“Forgive my hidden faults.”¹

Perhaps you or someone you know has gone through all the “forgiveness steps” we have written about over the past few days but still can’t find it in their heart to forgive someone who has hurt them deeply.

One reason for this is when we are overreacting. We do this when what someone has done to us triggers anger and hurt from past events that have never been resolved. Because of this, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to forgive someone for something that happened in the present when we haven’t forgiven someone else for what happened in the past.

For example, while this is perhaps an extreme case, James Townsend tells about Mildred McWhorter who “has worked for nearly thirty years with troubled families at a mission center surrounded by dilapidated houses in north Houston, Texas. She is known as ‘Miss Mac’ to folks in the area.

“Once she spotted eight-year-old Gilbert walking with his hands over his head. When asked why he was doing that, Gilbert replied, “I can’t tell you. My mama did it.”

“She found that large sections of skin under each arm had been rubbed away and blood was running down Gilbert’s side. Eventually Miss Mac learned that Gilbert’s mother had put a burlap sack over his head and arms. She had tied his arms over a clothesline where he hung for hours. If Gilbert cried, his mother would beat him with a broom or pull his hair out. She did this because Gilbert reminded her of her father.

“Miss Mac spent months working with this troubled family, which contained nine children. When family hurts and resentments go unresolved—as they apparently had between Gilbert’s mother and her father—they can be passed on to hurt the next generation.²

In working with hundreds of divorcees in recent years, I have observed that only a small percentage is willing to be ruthlessly honest with themselves to see and admit what they contributed to their failed marriage. Most want to blame their spouse entirely for the breakup. They simply don’t see or even want to see how much their over-reaction caused by unresolved relationships (especially with one or both of their parents) was a major contributing factor (or even the primary cause) of their failed relationships.

It is no wonder that the Bible “hammers home” the tremendous importance to forgive everybody who has ever hurt us—whether it was yesterday or on day one of our life. This is not an over-statement, for a child who was rejected from birth or hurt in childhood has deep pain that needs to be confronted and resolved through to forgiveness in order to fully live as an adult. It is a fact of life that hurt people hurt people. Thus every hurt needs to be healed and every “hurter” needs to be forgiven—not so much for their sake, but for the hurt one’s sake and that of their loved one.

End of series … remember forgiveness is a process, not a “quickie” event! It takes time to work through and resolve all these issues we have discussed over the past few days.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to see if any feelings of hurt and anger I have are overreactions to past unresolved conflicts and, if so, please lead me to the help I need to resolve these issues. And then, please help me to forgive any and all who have ever hurt me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Psalm 19:12 (NIV).

2. James Townsend, Peloubet’s Sunday School Notes 1993-1994, Elgin, Illinois: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1990).

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”¹

Some time ago in an article in Time² inspired by Pope John Paul’s forgiveness of his would-be assassin, Mehmet Ali Agca, journalist Lance Morrow wrote, “The psychological case for forgiveness is overwhelmingly persuasive. Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.

“Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another’s control. If one does not forgive, then one is controlled by the other’s initiatives and is locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past.”

But to forgive is to be free from the past.

Jesus Christ pointed out another disturbing truth about an unforgiving spirit when he said “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”³

I believe what Christ meant was that an unforgiving spirit on my part is a sure sign that I haven’t truly shown remorse to God for all my failures nor experienced fully his forgiveness.

Furthermore, an unforgiving attitude is destructive to personal relationships. It goes without saying that many close relationships, especially marriage relationships, are destroyed not so much by what has been done but by what hasn’t been done—forgiving one another.

Wherever I fail to forgive another, a wall of resentment builds up between us and eventually we become estranged. But once I forgive, feelings of love can be restored if that is appropriate. I say “if that is appropriate” because there are times, such as in cases of abuse or a lack of repentance, when forgiveness should not lead to restoration of the relationship.

To forgive another, however, is not to ignore justice. Pope John Paul forgave his would-be-assassin, but the man stayed in prison, and rightly so. And where we want others to forgive us, we will want to do all in our power to make a just restitution.

Even God’s forgiveness demanded justice in that he gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to pay for the penalty for all our sins through his death on the cross, for death is both God’s judgment and the natural consequence of all sin. Thus the greatest forgiveness we can ever receive is that of God’s forgiveness, by confessing our sins to him and asking Jesus Christ to come into our heart and life as our personal Savior. To help you do this, read the article,
“How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian” at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to become fully aware of the depth of your forgiveness of me so that I will be so much more willing and able to forgive all who have ever hurt me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Colossians 3:13 (NIV).
2. Time, Jan. 9, 1984.
3. Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”¹

Some years ago during a visit to Yellowstone Park, one writer observed that the only animal that the grizzly bear would share his food with was a skunk. It wasn’t that the grizzly wanted to share his food but rather that he chose to. With one swing of his powerful paw he could have crushed the skunk. So why did he allow the skunk to eat with him?

