Monthly Archives: October 2008

Healing a Man’s Father-Wound

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“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”1

In spite of what some women libbers, gay and lesbian would-be-parents, and mothers having children out of wedlock (to justify their actions), claim about fathers not being important for the development and well-being of children, the fact remains, God’s plan for parenthood and family life has never changed, and the significance of the role of fatherhood (as well as motherhood) cannot be underestimated.

“According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a father’s involvement with a child increases the child’s IQ, the child’s motivation to learn, and the child’s self-confidence. In addition, children with involved dads are more likely to develop a sense of humor as well as an ‘inner excitement.’”2

Interesting too, that Dr. Frank Minirth reports how “a recent survey revealed how children are learning their values: 43 percent by parents, 38 percent by television, 8 percent by peers, and 6 percent by teachers.”3

“The Los Angeles Lakers had just completed 13 games in 10 cities in 21 days. It was particularly tough on Dominic Harris, the 5-year-old son of Ann Harris and Laker Coach Del Harris. Said Dominic to Del: ‘I miss you, Dad. In fact, I can’t remember when I didn’t miss you.’”4

Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their fathers and you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so much of our relational and emotional distress. The father-wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed. (The same principles also apply to women who carry a deep father-wound.)

Speaking personally, from early childhood I started looking for love in the wrong places in a vain attempt to fill the empty vacuum caused by my emotionally absentee father.

For example, in days gone by I looked for love in the things I did—like making beautiful things including a dream home. I learned to move a group to tears, make them laugh hilariously and inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these things ever made me feel loved. In other words, I mistakenly mistook approval for love.

Perhaps most delusive of all is how, from a very early age, I looked to the opposite sex to try to make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started when I was a child. I still remember how I fell “madly in love” with my second grade school teacher, looking for love from her.

Unfortunately, no mother, wife or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for a brief moment of time, but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does, he (and she) may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her, but because of him. When his passion subsides, he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own loneliness and emptiness.

And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman … and another … to prove to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll seek to deaden his inner pain through alcohol, drugs, or addictive behaviors and even ruin his health and never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships. That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places for the father-love (and/or mother-love) he never received as a child.

To all fathers, I trust today’s Daily Encounter will help you realize the importance of becoming emotionally and spiritually involved in the lives of your children. And those of us who have a father-wound, let us stop our crazy ways of making attempts to deaden the pain of our inner emptiness, admit the true need of our heart, and seek the help of God and a trusted counselor if needed to find healing of our father-wound.

NOTE: For additional help, see the complete article, “Healing a Man’s Father Wound,” at: http://tinyurl.com/9dse4.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, (for those of us who are parents—especially fathers) please help me to be the father you planned for me to be to my children. Help me always to be as Christ to them, and may they grow up knowing that they are very much loved by me as well as you. And (for all of us who have a deep father-wound), please help me to face my father-wound and lead me to the help I need for healing and recovery so that I may become the father and family man you planned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV).
2. Source: Victor Parachin, “The Fine Art of Good Fathering,” Herald of Holiness, February 1995, pp. 32-33.
3. Dr. Frank Minirth, “Withstanding the Tides of Change,” Today’s Better Life, p. 52.
4. Lexington Herald-Leader, January 1, 1996, p. C2.

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Toxic Leaders

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“Care for the flock of God entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your good example.”1

A Daily Encounter reader requests: “Could you do a lesson on spiritual abuse in the church, please? Something about pastors who, rather than shepherding their flock, rebuke people into submission? And, like the Pharisees, know the letter of the law but not the spirit.”

Unfortunately, some legalistic leaders who use false guilt to control others do exist. When the early church slipped back into legalism, Paul asked them, “Who has bewitched [bedeviled] you?”2

People who have a need to control others, whether they are in the church or elsewhere, are very insecure and immature. They gain a sense of false security only when they feel that they are in control of those under or around them. While this is an emotional sickness, it affects those whom they control spiritually as well as emotionally, and can be psychologically damaging to them.

Furthermore, when leaders control others, they are playing the role of God and God’s Spirit in other peoples’ lives.

However, when we (as adults) allow ourselves to be controlled by others instead of yielding to the control or direction of God’s Spirit—and depend on others to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do—we act like children who need a parent figure for our own security. In so doing, we become a part of the controlling person’s sickness! This way we don’t have to think for ourselves, or accept responsibility for our decisions, and we can blame someone else for our bad choices. We do this because of our own insecurity and immaturity.

While we can’t change others, with God’s help we can change ourselves, and not allow others to control us or lord it over us! That is our responsibility.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, thank you that I can depend on you and on your Word, the Bible, to show me healthy ways of living, worshipping, and relating to others. Help me to grow in maturity so I will not be a controlling person or allow myself to be controlled or ‘lorded over’ by others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 Peter 5:2-3 (NLT).
2. Galatians 3:1 (KJV).

