfilling, and pray that God will help you find such a job. Remember, too, that we serve God by serving people, and we can do that in any job.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to appreciate the fact that all legitimate work is God-ordained. Help me to know what work would best suit my God-given abilities, and where to get the training necessary to qualify me for this type of work. Also, please help me to find a job that would be fulfilling and give me the satisfaction of knowing that I am working to bring glory to your name. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 (NKJV).

2. Eric Metaxas, BreakPoint Daily, October 25, 2012, http://www.breakpoint.org/.

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A Prayer to Transform Your Life

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“This is the confidence that we have in Him [God], that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.”1

From time to time I encourage Daily Encounter subscribers to start his or her day with the following prayer: “Dear God, again today I commit and trust my life and way to you. I am available, please make me usable, use me to be a witness for Jesus, and help me to be ‘as Jesus’ in some way to every life I touch—today!”

I have prayed this prayer every morning for many years and, by the grace of God, plan to pray it every day until the Lord calls me home. The fact is that God uses ordinary everyday people who are available to do his work here on earth—often in unusual ways.

Recently, for example, I was on our sidewalk talking with our gardener when a neighbor walked by and wanted to talk to me. She was deeply hurt over a situation that was caused by another neighbor who had bawled her out. She shared with me what happened and was crying. It upset me too and I ended up crying with her. I then asked if I could hug and pray for her, to which she readily agreed, after which, she genuinely thanked me.

Furthermore, our gardener stepped aside a little but watched the entire event. I’ll bet he never witnessed anything like this before—neither had I.

Reminds me of the hymn that says: “God moves in a mysterious way / His wonders to perform / He plants his footsteps on the seas / And rides upon the storm.”

Again I encourage you to pray the following prayer every morning of your life and see how God will use you too.

Today’s Prayer: “Dear God, again today I commit and trust my life and way to you. I am available, please make me usable and use me to be a witness for Jesus, and help me to be ‘as Jesus’ in some way to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 5:14-15 (NKJV).

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The Declining U.S.A. Church

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Jesus gave specific instructions to his followers when he said: “Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature… . Go therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them … teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you.”1

Tragically the church in the U.S.A. today is in sad decline. “Few have spoken as sharply concerning the failures within the Church as Wes Moore, Founder of Evidence America, who wrote: ‘We have no strategy to recruit and train new evangelists within our congregations. We don’t organize our people to effectively reach the lost. Over 90% of our people have absolutely no intention of sharing their faith. Our leaders are often too apathetic to make any worthwhile changes. All the while, the numbers stare us in the face: 85% of our churches are declining. When you measure church growth against population growth, only about 4% of churches in America are actually growing (that means 96% of churches are actually declining)… And, according to the Barna Group, of the more than 350,000 Protestant churches in America, over 60,000 don’t have a single convert each year.’”2

I can’t help but wonder, too, is another reason why the church in the U.S. is in decline because we have substituted entertainment for prayer supposedly to attract the younger generation? I think that Pastor Jim Cymbala, pastor of the once struggling Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York City (now with 10,000 members), might agree. In a Sunday morning church sermon he was stressing the critical importance of prayer if their church was going to be blessed by God, and shared the following:

A minister from Australia (or perhaps New Zealand) happened to be present that morning—a rare occurrence. I introduced him and invited him to say a few words. He walked to the front and made just one comment:

“I heard what your pastor said. Here’s something to think about: You can tell how popular a church is by who comes on Sunday morning. You can tell how popular the pastor or evangelist is by who comes on Sunday night. But you can tell how popular Jesus is by who comes to the prayer meeting.”

And with that, he walked off the platform. That was all. I never saw him again.3

From my observation the weekly church prayer meeting, by and large, is a thing of the past. No wonder we are in decline.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be a vital part of a praying church that believes—in obedience to Christ’s commission—that the supreme task of the church is the evangelization of the world. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 16:20; Matthew 28:19-20.

2. Source: http://evangelicalviewpoint2006.blogspot.com/ May 1, 2012.

3. Cymbala, Jim; Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire, Zondervan, p. 28.

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The Power of Tears

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“As he [Jesus] approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, ‘If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes.’”1

Walter Wangerin in his book, The Manger Is Empty, “has a wonderful story, called ‘Matthew, Seven, Eight, and Nine’ about how he tried to stop his son Matthew from stealing comic books. He tried various uses of the law over several years and continued to fail. Finally, he resorted to something he rarely used: a spanking. He did it deliberately, almost ritualistically, and he was so upset when he finished that he left the room and wept. After pulling himself back together, he went in to Matthew and hugged him.

“A number of years later, Matthew and his mother were doing some general reminiscing, and Matthew happened to bring up the time when he kept stealing comic books. ‘And you know why I finally stopped?’ he asked. ‘Sure,’ she said, ‘because Dad finally spanked you.’ ‘No!’ replied Matthew, ‘No, because Dad cried.’”2

When Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, died, the Bible records that Jesus wept.3 And, today, when you and I suffer, and when people reject him, Jesus still cares and grieves deeply just as he did over the death of Lazarus, and as he did over the people in Jerusalem in his day when they rejected his offer of eternal salvation.

Frank E. Graeff, the hymn writer, asked, “Does Jesus care when my heart is pained / Too deeply for mirth and song / As the burdens press and the cares distress / And the way grows weary and long? O yes, he cares; I know He cares / His heart is touched with my grief / When the days are weary, the long nights dreary / I know my Savior cares.”

Yes, dear reader, Jesus cares about you and longs that you will come to him with all you heartaches, and especially that you will come to him for the gift of forgiveness and eternal life. If you have not received God’s forgiveness and his gift of eternal life, for help be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian—without having to be religious,” at: www.actsweb.org/christian.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you know and understand me more than anyone else ever could, and that you care deeply for me. Please help me to grasp the fullness of your love and concern and learn to trust in you implicitly no matter what. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 19:41-42 (NIV).

2. Walter Wangerin, Jr., The Manger Is Empty, pp. 116-132. Cited on http://girardianlectionary.net/year_b/lent5b.htm

3. John 11:35.

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Where Are the Nine?

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Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?”1

“You probably read about Paddy who was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

“Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey.’

“Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

“Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’”2

While we make jokes about such things, I wonder how often I pray, God answers, and I forget to say thank you … or fail to even see that God has answered my prayer because it wasn’t in the way that I expected it to be.

The fact is, when my prayer is sincere from the heart, God always hears and answers it. Sometimes the answer is “Yes,” sometimes it is “No,” and sometimes it is “Wait a while.” And sometimes it is in a way that is totally different from what I expected.

The important thing is that we always thank God for hearing and answering our prayers regardless of the way in which they are answered, because God always knows what is best for us. Let’s not be like the ten lepers whom Jesus healed and only one came back to acknowledge and thank Jesus for healing him.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that you always hear and answer my prayers in one way or another. May I always have a grateful heart and learn to thank you regardless of the way in which you answer my prayer. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 17:17 (NIV).

2. Author unknown.

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