Monthly Archives: August 2011

Communication: Key to Effective Relationships Part I

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“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”1

“Hey, Dad, what do you think of that?” asked one of my sons on one occasion when I was driving him to school.

“What do I think of what?” I asked as I had no idea what he was talking about.

“That ad on the radio,” he replied rather surprised.

The radio was at a reasonable volume but I didn’t hear a word the advertiser said. Why? It’s because we all have what communicators call a mental filter system. In other words we have a tendency to hear only what we want to hear and filter (or block) out everything else. This is called “selective attention.”

This is only one reason why relationships can be so difficult … too often we don’t listen to what the other person is saying and hear only what we want to hear. This can leave partners very frustrated. “I said such and such,” one says and the other replies, “No, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “No you didn’t.” And the self-defeating cycle continues.

Not only do we have selective attention, we also have selective exposure in that we mostly expose ourselves only to those things we want to see and hear. Like the wife who leaves the book, Seven Ways to Fulfill Your Wife’s Needs, on the TV hoping her husband will read it! Chances are he won’t see it, let alone pick it up and read it.

To make matters worse, another filter we use is selective perception which means that we perceive or see things the way we want to see them—often based on our needs, interests, wants, or self-concept. For instance, the man dying of thirst in the desert sees mirages of desert springs. Or if I have a poor self-image and you give me a compliment, I will think you are lying or wanting something.

To be concluded …

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be always truthful, not only with you, but also with myself and others, and always speak and communicate the truth in love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:15 (NIV).

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Look Where You’re Going

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“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith….”1

I was amused at the story our now “middle-aged” pastor recently told about himself when trying to learn surfing a few short years ago. He had a difficult time “getting it” and, according to his own confession, still hasn’t mastered the art of successful surfing.

I could identify with him in my trying to learn snow skiing later in life. I never fully mastered the art either … my biggest problem was trying to turn. On one occasion I skied right into the back of one of my skiing buddies because I couldn’t turn quick enough to get out of the way. On another occasion somehow I collided with a lady skier and we got locked together with her facing forwards and me facing backwards as we continued skiing down the slope totally out of control until we crashed. Sprawled out on the snow I couldn’t resist making the comment, “We’ve got to stop meeting this way!” Fortunately neither one of us was hurt.

The big lesson I needed to learn, like the lesson my pastor was taught, “You always go where you are looking so keep looking toward where you want to go—not to where you don’t want to go!”

That’s a great lesson regarding most aspects of life too. If we fix our eyes only on the pleasures and benefits this world has to offer, that’s the direction our life will take and, while we might gain great material wealth, we will end up becoming spiritually bankrupt—morally bankrupt too if all we look for is the sinful pleasures this life has to offer in abundance.

On the other hand, if we commit our life to and fix our eyes on spiritual and eternal values, that’s the direction our life will take—and the rewards will be eternal, for we always reap what we sow, even if it is eventually!

As today’s Scripture lesson teaches: “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to live with eternal values in view, looking always unto Jesus for help and direction in every aspect of my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Hebrews 12:1-2 (NKJV).

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On Being a Positive Realist

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As the Bible says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”1

For successful living it is important not only to have a positive attitude and to think positively but, equally important, to be a positive realist.

For example, I have read how Admiral Jim Stockdale was repeatedly tortured during eight years as a prisoner of war in Hanoi during the Vietnam War—and survived.

Strange as it may at first seem, “In an interview with author Jim Collins, Admiral Stockdale commented that the optimists were the ones who were least likely to survive the camps. They refused to accept reality. They kept predicting that they would be freed soon. And every time their predictions failed, they lost a little more hope, until one day the optimists died of broken hearts. They had great attitudes, but they failed to deal realistically with their situation. Stockdale remarked, ‘You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.’”2

To express it another way, if you’ve been hit by a “Mack truck,” all the optimism and positive thinking in and of itself won’t take the pain away. One needs to be a positive realist who says to him/herself, “Yes, I’ve been hit by a massive problem. I’ve been hurt badly and am in deep pain. However, with God’s help and any other help I need, I will do everything in my power to overcome my circumstances and survive triumphantly.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me to be a positive realist with great faith in you knowing that no matter what happens to me, you always have a lesson for me to learn and always want to use my circumstances to help me grow and become strong in faith and character. Also, please help me to see and accept my responsibility and the part I need to play in overcoming my difficulties and adverse circumstances. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 23:7.

2. Jim Collins, “Good to Great” (New York: Harper Business, 2001), pp. 83-85. Cited on www.sermons.com.

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An Interesting Funeral

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“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”1

Some time ago, a teacher in Decatur, Georgia, taught her fourth-grade students an invaluable lesson by conducting a funeral. She enthused her class because the funeral was to be conducted for an enemy—the “I can’t” enemy.

“Each child was encouraged to list their ‘I Can’ts’: ‘I can’t do math.’ ‘I can’t make any friends.’ ‘I can’t hit a home run in softball.’ ‘I can’t give a book report in front of the class,’” and so on.

When the teacher collected all the “I can’t” lists, she put them in a box and took them with the class outside where they took turns in digging a grave. In her eulogy she said, “We have provided ‘I Can’t’ with a final resting place and a headstone that contains his epitaph. He is survived by his brothers and sisters, ‘I Can,’ ‘I Will,’ and ‘I’m Going to Right Away.’ May ‘I Can’t’ rest in peace and may everyone present pick up their lives and move forward in his absence.”2

Golfer Arnold Palmer has won hundreds of trophies but apparently he never flaunts these. On his office wall is a lone framed plaque which reads:

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win but think you can’t, it’s almost certain you won’t. Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster man, But sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you for the abilities you have given to me. Help me to acknowledge what these are, and believe in my heart that as long as I am living in harmony with your will, I can do everything you have enabled me to do. Please deliver me from the sin of disbelief not only in you but also in myself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 4:13 (NKJV).

2. Phillip B. Childs, “The I Can’t Funeral,” North Texas United Methodist Reporter, January 22, 1999. Cited on www.sermons.com.

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Life’s Little Frustrations

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“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.”1

Paul Dickson discovered that the size of the cut he inflicted on himself while shaving was directly proportionate to the importance of the event for which he was shaving. That led him to an interest in other “universal laws” evident in daily life. The following are a few of the many he has collected:

“No books you lend are lost except those you particularly want to keep.” “There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or tell your kids not to do it.” “You can throw a burnt match out of the window of your car and start a forest fire easier than you can start one under dry logs in your fireplace with a box of matches and the complete edition of the Sunday newspaper.”

Let’s face it, more often than not, it’s life’s little annoyances that get to us and hit our “frustration” button. As one humorist put it:

It’s the little things that bother us and put us on the rack, you can sit upon a mountain, but you can’t sit on a tack!

And most of us have at least one “frustration” button—by whatever name you call it—which is an area of weakness that God wants us to overcome. As long as I have a “frustration button” that is still active, it’s a reminder that I still have some growing to do so I can get to the place where I quit being frustrated and trust God for everything!

Hmmm …I’m still working on mine … but God hasn’t finished with me yet. Fortunately.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that I can bring all my ‘frustrations’ to you. When I do this, please help me to see if there is anything I can do to resolve the problem that is causing my frustration, and then do what I need to do to the best of my ability, and trust the outcome to you so that I will experience peace of mind. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 4:6, 7 (TLB)(NLT).

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Facing Backward to Go Forward

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“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”1

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won’t even try to escape.

Some of us are like the flies. Because of a traumatic or painful experience in our past, we have been “conditioned” to believe that we are trapped in a prison of helplessness without escape, so we are afraid to try again for fear of failure or of being hurt again.

To overcome, we need to acknowledge where we have been hurt and, if necessary, get into a recovery program to overcome our painful memories and unresolved feelings.

As Peter said, “So get rid of your feelings of hatred.”2 The same principle applies to all negative feelings—especially the supercharged repressed negative emotions. Repressing or denying these feelings doesn’t get rid of them. It only adds “interest” to them and makes matters worse. Furthermore, we can never truly “get rid of” a negative painful past until we have resolved it. Only then are we truly able to forgive any and all who have ever hurt us. Until we do this, we are still bound to and controlled by our past.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to resolve any hurts from the past that are affecting my life in any negative way. And, if necessary, find the help needed to do this, so that I can forgive any and all who have ever hurt me, and in so doing put all these matters behind me, and be free to fully live and fully love and to better serve you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV).

2. I Peter 2:1 (TLB)(NLT).

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Mental Disharmony

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“Cling tightly to your faith in Christ, and always keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.”1

Somebody pointed out that if we don’t live the life we believe, we will end up unhappily believing the life we live.

Some time ago I visited the Moody Institute of Science and put on a special pair of lenses that made everything appear upside down. Talk about mental distress! In an experiment the founder of the Institute, Irwin Moon, wore these glasses every day and night for three weeks, and slept with his eyes covered so that he never looked at anything without wearing these lenses. After three weeks his mind converted everything so things appeared the right side up!

The mind does a similar thing when we live out of harmony with God’s directives. For example, the alcoholic denies his alcoholism. The person who consistently lies, ends up believing his own lies. And criminals often justify what they have done by telling themselves that the people they victimized deserved it!

