Monthly Archives: June 2010

Healing Life’s Hurts Part II

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“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1

Continuing from yesterday’s Daily Encounter, very cautiously Jennifer (a repeated rape victim) began to share. Then her feelings came rushing out in torrents. It was the first time in her life she completely shared her years of bottled-up emotions. This catharsis (emptying out) was essential to open the way for Jennifer to begin to heal. Without first taking this step, she couldn’t be freed from the past so that she could, in time, move to a point of forgiveness. After three days of painful sharing, we prayed for Jennifer. She went back to her room and returned some time later looking like a different person. She put on a pretty blouse, makeup, fixed her hair, and came in wearing a million-dollar smile. She had a long road ahead but her healing and freedom from the past had begun.

More than a year after the seminars I ran into Jennifer again. She had sought out Christian counseling and although her progress was slow, she was doing incredibly well. Her spiritual and emotional healing was well underway.

Jennifer’s story is by no means unusual as there are millions of others who have been sexually, physically and/or emotionally abused—and even spiritually abused. Others of us, while not suffering such extreme abuse, still have our share of wounds and unmet needs. We live in a sinful, fallen world and none of us escape the ravages of sin. Every family has some “dysfunction.” True, some families are more dysfunctional than others, but every family has been affected. Some of us are either co-dependent or overly independent. Others of us are detached, perfectionistic, prone to angry outbursts, withdraw when we are hurt or angry, excessively anxious, or sad. Each of us needs some spiritual, emotional, or relational healing.

One of the facts of life is that we are destined to repeat in one form or another those dysfunctions we fail to resolve, or take out our hurt and anger on the ones we love—and then pass on our dysfunctions to our children! The Bible says, “The sins [including the emotional sins] of the fathers [parents] are visited to the third and fourth generation.”2 This is why it is imperative that, with God’s help, we resolve them. The following steps will help.

First, we need to admit that we have been hurt, that we have a problem, and that we need healing.

Second, we need to want healing badly enough to be willing to face our pain rather than bury it. As Jesus, the Master Physician, said to a man who had been an invalid for 38 years: “Do you want to get well?”3 It sounds like a silly question but it is really profound. We have to want to get better badly enough to face our hidden or painful hurts. Only those who want to be healed will be. The half-hearted never make it.

To be continued . . .

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be ruthlessly honest with myself and with you and see and admit where I need healing. Help me, too, to understand the healing process according to the principles found in your Word, and please lead me to the help I need to get to the root cause/s of my problems and resolve these. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).

2. Deuteronomy 5:9.

3. John 5:6.

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Healing Life’s Hurts Part I

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“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’”1

When I first met Jennifer at a seminar I was leading, she was very withdrawn and her face, apart from sad eyes, was expressionless. She said little all day but her body language spoke volumes. It didn’t take a great deal of insight to realize that Jennifer was in pain—deep pain.

I was quite busy and didn’t give any more thought to Jennifer until a few weeks later when she turned up a thousand miles away at a more intensive week-long counseling workshop. Here her story unfolded.

Jennifer was at breaking point. She had a young son and was about to give him up for adoption. She told us she was so afraid to be touched she couldn’t stand her own child hugging her. It was no surprise to learn that Jennifer was a rape victim—repeated rape. In fact, her son was a child of rape. This terrible abuse started when she was very young and left her paralyzed with fear.

Like a lion in the forest preys on wounded animals, perpetrating men saw Jennifer as easy prey and had been violating her for much of her 40 years. She came to our counseling week as a last hope. Since nothing else had worked, she determined that if she didn’t find help here, she was going to take her life.

Fortunately, Jennifer found a place where she felt safe to share her story and express the incredibly painful emotions that had been bottled up inside since she was repeatedly raped as a small child and as an adolescent. Time and again she had been used and shamed. She felt ugly, dirty, unlovable, and despised.

To be healed Jennifer needed to share not only what had happened to her (where she had been sinned against) but also all of the hurt, shame, anger (rage), and terror she felt. Although her painful emotions were justified by the horrible mistreatment she had suffered, Jennifer had turned these emotions against herself and they were all but destroying her.

To be continued . . .

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to be available to people who are hurting, and give me a listening ear, an understanding heart, and an accepting spirit so those needing to share their struggles will feel safe to do so with me. And please use me to be a ‘wounded healer.’ Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 5:6 (NIV).

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For Whom Are You Playing?

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“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”1

Perhaps you have read the story told by Coach Bertman, the successful athletic director at Louisiana State University. But it’s well worth a reminder in how it helps if we’re playing and/or working for someone else. Here’s the story as told by Michael Josephson in Character Counts.

“Coach Bertman emphasized the idea that his players were never simply acting for themselves. He reminded them: ‘You represent LSU, your family and your Maker.’”

On one occasion “he told a story about a young man named John who played football for Columbia University in the 1930s. Well, actually, John was on the squad because he had a terrific attitude, but he was a bench warmer who hadn’t been in a single game.

“During his senior year, John’s father died. When he returned from the funeral he asked his coach if he could start in the next game to honor his dad. The coach couldn’t refuse, but he warned John that it probably would be only for a few plays.

“To the coach’s surprise, John played so well that he was declared the game’s most valuable player. When the coach asked John how he was able to play at such a high level after just losing his father, John said, ‘You know, coach, my dad came to every game. You probably saw me walking with him holding his arm. That’s because he was blind. Well, I figure today was the first time he ever saw me play. I was playing for my daddy.’”2

I’m not going to argue whether John’s dad saw his son play or not. But it’s certainly true in that whatever we as Christians do, we’ll do it better if and when we do it as unto the Lord knowing that he sees all and that he keeps the final score.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in all that I do, please help me to do it as unto you, so that I will always put forth my best effort to help others and to glorify you. And please help me to remember that I am never out of your sight. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 3:23 (NIV).

2. Michael Josephson, Character Counts. You can subscribe to Michael Josephson’s Character Counts inspiring weekly email at www.charactercounts.org.

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Shoulds vs Wants

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“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom [liberty].”1

Recently we had a critical situation. Joy went interstate to help take care of family matters and assured me that there was no need for me to come. Because I was under a lot of work pressure, it would have been so much easier for me to stay at home. But to me it was important that I go, not because I should, but because I wanted to be with Joy to support her and the family.

Have you ever been in a similar situation and noticed that there is a big difference between “shoulds” and “wants”? If I do certain things only because I should and my heart is not in it, how genuine is that? I am talking more about a type of compulsive “shoulds” that can be very confusing at times.

If you have ever struggled with even mild compulsive “shoulds,” how can you tell what is from God, from your own self, or even from the enemy?

Compulsive “shoulds” can come from various sources. They can come from a mental condition in the brain that is inherited, or from an over-dependent need to be popular, accepted and admired. They can come from a neurotic need for approval, from false motives, for payback or even to manipulate others. They can also come from a spirit of legalism which keeps one in terrible bondage.

Or they can come from the enemy—as the old saying goes, “If Satan can’t pull us down into a life of sin and debauchery, he will try to push us over the top so we become so “heavenly minded that we are of no earthly use.” This was so for me in my youthful days. It was like there was a little voice inside my head that would say, “You better do this or you better not do that. Or you better do that or you better not do this.” At the time I thought this inner voice was from God telling me what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. It got very confusing at times.

With the help of an understanding pastor, the defining factor for me was this: Is there a spirit of freedom in what this “inner voice” was “telling” me to do or was it a spirit of bondage? In my heart did I genuinely want to do this or was I being compulsively driven? If it were the latter, I knew it wasn’t a genuine desire in my heart and it wasn’t from God because, as God’s Word says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom [liberty].”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, in all of life’s struggles and challenges when I am confused as to what is right for me to do, please give me a discerning spirit so that I know what is from a false motive, what is from a spirit of legalism or from the enemy, and what is from you. And please help me to grow so that I will truly want to be what you want me to be and want to do what you want me to do. Thank you for hearing my answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV).

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Be Anxious for Nothing

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Jesus said, “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”1

As most of our Daily Encounter readers know, I grew up in Australia, a land that is only slightly smaller than mainland USA, but there are more people within a 200 mile radius of where I now live in Southern California than the whole of Australia combined. It seems that most of them are on the LA freeways at the same time during the rush hour traffic. Why they call it rush hour I’ll never know. As another has said, it should be called slow hour!

However, recently when I was driving home from Los Angeles on the busy 405 freeway—where it was ten lanes wide with hundreds of cars traveling at high speed in both directions—I noticed a young palm tree growing out of a crack in the pavement at the foot of the three-foot-high concrete barrier right in the middle of the freeway that separates the speeding traffic flowing in opposite directions. This tiny tree was only about a meter or so from the fast lane and was totally oblivious to the thousands of cars that zip by at high speed every hour of the day and night. The thought of it blew me away.

Now, I have no ambition to plant myself where that palm tree had planted itself—that may be okay for a palm tree but not for people—to plant one’s self in such a situation would be suicide. But in the midst of the rush and bustle of everyday life with all its endless pressures, little by little I’m working on learning to trust in God and be calm and peaceful (like that palm tree), realizing that, in the words of the unknown poet:

‘Tis not the softer things of life

Which stimulate man’s will to strive;

But bleak adversity and strife

Do most to keep man’s will alive.

O’er rose-strewn paths the weaklings creep,

But brave hearts dare to climb the steep.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, again today I commit and trust my life and way to you in all that I am and do. Help me to trust you no matter what this day may bring, and not become anxious or afraid knowing that my times are in your hands. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 6:28-30 (NIV).

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Being Nice or Being Christian?

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“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”1

In training for Christian ministry I recall one of my professors stating that every church had a church boss; that is, someone or a small group who, often behind the scenes, control the happenings of the church. This isn’t usually the pastor or priest. Today we call these people control freaks. They have a neurotic need to control others in order to feel okay about themselves, when in reality they do this because deep down they don’t feel okay about themselves.

William Easum calls them bullies. After years of consulting with churches he said, “I have seen a disturbing pattern: Most established churches are held hostage by bullies. Some individual or small group of individuals usually opposes the church’s making any radical change, even if it means the change would give the church a chance to thrive again. Courageous pastors often ask, ‘What do I do when one or two persons intimidate the church so much that it is not willing to try something new?’”2

Easum’s response was either to convert them, neutralize them, or kick them out. To which some cry, “That’s not very Christian.”

The point is that sometimes (not always, by any means) we Christians are just too nice. That’s more because we are too afraid to stand up to bullies and call their bluff—not because we’re Christian. We’d rather keep the peace than rock the boat.

True, we are to be loving, but that doesn’t mean we always have to be nice. I recall hearing an employer share how he was accused of not being Christian by an inept employee he was firing. So he said to the employee in question, “Well I’m going to lovingly fire you.” If, after being given several warnings and help to improve, an employee is not pulling his or her weight, it isn’t loving to let him off the hook. In fact, it is reinforcing his irresponsibility, which is anything but loving. Neither is it loving to allow bullies to control a church.

So let’s not confuse loving with being nice. Jesus was always loving and compassionate as this was his nature, but he wasn’t always nice. Think how he turned over the tables of the money changers—merchants who were ripping off the poor in the house of God, no less—and drove them out of the temple with a whip, and how he scathingly scorned the religious bigots who loved their doctrines more than they loved people, and used their teachings to control people for their own ends.

Jesus knew the value of tough love. Not that it’s easy. In fact, it can be very difficult, but we need to exercise it too when such is called for.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, I confess that I am often afraid to exercise tough love for fear I won’t be liked. Please help me to overcome my fear and give me the courage to exercise tough love when tough love is what is required. And give me the insight and grace to know how to do this in a firm but loving manner. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV).

2. William Easum, “On Not Being Nice ‘For the Sake of the Gospel,’” Net Results, April 1997.

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Giving God Flowers

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“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’”1

Recently, Joy, my wife, had been away for a few days visiting family. I wanted to welcome her home by buying her flowers as an expression of my love and to show how pleased I was to have her home.

That same morning when I was having my devotions I knew I was going to be buying flowers for Joy so I prayed, “God, I’d like to give you some flowers today, too, as an expression of my love and to let you know how grateful I am to you for all you have done and do for me.”

And how do you give God flowers?

Well? it was a Saturday morning so I was out early to do some shopping at our local hardware store as I had chores around the home to fix. As I was walking to my car, I heard a voice behind me, looked around, and there was a clean-cut young man (about early-twenty-something) sitting on the curb. He wanted to know how he could get a taxi back to Camp Pendleton. He’d been waiting for about an hour and none had turned up. He was a marine and needed to get back to camp—so I said, “Jump in my car. I’ll take you.”

It was about a 50 mile round trip—but I think that was my opportunity to give God flowers. The soldier’s name was Jason. I gave him one of my business cards, which has a link to our online gospel message, and invited him to visit our website. Please pray for Jason. He had recently returned from Iraq.

Have you given God any flowers lately? And husbands, have you given your wife any flowers lately? As Jesus said, as often as you show a kindness to anyone, you do this as unto me.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me today in some way—no matter how small—to give you flowers by showing a kindness to a fellow sojourner in his or her moment of need. And grant that they will get a glimpse of Jesus in me, and will want Jesus for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 25:40 (NIV).

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Servant Authority

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Jesus said, “The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”1

Brett Blair shares how “Robert Fulghum, who wrote ‘All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,’ says that he placed alongside the mirror in his bathroom a picture of a woman who is not his wife. Every morning as he stood there shaving, he looked at the picture of that woman.

“The picture? The picture is of a small humped-over woman wearing sandals and a blue eastern robe and headdress (sari). She is surrounded by important-looking people in tuxedos, evening gowns, and the regalia of royalty. It is the picture of Mother Teresa, receiving the Nobel Peace Prize!

“Fulghum said he keeps that picture there to remind him that, more than a president of any nation, more than any pope, more than any chief executive officer of a major corporation, that woman has authority because she is a servant!”2

According to Jesus’ words, Mother Teresa, at the time of her receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, was quite likely the greatest among all those surrounding her. Fortunately, there are multiplied thousands of others around the world serving God in humble ways with limited means, who, without earthly recognition or fame, are great in the eyes of the Lord. God doesn’t call many of us to fame and fortune, but he calls us all to be faithful in serving him with the gifts he has given to us. And if perchance, what we do gains us recognition, fame and/or fortune, let that be used to glorify God in the serving of others.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, whatever my calling, whatever my lot, whatever my circumstances, and whatever my gifting, help me to use all to serve others and glorify you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 23:11-12 (NIV).

2. “Giving,” Brett Blair at www.eSermons.com

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The Purpose of Life

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“Then he [Jesus] said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”1

It’s an age-old question that mankind has been asking since time immemorial: “Where did I come from? Why am I here? And where am I going?” In other words, “What is the purpose of life?”

In Western society, for vast multitudes the purpose of life is materialism, the accumulation of riches and material possessions that, without a deep spirituality, will ultimately lead to soul hunger and spiritual emptiness. Even Christians are not exempt from this hunger for material possessions. Results from a survey of 3,450 lay people and pastors by the National Council of Churches of Christ, conclude: “As people see it, the main thing blocking church support simply is a surpassing urge for more affluent living. Rival attractions seem to be gaining more of the religious dollar.”2

For hedonists the purpose of life is finding happiness and yet, more often than not, searching for happiness as an end in itself is like looking for the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Sadly, for multiplied millions in some third-world countries their purpose in life is simply struggling for survival, and that is understandable.

Perhaps the highest purpose of man is found in the Westminster Catechism which says: “The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.”

Referring to our souls, in Living a Life that Matters, Harold Kushner writes, “Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter, so that the world will be at least a little bit different for our having passed through it.”3

If our chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, we will achieve this by “feeding our souls on spiritual food” and serving others that will, in turn, make our life matter. We will not have lived in vain. And eternity waits to welcome us home with our Savior’s words, “Well done, good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your Lord.”

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, help me love you with all my heart, mind and strength, and so live that my life will matter and make a difference in the life of many others for all eternity. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Luke 12:15 (NIV).

2. Adapted from Dean R. Hoge and David A. Roozen, “Some Sociological Conclusions about Church Trends,” in Understanding Church Growth and Decline. Cited on www.eSermons.com.

3. Cited by Michael Josephson in Character Counts www.charactercounts.org.

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The Bottom Line

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“Love your neighbor as yourself.”1

Dr. Alfred Adler, international psychiatrist, based the following conclusions on a careful analysis of thousands of patients: “The most important task imposed by religion has always been, ‘Love your neighbor….’ It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

True, Jesus did say that we were to love our neighbor as we love our own self, but as somebody else said, “Heaven help your neighbor if you hate yourself.” If I happen to hate myself, I will tend to project my feelings of self-hatred onto my neighbor, and while I may not hate him, I will find it difficult, if not impossible, to love him. This is because I can only love and accept others to the degree that I have learned to love and accept myself—in a healthy way that is.

So, if we are to follow Jesus’ example and admonition to love our neighbor (all people), we need to resolve our damaged and negative emotions that block or hinder our loving ourselves so we can be free to love others.

While we are working towards that goal, we can choose to do the loving thing to others even if we don’t fully feel that love yet. And what an impact we Christians would make in our homes, places of business, schools, cities, and nation if every one of us would make the commitment every day to love our neighbor, mean it, and practice it. It’s still important to do right whether we feel like doing it or not.

Let’s pray that we will!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to love and accept myself as you love and accept me, and please help me to love my neighbor (every life I touch) and be as Christ to him/her today. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Mark 12:31.

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