A Daily Encounter reader writes: “I am writing because I need to confess some things I am struggling with. I have a drinking, smoking, and pornography problem and am irresponsible with spending. As a result I have lost my home. I don’t want to do these things and repent over and over but keep doing them. I am so sick of this filth that’s inside of me. I feel like I’m going down this shame spiral. I feel very frustrated, depressed and angry. I want to change in a hurry before something more drastic happens.”

Dear Tim (name changed), thank you for sharing your struggles. This is the beginning point of recovery. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you a quick fix as it takes commitment, time and hard work, as well as God’s help, to overcome problems that have established themselves in our life over a period of years.

The next step in recovery is to learn how to pray the right prayer; that is to pray honestly with the right motive. For instance, it is imperative that you admit that you are an addict—addicted to drinking, smoking, pornography and over-spending. Realize that any habit that controls us is an addiction. When we want God to deliver us only from our addictive behaviors without admitting the real issue of being an addict and dealing with the cause or causes (often hidden) of the addictive behaviors that enslave us, we are praying the wrong prayer with the wrong motive.

True, while your addictive behaviors are problems that need to be confronted, they are not the main issue, but the symptoms of a deeper problem—the fruit of a deeper root. It’s at that deeper root level that God wants to heal you. When we focus our prayers only on the symptoms, we tend to reinforce them, for what the mind dwells on, the body acts on.

From what you have shared about your family background, it is obvious that you are suffering a deep love-deprivation need that goes all the way back to your childhood. It is at this level where you need healing. Your addictive behaviors have been used as a defense against feeling this pain and as a means to medicate and deaden it.

You need help to stop acting out in addictive behaviors so you can feel your pain, face it, confront it, and resolve it. Start by praying the right prayer. Admit to God that you are an addict, that you are powerless to overcome your addictions in your own strength, and ask God to help you see the real cause of your problem, and to lead you to the help you need to overcome it.

Also, realize that you can’t overcome your problem alone. You have already learned that this doesn’t help. A recovery program such as an AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) group can help you to stop acting out in addictive behaviors. This will allow you to get in touch with and resolve the cause or causes of your addictive behaviors.

Chances are that you are going to need help from a capable counselor who can help you work through and resolve your childhood hurts and lack of meaningful love—which is undoubtedly at the root cause of your addiction. (See below for helpful information.)

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in all my praying, please help me to be honest with myself and with you, admit what I really am (an addict that needs help … or name whatever problem you are struggling with), and see the root cause of my addictive behaviors. And please lead me to the help I need to resolve and overcome my problem. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Note: For help to locate a counselor/counseling in your area see “Suggested Resources for Counseling” at: https://learning.actsweb.org/counseling_resources.php

1. James 4:3 (NIV).

I’m not sure why God didn’t want David to take a count of his “armed forces” unless it was that God wanted David to stay dependent on him—not on his military might. At any rate, David went against God’s directives and became conscience-stricken.

Conscience can be a tricky thing. We weren’t born knowing what was right or wrong but with the ability to learn this. The word “conscience” is comprised of the prefix “con” meaning “with” and “science” meaning “knowledge” and literally means “with knowledge.”

At birth our conscience was like a blank tape that was programmed by those who shaped our early life. If you grew up in a rigid, legalistic, punitive home, church or religious group, chances are you will have a rigid, legalistic and punitive conscience. Some of these people feel so controlled, restricted and smothered that they end up rebelling against or even deadening their conscience. On the other hand if you grew up in a very liberal or loose environment, you may do some things God’s Word teaches are wrong and not feel a twinge of conscience.

As a result of faulty teaching, some of us sometimes feel guilty (conscience-stricken) when we shouldn’t and don’t feel conscience-stricken when we should.

As adults, to have a healthy conscience many of us need to deprogram the legalism and other faulty teaching we received in the past, and reprogram our conscience with knowledge based on what God’s Word teaches so that we know what is right and what is wrong so our feelings no longer confuse, control or lead us astray.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, sometimes I am confused so please help me to always know what is the right thing to do and the courage to do it. And help me to know what wrong things not to do, and the wisdom and strength not to do them—based on the truth of your Word and not on the basis of how I feel. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Samuel 24:10 (NIV).

Guilt, false guilt, and shame can all look alike but they’re not. For instance true guilt says you have done something wrong or bad, while shame says you are bad; that is, you are a bad person.

With real guilt, if you know you’ve done something wrong, and confess it and make restitution, the feeling of guilt goes away. If it doesn’t, it may be false guilt or shame you are struggling with.

You can confess false guilt forever, but that will never resolve it because it isn’t guilt. It is a conditioned response learned mostly in earlier years.

It can come from parents, siblings, and even from some rigid churches, sad to say.

Some of it, at least, works like this: “If you do what I want you to do, behave the way I want you to behave, conform to what I want, and even believe what I want you to believe, I will give you my love and approval. If you don’t do these things, I will withhold my love and approval and make you feel guilty. Or if you do things I don’t like, I will make you feel ashamed with my ‘shame on you’ statements and attitude.” Or if a child was sexually violated or abused he or she may feel shame-based.

False guilt and shame are destructive ways of controlling other people. Both are psychologically damaging. To overcome these, a recovery program or counseling is often needed.

As I understand it, guilt in the Bible is a legal—not a feeling—entity. If we have sinned and done wrong, we are guilty regardless of what we feel. Its purpose is not to make us feel that we are bad persons or to shame us, but to inform us that we have done wrong and that there are always consequences. The feeling response we ought to feel when we have done wrong is Godly sorrow. This is to motivate us to come to Jesus Christ for his salvation and forgiveness, wherever possible to put right the wrongs we have done, and to genuinely repent of (turn away from) sinful actions.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me never to use false guilt or shame to control anyone. Also, help me to resolve any feelings of false guilt and shame that I may have and therein experience your unconditional love, forgiveness, and affirmation at the very core of my being. If there is any real guilt in my life, help me to see it, to seek your forgiveness for it, and wherever possible put right any wrongs that I have done. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV).

When we stop codependent caretaking, we can expect to get lots of flack, especially if we’ve been doing this for someone for a long time. They, too, are not likely to give up their overdependence without a struggle. Some will pout, some may “scream and holler” and some may get downright nasty. They are very adept at playing the “blame-game” and will do all in their power to make us feel guilty and/or ashamed.

Getting blame/shame/guilt thrown at us is bound to happen. But if we catch (accept) it, that’s our problem and we’ll need to work on that.

To stop catching these “fiery darts” we need, first of all, to see them for what they are and say kindly but firmly to the thrower, “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty are you?” or “You’re not trying to make me feel bad are you?”

They will deny it of course, but if we stop catching what they’re throwing, eventually they will at least stop throwing it to us.

However, if we are blame/shame/guilt throwers ourselves, we need to admit what we are doing (as it is a way of “dumping our stuff” onto others) and take full responsibility for resolving “our stuff” (our own unresolved problems/issues). And, if we are blame/shame/guilt catchers, we need to see this for what it is and stop allowing others to “dump their stuff” on us.

At times we may need to confront irresponsible people with the truth of their actions, but it isn’t our responsibility to make them feel guilty. Guilt is best left to the Holy Spirit.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me neither to be a blame/shame/guilt thrower or catcher, but to own and take responsibility for my ‘stuff’ (unresolved issues/problems) and become the whole and mature person you have envisioned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 7:8 (NKJV).

In one breath Paul says that we should bear each other’s burdens, and in the next breath he says that every man should bear his own burden. Is he talking out of both sides of his mouth?

Actually Paul is referring to two types of burdens. The first means a large boulder, the weight of which is too heavy for any one person to carry alone.

The second refers to a knapsack size burden that one can readily carry himself. In other words, we need to help people when their load is too heavy to bear alone but not when they can handle it quite well by themselves.

However, those who are “takers” can be adept at getting those of us who are “care-takers” hooked into feeling sorry for them and we end up taking responsibility for their knapsack. What we need to do is to walk away and leave their knapsack for them to carry. They may get nasty and mean when we do this, but if we don’t walk away from them, we become a part of their sickness.

To do this can be very unnerving at first. Long-standing patterns never surrender without a struggle, but helping people help themselves when they are fully capable of doing so is the kindest and most loving thing we can do for them—regardless of what our feelings “tell” us. By developing healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from being used, in time we will feel good about what we have done—or what we have stopped doing—because we will know that we have done the right and healthy thing. Plus, when we allow ourselves to be used, we make ourselves angry and upset and feel badly about ourselves—and understandably so.

So here’s a paraphrased edition of what Paul said: “Help carry one another’s boulders but don’t carry their knapsacks for them.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, give me a discerning heart so I know when to help a brother or sister with their boulder, and when I need to quit carrying knapsacks for people who are quite able of carrying their own knapsack. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name.”

1. Galatians 6:2, 5 (NIV).

Caretaking, when it is a symptom of codependency, is being so concerned about taking care of others that we neglect to take responsible care of ourselves. It’s also feeling responsible for somebody else’s happiness and for their negative feelings as well.

It is good to be kind to others, but when we do things for them that they should, could and need to be doing for themselves, we are not being helpful or loving. We are encouraging overdependence.

The bottom line is motive. The codependent caretaker may look like he is doing something for someone else but he’s really doing it for himself—to be liked, to have others think he is wonderful, to feel needed and wanted, or trying to earn love. But love cannot be earned. It’s a gift. If it has to be earned, it’s conditional and isn’t love—it’s need.

One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is to take responsible care of ourselves and be responsible for our own happiness. And one of the kindest things we can do for others is to allow them to do the same. This is a part of what I believe Paul meant when he said, “Every man shall bear his own burden or carry his own load.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to help another where he or she can’t help him/herself, but help me not to take over another’s responsibilities when he/she needs to be taking care of him/herself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Galatians 6:5 (NIV).