We do this because if we consistently go against what we know to be right, we get into what is called cognitive dissonance, which, simply put, means mental disharmony. And, not being able to live with this distress, we will change our beliefs to match our behavior. This way we justify whatever it is we want to do.

It’s true, if we don’t live the life we believe, we will end up unhappily believing the life we live. It’s a dangerous course to follow. Another way of saying it is, we end up with a dead conscience and a hardened heart.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me never to deny any negative and/or sinful behavior, but be honest with myself and admit it when what I am doing is wrong, confess this to you—and to a safe person or counselor if necessary—so that I can always live in a state of mental harmony. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Timothy 1:19 (NLT).

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Meekness Is Not Weakness

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“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”1

I love the title of the country/western song, “What part of no don’t you understand?”

It is a fact that some of us have a hard time saying no to people. We think we always have to be “nice” to be a good Christian, and that means giving in to others’ demands or even to their requests.

As popular author, Rick Warren, asked: “Isn’t a Christian supposed to be meek?”

And then, answering his own question, he said, “Yes, you are supposed to be meek. But meekness is not weakness. There’s a big difference. Meekness literally means ‘strength under control.’ Picture a wild stallion that has been broken and is now tamed. That stallion still has as much power as when he was wild, but now that power is bottled up for the master’s use.

“Only two people in the Bible were called meek—Jesus and Moses. Neither of them were weaklings or wimps. They were strong men of conviction. God doesn’t expect you to just cave in every time somebody wants to manipulate you or control you. What would you do if someone asked you to do something immoral or illegal or unreasonable? You’d say no!”2

When someone tries to make us feel guilty if we say no to something they want us to do, a simple response like the following can be very effective: “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty are you?” Of course they will deny it, but as long as we don’t allow them to control or manipulate us through guilt (false guilt), in time they will stop trying to put a guilt trip on us. And by the way, people only make us feel guilty with our permission.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to learn to be genuinely meek and say ‘yes’ when I need to say yes, and ‘no’ when I need to say no—and not feel guilty about it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. Matthew 5:5 (NIV).

2. Cited on www.sermons.com.

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Watch out for Phonies

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“Come, let us meet together in one of the villages on the plain of Ono. But they were scheming to harm me.”1

When Nehemiah and the ancient Israelites had almost completed rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem several centuries BC, enemies were not happy with their progress and sought to discourage Nehemiah and get rid of him. They tried to lure him away from his work by inviting him to meet with them in the Plain of Ono.

But Nehemiah’s reply was, “O no!” He knew their stories were fabricated and that they were lying. Just as well he did, otherwise he would have been destroyed and God’s work frustrated. Nehemiah stuck to the job until the work was finished and the walls rebuilt.

Whenever we get involved in a fruitful work for God, opposition is usually par for the course. The enemy attacks at every opportunity and usually at our most vulnerable points. He is a master of deceit and will seek to discourage us, sidetrack us from the main task to waste our time on less important matters, tempt us to stray from the beaten path, and so on. Whatever devices he uses we, like Nehemiah, need to be aware of these, for more often than not he comes as an angel of light.

When in doubt, we need to pray for God to reveal to us the truth of the situation in which we find ourselves. Realize, too, that the more authentic and real we are, the easier we will “smell” (discern) those who are not for real and are seeking to distract us so that they can lure us away from what God wants us to do.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please give me the same kind of insight, wisdom and courage that Nehemiah had and stick to the work you have for me to do until it is finished. Help me to say ‘no’ to any temptation or distraction that would take me away from following and serving you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Nehemiah 6:2 (NIV).

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Almost Persuaded

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“King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know that you do believe.” Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You almost persuade me to become a Christian.” And Paul said, “I would to God that not only you, but also all who hear me today, might become both almost and altogether such as I am.”1

“In the Peanuts cartoon the team statistician brings Charlie Brown, the manager, his report [which says]: ‘I’ve compiled the statistics on our baseball team for last season,’ Linus says. ‘In twelve games we almost scored a run and in nine games the other team almost didn’t score before the first out. In right field, Lucy almost caught three balls and once almost made the right play.

“‘We led the league,’ he concludes, ‘in almosts.’”2

In Paul’s day King Agrippa was also an almost … he was almost persuaded to become a Christian. We hope that he did while he had the opportunity. However, if he didn’t, he is lost forever because there is no indication anywhere in God’s Word that anybody is given a second chance after death to receive Jesus as their Savior.

So whatever you do, don’t be an almost—an almost persuaded. For help, be sure to pick up your “Passport for Heaven” at: http://tinyurl.com/heaven-passport.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me not to be an ‘almost’ in anything of significance—including when it comes to fulfilling my God-given life purpose here on earth, and especially when it comes to being prepared for life after death. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Acts 26:27-29 (NKJV).

2. Cited on www.sermons.com

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