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The Power of Gossip

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“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”1

Alan Boone tells the humorous story how, at the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”2

Ooops … Some time ago after teaching a class, I was sharing personally with a friend and my microphone was still turned on! Very embarrassing!

What can be even more devastating and disappointing is when you have shared in confidence something very personal with someone that you trusted, only to find that they have shared it with someone else, and that someone shared it with someone else, and so on. Trust has been broken and you feel betrayed.

How easy it is to gossip. We can do it in numerous ways besides verbal assaults on a person’s character. When someone’s name is mentioned, all we have to do is say, “Oh, HIM!” in a negative tone of voice—or even give a dirty look at the mention of a person’s name. As another has said, “Most of us would never steal a man’s transportation, but think nothing of stealing his reputation.”

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to guard my tongue, and always ignore and never pass on harmful gossip. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 11:13 (NIV).
2. Alan Smith, Boone, NC. www.TFTD-online.com.

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The Winning Team

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“And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.”1

“Max Lucado, in his book, In the Grip of Grace, tells of his boyhood days when he and his friends would gather on the street each afternoon to play football. One dad in the neighborhood, a die-hard football buff, would sometimes join them. This dad always played for whichever team was losing that day. Max Lucado writes, ‘His appearance in the huddle changed the whole ball game. He was confident, strong, and most of all, he had a plan.’ The kids, fired up by his leadership and emboldened by his plan, played with new determination.

“Lucado makes the point that Jesus did the same thing for us. He came to join the losing team, and his appearance in the game changed everything. He was a leader who inspired hope, confidence, courage, and love in his disciples. And he had a plan, a plan so outrageous and amazing that no one, not even his disciples, truly understood it at first. But they trusted him as their leader, and so they followed. And now all of Jesus’ followers can be sure that we are going to win this game in the end.”

On January 8, 1956, five young men, Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Pete Fleming, and Roger Younderian died in the prime of life as they were seeking to take the gospel to the Woarani [Auca: meaning “savage”] Indians of Ecuador. They were all slain by the very tribe to whom they were seeking to bring the saving message of Jesus Christ.

And even though they all lost their lives, the words of Jim Elliot, the pilot of the five martyred missionaries, are as real today as they were the day Jim said them: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” This is because all who are on Jesus’ team will ultimately and eternally win, for Jesus Christ is still and always will be King of kings and Lord of lords, the Creator of the universe, the Great Creator who became our Savior.

Suggested prayer, “Thank you God for your great salvation and that, no matter what my circumstances are today, knowing that I am a child of yours and on your team, in the end I will win forever and forever. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. 1 John 5:11-14 (NIV).

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Affliction to Give Advice

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“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”1

I remember years ago a friend talking about some people being “cursed with the affliction to give advice.” At the time it sure sounded strange as I had no idea what he meant. Now I understand.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, people “offering … unwanted [unsolicited] advice or services” are officious. They can also be obnoxious. Unwanted or unsolicited advice can be a put-down and can be a thinly veiled criticism.

I’m not talking about going to a lawyer, an accountant, a car mechanic, or whatever, where we need and ask for professional advice. What I’m talking about is when we share our struggles and feelings with a friend and they have a compulsion to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do. They are putting us down in that they assume that they know the answer to our situation and needs better than we know them ourselves.

Other people have a compulsion to tell you simple things like how to shine your shoes … how to sweep the floor … and how to do a myriad of other things that are obvious to all, assuming that you aren’t as knowledgeable or as smart as they are. They treat adults like a mother treats a small child! As the saying goes, “they come on parent.” They also make people angry.

Even when some people want advice in their personal life, it is a much wiser not to give it, but to help them see what their options are and determine their own solutions. As long as I “come on parent” to others, advising them what they should or shouldn’t do, it may inflate my weak ego and make me feel important (falsely so), but it keeps others over-dependent on me and immature. It can also play the part of God and the Holy Spirit in other people’s lives!

A good counselor doesn’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t do. He/she helps his/her clients to face reality (to see the truth … first about themselves and then about the situation they are in) and decide for themselves what they need to do.

What I want from a friend when I am feeling in the pits, is someone to listen to me with their heart, to give me their presence, and accept me as I am—and in so doing communicate to me that they care. On such occasions I don’t want or need advice, unsolicited or otherwise.

In other words I want friends who rejoice with me when I rejoice and weep with me when I weep. If you have such friends, cherish them forever. They are rare jewels.

Suggested prayer, “Thank you God and Jesus that you are friends of sinners such as I. Help me to be such a friend to others. Help me not to give advice but always and in all ways be as Jesus to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Romans 12:15 (NKJV).

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Arm-Twisting for God

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“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.”1

I first heard Joseph Bailey use the term, “Arm-twisting for God.” It is closely related to those who are cursed with the affliction to give advice—only worse—because they arm-twist in the name of God! It is often used by “religious control-freaks.”

Over the years I’ve had numerous articles sent to me—some from excellent authors—and some from would-be authors wanting to be published. Some of the latter group preface their request with remarks such as, “God (or the Holy Spirit) has given me this message and I want him to have all the glory!” With some of this material I can’t imagine God wanting the glory. I don’t publish it—and God doesn’t zap me!

On one occasion a man said to me that God told him he was to work for me. He didn’t have any qualifications for the work we do, so I didn’t give him a job. Again, God didn’t zap me!

On another occasion I was strongly rebuked by a person who didn’t understand “Jesus the Messiah” being written in Arabic especially for Muslims. I was told the Bible said he was to be called Jesus. I don’t think the angel spoke to Joseph and Mary in English! How about Hebrew? I was also informed by this person that Jesus told her I was to take this Arabic name of Jesus off my website as I was dangerously leading people astray!

I could give many more illustrations of people arm-twisting for God. They are usually insecure people needing attention and wanting their own way to feel empowered and important. At times I have said to such a person, when they told me God told them the way I should do things, that God hasn’t told me yet, so can we discuss it—and let’s pray for truth. “But I have the truth,” one declared emphatically to me. End of discussion!

As John Wesley advised, “Do not hastily ascribe things to God. Do not easily suppose dreams, voices, impressions, visions or revelations to be from God. They may be from Him. They may be from nature. They may be from the devil. Therefore, do not believe every spirit, but try the spirits, whether they are from God”2

We are told in the Bible that the test of a true prophet of God was 100% accuracy—100% of the time, and are warned not to heed false prophets. Also, in the Old Testament there was severe punishment for those who claimed to have a message from God and it wasn’t from him. This is because false prophets can be dangerous because they can lead people astray and away from the truth of God.

Our best defense against arm-twisting-for-God-false-prophets is to know what the Bible teaches, live in harmony with God’s will as found in the Bible, and constantly ask God to lead us in the way of truth.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me always to live and walk in harmony with the truth as found in your Word, the Bible, and give me the discernment to recognize every false prophet and any message, no matter how appealing, that is not in the way of truth nor from you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 7:15-16 (NIV).

2. Martin Wells Knapp, Impressions, Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1984, p. 32.

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Soul-Brother/Sister

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“A friend loves at all times.”1

In his book, Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

These people I like to call soul-brothers or soul-sisters. These are friends with whom we can trust our very soul—warts and all. In fact, for healthy living and loving relationships, every woman (single or married) needs such a soul-sister. And every man (single or married) needs such a soul-brother.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, please help me to be, and please give to me, such a friend. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Proverbs 17:17 (NIV).

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Eye on Sparrows

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Jesus said, “Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.”1

Dr. Paige Patterson tells how the renown African-American singer, Ethel Waters, known for her ministry with Billy Graham Crusades, learned about life the hard way. Ethel said that, as a child, she always felt lost and like an outsider. She was born out of wedlock, got into trouble continuously. Ethel described it, “I never was really a child, was never liked or understood by my family, never felt like I belonged, nobody brought me up. I ran wild as a little girl, was real bad, was leader of a street gang, and a general hell-raiser.”

Rev. Williams was preaching at a revival service to which Ethel was invited. On the last night, Ethel pleaded with God to speak to her, which, to her was to be God’s last chance.

The preacher spoke on the riches of Christ and his ability to save anyone from their sins. Something happened—Christ “spoke” to Ethel and she received Jesus as her Savior and was soundly converted to Christianity. From that experience she often sang the familiar words, “Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come, / Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home, / When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He; / His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me; / His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.”2

NOTE: If you have never accepted Jesus as your Savior, be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

Suggested prayer, “Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you that you not only know about the sparrows, but also that you know everything about me—even the number of hairs on my head—and that you care for me more than I could ever realize. Please help me to know and experience your care, your love, and your affirmation of me in the very core of my being. Do this for the glory of your name. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 10:29-30 (NLT).
2. Civilla D. Martin, 1905.

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About Abortion

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“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1

A Daily Encounter reader asks, “Do you have any information on what effect having an abortion in one’s youth can have on one’s life as an adult? I understand that it can have far-reaching effects. Is it possible for healing?”

Perhaps one who has had an abortion could best answer this question, so all I can do is share my observations and what I think. At one retreat I attended, a non-Christian, rather loose-living, non-religious woman shared with our group how she had had two abortions and didn’t know if she even loved the two children she now had. As she shared with us, she sobbed her heart out. Her past actions were certainly having far-reaching effects in her life. As I understand it, she, like many others who have had abortions, do suffer with long-term grief and guilt, unless, like for any other sin, they seek and find God’s forgiveness and healing. If they fail to resolve their guilt and grief, it will have a negative effect on their present as well as their future close relationships.

To be freed from guilt, whatever one’s sins may be, it is essential that we confess them to God and ask for his forgiveness. It is also very helpful to confess our sins and failures to a trusted friend, pastor, priest or counselor. As James wrote in the Bible, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”2 Then we need to forgive ourselves—this, for many, can be the most difficult thing to do, especially for those who are perfectionists or have perfectionist tendencies.

True, some sins are going to have lasting effects in this life and may always bring regrets, but we need to realize that there is no sin that is so big or so bad that God will not forgive—apart from the sin against God’s Holy Spirit which is the failure to accept God’s forgiveness! Any and all sins are an offense against a Holy God but, because God loves us so much, he gave his Son, Jesus, to die on the cross to pay the penalty for all our sins—large and small! All we need to do is confess our sins to God, repent of them, believe that Jesus died on the cross in our place, invite him into our heart and life as Savior, ask for his forgiveness, and thank him for it.

Note: For further help, be sure to read the article, “Forgiveness: the Power That Heals” at: http://tinyurl.com/3bw3q3 and/or “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

Suggested prayer, “Dear God, thank you for your great love for me, and for giving your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for all my sins. I confess my sins (name them) to you God, and ask for your forgiveness. Please help me to forgive myself and all who have sinned against me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

See article: “Healing from Post-Abortion Syndrome” at: www.ncfliving.org/post_abortion.php.

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).
2. James 5:16 (NIV).

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Object Constancy, Part III

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“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he [God] removed our transgressions [sins] from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear [trust/reverence] him.”1

As we have pointed out in the past two days, it is imperative that we have object constancy in our life if we are to have meaningful and fulfilling lives. We were created for loving relationships not only with God but also with others. And without sufficient love we wither up and die inside a little every day.

To heal from past hurts so we can achieve a sufficient level of object constancy, we need to be in a meaningful recovery program, because we don’t heal without our active participation. We need to be emotionally honest and to resolve all bottled-up negative emotions, and we need to face and deal with the causes of inner emptiness. Next is:

Responsibility

Fifth, when we come to the realization that we didn’t receive sufficient parental love, we’re not looking to blame our parents because they could only give love to the degree that they had been loved themselves. We don’t want to feel sorry for ourselves either, but take responsibility for our re-parenting and getting our needs met in healthy ways—and, again, not expect anybody else to do this for us.

Acceptance

Sixth, to re-parent ourselves we need to be courageously open and honest in safe, trusted, non-judgmental, and affirming relationships (non-romantic) and keep accountable to these people. When we admit our weaknesses to safe people, we find we are loved and accepted exactly as we are. Through their love and acceptance, little by little we learn to love and accept ourselves in a healthy way. This is critical, for only to the degree that we feel loved and accepted are we able to love and accept anybody else. One effective way to do this is in a safe twelve-step recovery group.

Keep in mind that we were damaged in damaging relationships and are healed in healing relationships.

Counsel

Seventh, for those who have been abused—physically, emotionally, spiritually and/or sexually—or seriously emotionally neglected as a child, it is essential to get counseling in order to resolve our fear, so we can learn how to discern and receive healthy love, and are able to trust again.

Divine Love

Eighth, above all we need to realize just how much God, the Heavenly Father, loves and accepts us exactly as we are, so we can experience and feel his love and affirmation at the very core of our being.2

Every day, as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, we are reminded of God’s unfathomable love for us and that “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions [sins] from us.”

In sending his Son, Jesus, to come to earth and die on the cross to pay the penalty for every sin you and I have ever committed or ever will commit, there is a profound demonstration of God’s love for you and me. To know and feel this love—if we haven’t already done this—we start by accepting God’s gift of forgiveness by confessing our sins to him and inviting Jesus to come into our heart and life as personal Lord and Savior. (See “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9 for help to do this.)

And all who have accepted Jesus as their Savior (no matter how long ago) we need to daily remind ourselves of and thank God for his great love for us, and pray that we will learn to love and accept ourselves as he loves and accepts us. It is also helpful to picture ourselves as a child being held in the arms of Jesus and being blessed by him as he did the children when he was here on earth.

These steps take time and considerable effort, but follow them faithfully and you will, in time, find object constancy and the love your heart yearns to find.

Suggested prayer, “Oh, God, don’t let me die without finding the love my heart craves for and without learning how to fully love and fully live. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 103:12-13 (NIV).
2. Adapted from “The Power of Love” by Dick Innes, http://tinyurl.com/283t54

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