Because he knew the high cost to getting even.

Clever bear!

Undoubtedly he learned the hard way. Strange that we humans often aren’t as smart. Sometimes we carry grudges for years, often repressing them from conscious memory, and end up hurting ourselves more than the ones we would like to get even with. We fail to see how damaging an unforgiving spirit is.

Physicians and counselors alike attest to the damage done by an unforgiving spirit. Some medical doctors estimate that the majority of illnesses they treat are related to emotional problems such as resentment, which is a lack of forgiveness. And counselors see the roots of bitterness reflected in depression, anxiety, and destroyed relationships.

I read one report of an astonished patient who was told by his doctor: “If you don’t cut out your resentments, I may have to cut out a part of your intestinal tract.”

Fortunately, the man took the doctor’s advice. He had been nursing a bitter grudge against a former business partner. He went to see this man, resolved their differences, and forgave him. When he returned to the doctor, his physical condition had cleared up.

That advice isn’t new of course. The greatest physician who ever lived, Jesus Christ, pointed out 2,000 years ago the importance of forgiveness. When he encouraged us to “forgive seventy-seven times,” he was thinking of our emotional and physical well-being as much as our spiritual. In his book, None of These Diseases, Dr. S. I. McMillen reported that a forgiving spirit could save us from “ulcerative colitis, toxic goiters, high blood pressure, and scores of other diseases” including ulcers, asthma, arthritis, neuro-dermatitis, and heart ailments—all possible effects of resentment.

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, if there is any unforgiving spirit in my heart, please confront me with this reality, and help me to resolve this so I am free to forgive others as you have so freely forgiven me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”¹

“I am having trouble forgiving someone,” writes a Daily Encounter reader. “It was a horrible thing this person did to me. She hasn’t apologized and acts as if everything is normal. I am filled with resentment and hatred. What this person did cannot be fixed. I want so bad to resolve my feelings, but don’t know what to do to get over what happened.”

Unfortunately, if we need an apology from those who hurt us to enable us to forgive them, we would be struggling because this often doesn’t happen.

To forgive such a person, we need to resolve our resentment and hatred—both of which are stored up hurt and anger. Once we resolve these feelings, the path is open for forgiveness. In fact, until we do this, it is impossible to forgive anyone as our resentment and hatred will keep popping up their ugly heads.

So how can you do this? You can, as it were, “write a letter” addressing the person who hurt you, but never ever send it. In this writing you need to express the depths of your feelings of hurt and anger right from your gut—this is what David did in several of the Psalms. You may need to do this a number of times until all your feelings of hurt and anger have dissipated. As long as these feelings are bottled up, they will control your response to the one who hurt you, and quite possibly affect all your close relationships. After each letter is written, read it over, share its contents with God and with a safe, non-judgmental, non-advice-giving, trusted friend or confidant, telling them exactly how you feel, and then destroy the letter.

Or you could go alone in your car to a private place and park where you are sure to be safe. Wind up the windows, (turn the radio on if it helps), and pretend the person who hurt you is with you. Then “talk to this person” and get off your chest everything you would like to say to him or her—expressing all your hurt and angry feelings. Do this say for a half hour, then go back and do this a number of times, spending less and less time each “visit,” until all your negative feelings are gone.

The Bible says not to let the sun go down while you are feeling angry. This is because unresolved anger that has turned into resentment is an emotional poison. This is why it needs to be resolved as quickly as possible. If you can’t resolve your anger alone, it will pay (wherever humanly possible) to see a capable counselor who can help you. If you don’t do this, future medical bills may be much higher than counseling costs.

As already suggested, be sure to express your feelings to God. He knows how you feel anyhow (and loves you regardless). Ask him to lead you to the help you need to resolve your hurt and anger so you will be able to truly forgive the one who hurt you.

Remember, unresolved anger is not only “poison” but also like an emotional cancer, and either you get the “cancer” or the “cancer” gets you. As another has said, “Failing to forgive is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

To be continued … because forgiveness is a process, not an event!

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to always be honest with my feelings and learn to express them to you and to a safe and trusted friend. And where I can’t seem to resolve these feelings and am unable to forgive _______ (name the person), please lead me to the help I need to resolve any and all feelings of resentment, hurt, anger, hatred, and bitterness and be able to fully forgive this person, just as you have forgiven me for all my sins and failures. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV).